She told me that doesn't want kids

[Togo]

I started dating this woman couple of months ago. We have many mutual hobbies and in general we enjoy each others' company very much. I can definitely see her as a long-term partner.

But there is one thing - recently she told me that she doesn't want to give birth to kids, ever. But is fine with adopting one later in life when she succeeds in her career. 

At the moment I am not really dreaming about having babies either, but I am not against having later in life. 

So my questions is: Should I give up on possibly the most compatible match that I ever met in my life and look for a new one who specifically wants to have kids (even if I am not sure that I want them)? Or continue with the current one and keep fingers crossed that I won't get an urge to have babies at a later stage of our relationship?

[Batya33]

Since it is her body that would carry the baby I wouldn't count on it.  If it were me it would be a total dealbbreaker- meaning if I had met a man who was not into having biological kids ever or even trying I wouldn't have waited around to see if he'd change his mind.  Figure out whether you would be ok with her conditions on starting a family and be honest with yourself and nothing to do with "she might change her mind"

[Seraphim]

This is not a part of life where there really is “ compromise “. She doesn’t want kids, ever , but may adopt when she is much older ? Don’t count on it. 
 

You are not sure if you want kids. 
 

I don’t know what to tell other than with people who want kids and partners who don’t they can’t compromise on that. Someone ends up resenting and or hating the other. 

[itsallgrand]

Just be honest with her that you have not decided if you want biological children in the future or not. This way she is free to not waste time if she sees your lack of clarity as a deal breaker. 

You aren't a slave to an urge, either. You just have to decide what you want. 

[Fudgie]

I'm a woman who has never wanted kids. Don't stick around hoping she will change her mind. Also, about the "adoption" bit, when I used to online date years ago, I was often asked by men if I was OK with adopting. I often felt tempted to say "yes" because I was afraid to seem cold-hearted when the truth is, I've never wanted any children, biological or adopted. But somehow, it's easier to say "no bio kids but adopted kids maybe"...I wouldn't come across as much of a b__ch. Not saying this woman is doing this here but it's a possibility. 

 

Can you imagine yourself without kids someday? Imagine when you're old, no adult children. If the idea fills you with dread, then let her go so you don't waste her time because that's a sign that you will probably change your mind. 

Keep in mind that as you age, doors close and options disappear at times while new ones come into view. You must weigh what you may lose or gain and decide for yourself. I made it excruciatingly clear to men that my future was childless and if that didn't jive with them, they ought to look elsewhere. She has been honest with you. Time to make a choice. 

[Wiseman2]

8 weeks dating is exactly for this purpose.  To observe deal breakers and cut your losses before you get too invested .

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Fudgie said:

I'm a woman who has never wanted kids. Don't stick around hoping she will change her mind. Also, about the "adoption" bit, when I used to online date years ago, I was often asked by men if I was OK with adopting. I often felt tempted to say "yes" because I was afraid to seem cold-hearted when the truth is, I've never wanted any children, biological or adopted. But somehow, it's easier to say "no bio kids but adopted kids maybe"...I wouldn't come across as much of a b__ch. Not saying this woman is doing this here but it's a possibility. 

 

Can you imagine yourself without kids someday? Imagine when you're old, no adult children. If the idea fills you with dread, then let her go so you don't waste her time because that's a sign that you will probably change your mind. 

Keep in mind that as you age, doors close and options disappear at times while new ones come into view. You must weigh what you may lose or gain and decide for yourself. I made it excruciatingly clear to men that my future was childless and if that didn't jive with them, they ought to look elsewhere. She has been honest with you. Time to make a choice. 

I know of women who would only adopt because their issue lies with pregnancy and/or genetics.

[Lambert]

So are you not open to adopting? That's the only thing I didn't understand from your post. You don't count that as having kids? Or is it that she is not really interested in having? 

 

I agree with Wiseman and others..  decide now, if this is a deal breaker for you. It is a very personal decision and its yours. Do it now as, it will be more painful in the future.

Its definitely worth a conversation with her. Give her the chance to really think through what she said and what she meant. I don't know if this is the case, but she may have just made a flip comment. not knowing you are really thinking on it.

I was and am still on the fence about kids. I loved baby dolls as a girl and all that. but I never was like many other women, that knew they always wanted to be a mother.  But I didn't know that I didn't want to be either. For me, it is more if it happens... but if my partner was very interested in having or already had children, I'd be all in. Its not a common aporoach, but its mine.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

So are you not open to adopting? That's the only thing I didn't understand from your post. You don't count that as having kids? Or is it that she is not really interested in having? 

 

I agree with Wiseman and others..  decide now, if this is a deal breaker for you. It is a very personal decision and its yours. Do it now as, it will be more painful in the future.

Its definitely worth a conversation with her. Give her the chance to really think through what she said and what she meant. I don't know if this is the case, but she may have just made a flip comment. not knowing you are really thinking on it.

