I’m confused over our sex life

[reinventmyself]

25 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Cara.  So very glad you have walked away. 

That is a very heavy understatement on the part of the therapist.  Unless of course you did not make her aware of how very abusive that relationship was. "It seems I am doing more"!!!

How very vague.

 

 

[reinventmyself]

28 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You need to find a new therapist.  Your bf is just like the stepfather.

It's considered unethical for a therapist to tell you what to do.  It's their job to help you open doors and get there on your own.  Yes, even in abusive relationships.  Unless you are in immediate danger.

Just to tell someone so does not work.  It's no different than telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking.  You need to learn to own it, recognize it and understand your participation in it.    It's very complex journey and typically a long road for some.

If she doesn't learn her attraction, participation and responsibility in this, she leaves without an understanding and will go replicate this with someone else.  That's why I get a little bugged when people get frustrated with victims like this when they don't *just leave!  As is it was that simple.

Not the same, but I've been her.  I get it.  It's very complex and years of therapy to show for it.

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

It's considered unethical for a therapist to tell you what to do.  It's their job to help you open doors and get there on your own.  Yes, even in abusive relationships.  Unless you are immediate danger.

Just to tell someone so does not work.  It's no different than telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking.  You need to learn to own it, recognize it and understand your participation in it.    It's very complex and typically a long road for some.

Okay, how do we know that she is being guided in the right direction?   There are many poor therapists.  

[LaHermes]

You are quite right Reinvent. No therapist will directly instruct the client and tell them what to do.  But a skilled therapist will lead the client and help her to gain insight, and resilience. 

5 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

to learn to own it, recognize it and understand your participation in it.    It's very complex and typically a long road for some.

I was just thinking that for OP it may well be a long road.

What do you think, Cara, of this current therapist? are you able to have frequent sessions? Does she recommend reading for you? Homework on yourself?

 

[reinventmyself]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

You are quite right Reinvent. No therapist will directly instruct the client and tell them what to do.  But a skilled therapist will lead the client and help her to gain insight, and resilience. 

I was just thinking that for OP it may well be a long road.

Right?  Didn't someone quote a post of hers from 2018 (sorry if it was someone else) But this is her pattern.   The only thing that will keep her safe is to learn to break the cycle and understand why she participates in it.

[LaHermes]

Yes, Reinvent.

Breaking the cycle and gaining the insight to do that will, I feel, be a long and often arduous road for the OP.

But for the sake of not just her mental health, but also her physical health, OP will find herself treading that road. 

[reinventmyself]

25 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Okay, how do we know that she is being guided in the right direction?   There are many poor therapists.  

We don't.  We aren't there.  But the fact that she's acknowledging things is a great sign.  I don't think we are that good., lol 

I think her therapist has helped get this far.  Maybe we participated in a little push she needed.  That's all.

My experience is so similar.  I was an abusive marriage.  Going to therapy with a great therapist, but at the same time participating in an emotional abuse forum and hearing womens stories so similar to mine gave me the reinforcement I needed.

I remember telling my therapist I was mad at him for not coming right out and telling me.  He pointed out a book I bought on emotional abuse. He said "it didn't follow you home, did it?"  The emotional abuse forum?  " You searched it out and participated, right?"  Mind you, he never once used the word abuse in therapy.  When I asked if that what was going on months into therapy, he softly nodded yes.    

It seems our psyches are a lot more aware than we are willing or ready to admit.  It's a process.  There is often a lot at stake.  That's why we invest in the lie.  The lies we tell ourselves. . . until we are ready.    No one can tell you when you are ready.  It's a personal journey and all we can do is help someone get there.  But you can't just push them.  Not if they aren't ready.  And there is nothing to be personally learned by someone else, even a therapist telling you how to feel and what to do.  It just perpetuates the problem.  Telling vulnerable people what to do instead of giving them  tools they can take with them, so they can think and care for themselves. That's why they got in the predicament to being with.

It needs to come from within  . .that's the successful route to the other side and when real change happens.

[LaHermes]

40 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

That's why we invest in the lie.  The lies we tell ourselves. . . until we are ready.    No one can tell you when you are ready.  It's a personal journey and all we can do is help someone get there.

Quite so, Reinvent. Good therapists are able to read (hear) what is NOT being said.  Yet their client all to often doesn't tell the full truth of the matter and even tries not to answer any probing question. 

[boltnrun]

A therapist can offer guidance and support but if the patient doesn't want to hear it, it won't take.

Cara, I feel you don't want to hear what so many of us have been telling you.  You are trying to find a way to make the issues all your fault so you can "fix" them and stay in the relationship.

I can tell you this; if you truly love this man, if this is the man and relationship of your dreams and you don't want to end it, you will have to learn to stifle ALL of your needs and cater only to his.  You must cook for him every time he wants you to (and accept his criticism of your cooking), you must do all the chores he expects you to do without complaining, and you must perform the sex acts he wants you to perform in the way he wants you to perform them.  And you have to leave when he wants you to leave and not ask for more time.

I don't recommend this but it's not my life, it's yours.  If this man makes you happy then there's nothing anyone can say or do to change your mind.

