I’m confused over our sex life

[maritalbliss86]

7 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I felt foolish to think my man would want to spend every day of the weekend with me, when he clearly has a problem with it, though I never even had an idea he did before. He was always telling me he enjoys the time with me. 

I really believe you deserve a man who would want to see you every morning, day and night.  

He really doesn't seem to care about you, and I KNOW that is very painful for you to, "see," but please OPEN YOUR EYES and see this for what it is! 

Don't waste another weekend on someone this nutty.  You have all of us rooting for you to help yourself to get out of this relationship. ❤️ 

[maritalbliss86]

Yes... every second you waste on a man not right for you, you are missing the chance to meet the man who IS right for you.

[Hollyj]

Thankfully, you ended it.  Please do not go back to this guy. 

Clearly this man never loved or respected you,   What you are seeing now, is what we saw in your first post.   He had no intention of having a future or family with you.  

For the love of God, address why you are with men like this, and be single for at least a year.   Have you considered some counseling for your self esteem?   

 

Block and delete him!

[boltnrun]

Every minute you choose to stay with him is a minute lost where you could be meeting a wonderful man who treats you well.

But first? Get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. Tell your therapist everything so they can help you.

And never again put up with mistreatment just because a man is "handsome". How does that benefit you? And don't put up with mistreatment just so you have somewhere to go to get out of the house or because you want to have some boyfriend, any boyfriend.

[Jibralta]

14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Thankfully, you ended it.  

Did she, though? To me, it read like an empty threat that she made, in a desperate attempt to gain traction:

9 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I told him, then let’s take a break and I won’t see you next weekend, And at this my voice got a bit louder. He told me to “lower my f***g voice”. He had never cursed at me before. I began to tell him perhaps since my presence stresses him so much and since I’m clearly a total nagging bitch in the relationship, perhaps it’s best that we go our separate ways. Before I could, he picked up his pillow and told me he was sleeping on the couch. 

And he totally called her bluff because he literally doesn't give a rat's ass how she feels or what she does:

9 hours ago, caraviolin said:

he said, “ most of my friends have a girlfriend  come over once a week for a couple hours. They don’t stay a whole weekend.  You come to me and stay weekends, and you expect me to spend a few hours with you each day, angry if I don’t give you sex twice a day for crying out loud. “

 

It's a joke. But she's serious about this. And she doesn't get that she's lower than dirt in this relationship. She expects him to suddenly believe that she's some kind of an asset to him. He will never do that. He is against doing that. She is wasting her time, and it's really sad. 

[Hollyj]

8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Did she, though? To me, it read like an empty threat that she made, in a desperate attempt to gain traction:

And he totally called her bluff because he literally doesn't give a rat's ass how she feels or what she does:

It's a joke. But she's serious about this. And she doesn't get that she's lower than dirt in this relationship. She expects him to suddenly believe that she's some kind of an asset to him. He will never do that. He is against doing that. She is wasting her time, and it's really sad. 

Who knows. I was being generous.    I hope that she will see the light and stay away from him.  This is a sick situation.  It is very clear that he does;t give a sh^t about her.  What a complete waste of one's life, but this is what she has been choosing.  

[boltnrun]

He wants you to come over, deep throat him, then go home.

That's being an unpaid prostitute, not a girlfriend.

He does not love you. Don't you want to be loved?

[Hollyj]

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He wants you to come over, deep throat him, then go home.

That's being an unpaid prostitute, not a girlfriend.

He does not love you. Don't you want to be loved?

Totally  agree.   He treats her like an unpaid  sex worker.  But, she puts up with it.

[caraviolin]

I’m a mess. 
found out he does indeed watch porn during the week when I’m not there. He also  jerks off a lot during the week. 
I'm crushed. I told him, don’t you think this has any bearing on how our sexual life has been? He said, I’ll try not to jerk off during the week. maybe then he’ll cum inside me. 

yes. Try it now, after months of this going on. After months of seeing your girl sob. 

im in a state of shock right now. Am I worthless? What’s going on?
 

