GB11CR7 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Hi All, long time lurker of this forum, finally decided to sign up and ask for help because I really don’t know what to do. I (29 m) have been with my partner (25 f) of around 6 years now but i really really need to cut it off. I should have done it long ago now but I’m just so scared. I’ve only ever had 2 serious relationships in my life and the break up of my first girlfriend seems to have scarred me to a point I don’t want to go through it all again. me and current gf are incompatible, plain and simple. I don’t find her sexually attractive anymore (haven’t had sex for over a year now), and she just isn’t my type. I can’t see me marrying her or having children with her. The flip of the coin is she is literally like my best friend. She has helped me through some real dark times in my life and she loves me greatly, I don’t want to hurt her. She’s already told me many times she’s had nightmares I broke up with her. we made a huge commitment of renting our first home together around a year ago now, and she isn’t financially stable either, so my thought pattern is just thinking of her if and when I break up with her. im so scared guys, how do I find it within me to do it? 😔 on top of this, I feel I’ve wasted some of my best years with a girl who was actually a friend rather than a partner. I want to start being intimate with someone again and think about a future, kids, marriage, that kind of thing. how do I rebuild from the mess I’m going to inflict on the both of us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 What do you think would be more cruel...marrying her and having kids with her all the while only pretending to love her romantically, or setting her free so she can find someone who truly does love her romantically? And why do you think you deserve a life sentence of being in a marriage that lacks intimacy and true romantic love? BTW, if she's telling you about nightmares where you break up with her, she already knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GB11CR7 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 Just now, boltnrun said: What do you think would be more cruel...marrying her and having kids with her all the while only pretending to love her romantically, or setting her free so she can find someone who truly does love her romantically? And why do you think you deserve a life sentence of being in a marriage that lacks intimacy and true romantic love? BTW, if she's telling you about nightmares where you break up with her, she already knows. I agree, which is why I need to grow a backbone and cut it off. I should have done it years ago (I know, I’m a terrible person for dragging this out, but I was in a bad place mentally and she was there for me). Good point about the nightmares, hadn’t thought of it that way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 I had to end my marriage after 14 years. Think that was easy, especially since my husband is a decent man? But it had to be done. We were not compatible and I didn't love him romantically. So I just sat him down and told him I wasn't happy with how the marriage had been going (he said he wasn't either) and that I'd decided I was moving out and would be filing for divorce. He took it better than I expected. He just said if my mind was made up then that was it. We both cried a bit but after that we just did what we had to do legally and then moved forward. She might surprise you. She's probably stronger than you think. Don't fall into the trap of thinking someone can't survive without you. Even if she does cry or beg or make promises, after some time she will see you are making the right decision. I will tell you, don't drag it out any longer. For her sake and for yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Breakups hurt. But, I'd not only be hurt, but humiliated that you only stayed out of fear and pity. I get you don't want to lose her friendship but she didn't sign up to be your buddy and support system. Do the right thing and let her go so she can find someone who adores her the way she deserves. You arent doing either of you any favors by prolonging this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I understand. Consider this a universal and level experience--any one of us who lands in a relationship that no longer works for us needs to step up to the temporary villain role in order to extricate ourselves from the relationship. It makes no sense to embrace the fantasy of being able to sell a partner on agreeing to a breakup. That's not how it works. There are rarely two people who ever decide together to resolve their differences by parting amicably. It only takes one person to break up. You may want to try the route that loving parents often take with an adult child who they must 'launch' out into the world: bribery. You can negotiate an offer: you will pay a new landlord the security deposit, first and last month's rent (or any combo of this) if she agrees to find and move into a new place within X days, and without conflict. Should she raise a conflict before moving, the offer is off the table. If you are financially able, you can even sweeten the offer by supplementing her rent by X percent and reduce that percentage each month until you no longer pay. However, if she raises a conflict during this time, that offer is off the table. This can be considered a small price to pay for launching GF into EX territory in the kindest and most guilt-free way. Head high. No breakup is ever a 'good' breakup, but keep your focus on the future you envision for yourself and deserve to have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Do you still live together? Moving in together is not a commitment. You'll have to unravel this somehow. A relationship of convenience is not working for you and probably not her. If she is not sleeping with you, she may be thinking the same thing. "This sucks but break-ups are hard". So you suggesting going your own ways may be a welcome relief. Surely she doesn't want to waste her life playing house with a roommate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 7 hours ago, GB11CR7 said: me and current gf are incompatible, plain and simple. I don’t find her sexually attractive anymore (haven’t had sex for over a year now), and she just isn’t my type. I can’t see me marrying her or having children with her. The flip of the coin is she is literally like my best friend. well then it has all gone on way too long :/.. No good for you. Never live a lie.. or lead someone on which whom you do not feel such for them. You are also wasting their time. Maybe write what you feel you need to say, down first. Then have some quiet time with her and have a heart to heart. No one can 'fake it' forever.. Many couples break up but can recover.. longer you go harder it can get. Nice you see her as 'being like a friend'- but she wants more than that. What i find odd, is you two have not been intimate in at least a year, yet she says she fears losing you? After a cpl months, I would be questioning everything! Yes, is time to speak up, be honest and finish it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 9 hours ago, boltnrun said: BTW, if she's telling you about nightmares where you break up with her, she already knows. I was coming here to write the same thing. She knows this isn't working and that you aren't in love with her anymore, OP. She probably told you about these nightmares to try to get some reassurance from you that it won't happen, but if you haven't had sex for a year? She knows you don't see her that way any longer. Her nightmares are her fears talking to her. It will hurt her, yes. But staying and committing to romantically- and sexually-barren life with her is ultimately going to hurt both of you even more. You'd be wasting your time, and wasting hers. You need to do it sooner rather than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GB11CR7 