Does my male friend really see this as platonic?

[Batya33]

So your boundary is that because he is a male it's too close to discuss personal issues about his emotional struggles or do you avoid discussing emotional struggles with women friends too?  When I was in my 30s I was single and had married friends and single friends and overall people have their lives and schedules etc -whether they are married or have kids or not.  There were a few "smug married" types who saw friends as disposable once they got their husband, child, house in the burbs  - I never related to that mindset ever -nor did I adopt that mindset once I married in my early 40s. You might have to put in more effort to meet people because  you're not in school anymore, etc.  

I've always had platonic male friends - just spoke to one of my closest ones yesterday for almost an hour.  You sound like maybe having close male friends isn't really a good fit for you and that's cool and good that you recognized it and also want to tell this guy that so he can know that you are not the right one to share personal stuff with.

[Violet-rocks]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So your boundary is that because he is a male it's too close to discuss personal issues about his emotional struggles or do you avoid discussing emotional struggles with women friends too?  When I was in my 30s I was single and had married friends and single friends and overall people have their lives and schedules etc -whether they are married or have kids or not.  There were a few "smug married" types who saw friends as disposable once they got their husband, child, house in the burbs  - I never related to that mindset ever -nor did I adopt that mindset once I married in my early 40s. You might have to put in more effort to meet people because  you're not in school anymore, etc.  

I've always had platonic male friends - just spoke to one of my closest ones yesterday for almost an hour.  You sound like maybe having close male friends isn't really a good fit for you and that's cool and good that you recognized it and also want to tell this guy that so he can know that you are not the right one to share personal stuff with.

Hi, thanks for your reply. I suppose, the answer is, not really no. It’s because of who he is and the history of my feelings for him that I feel I don’t want to be that close to him. He’s better as a casual friend really. I do have male friends I am close to, but I have never had any feelings for them other than friendship, so it’s easier to share emotionally with them.

 I know what you mean about friendships not having to be forgotten about because you are married / have children. It’s the way it goes sometimes, people are busy and priorities change. I must admit even when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve made time for my friends.  I do see my friends but find I have less in common with the ones who have children, as I’m not at that stage yet. I’m pretty social normally, I run art and music nights with a friend and meet people at those and other places. It’s odd though, I rarely find people interesting enough to want to form new friendships with them.

I do think what is causing a lot of the intensity in this relationship is lockdown. I’m not sure what it’s like where you live, but in the UK everything is pretty much closed right now and you can’t really go and meet a variety of people. Perhaps, if he and I had other things to focus on, we wouldn’t rely on each other so much.

[LaHermes]

18 hours ago, Violet-rocks said:

I’d rather not be dropped by anyone I have provided that much support to.

I fear, Violet, that in this life we don't always get "remuneration" for things we provide, in particular for things we provide off our own bat without being asked for said provisions!

All that said, it is entirely your call. 

And yes, Covid restrictions, obviously, make socialising much more difficult.  

 

 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Violet-rocks said:

Hi, thanks for your reply. I suppose, the answer is, not really no. It’s because of who he is and the history of my feelings for him that I feel I don’t want to be that close to him. He’s better as a casual friend really. I do have male friends I am close to, but I have never had any feelings for them other than friendship, so it’s easier to share emotionally with them.

 I know what you mean about friendships not having to be forgotten about because you are married / have children. It’s the way it goes sometimes, people are busy and priorities change. I must admit even when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve made time for my friends.  I do see my friends but find I have less in common with the ones who have children, as I’m not at that stage yet. I’m pretty social normally, I run art and music nights with a friend and meet people at those and other places. It’s odd though, I rarely find people interesting enough to want to form new friendships with them.

I do think what is causing a lot of the intensity in this relationship is lockdown. I’m not sure what it’s like where you live, but in the UK everything is pretty much closed right now and you can’t really go and meet a variety of people. Perhaps, if he and I had other things to focus on, we wouldn’t rely on each other so much.

Yes, I agree you can't be true platonic friends if you have romantic feelings to the extent that it interferes with wanting to be close as you put it.  That's sad that you have less in common with someone just because she happens to have a child.  I suppose that could be true with anyone who gets narrow minded just based on having a child or being married.  I spoke of my child constantly -to my mother, sister, inlaws when they were alive.  That's it.  Otherwise I assumed I'd bore anyone else to tears if I talked much about my child.  So I made sure to have lots of other stuff to talk about, continued to be well read, up on current events.  That's really cool about the arts and music nights. Although I'm not an artist I was heavily involved in various arts for many years in my former city both professionally and socially.  Love it.  