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I already walked away. 

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I already walked away. 

Really?

That is GREAT!

Good for you.

[reinventmyself]

30 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Really?

That is GREAT!

Good for you.

I hope you come back for support.  Good for you!!  One foot in front of the other.  You got this!

[Hollyj]

When you are feeling weak,  come to ENA.  
 

block and delete this guy. 

[boltnrun]

If you did indeed end the relationship then I say good for you.  This man was going to make you feel worse and worse about yourself until you no longer existed.

[SooSad33]

On 1/1/2021 at 2:04 PM, caraviolin said:

He tried to teach me to deep throat him recently and it hurts so much that I retch and tear up and he told me it turns him on so much that this is the foreplay I need to do in order for him to screw me well. I nodded and agreed with him, just happy to get him hard. Last night I did it as well as I could but it was so painful. He was really hard but even with all of that, sex lasted for about 3 minutes only. He just stopped, though he was still hard, and it left me confused why,  but I just told him it was great. For the past month, he hasn’t even felt the need to orgasm after all the times we had sex. 

Aww wow  😞 .. First of all is NOT you.  Clearly, he is having some issue's ( like maybe depression was mentioned..?).

Re: something like the honeymoon phase, yes, if I am correct, it lasts maybe 6 mos to a year?

BUT, either way- no 'excuses' with this.  FACT he has problems getting & staying hard  and should NOT be pressuring you this way- so I feel you should really step up soon and tell him this is not good for you.  I've been there re: deep throat.  Nope, not doing that- often.  Especially as often as you are expected- to keep HIM happy.  😞 .

What about you?  Does he please you at all ?

 

Worst thing though.. if a couple is having problems,, they need to be discussed.  Not avoided- in order for one (you) not to be feeling this rough.

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Aww wow  😞 .. First of all is NOT you.  Clearly, he is having some issue's ( like maybe depression was mentioned..?).

Re: something like the honeymoon phase, yes, if I am correct, it lasts maybe 6 mos to a year?

BUT, either way- no 'excuses' with this.  FACT he has problems getting & staying hard  and should NOT be pressuring you this way- so I feel you should really step up soon and tell him this is not good for you.  I've been there re: deep throat.  Nope, not doing that- often.  Especially as often as you are expected- to keep HIM happy.  😞 .

What about you?  Does he please you at all ?

 

Worst thing though.. if a couple is having problems,, they need to be discussed.  Not avoided- in order for one (you) not to be feeling this rough.

I suggest you read through the comments.   This man is a monster.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, caraviolin said:

 she can’t tell me whether or not to end it, but that it doesn’t seem it is an equal relationship. It seems I’m doing more.

Over last week, I was unable to meet with her and that is one of the reasons I decided to post here. .  

If you want to leave rather than just say you're done, you may want to journal your thoughts and events.

It's important to be honest with a therapist, including your BDSM proclivities and desires to be used and degraded.

When you omit the information you're asking for help you don't really want.

You can't say in one breath "I enjoy being used and degraded" and then complain about it.

You're not ready a victim here. It seems you enjoy talking about how he chokes you, how he uses you, you use the word "deep throat" repeatedly, etc. almost in a proud way about what a good slave you are.

All your past threads say the same things. Including erotic asphyxiation to the point of unconsciousness, other types of very high risk sexual behaviors.

This isn't a BDSM specific forum that somehow replaces therapy or applauds BDSM activity about how "abused" you are as a willing participant.

It's your addiction to this and your high risk sexual behaviors you need to deal with. It's not about him.

Try BDSM specific forums. There may be more support for your behaviors.

[Hollyj]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want to leave rather than just say you're done, you may want to journal your thoughts and events.

It's important to be honest with a therapist, including your BDSM proclivities and desires to be used and degraded.

When you omit the information you're asking for help you don't really want.

You can't say in one breath "I enjoy being used and degraded" and then complain about it.

You're not ready a victim here. It seems you enjoy talking about how he chokes you, how he uses you, you use the word "deep throat" repeatedly, etc. almost in a proud way about what a good slave you are.

All your past threads say the same things. Including erotic asphyxiation to the point of unconsciousness, other types of very high risk sexual behaviors.

This isn't a BDSM specific forum that somehow replaces therapy or applauds BDSM activity about how "abused" you are as a willing participant.

It's your addiction to this and your high risk sexual behaviors you need to deal with. It's not about him.

Try BDSM specific forums. There may be more support for your behaviors.

I think that their sex life is a small part of the problem.  The guy is downright abusive and does not love or respect her.  She should be returning here for support so that she does not return to this POS.

[Jibralta]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't say in one breath "I enjoy being used and degraded" and then complain about it.

I don't think she is quite doing that, though.

She definitely admits to liking degradation--but only as part of her sex life. She doesn't want it to be her entire reality:

11 hours ago, caraviolin said:

If I took away the words, his actions would tell me he likes me, but there wouldn’t be love. And in the sex, it would show he treats me like an object (I don’t mind that but not all the time). 

She has terrible boundaries, very little sense of self worth, and doesn't seem to have a clue what a healthy relationship looks like. It's not all  the result of BDSM-type fetish. Although in her case, it really doesn't help that she's attracted to degradation...

