I’m confused over our sex life

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I feel like an abusive girlfriend. 
 

I read a quote once that said, loving someone is accepting who they are NOW. And I’m not doing that. I claim I love him, but I don’t follow that ideal. 

Have you spoken to your therapist about this thought pattern?

Do you really believe that he will improve if you accept him as he is now?? Or that he will get better if you fix yourself??

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

: maid, cook, food delivery person, letter writer, masseuse, etc....   This is ridiculous.   He lives with his parents doesn't own a car, is a dud in bed, no steady employment, emotionally abusive.   He's a real loser.

Of course you (and the other posters) are right, but the OP doesn't wish to take any heed.  Or, such is her dread of "alone" that she will put up with anything, no matter how bad.

7 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

 He can be doing more meaningful things like spending time with you, looking for a job, being productive around his parents' house and not on his arse all day and night. You know why he doesn't want to talk about a future with you? Because this is it - the future with him. Imagine more of the same later on - Him being lazy and gaming all day/night while you take care of the kids and still have to go to work to pay the bills. If you want kids, this man is no role model or father figure. 

Fully agree LT. 

[caraviolin]

Thanks to everyone. The care shown towards me in this thread was overwhelming..each and every one of you gave me a wake up call. I know what I have to do. I don’t think we are good for each other, and the sooner I leave the sooner he can get back to his own life.

It’s heartbreaking that I’m doing this right after the holidays. It seems so calculated. Just a few days ago he told me he’s so happy I’m in his life. But you are right, if he were, he would be looking for full time employment and spending more time with me, which he isn’t.

it’s time for me to wake up. I don’t know why I’m always choosing this. When we met, he had a car, and a job. A good one. Just a month into dating, his car got damaged and he just never fixed it or got a new one for a year and a half. I took over driving everywhere, after I already traveled 70 miles to see him. 
 

he wasn’t always like this. But I don’t think things will get better. I need to leave. 

[LaHermes]

4 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I don’t know why I’m always choosing this.

Cara, I think that's what is at the heart of the matter. Why you are drawn to this useless type of individual.  You need (as other posters have said) to be single for at least a year, during which you take charge of yourself, become your own woman, and then find a healthy relationship. 

Of course, he is "happy" you are in his life!! Who wouldn't be happy to have a driver, maid-servant, cook, masseuse and all the rest, and better still, free of charge!! 

To him you are just an object, with the same status as a couple of good domestic appliances. 

I don't know or see what "life" he can get back to,but that is not your concern, at all. You can do this Cara, but you must do it now or you will falter. Please. 

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

Just a few days ago he told me he’s so happy I’m in his life.

Well, no kidding. 

He can do whatever he wants, walk all over you, and have you act as his maid, chauffeur, cook and sex object - and you demand require nothing in return. 

He knows other women would have told his sorry ass to take a flying leap a long time ago. 

[maritalbliss86]

10 hours ago, caraviolin said:

He told me i shouldn’t be thinking of the future so much

He said this so that you waste more of your future with him.  He knows he's using you and wasting your time.

A GOOD man who loves actively plans your futures together with you!!!  Because he wants what's best for you both.

[maritalbliss86]

31 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

It’s heartbreaking that I’m doing this right after the holidays. It seems so calculated. Just a few days ago he told me he’s so happy I’m in his life. But you are right, if he were, he would be looking for full time employment and spending more time with me, which he isn’t.

I think the holidays actually cause a lot of relationships to form or break.

They form sometimes because people are really lonely around the holidays, and will get into relationships that are horrible for them, just to feel like they have someone.

And then they also tend to break around the holidays because sometimes it reveals how awful a person is (the gifts they give or don't give), or how little it shows their partner actually cares about them.

So don't think it's, "calculating," to end it after the holidays... it's just revealed he enjoys not feeling alone, having someone to sexually pleasure him (but that he doesn't have to pleasure), and now he's back to being awful.

[Andrina]

He will try to hang onto you because there might not be another woman with extremely low self esteem around to take your place. Because who else is chomping at the bit to date a guy addicted to porn, with horrible teeth, and acts more like a 12 year old--playing video games, living with his parents, without a car? He's okay with all that. Otherwise, he'd be spending every spare moment job hunting.

And he knows how to keep a woman with low self worth desperate for his approval. It's not self improvement or treating her as the special person she is. It's blaming her, being emotionally abusive, because that's what a person whose self-worth is in the gutter responds to. Subconsciously, you think he is all you deserve in life. He's playing you like a fiddle, and you're responding exactly as he knew you would. You're going to strive to be the best gf ever, which would only be a good plan if you had a decent, kind, mature healthy man.

He not only has one dealbreaker, but one would become nauseated listing them all. He disgusts me on paper and I don't even have to see him in 3D.

Please. If you don't love yourself enough to leave, fake it until you make it. Do it for your future self who would never accept a monster like this. She will thank you, bowing down to your inner strength.

[LaHermes]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He disgusts me on paper and I don't even have to see him in 3D.