[Hollyj]

37 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I’m a mess. 
found out he does indeed watch porn during the week when I’m not there. He also  jerks off a lot during the week. 
I'm crushed. I told him, don’t you think this has any bearing on how our sexual life has been? He said, I’ll try not to jerk off during the week. maybe then he’ll cum inside me. 

yes. Try it now, after months of this going on. After months of seeing your girl sob. 

im in a state of shock right now. Am I worthless? What’s going on?
 

For the love of God, take away the sex bit.   This man treats you with complete disrespect and does not love you.  You are refusing to see this for what it is.  Wake up!

Remember this:

"He started mocking me that the reason he went soft was because of me, and that since I’m always giving him a hard time about him getting soft, and in so many words said now I have a taste of my own medicine. I immediately recoiled at this. I couldn’t believe he was being so cold to me.

I asked him why did he just ruin a time when I was being intimate with him. He asked, why am I always so critical of him. He said, that’s all he hears: you don’t cum inside, you don’t last, why don’t you get hard looking at me, wah wah wha. I started to tear up upon hearing this because I always phrase these things like, sex is so amazing, what can I do better? I try so hard to be positive with him. 

 He said he’s tired of hearing me complain. I told him, I let you play games practically all day and do whatever you want, and he responded with, well you should, it’s my own f***g place! At that, I started to feel sick. 
 

he said, “ most of my friends have a girlfriend  come over once a week for a couple hours. They don’t stay a whole weekend.  You come to me and stay weekends, and you expect me to spend a few hours with you each day, angry if I don’t give you sex twice a day for crying out loud. “

at this point I started to think of this thread and everything you guys said, and I was starting to believe it it all today,  until he said all of that, and I suddenly felt worthless and devalued. I felt like the problems here are all my fault. I felt foolish to think my man would want to spend every day of the weekend with me, when he clearly has a problem with it, though I never even had an idea he did before. He was always telling me he enjoys the time with me. 
 

I told him, then let’s take a break and I won’t see you next weekend, And at this my voice got a bit louder. He told me to “lower my f***g voice”. "

[boltnrun]

Why are you acting like you did something wrong?

I can't believe how low your self esteem seems to be.

What does your therapist say about all of this?  I surely hope you've been honest with your therapist about what's been going on.

I guess you didn't leave his place after all.  Why not?  Are you still trying to get this man to be nice to you?

Please, trying to make this work is going to ruin the little self esteem you still have.

Stop being so mean to yourself.  

[Hollyj]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you acting like you did something wrong?

I can't believe how low your self esteem seems to be.

What does your therapist say about all of this?  I surely hope you've been honest with your therapist about what's been going on.

I guess you didn't leave his place after all.  Why not?  Are you still trying to get this man to be nice to you?

Please, trying to make this work is going to ruin the little self esteem you still have.

Stop being so mean to yourself.  

I cannot even imagine if someone said  this to me: "I’ll try not to jerk off during the week. maybe then he’ll cum inside me."   It is all so unbelievable.  

Cara, what happened to you in your life where you accept this behavior?    What does your therapist say about him?

[1a1a]

Selfish ‘lover’ is selfish. 
 

You deserve someone who enjoys and wants to give you pleasure. Who thinks you look like a million bucks and are the sexiest lady alive in his eyes. That’s not this guy, this guy is very below average. Would you hold onto a job where it cost you more to commute there than you got paid? (Because as this guy chips away at your self esteem, this relationship is costing you)

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I’m a mess. 
found out he does indeed watch porn during the week when I’m not there. He also  jerks off a lot during the week. 
I'm crushed. I told him, don’t you think this has any bearing on how our sexual life has been? He said, I’ll try not to jerk off during the week. maybe then he’ll cum inside me. 

yes. Try it now, after months of this going on. After months of seeing your girl sob. 

im in a state of shock right now. Am I worthless? What’s going on?
 

It's best to research what is BDSM vs abusive.

You sound unhappy and defeated and somewhat brainwashed by him.

This seems more consistent with abusiveness than a sexual lifestyle.

 

[caraviolin]

I wanted to leave this morning, but he came back to bed at 3 am and told me he didn’t want to go to bed like this. We tried to talk it out around then. We didn’t get very far until we fell asleep, and then I woke up around 10. 
he told me he’s sad I don’t bring coffee and breakfast like I used to (I do but not as often...since this is his parents’ house, the kitchen is a bit of a problem to use sometimes; I’ve resorted to making breakfast in my own house and bringing it to him on the weekends ). Then he burst into tears. He told me this seems like the beginning of the end with us.
 