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 Hi All, Just an update. I ended up doing it Monday night. Hardest thing I've had to do because she is such a caring, loving person. Seeing her upset and hoping she will be OK is my downfall. She hasn't done anything wrong and as I said it feels like I'm losing a soul mate. She is with her Mum for a couple of days, but is coming back Thursday night. We are gonna have some food and discuss plans moving forward. It sounds like she's going to take on the home for herself, so I will have to move out - which is fine. I will feel at peace knowing she stays here with most of the furniture, it's the least she deserves. I think the hardest part for me now is when I have to move out, and officially live on my own again. She was the one who made a house a home and loved cooking delicious meals. To start from scratch again so to speak is going to be a struggle. Thanks for your kind words, I just have to keep reminding myself I'm doing her a favour in the long term, allowing her to meet somebody who will truly love her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I'm also dubious over how we can both move on and heal whilst still remaining friends? Is it possible? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 25 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said: but I'm also dubious over how we can both move on and heal whilst still remaining friends? Is it possible? Not for a while, no. You will both need space and time to heal, her more so because she didn't want this break-up. Trying to be friends right now will be too painful and will prevent her (and possibly you as well) from moving on. In the future, it may be do-able. But don't try to make it happen until you've had at least several months away from each other. Quite possibly even longer. Then you can re-evaluate if friendship is possible and healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TryingtoSucceed Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 You already feel like you wasted your time. Time wasted is never a good thing. And if you feel like you wasted your “best years,” you should feel at least an ounce of guilt for continuously wasting her time. You said you are scarred from a previous breakup but I think it’s more of you liking the fact this current girlfriend is there for you emotionally and mentally. Stop wasting her time. I had a boyfriend in the past- we dated for 3 years, but I found out he cheated on me. We even had an apartment together. When I ended it with him, he still wanted to be friends with me. He wanted to do this because he didn’t want to lose his emotional support system. I told him to get lost. As for the two of you renting a house, it’s not a commitment. Leases can be broken, leases end. The apartment I shared with my boyfriend at the time, that leased ended and I never seen nor heard from him again. Please just end it with her. You’ll feel a lot better and she will too in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 33 minutes ago, TryingtoSucceed said: Please just end it with her. You’ll feel a lot better and she will too in the end. He did: 3 hours ago, GB11CR7 said: Just an update. I ended up doing it Monday night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Good for you for ending it. I bet you feel like your fears were unfounded and you should have done it long ago. It is done now and you have done both of yourselves a favor. She is 25 and can heal and one day soon meet a guy that will love her and be in love with her and find her sexually attractive. You can learn to stop leaning on her and make your own life alone and figure out just what and who you want in your life. The staying friends thing is a nice concept but not healthy in reality. It may be easy for you because you haven't seen her as your future for a long time but for her it would be torture. Don't be selfish and try and be friends so you can have a friend to help you when you feel lonely. Make this break up as easy on her as possible financially and emotionally. She has family to lean on so keep your distance and let her heal. What now for you? You need to figure out how you got into this situation in the first place. It started somewhere and I would guess from what you wrote that she was supportive and helpful so you just allowed the relationship to happen because it was convenient for you and when it was no longer needed things changed. Never get into a relationship because you need the other person to prop you up, it should be about sharing your life with someone else and they do the same. Of course you support each other and help each other but you shouldn't be in a relationship that starts out as a crutch. Think about it. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: What now for you? You need to figure out how you got into this situation in the first place. It started somewhere and I would guess from what you wrote that she was supportive and helpful so you just allowed the relationship to happen because it was convenient for you and when it was no longer needed things changed. Never get into a relationship because you need the other person to prop you up, it should be about sharing your life with someone else and they do the same. Of course you support each other and help each other but you shouldn't be in a relationship that starts out as a crutch. Think about it. Agree with everything Lost wrote, especially the above. Until you get some very solid understanding of yourself, and the parts of yourself that allowed this relationship to extend far beyond its natural expiration date, you'll be vulnerable to repeat a version of this in the future, since we humans gravitate toward what we know, even when it doesn't serve our truest needs and desires. This is bound to be a difficult time, for a bit, but think of it as a time where you get to build and repair the foundation that is you, so it's stronger and, as a result, better constructed to coexist with the foundation of another, rather than using others to sub in where your foundation needs some attention. As for friendship? Trust that time will determine if that's a possibility for you, as well as that, right now, you need real time away from each other to know anything. I have a very healthy and lifelong friendship with an ex—one who, similar to you, was more like a friend during much of our relationship. But that friendship didn't start up minutes after we broke up—more like years. No way we could have the friendship we now do if we didn't first respect that we didn't work romantically, and give each other ample time to recover, rebuild. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 9 hours ago, GB11CR7 said: I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I'm also dubious over how we can both move on and heal whilst still remaining friends? Is it possible? Not unless you want to keep her tied to you in hope, which puts her future on ice while she tries to pretend not to manipulate you into wanting her back. Also, not unless you want to suffer yet another breakup when you want to start something new with someone else. Will you expect her to feel happy about that? Let her go, and let her heal. If your paths ever cross long into the future AFTER she's healed, moved on and has rebuilt her life solo or with someone else, only then would you both be capable of meeting on higher ground--as equals rather than as one hiding an agenda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 5:16 PM, GB11CR7 said: I (29 m) have been with my partner (25 f) of around 6 years now but i really really need to cut it off. I'm so confused... didn't you end this in June? On 6/7/2020 at 1:20 PM, GB11CR7 said: We split around April time. I’m living on my own now so finding myself lonely at times, especially during lock down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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