But it is what it is. She has to learn to separate all that out in her mind. And she does seem to be taking small steps in that direction.

[caraviolin]

Hi everyone, sorry I wanted to respond yesterday but the website told me I created the max posts in a day.

yes, I’ve been honest with my therapist through all of the issues with my guy. I didn’t think she was all that amazing because she asked me things like, so how does that make you feel? When I clearly felt like s**t. I simultaneously was being treated for severe ocd, put on the eventual maximum dose of Luvox. My therapist kept telling me I need to learn to self soothe in a relationship, and she tried to come up with scenarios that weren’t even possible at the time since I couldn’t leave my house without tremendous effort. I eventually put her on hold and paid hundreds of dollars out of pocket for a true ocd therapist. After months of grueling work I overcame a significant portion of the severity and was able to go to the supermarket without severe stress and actually walk outside. It was then I returned to my original therapist and tried to work out the issues with my guy. 
 

I did indeed leave and again thanks to all of you for your guidance I’m also really thankful you came by, Bluecastle.
 

But I think I know what I am getting confused over: I’m equating bdsm with passion and actually they aren’t the same thing. Maybe I’ve taken to degradation because it’s the one thing he got excited and aroused over. 

What I want is passion. What I want is to feel respected. I want a simple life with a man who is kind and patient, and makes enough money so when I am pregnant and have a baby I can stay at home and nurse them without fear we will be destitute. I want simple sex and simple love. I want my man to miss me as much as I miss him when we don’t see each other and I want to feel secure he’ll do whatever it takes to make me happy. I don’t need material things, I need love and trust. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask and I don’t think this man can give it to me. But I also don’t think I’m gonna find a guy anytime soon, because it seems good ones are almost impossible to find.

last night, around 3 my mom and I called 911 because my dad was hallucinating. He’s in the hospital. My life keeps getting worse and worse. 

[arjumand]

I am very sorry about your father. 
 

I really think you need a new therapist. You need someone who can really help you work through your self esteem issues and figure out who you really are and what is right for you in life. This one seems kind of useless. 

[Andrina]

it seems good ones are almost impossible to find Try not to have a self defeating mindset like this. Hard, maybe, but not impossible. It can be like a full time job when you have the goal of finding one, but it's a lot of catch and release, and digging through a lot of sand before finding the treasure. 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself, though, before you seek, because you will just keep repeating the same unhealthy pattern.

You're going to have to tuck away the dream of a child for now, because that hurried, anxious goal right now will have you making hasty, bad decisions.

Once your health esteem is at a good place, try Meetup.com, hobbies, and volunteer work, as good ways to meet a potential partner. And still, don't project to the future about if this man is "the one." He will sense this and be scared off. Just enjoy someone's company and be in the present. Take a wait and see attitude. It takes at least a year or two to know if someone will be a good partner and a good parent. If at that point you're too old to become pregnant naturally, be at peace that there are numerous other ways to become a parent. Be confident you will make your dream happen if you are open to "outside of the box" solutions.

Good luck in your reinvention of yourself. I'm sorry to hear of your dad's health. I can relate, since I lost my mom in August, and my dad had triple bypass surgery in November. So many trials we have to go through in life, but we have no choice but to deal and be resilient.

[boltnrun]

I can guarantee you won't find a good man as long as you keep wasting time with turds.

Be prepared. He will contact you acting like the nice man you've been hoping he would be. He will try different tactics; first, degrading and chastising you because it always worked before but he will move quickly to saying sweet things like he loves and misses you so much! Then he will try self pity, anger, promises to change, he might even force himself to cry. Don't be fooled! He knows it's nearly impossible to find a woman who will put up with his crap the way you do. It won't be because he wants to change, but because he wants his sex toy and slave back to serve him.

Be strong! Don't allow him to fool you into coming back. He knows he is no prize and that most women wouldn't give him a second look and that is why he'll try to get you to come back. 

I'm sorry about your father. I hope he's better soon. But please don't contact that man because you feel sad or lonely or want comfort or support. He isn't interested in helping you. We are happy to provide online support if you need it.

[reinventmyself]

I won't pretend to know anything about BDSM and submission, but I would think a relationship in which two people participate in this would have be balanced with a large degree of love, respect and safety.

It's something you do in the bedroom, right?  You don't continually punish your partner over their daily routines or their personel medical issues and so on.

That's the difference between sexual role playing and abuse.

[LaHermes]

Cara.  I am very sorry about your father and I do understand that his health is very poor.  That must be a big worry for you.  I echo what Andrina said, indeed her entire post. Life throws many trials and tribulations our way and we have to deal with these to best of ability. 

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can guarantee you won't find a good man as long as you keep wasting time with turds.

I wholly agree with Bolt.  Yes, there are good, ethical and considerate men out there.  But first of all you need to take time to yourself, alone, single, to sort yourself out.  Learn what a healthy relationship looks like. There is plenty of information out there explaining what healthy means, as opposed to toxic and dysfunctional. I agree you would be best to seek another therapist to assist you on this new road.