He said I’ve gotten very demanding and am sometimes passive aggressive. He told me i shouldn’t be thinking of the future so much, and that my problem is my inability to cope with change and not able to live in the moment. He called me out, saying I’ve been ungrateful, that he is the one who feels he does a lot for me and I don’t do enough. He said, “ I buy you food, I call you during the week, I give you sex, etc. what do you bring to the relationship? You do my laundry and clean but you don’t write me letters like you used to (he’s right, I stopped) and you don’t cook for me as much (he’s right about that too). You don’t see me getting angry over the change you’ve shown. Yet you feel the need to harp on me about my sexual issues and getting my own car (been asking him for a year now)....you use me as a human punching bag. I’m gonna start getting on your case.” (he finally acknowledged that I travel an hour and 10 to see him every weekend, but that seemed like an afterthought.) 
 

when he said that I felt so terrible. And it was around then I started to have some serious self-perception issues. He began to blame my out of character behavior on my ocd and on the health problems of my dad. I shot him down on the ocd. I told him, “low blow to use a health issue as ammo. This has nothing to do with my ocd. I’m thinking of my future. “
 

he laughed at me when I said that; he said, “future? We don’t even live together, yet. You are putting the cart before the horse. There you go again, not being happy with what you have.”  I said, “ how would we have kids someday when cumming inside is such an issue?” He said that wasn’t an appropriate question. I told him, I’m thinking of my future, likei said. He then responded with, maybe if I didn’t jerk off all week I could do it. And this is when I learned about the porn and the masturbation. Apparently, this is a long life habit of his. 
 

I asked him,” not to be mean, but what possessed you to jerk off all week all these months when the major issues here have been due to lack of of arousal and stamina? Here I was thinking it was all to do with my flabby girlie bits, lack of foreplay, etc).” He said, he’s depressed and it’s a pick me up. He feels bad he still lives at home, doesn’t have a car, and doesn’t have a job. He told me I’m being very unreasonable to be asking him to get a car because he does not have a steady income and had bills to pay. I, on the other hand, do have a steady income and live at home. He felt I’m being unreasonable. 
 

this went on well into the afternoon. Every time I tried to leave, I calmly got up off the bed and gathered my things. He would ask me where I was going. I made sure I calmly stated that we needed some space and it would be best if I left for today. He said I was being overly dramatic, and to come back and just be calm instead of critical. 
 

thing is, I would’ve left him for good today, if he hadn’t brought up all the things I’m doing wrong. In order for me to break up with him, I need to feel like I was at my best. And according to him, I don’t appreciate him, I’m upset, critical and passive aggressive. I’m left wondering what if all this is my problem. What if I’m the abusive one. And you guys can’t answer that because you haven’t seen all of these months. What if I’m in the wrong. How do I know. 

[boltnrun]

You can break up with him anytime you want.

You are choosing not to.

[caraviolin]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

You can break up with him anytime you want.

You are choosing not to.

I want to feel like I’ve given it my best before I do. I don’t think I have; I guess I haven’t been as easy going lately, and could do more. If I did more, it’ll maybe turn things around. that’s my silly thinking. I feel like an abusive girlfriend. 
 

I read a quote once that said, loving someone is accepting who they are NOW. And I’m not doing that. I claim I love him, but I don’t follow that ideal. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

 He feels bad he still lives at home, doesn’t have a car, and doesn’t have a job. 

If you would like a family and happy life someday, you'll have to have the courage to leave this abusive relationship.

He's brainwashing you. Talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on.

Do not run to his parents home every weekend to perform sex acts for him .

[Hollyj]

This guys is even more of a creep than I thought.  He has thrown all of this back on you, and you are eating it up.  

He gives you bad sex, some food, and calls you a couple times during the week.  Wow!   He 's sounds like such an incredible bf.  C'mon.  You cannot honestly believe this?!  What happened to dates and treating you with love and respect?   

I don't what  you get from all of this.  Most women would not do half of what you do: maid, cook, food delivery person, letter writer, masseuse, etc....   This is ridiculous.   He lives with his parents doesn't own a car, is a dud in bed, no steady employment, emotionally abusive.   He's a real loser.   