Exactly A. That's it in a nutshell. 

[boltnrun]

He treats you horribly and you ask how you can do even more for him! It's unbelievable. 

I can only conclude the way he treats you gives you pleasure for some reason.

If this relationship is how you always dreamed a love relationship would be and you're happy, then no need to do anything.  Stay and enjoy.

But if it's not...it's time to end it, immediately. 

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, caraviolin said:

Thanks to everyone. The care shown towards me in this thread was overwhelming..each and every one of you gave me a wake up call. I know what I have to do. I don’t think we are good for each other, and the sooner I leave the sooner he can get back to his own life.

It’s heartbreaking that I’m doing this right after the holidays. It seems so calculated. Just a few days ago he told me he’s so happy I’m in his life. But you are right, if he were, he would be looking for full time employment and spending more time with me, which he isn’t.

it’s time for me to wake up. I don’t know why I’m always choosing this. When we met, he had a car, and a job. A good one. Just a month into dating, his car got damaged and he just never fixed it or got a new one for a year and a half. I took over driving everywhere, after I already traveled 70 miles to see him. 
 

he wasn’t always like this. But I don’t think things will get better. I need to leave. 

So when do you end it?  

Have you told your therapist about all of this?  You have been asked this repeatedly, but have not answered.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

He said this so that you waste more of your future with him.  He knows he's using you and wasting your time.

  EXACTLY.

3 hours ago, caraviolin said:

the sooner I leave the sooner he can get back to his own life.

Wow, you talk about yourself like your some kind of burden to humanity. You shouldn't do that. It's terrible. No wonder you've settled for someone like this. 

I looked back on your past posts and I can see that you've been in traumatic situations for the last four years (at least), and that you went on dating apps "for more hookups and casual stuff to get over these horrible experiences."

You can't run from your problems like that. Look where you are now, unable to understand that you are in an abusive situation. You think you're in a great relationship.... You really must get out of this, be by yourself, embrace therapy. 

[reinventmyself]

This is such a text book cycle of abuse.  He tears you down, makes you feel guilty and just about when you've had enough and he senses it, he reels you back in with how much he loves you. .and makes you feel guilty some more.

We are supposed to feel safe sharing our most intimate details about ourselves with our partner.  He in turns throws your personal struggles (ocd) in your face and uses that like ammunition to use against you.

A life lesson.  Love is an action.  Are his behaviours loving?  If he could never speak another word again and you measured how much he loved solely on his actions. . does he behave lovingly towards you?    I know he says all the right things. . but do you truly feel cherished, loved and safe?

[caraviolin]

18 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

So when do you end it?  

Have you told your therapist about all of this?  You have been asked this repeatedly, but have not answered.

Sorry Holly. Didn’t mean to ignore. I did; in the past she told me she can’t tell me whether or not to end it, but that it doesn’t seem it is an equal relationship. It seems I’m doing more. Over last week, I was unable to meet with her and that is one of the reasons I decided to post here. This week I’ll explain to her everything I wrote here. 
 

I already walked away. 

[caraviolin]

7 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

This is such a text book cycle of abuse.  He tears you down, makes you feel guilty and just about when you've had enough and he senses it, he reels you back in with how much he loves you. .and makes you feel guilty some more.

We are supposed to feel safe sharing our most intimate details about ourselves with our partner.  He in turns throws your personal struggles (ocd) in your face and uses that like ammunition to use against you.

A life lesson.  Love is an action.  Are his behaviours loving?  If he could never speak another word again and you measured how much he loved solely on his actions. . does he behave lovingly towards you?    I know he says all the right things. . but do you truly feel cherished, loved and safe?

I never thought to picture my life with him like this, but it’s honestly brilliant. If I took away the words, his actions would tell me he likes me, but there wouldn’t be love. And in the sex, it would show he treats me like an object (I don’t mind that but not all the time). This made me really think.

[Hollyj]

3 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

Sorry Holly. Didn’t mean to ignore. I did; in the past she told me she can’t tell me whether or not to end it, but that it doesn’t seem it is an equal relationship. It seems I’m doing more. Over last week, I was unable to meet with her and that is one of the reasons I decided to post here. This week I’ll explain to her everything I wrote here. 
 

I already walked away. 

Cara, Did you tell her everything?    I can't imagine that any competent therapist would not advise you to leave this type of relationship.    If you did, and this is what she advised, then I would find a new therapist.  

[LaHermes]

Cara.  So very glad you have walked away. 

2 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

she told me she can’t tell me whether or not to end it, but that it doesn’t seem it is an equal relationship. It seems I’m doing more.

That is a very heavy understatement on the part of the therapist.  Unless of course you did not make her aware of how very abusive that relationship was. "It seems I am doing more"!!!

How very vague.

 

[Hollyj]

https://www.envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/gaslighting-examples-effects-confront-abuse/

[caraviolin]

4 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Cara, Did you tell her everything?    I can't imagine that any competent therapist would not advise you to leave this type of relationship.    If you did, and this is what she advised, then I would find a new therapist.  