Also of course you're entitled to be selective!  I find many people fascinating -love learning about what makes them tick, where they've been, where they are going.  I know people also who are more like you and need to have particular things in common and are perhaps more selective.

Good luck -i think you have a lot of insight and self awareness.

[Violet-rocks]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I agree you can't be true platonic friends if you have romantic feelings to the extent that it interferes with wanting to be close as you put it.  That's sad that you have less in common with someone just because she happens to have a child.  I suppose that could be true with anyone who gets narrow minded just based on having a child or being married.  I spoke of my child constantly -to my mother, sister, inlaws when they were alive.  That's it.  Otherwise I assumed I'd bore anyone else to tears if I talked much about my child.  So I made sure to have lots of other stuff to talk about, continued to be well read, up on current events.  That's really cool about the arts and music nights. Although I'm not an artist I was heavily involved in various arts for many years in my former city both professionally and socially.  Love it.  

Also of course you're entitled to be selective!  I find many people fascinating -love learning about what makes them tick, where they've been, where they are going.  I know people also who are more like you and need to have particular things in common and are perhaps more selective.

Good luck -i think you have a lot of insight and self awareness.

Thank you, you seem like a nice person. It’s great that you kept your hand in with reading, learning and generally having a life outside your child. I guess it’s all consuming for a lot of people!

Ah yes, the art nights are really fun! A good mix of people always turn up. It’s something I did when I first moved to the city I live in - it’s a good way to meet people.

The guy and I had a conversation last night. I said I felt like his therapist and I couldn’t take on his emotional problems as well as my own. It was good when we talked about our interests but over time it became just him sharing and confiding and me being supportive and offering solutions. He was upset and I cried. He said there were few people he could talk to in the way he talks with me, the sharing. It’s true, I have rarely felt so connected to another person. We finish each other’s sentences, because we are on the same wavelength. He explained one of his girlfriends had left him when he said he felt suicidal in the past. I thought, well yes, she probably had boundaries. He did apologise for saying the wife and marriage things but said it’s just his vocabulary. Although he apologised, I don’t know if he fully took on board that (to me at least) it was inappropriate. We agreed to have space but I think we both realised that was it. Anyway, it’s done now, a weight has been lifted. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Violet-rocks said:

Thank you, you seem like a nice person. It’s great that you kept your hand in with reading, learning and generally having a life outside your child. I guess it’s all consuming for a lot of people!

Ah yes, the art nights are really fun! A good mix of people always turn up. It’s something I did when I first moved to the city I live in - it’s a good way to meet people.

The guy and I had a conversation last night. I said I felt like his therapist and I couldn’t take on his emotional problems as well as my own. It was good when we talked about our interests but over time it became just him sharing and confiding and me being supportive and offering solutions. He was upset and I cried. He said there were few people he could talk to in the way he talks with me, the sharing. It’s true, I have rarely felt so connected to another person. We finish each other’s sentences, because we are on the same wavelength. He explained one of his girlfriends had left him when he said he felt suicidal in the past. I thought, well yes, she probably had boundaries. He did apologise for saying the wife and marriage things but said it’s just his vocabulary. Although he apologised, I don’t know if he fully took on board that (to me at least) it was inappropriate. We agreed to have space but I think we both realised that was it. Anyway, it’s done now, a weight has been lifted. 

I am impressed, FWIW about the frank and open conversation you had.  I would avoid him not because he is a man but because he is suicidal AND because you already decided you don't want to be close with him - certainly if you feel like it you can refer him to suicide related resources but he probably knows of them already.  You don't want to take on the burden of supporting him when he feels so down and unstable when you already know you're not up for being a close friend.

I don't buy the "wife and marriage" is just a vocabulary thing - please.  Sure -if he randomly called you "honey" or said "bless your heart" (just a Georgia reference given today's runoff) that could just be a verbal tic.  You're right to pick up on this.  

Good for you- you did the right and ethical thing!  And thanks for the compliment!