I suggest you look up gaslighting and emotional abuse.  

 

 It's sad, I don't think that you have acknowledged a word from people who have responded. I don't think you want to help yourself.   Good luck.

[1a1a]

He just gaslit the hell out of you. 
 

Tell me, in all of that did he identify even one single tiny thing that he could do better? Where is he meeting you half way here? It sounds like he’s putting up goal posts (believe me these are gonna move) when you do x y z I’ll love you better. Does it feel to you like he is accepting you as you are?!! Don’t get sucked into a pick me dance, if he was going to pick you he already would have, and he’d have gone to a doctor to sort out his own erectile disfunction. And told you he was missing the intimacy of letters and breakfast. And he wouldn’t play goddam video games when you’re meant to be spending time together!

[LootieTootie]

I agree with Holly and 1a, here's the definition for you Cara.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.

This guy is unbelievable. Let's forget the sex. Let's forget the finger pointing and forget Who stopped cooking for who but still forces them to gag during sex #eyeroll. This man has shown you his character over and over - for over a year! 

It's time to see the signs. 

This is a man who plays 7-8hours of video gaming while you guys are supposed to be spending time together on a weekend! You both are in your mid-30s here! He can be doing more meaningful things like spending time with you, looking for a job, being productive around his parents' house and not on his arse all day and night. You know why he doesn't want to talk about a future with you? Because this is it - the future with him. Imagine more of the same later on - Him being lazy and gaming all day/night while you take care of the kids and still have to go to work to pay the bills. If you want kids, this man is no role model or father figure. 

[itsallgrand]

Even if you were in the wrong, it would be in everyone's best interest for you to walk away. It's not healthy. 

You are right that we don't know the entire story. But this isn't healthy and good. A good relationship doesn't make you feel like this. A good relationship is the opposite of this in pretty much every way. 

I'm so sorry about your dad and what you and your family is going through. It's lower than low for him to use that against you in any way. He is preying on you being in a very vulnerable state in your life. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

This guy is so manipulative it boggles the mind. 

But OP, you know this. It seems to me like you're looking for reasons to stay (ie. "believing" what he tells you about your shortcomings) because you're so afraid of being alone. So, you accept what he's telling you because it gives you permission (to yourself) to hang on and keep assuming that if you only do X, Y and Z, it will be alright. 

I believe that you know exactly what he's doing and why he's doing it. And I believe you go along with it because you want to have a boyfriend - any boyfriend - more than anything else. You know the life you're signing up for now. The question is, are you going to complain about it when nothing gets better?

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I would’ve left him for good today, if he hadn’t brought up all the things I’m doing wrong. In order for me to break up with him, I need to feel like I was at my best.

This is your problem. This is the hold he has over you: you're ego-driven.

Just forget about being right, or being the best. That's why you're stuck where you are. 

You're not going to win any prize in this competition. It's stupid and babyish.

7 hours ago, caraviolin said:

What if I’m the abusive one. And you guys can’t answer that because you haven’t seen all of these months. What if I’m in the wrong. How do I know. 

What?? 

That's not the point!! It's not a competition to determine who is right and who is wrong. The point is that you're miserable and this relationship doesn't work.

If you don't lose this tendency for petty right-fighting, you're going to be stuck in this purgatory for a long time. Even if you break up with this guy (or he dumps you), you'll go right back into a relationship like this.

Look what he's able to do to you:

7 hours ago, caraviolin said:

you don’t cook for me as much (he’s right about that too)

I'm sorry, but this is hilarious. He insults your cooking. Why should you cook for him? 

On 1/1/2021 at 5:42 PM, caraviolin said:

He is pretty critical over the food I prepare for him. He’ll often make comments about the taste or not like something I did, or the presentation bothers him. I pride myself being a good cook but he’s ultra fussy. It’s one of the reasons my quantity of dishes I’ve been making for him is going down. He’ll inquire over HOW I made the dishes, the method, etc. He’ll often put his two cents in if he feels it could be better.

It's like a game to him. 

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

this guy is very below average.

Very below average, indeed.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are hardcore BDSM, to the point of destroying yourself for him. 

It doesn't seem like you're unhappy being treated like this. Do your family know about this?