caraviolin Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Happy New Year everyone. Thanks to everyone who helped me in my previous thread about my best friend. I took the advice and set boundaries and it really worked out well; we are still friends and much happier now. I’ve been having some sexual issues with my boyfriend now for almost a year. We have been together for a little more than a year and a half now. We are both in our mid thirties. Before we started dating, he made a point in telling me he was a very sexual person and was able to last a long time without having to orgasm. I asked him about positions since he brought it up and told him missionary was important to me. He responded that he liked all positions but missionary wasn’t his favorite, but he’d do it if we connected. BTW, this convo put me off in the beginning due to its very forward nature but when we met, we quickly connected and started dating. Soon after we became a couple. I found out my sexual appetite met his very well and we had sex a lot. Missionary turned out to be a very much hated position for him however, and he often went soft in the position. He would do it however to make me happy, but true to his word, he would get very soft in a matter of seconds. I tried to ignore that and we had great sex in other positions. He had a very hard time finishing inside of me however, and was usually only able to orgasm with me giving him a blow job. I can count on my hands up to this point when he was able to cum inside of me. However he seemed very interested in me sexually. He often became hard without me even having to give him foreplay and I never turned him down when he wanted some. We were comfortable with each other and things were going great. We had our ups and downs of course but we never had fights. Things were wonderful. Fast forward to about 9 months ago and during these months, he would only usually be able to get hard If I touched him enough, and usually he was only able to maintain his erection for about 2 or 3 minutes during sex, regardless of the position. After many months of this I would bring it up nicely and casually, like “ sex feels wonderful with you, how can I make it better for you?” He disclosed that my mouth just feels better than my girlie parts but he hasn’t lost interest in me; he said maybe he was depressed. As the months went by I continually dealt with him going soft and sex seemed like something of an effort for him. His video games seemed to take priority and would play for hours at a time. He is often in pain, as well. He has terrible teeth and chronic heartburn but cannot go to the doc because he has no dental or health insurance right now He tried to teach me to deep throat him recently and it hurts so much that I retch and tear up and he told me it turns him on so much that this is the foreplay I need to do in order for him to screw me well. I nodded and agreed with him, just happy to get him hard. Last night I did it as well as I could but it was so painful. He was really hard but even with all of that, sex lasted for about 3 minutes only. He just stopped, though he was still hard, and it left me confused why, but I just told him it was great. For the past month, he hasn’t even felt the need to orgasm after all the times we had sex. I’m confused. He says, getting hard doesn’t work the way I think. looking at my body wouldn’t give him an erection. It’s thought and foreplay that gets him going. Also, he said having an orgasm isn’t necessary for him; he still enjoys it. I didn’t tell him I’m not enjoying it, though. How can I when sex doesn’t even last long before he loses his erection in HIS favorite positions? However things were different for the first months into our relationship, I know that. I’ve seen it and felt it. He just says we are not in the honeymoon period anymore and he’s getting older. This made me sad, though I didn’t tell him it did. I’m thinking, we are only a year and a half into this relationship. Sex lasts for 3 minutes before he goes soft, requires me to deep throat him to the point of pain and he never comes inside of me because my mouth is tighter than my southern areas. I feel inadequate. Like, why is sex so hard. I really want kids one day and the fact he cannot orgasm easily plays on my mind, if we end up having kids together. I’m also 36, I’m not getting any younger. Is this what happens to men in their mid 30’s? Is sex really this hard? If it’s this hard for a man to orgasm in me, my body will give me even more of a fight just due to me getting older. My biological clock is ticking. Also, and I know I shouldn’t: I keep thinking about his past girlfriends. I wonder if he had better sex with them, since he really voiced he could last really long. I feel like there is something wrong with me, I can’t get my boy to like sex enough to get hard without me deep throating him or playing with him. Idk. What do I do here? I do as much as I can for him. I cook, clean and massage him whenever he wants. I also try to be really supportive and don’t bring up these issues often. I am really trying to be a better partner. It’s frustrating to have sex feel so good, only to end soon after. feel inadequate. Sent from my iPhone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 My ex had the same issue. When everything was new he had no problem but once we settled into the relationship he struggled. He lost a lot of interest in sex too because it became a chore for him. He needed newness in order to be able to perform (hence his almost constant cheating). I was told the same thing happened with his girlfriend after me; going like gangbusters for the first few months, then deadsville after she was no longer new and shiny to him. Your boyfriend needs medical attention if this is to be resolved. There could be a number of health issues. If health issues are ruled out, he needs to find out if there's some kind of mental or emotional issue that he needs to deal with. Why doesn't he have insurance? If he's in the US he can get "Obamacare". