GF wanted to break up then changed her mind, I don’t know how to move on from that

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Me and my GF have had a great relationship for the past almost 2 years. It had been healthy, supporting as partners, best friends and lovers until this past weekend. My GF had a drinking issue during this quarantine period, she is anxious and a worrier but realized this was wrong and has been sober for the past 4 months. She  then started to attend things in her life that had been put on hold and getting her life even more together. We’ve always been supportive and loving with each-other, the type of relationship that we could tell people felt a bit jealous of because of how well we communicated and carried our relationship. We had our first experience living together for 6 months this year and now we’ve been 3 months apart as long distance relationship because they closed the boarder during COVID. I still can’t cross to see her ( I would cross every weekend to stay with her FRI-SUN) bit she can cross and spent Christmas with me and my family. During this period of time she’s been getting a lot of things done and me too, we video call every day during our lunch break and at night, we hang out and have a great time.

this past Saturday, she was about to leave home and we were in my bedroom getting her things ready when she sat on my bed crying saying that she wanted to tell me that earlier that week she started thinking about me and that she didn’t feel in her heart. In love with me anymore, that it felt more like I was a sister, family and that she wanted for us to keep being friends...obviously this was completely unexpected. I was like WTF. I was shocked and surprised. I was so hurt and just wanted to take her to the boarder so she could cross black home but she asked me crying several times to please let her stay another night. I told her that I was going to take a hot shower and she said she wanted to come with me because we always showered together. In the shower we made out heavily. Once in bed I started crying not facing her. I feel embarrassed now by how I cried but I was just so hurt and felt emotional. At one point I said to her that she ***ed me over, which I now regret because I’d anything she was just being honest. The whole thing was so out of nowhere that I just didn’t know how to react. She woke me up next morning and said she wanted to stay with me, that she loved me and we had great great sex. We then went out to get coffee and she was sharing with me how empowered she feels being sober and how she wants to apply to a better job and the goals she has for 2021. She was enthusiastic and I was still in shock from all the emotions that I had been out through that week ( I forgot to mention that earlier that week, she had a veeeeeery bad day, her dog had a blood test to check a little wort to see if he might need a 1K surgery and didn’t get the results the same day, she got some groceries wrong and her car got towed at the end of the day. I wanted to help her pay for her towing so I canceled an iPad I had made and she called me so angry, crying and yelling hysterically, I had never seen someone loose it that way EVER, maybe in movies? It was intense and dramatic, I got so worried for her. Later that night I told her that she owed me an apology for the way she yelled at me and she did apologize. The following days we were still discussing it and moving on in a healthy way thought communication, i took it as if she flipped out because she’s human and it was a very creepy day. I ended up getting my iPad and she payed for her towing btw).

so after she left home I was still very much weirded out. She was incredibly loving even more that before that night over the phone and texts and she said she felt our relationship had refreshed and that she was in a love cloud. I was not tbh, to this day I’m still thinking about Saturday night and don’t know how to move fwd. In my 34 year old experience I had never met anyone like her with that connection and mutual love and respect until Saturday. I let her know Monday  that she needed to be patient with me because I was still trying to get over it. Then Tuesday I tried to talk it out with her and ask her what made her want to break up or what may have caused for her to feel that way towards me but she said she didn’t want to go down that hole again and that I was pulling her from the love cloud we were in and that if I could just join her. That she loves me, sees us growing old together and that it would make me look sexy if I had said to her that I could live without her and be ok. Now I’m thinking I looked needy? Of course i cried, I was hurt. And I was trying to save our relationship, vulnerability doesn’t make me weak. Thing is we are talking and being loving with each other, her trying her best to move fwd and me too but in the back of my head I’m still not ok and I’m kind of heartbroken, like something has been turned off, and I don’t want to loose my self respect or to make her think it’s ok to be disrespectful with me. I just don’t know how to move on from this with her. We agreed to not talk about it again. To be honest, I really love her and do think she is worth it and would love to just keep flowing, no love goggles, she really is an incredible woman and I admire her, she can me emotional and sensitive but she is awesome. But now I feel a bit defensive like she could change her mind again in the blink of an eye. How can I regain trust and move on?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Once someone suggests breaking up (or let's be friends), you need to step way back and decide what kind of relationship and stability you want in your life.

Unfortunately she doesn't seem loving or supportive at all and no one would be envious of a relationship with this much drama.

Perhaps you are glorifying the relationship you wish you had instead of the one you actually do have.

She seems to have multiple issues getting her head and her life together.

Step back and give her space. Don't cling, beg, cry or reward bad behaviors. Instead focus on yourself and self respect.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. 