I was and am still on the fence about kids. I loved baby dolls as a girl and all that. but I never was like many other women, that knew they always wanted to be a mother.  But I didn't know that I didn't want to be either. For me, it is more if it happens... but if my partner was very interested in having or already had children, I'd be all in. Its not a common aporoach, but its mine.

Great point that he needs to explore this further .  Adopting is having kids.  And I completely respect that there's a difference between having a biological child and adopting.  There are people who for their own personal reasons prefer one over the other.  For me I knew I wanted to try to conceive a child.  I would not have dated someone who wasn't open to having biological kids or at least having me be pregnant (i.e. with a sperm donor if there was a genetic issue).  I would have adopted if I couldn't have conceived a child (or if we couldn't use a surrogate, etc).  We had the opportunity to look into adoption to have a second child.  We chose not to.  Had I been able to have another biological child we may have done that.  Both are "having kids" and each is a different way of having a child.  I respect people's preferences and most often will not ask "why" because it's none of my business but I would never tell someone that they should adopt because it is just the same as having a child biologically.  Some may feel that way but I wouldn't assume that.

[smackie9]

 I’m one of those women who knew at a very young age I was not interested in having kids at all. I had relationships were they tried to convince me to change my mind. I hated it. So when I met my husband I had to be very firm about it. He was ok with it and it’s been 31 years of spoiling our nieces and nephews. Compatibility is huge with us and yes that was a contributing factor In his decision. 

[reinventmyself]

18 hours ago, Togo said:

Should I give up on possibly the most compatible match that I ever met in my life 

Just wanted to add, that most everyone believes a new partner is the most compatible match they've ever met in the first few weeks.

You'll likely feel the same about the next and you'll have not only similar hobbies, but matching life goals.

Remember, you have friends for hobbies.

[catfeeder]

What is your age? And, what is the age at which you believe that you'll want to consider whether you're father material or not?

There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this. Unless and until you can gain clarity about your SELF, and where you stand, first, then the potential parenthood question remains a wildcard.

IMO, this doesn't make pursuing an otherwise great relationship taboo, it just means that you'll need to decide how important this issue is (or may become) to you, and whether the risk is worth any potential fallout to you.

I'd also consider that there's no real bio-clock involved here. If you invest in this woman only to discover that you want children down the road, then you can cross that bridge without the same constraints of age that a woman would have.

CongrAts on your new relationship, and enjOy!

 

[SooSad33]

On 1/2/2021 at 7:06 PM, Togo said:

 I can definitely see her as a long-term partner.

Ummm... you've only been involved a couple months.. So you have NO clue who this woman is... right?

Slow it down man!

IF things work out between you two after a cpl years, maybe THEN you can discuss kids.. As she said, will consider adopting.  You not okay with that?  Tons have- a few times even in my family :).

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Ummm... you've only been involved a couple months.. So you have NO clue who this woman is... right?

Slow it down man!

IF things work out between you two after a cpl years, maybe THEN you can discuss kids.. As she said, will consider adopting.  You not okay with that?  Tons have- a few times even in my family :).

Respectfully I don't agree with this. Kids are a huge issue -if one person definitely wants them and the other person isn't sure that needs to be resolved ASAP unless you know right away this is just a casual dating situation with an end date relatively soon.  I never went on first meets with anyone who wasn't enthusiastic about having kids and if we met organically without fail the guy would bring up something to do with kids early on so it would naturally come up as to what we were both looking for in the future.  

I would have ended the dating asap if he insisted he would never want his own biological kids or want me to be pregnant or try to get pregnant.  If there was a compelling genetic reason I would have considered it.  I wouldn't care at all if tons of people had adopted -it's a very personal decision just like the decision whether to have a child or not is very personal.  If I'd followed what "tons" did I would have not tried to get pregnant since tons of people frown on women of "advanced maternal age" trying to conceive.  

[LaHermes]

On 1/3/2021 at 12:06 AM, Togo said:

So my questions is: Should I give up on possibly the most compatible match that I ever met in my life and look for a new one who specifically wants to have kids (even if I am not sure that I want them)? Or continue with the current one and keep fingers crossed that I won't get an urge to have babies at a later stage of our relationship?

Look, Togo, the decision rests entirely with you.   And as SSad pointed out, these are very early days.  And no one can foretell the future.

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this. Unless and until you can gain clarity about your SELF, and where you stand, first, then the potential parenthood question remains a wildcard.

I agree with CatF. 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Look, Togo, the decision rests entirely with you.   And as SSad pointed out, these are very early days.  And no one can foretell the future.

I agree with CatF. 

I agree if he's not sure he wants kids either and completely accepts that if he does with her it will be only adoption -I wouldn't advise that he hope she changes her mind.