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caraviolin Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 Thanks for the reply. He really tries and I know he loves me. It’s just, idk. he doesn’t have health insurance because he doesn’t have an active job right now. He got laid off some time ago and is working odd jobs here and there, freelancing. We are in the US. He doesn’t like going to doctors. He hasn’t been to one in many many years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Does he watch a lot of porn, by any chance? It's disturbing that he only seems to respond when you're choking and essentially suffocating during oral sex. You should never just submit yourself to something so painful and uncomfortable, OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Well, if he isn't willing to do anything to try to help the situation then this is how it's going to be. Can you live the rest of your life without fulfilling sex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caraviolin Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 No porn. He claims he likes deep throating because if I only go halfway down, it’s like teasing him. He likes the whole shaft in my mouth. The second is my mouth is tighter than my girlie bit. There’s not much I can do about that. That makes me sad. Like I’m old and stretched out or something. My mouth is small and he is actually really big when he’s fully erect. When he is fully in, it closes off my nasal pharynx and I can’t breathe through my nose. He keeps telling me, just breathe through your nose. I tell him I can’t. He just says I need to practice. He doesn’t get it. If I retch enough he’ll tell me to stop and he says it is ok, he is fine with it but he looks so darn disappointed. I feel like I failed in yet another way. Flabby southern area and strong gag reflex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 6 minutes ago, caraviolin said: He keeps telling me, just breathe through your nose. I tell him I can’t. He just says I need to practice. He doesn’t get it. Please. Yes, he does. He just wants you to do it anyway. Tell him you're game if he'll deep-throat a large cucumber that you control, every time he expects you to do this. Actually, you know what? I'd be so turned off by him and his attitude about all of this, I'd leave him to deep-throat the cucumber to his heart's content while I found a man who actually respected me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Is he this disrespectful of your feelings in other areas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Unfortunately, it seems you're sexually incompatible. That will wear on you in time and breed resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 2 hours ago, MissCanuck said: Does he watch a lot of porn, by any chance? This^^^ this is the reason he goes soft, only gets turned on by certain things...he has a total emotional disconnect with sex because of porn. Me, I would say there is a whole lot of incompatibility. It's only going to keep going in this direction. His way or no way. No porn? I doubt that. Ever hear of private browser? He's using it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caraviolin Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 2 hours ago, boltnrun said: Is he this disrespectful of your feelings in other areas? He’s an easy going guy and pretty supportive. He is pretty critical over the food I prepare for him. He’ll often make comments about the taste or not like something I did, or the presentation bothers him. I pride myself being a good cook but he’s ultra fussy. It’s one of the reasons my quantity of dishes I’ve been making for him is going down. He’ll inquire over HOW I made the dishes, the method, etc. He’ll often put his two cents in if he feels it could be better. He used to love hearing me sing in the beginning of our relationship ( I’m a performer) but he told me sitting through two hours of a performance is too much. So that upsets me. He can spend 7 hours playing a game but not sit for two hours in a performance? those two things bother me. Do you guys really think our sex won’t get better? This is it? He claims he doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t know my feelings one way or another on the subject so I don’t know why he’d lie to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 He doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend in general, OP. He puts you down, undermines your efforts, criticizes you - and you have normalized and internalized it so much you’re questioning yourself now. The problems in the bedroom are an extension of his insufferable and entitled personality. Why are you with someone who disrespects you so much? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 56 minutes ago, caraviolin said: He’s an easy going guy and pretty supportive. No, he's not, per what you wrote immediately after: He is pretty critical over the food I prepare for him. He’ll often make comments about the taste or not like something I did, or the presentation bothers him. I pride myself being a good cook but he’s ultra fussy. It’s one of the reasons my quantity of dishes I’ve been making for him is going down. He’ll inquire over HOW I made the dishes, the method, etc. He’ll often put his two cents in if he feels it could be better. He used to love hearing me sing in the beginning of our relationship ( I’m a performer) but he told me sitting through two hours of a performance is too much. So that upsets me. He can spend 7 hours playing a game but not sit for two hours in a performance? those two things bother me. Do you guys really think our sex won’t get better? This is it? He claims he doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t know my feelings one way or another on the subject so I don’t know why he’d lie to me... He is neither easy going nor supportive. What are you getting out of this relationship? Other than "But I LOVE him!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caraviolin Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, boltnrun said: He is neither easy going nor supportive. What are you getting out of this relationship? Other than "But I LOVE him!!!" So the critical fussiness with my cooking is something that is not mundane? He’ll tell me some of my meals are good. So I’m not making a bigger deal out of it? It isn’t right for him to do that? Sometimes when we cuddle he’s holding me with one hand and playing a game on his phone with the other hand. This bothers me. I tell him it does and he doesn’t understand why. He says, I’m cuddling you, what’s the problem? It’s like, a lot of the time we are together, he’s distracted. He is so much better than all my past boyfriends. He doesn’t yell at me or anything. And he’s open with his communication on his affections for me. I just need to make sure I’m not being a spoiled brat, drama queen (he just called me that the other day) or ungrateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Wow, OP. I would have dumped this annoying and rude person a while ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Jeez, what were your past boyfriends like if this one is "better"? And now you reveal he calls you names. He is destroying your self esteem by chipping away at you. You didn't answer my question which was, what do you get out of this relationship? That he isn't as awful as some of your exes? Don't you want better for yourself? If not, why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 You deep throat him to the point it makes you wretch and tear up. You suffer through this to make him happy and in an effort to have him make love to you properly. But it's not working. Though you share with us how miserable this is, when asked you told him ' it was great. I