I did tell her everything. I’ve even told her how his stepfather screams at us if I don’t clean the drain of the bathroom properly after washing my hair, or clean the vacuum after using it in his room. His stepfather is a nasty man. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to be anywhere other than his room, much less use the kitchen. 
 

his stepfather has screamed at us for being freeloaders and parasites. 

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, caraviolin said:

I did tell her everything. I’ve even told her how his stepfather screams at us if I don’t clean the drain of the bathroom properly after washing my hair, or clean the vacuum after using it in his room. His stepfather is a nasty man. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to be anywhere other than his room, much less use the kitchen. 

You need to find a new therapist.  Your bf is just like the stepfather.

[tattoobunnie]

He's a porn addict - red flag when they can't stay hard in missionary with face to face contact.

He's a gaming addict - can't put down the phone to cuddle

He's rude and inconsiderate - if someone makes you food, just eat it. And make your partner meals

He has no job by choice!!!! Um, I should not have to add more to this.

He's in his mid 30's and lives at home.  Think about this too.

Why in the world does his choices make you worthless?  Doormat, yes, but no man is the judge and jury to your self-esteem.  Good luck. Stop settling. And don't settle. This guy is ridiculous and so self-absorbed, he blames everyone on you.

[LaHermes]

OK Cara. I feel that now that you have broken free of this enmeshment and hope for a better life that you might consider seeking out a new therapist

37 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I looked back on your past posts and I can see that you've been in traumatic situations for the last four years (at least), and that you went on dating apps "for more hookups and casual stuff to get over these horrible experiences."

You can't run from your problems like that. Look where you are now, unable to understand that you are in an abusive situation. You think you're in a great relationship.... You really must get out of this, be by yourself, embrace therapy. 

A new therapist who is qualified and experienced in helping you deal with the long-standing trauma. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I did tell her everything. I’ve even told her how his stepfather screams at us if I don’t clean the drain of the bathroom properly after washing my hair, or clean the vacuum after using it in his room. His stepfather is a nasty man. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to be anywhere other than his room, much less use the kitchen. 
 

his stepfather has screamed at us for being freeloaders and parasites. 

So you only complained about the stepfather? You didn't mention all the things this man does to you? Are you afraid your therapist will advise you to leave the relationship?

Is this relationship everything you dreamed a love relationship would be? Do you feel loved, secure, warm, fulfilled?

If you get excited by being mistreated (some people do!), then go ahead and stay. I get that some people like to be degraded. But if you don't, this is not the relationship for you. He will NOT change.

 

[lostandhurt]

On 1/1/2021 at 2:10 PM, smackie9 said:

This^^^ this is the reason he goes soft, only gets turned on by certain things...he has a total emotional disconnect with sex because of porn.

Me, I would say there is a whole lot of incompatibility. It's only going to keep going in this direction. His way or no way.

No porn? I doubt that. Ever hear of private browser? He's using it.

I agree 100%   He is lying about porn.   Watch some yourself and you will see all the things that make and keep him hard.  He has conditioned himself to only be aroused by fantasy women being degraded sexually and now he expects you to perform like they do.  I am serious watch some porn and you will see many of the actors that cannot orgasm unless the woman gives them oral and many times the man has to masturbate to orgasm even with a gorgeous woman right there.  This is not going to get better so you really need to reconsider this relationship.  This has nothing to do with how tight you are, it is him.  If you talked to his ex's I would bet they had the same problems.

Can you see yourself married and living like this for the rest of your life?  36 is young so it isn't an age thing.  You have done everything he has asked and it is still not good so what is the next step?  I really think you should take a close look at this relationship because what you described doesn't sound very good in or out of the bedroom.

Lost 

[bluecastle]

I don't know what to say here that hasn't been said, but will chime in in hopes that the feedback and support you get here motivates you to put this man, and relationship, behind you. 

Reading through this is both heartbreaking and disturbing, Cara, as it's clear you've got a good head on your shoulders, and a strong spirit begging for your acknowledgement, your care. You wouldn't be posting here if that wasn't the case, or talking to a therapist. 

Still, it seems all that is buried and blurred and twisted up, leading you into romantic dynamics and toward people that reward your most negative self-conceptions, to the detriment of your overall emotional health. I'd really see this as a time to get intimate with those darker corners of yourself—in therapy, while single—in order to create a different kind of intimacy with others, one that affirms and validates what is light in you, not dark. 

I think the best therapists help us see ourselves more clearly, so we can make choices to cultivate our fullest self. Perhaps that's what yours has been trying to encourage, if in a mode that isn't quite landing with you, or is just starting to land? It's a process, a worthwhile one, and if you're still feeling a bit untethered after talking with her you may want to consider another. 

Wishing you all the best, and hoping you'll keep walking in the direction you're walking now, away from this. Expecting something like this to magically improve is like expecting a diet of soda and fried foods to result in weight loss. Recipe for unhappiness, if not insanity.