My first thought is that she's met someone else. I don't necessarily mean she's cheated on you, but it sounds to me like another person might have caught her eye and she's having trouble with the guilt and conflicting feelings arising from that. I have seen this behaviour before (both from a long-ago ex, a couple friends' partners, and a family member) and in my experience, it was always the presence of a third party. 

Even if there is nobody else in her orbit? You need to be very wary here. Someone who does a 180 that rapidly is not being honest about their feelings, and her deflection (pulling her away from her "love could", wth?) when you tried to communicate about it is immature and incredibly unfair. She is living in Fantasy Land if she truly thinks she can go from "I want to break up" to "Let's grow old together" in a matter of days and not be expected to explain herself.  That is a significant red flag.  My guess is she doesn't want to talk about it because you won't like the real reason for her unexpected turnabout. 

The other huge red flag her claim that all is back to normal, refreshed, and she's in a "love cloud." No. Just no.  Let's get real. Something is going on with her and you are very right to be very concerned and not trust this sudden, dramatic shift. It is likely she will oscillate back towards break-up talk again soon.

I think you need to take some space for yourself and ask yourself if you can really manage having a partner who is this disrespectful of your feelings, and shuts down any and all talk of possible problems. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, CherryBlossomGirl said:

Of course i cried, I was hurt. And I was trying to save our relationship, vulnerability doesn’t make me weak.

Right. 

It's always a bad idea to posture and pose yourself into a relationship. You just end up pretending all the time.

I agree with MissCanuck--I think she probably met someone else. She seems prone to getting a bit carried away by "love clouds." I suspect another love cloud has settled on her over the border, as well. 

[Hollyj]

I agree with everyone else.  

 

"I think you need to take some space for yourself and ask yourself if you can really manage having a partner who is this disrespectful of your feelings, and shuts down any and all talk of possible problems. "

[Andrina]

She doesn't care that you need an explanation of why she said she thought of you as a friend instead of a love interest. She cares more about retaining her momentary "love cloud," which is selfish. Perhaps your idea of what your relationship has been, or who she is, has been partly fantasy, especially if it's been a LDR.

I can think of one episode when I was an immature teen and broke up with a guy I dated for 2 years. It was for good reason. The bad outweighed the good. He fought that decision and being a young jerk without a mature brain, I then saw intrigue in being intimate again with this different dynamic going on. When that intrigue lost its appeal, I reverted to feeling the same way I did when I'd initially broke up and made the breakup permanent at last.

I'd guess this will be the case here. When her love cloud dissipates, you might expect another talk on how you're like a sister to her.

She's showing you who she is, and you're giving excuses because of your extreme love for her. From the outside looking in, she sounds wishy-washy and doesn't know how to manage her emotions. She had resorted to alcohol to solve problems, and I'm glad she's sober now, but it also shows that, assuming she's around 35, that she's gone this far in life and still hasn't figured out how to manage her worries and anxiety.

I'm assuming you're not willing to break up at this point. So, the only thing you can do is insist on an in person discussion to hash out that major event. Have a talk about argument rules, because arguments should be constructive and not abusive. And then just have a wait and see attitude. I'd probably be having her make more of the effort than you to gauge a continuing interest. Don't be the main driver of the train, whereas she can just be a lazy passenger, along for the ride because it's easier than the risk of hopping off.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[smackie9]

Some people can't see past their nose, and truly don't know why they feel the way they do and can't think outside the box, go further with thought and experience. She's got a very stuck personality....she doesn't grow or learn from experience. This is a person with low coping skills. Not an ideal partner for the long haul, especially when thinking about life's responsibilities like mortgage, bills, running a household, marriage and raising children. Run for the hills! You can find way better to invest your life into.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, CB. You're right, there's no way to put that toothpaste back in the tube.

Given the damage GF has dropped in your lap and can't take back, it's probably best that she cross that border and leave you alone to think this through. In doing so, I'd make this about ME, not her. You've already learned where she stands, and cloud or no cloud, it's not a place that you can change--or count on.

So you'll need to decide whether you'll want to continue investing in someone who can turn on a dime, and who is likely to do so again. Is waiting for that next shoe to drop the way you'll want to live?

[SooSad33]

First of all NEVER feel bad for having emotions & those tears.. you're hurting.

Second.. out of respect.. IF she's said she can't be involved with you- that things are not the same anymore? then YOU have to completely stop all interactions now.

You're right.. don't chase & beg- acting so 'needy'.  It was her choice, her actions.. which has caused all of this.

In order for YOU (and her) to accept and heal.. any interactions will only prolong any healing. 😞

As for 'the sex'.. sex is sex.. No one needs 'feelings' for that.

Don't give in to her anymore.. You know that saying.. 'it's all or nothing'.

Self respect.. think of YOU now.

 

One day at a time.. and in time things WILL get better... only if you keep away.