dont have the perfect answer for you should not do anything that causes you this much discomfort. The entire experience seems rather humiliating and you dont seem to like yourself much after complying to it. In turn his actions and words cause further injury This is his problem and not yours to manage. He either finds a way to be a better partner or you reconsider this relationship. I'm sorry. I feel like you need a hug. I'd hold him accountable for getting some help. . . This is all at your expense. That's not what love is about. It feels kinda violating in a way. Dont agree to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Maybe a bit out of left field but please do not be with someone who doesn't value your art and creativity. You have a true gift, a true talent -find someone who admires it, who supports you, who loves to hear you perform, sing, whatever. He should be your biggest fan. I agree with the others asking what you see in him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 I think the sex is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I think often when sex between a couple worsens it's because there are actually other issues in the relationship. If he's often distracted from you in general and seems disinterested in your relationship, that's probably the main problem. He might be losing interest in sex because he's losing interest in you. If you don't live together then he needs to put his video games and most other things aside when he's spending time with you. That should be your time together. I think it's rude that he's on the video games a lot around you and then says: "What's the problem?" It's concerning that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. I also think in sex people shouldn't have to be forced to do things they don't enjoy or that make them feel uncomfortable. That goes for how you wanted your boyfriend to do the missionary position and you knew he didn't enjoy it and couldn't even stay hard. If there's sexual incompatibility then it may be best not to be in a relationship. Pressing your partner to do things that are uncomfortable for them isn't the solution. So him pressuring you to deep throat or you pressuring him for missionary, etc. You can try to do some couples counselling or work with a sex therapist if you really want to try to fix the relationship. Your boyfriend has to put in the effort though. If he's depressed or has physical illnesses then he does need to see professionals about it. That's his responsibility to take care of himself so that it doesn't affect your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 I'll give you the blunt answer. You say you really want kids, so all the more reason not to piss around in an unhealthy relationship. It sounds really unhealthy. Here's why I think this: he treats you poorly. You are not communicating your thoughts and feelings with him freely. And no, sex shouldn't be that "hard". That's the short answer. Honestly, if you are worried about not being able to become a mom, this should be a call to freaking action. You aren't going to be able to create the healthy little family you want if you can't first figure out your end in this.. something is off. Something is off in your relationship with you if you are sticking with guys like this. That you said he's better than the other bfs, ok that's alarming. Because this guy isn't treating you how you deserve. Maybe you need some help getting on track? Like an investment in a bout of councillng for yourself. There's nothing wrong with taking charge like that! And I think it will get you to your goals a whole lot quicker than trying to turn a turd to gold. Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 4 hours ago, caraviolin said: I just need to make sure I’m not being a spoiled brat, drama queen (he just called me that the other day) or ungrateful. Ok, it's time to reflect and reevaluate the relationship. This in itself is to wear you down and keep you under his thumb Is this a BDSM situation? It's unclear why you participate in being obedient to his nonsense to your own detriment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 He's critical, sexually incompatible, and won't see a doctor. He insists that you should choke on him, but he doesn't yell at you, so he's the best BF you've ever had? We never get any wasted time back again for a do-over. I'm not sure how or why you'd envision a future with this man. I sincerely hope that you will wise up and raise your bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 11 hours ago, MissCanuck said: Please. Yes, he does. He just wants you to do it anyway. Tell him you're game if he'll deep-throat a large cucumber that you control, every time he expects you to do this. Actually, you know what? I'd be so turned off by him and his attitude about all of this, I'd leave him to deep-throat the cucumber to his heart's content while I found a man who actually respected me. I agree. This guy is incredibly selfish. He does;t give a sh%t about your needs or what he is making you endure to satisfy him. This is not love. How long has he been doing odd jobs? Who pays the bills? Won't see a doctor or take care of his health is a real turn off. I can't imagine what the breath must be like if he has dental issues. "I cook, clean and massage him whenever he wants." What does he do for you? Hon, this guy sounds like a loser. Raise your standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poorlittlefish Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 No porn? This smacks of someone who's been doing way too much porn and is now so desensitised, physically and mentally, that they can't get off at all unless their partner is acting out the scenes they've viewed. Sex is supposed to be about pleasure. There's no pleasure in something that makes you retch and tear up. Why are you allowing yourself to be abused like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 15 hours ago, caraviolin said: So the critical fussiness with my cooking is something that is not mundane? He’ll tell me some of my meals are good. So I’m not making a bigger deal out of it? It isn’t right for him to do that? Sometimes when we cuddle he’s holding me with one hand and playing a game on his phone with the other hand. This bothers me. I tell him it does and he doesn’t understand why. He says, I’m cuddling you, what’s the problem? It’s like, a lot of the time we are together, he’s distracted. He is so much better than all my past boyfriends. He doesn’t yell at me or anything. And he’s open with his communication on his affections for me. I just need to make sure I’m not being a spoiled brat, drama queen (he just called me that the other day) or ungrateful. So much better? wow ....girl you still have a long way to go to know what is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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