Feeling like a hopeless wreck

[RedPanda07]

Hey I kinda feel like I need someone to help me stop feeling so desperate and hopeless. I feel like my life is just a total mess. I feel like I’ve made so many bad choices and like I’ve screwed everything up and nothing is ever gonna get better.

I’m 33, I’m dirt poor, living in a tiny flat that I can barely afford rent for, I work massively long hours on minimum wage to try to pay the bills, and I’m trying to bring up three kids as a single mum. I just feel tired and ground down by it all so bad. 

I feel like i've screwed up so much  and there's no way out for me. I had a really rough childhood, my mum was an alcoholic, I never knew my dad and I was kinda neglected. But it is no excuse for the mess I’ve made of like literally everything. I got pregnant with my elder daughter when I was 17 and i moved in with someone who used to beat me up and treat me like shit. Ive kinda gone from relationship to relationship and most of them have treated me like dirt. God I’m such a wreck, I feel so ashamed of it all.

Before covid I kicked my drunk ex boyfriend out cos my kids deserve better than having to deal with that mess. It was the right thing to do but now im alone and theres no one else to help pay the bills. Covid made it worse obviusly. I’ve  got kids who i can barely afford to take care of and ive no time or money to invest in getting out of this hole cos im behind on rent anyway and struggling so bad, and anyway i feel so depressed and hopeless most of the time I feel like I struggle to get through the day. 

Seriously my life feels like a nightmare i cant get out of. I have no family except my sister who I love loads but she has her own stuff she is dealing with and I already dump on her too much atm. i feel  so tired and desperate. I smoke too much, i know it wastes money and it’s a shit choice but I feel like cigarettes help give me energy to drag me through the day. My eldest daughter is struggling in school and I feel like i have no chance to help her cos i don’t understand the work. My self care is shit, I hate myself just for writing it but like a lot of the time I just feel so exhausted and depressed that I get home from work, do a meal for the kids and then like just crawl into bed.

I love my kids and I wanna do better for them, they don’t deserve a mum who is like on the edge of falling apart in front of them, but there are so many things messed up in my life that I don’t know how to put it right. I’m 33 but I look 20 years older than that, I used to actually be pretty but now I just look at myself in the mirror and I look like an old tired sweaty mess with really bad skin and messed up teeth that I can’t afford to fix. Like I could just look at myself and cry sometimes. The rest of my life is no better. I wake up feeling rough and look round at my messy flat and know I have to do another really long day when I’m on my feet all the time just to try to pay the bills. I just feel so worn down by struggling all my life and like I’m trapped and it’s  all my fault. 

 

 

 

 

[Jibralta]

43 minutes ago, RedPanda07 said:

I’m 33 but I look 20 years older than that, I used to actually be pretty but now I just look at myself in the mirror and I look like an old tired sweaty mess with really bad skin and messed up teeth that I can’t afford to fix. Like I could just look at myself and cry sometimes.

Oh no, that is no good. You sound like you are at the end of your wits.

I'm sorry it is so tough for you. I don't know what to say except keep holding on. you're actually not very old, despite how you feel. Don't give up.

43 minutes ago, RedPanda07 said:

I wake up feeling rough and look round at my messy flat and know I have to do another really long day when I’m on my feet all the time just to try to pay the bills. I just feel so worn down by struggling all my life

Is there any way that you can have your kids chip in?

[1a1a]

Thoughts in no particular order;

In no way, shape or form have you made a mess of your life. I don’t think we have some life arc we are supposed to follow and you’ve fallen off the path. There are many paths. And you are on the path where you have stepped up to be mum every day since the first kid was born and continue to do so with perseverance that deserves commendation. 
 

you are mighty, because you have always found the strength and resolve to throw bad match boyfriends to the curb once you reach a critical mass of ‘he sucks’ or ‘this isn’t working!’

I have no kids so that bit is hard to relate to but I spoke to my friend with 4 of them the other day. She was exhausted. The constant demands on her attention, leaving her with no time to do anything for herself. And you’re juggling a slave wage job on top of that! You might think you’re failing but I think you’re absolutely kicking butt!!!

Having said that, that doesn’t mean it’s sustainable. I hope some parents in similar positions can chime in with their thoughts and advice, or you can find some somewhere to connect with. I am sure you’re not the only one on a path like this right this moment. 
 

I am certain you’ll catch some breaks too, hang in there. And ‘be like the squirrel girl’, break up all the problems into small, smaller, smallest, doable pieces.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You sound like a hard working caring single parent.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Contact social services and see what assistance you are eligible for.

You may get help with food, childcare, housing, career assistance and training as well as healthcare for you and your children.

Also research community and faith based charity programs.

Anyone can fall through the cracks. With covid it's making life hard for so many. 

[RedPanda07]

Hey everyone. Thank you for reading my late night emotional ramblings haha. And thank you for trying to help me and not judge me for what a mess I am.

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Contact social services and see what assistance you are eligible for.

I do get a bit of help from social services atm, like tax credits and child benefit. Also I’m ashamed of it but I use like food banks now and then when money is really tight, wish I didn’t have to but god it’s so tough like when you do your food shop and you have literally nothing left in the bank and you know unless you go to the food bank your not gonna eat tonight. The kids always come first. The only thing I have done right is I have never let the kids go without. Cos I remember what that’s like from growing up. When my sister and me kinda went hungry a lot. 
 

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

you are mighty, because you have always found the strength and resolve to throw bad match boyfriends to the curb once you reach a critical mass of ‘he sucks’ or ‘this isn’t working!’

I have no kids so that bit is hard to relate to but I spoke to my friend with 4 of them the other day. She was exhausted. The constant demands on her attention, leaving her with no time to do anything for herself. And you’re juggling a slave wage job on top of that! You might think you’re failing but I think you’re absolutely kicking butt!!!

Thank you so much for saying that, seriously it means a lot cos like most of the time I feel pretty worthless. So many people have told me that I’m useless and I’m never gonna achieve anything. And when I look at myself and think about my life I kinda agree sometimes. that’s just right about like the total exhaustion of taking care of kids and also doing this job. I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself. Like I say my self care is so bad I am embarrassed of myself tbh. 
 

it’s nice of you to say I’m strong for kicking out guys who treated me bad but I feel so ashamed of how I just keep ending up in relationships that don’t work out and leave me hurt. Like it’s just, I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like when you are tired and desperate and you don’t know where rent is gonna come from this month then you kinda fall for anyone who makes you feel a bit more special even if it’s just a night and you know it’s not gonna work. Also I mean I’m not likely to end up with a decent guy, nice guys don’t wanna be with an exhausted mess with three kids and yellow teeth lol. I’m not gonna end up in any more bad relationships tho I promise. I’m gonna try and focus on the kids going forward, they need me to be there for them. 

9 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Oh no, that is no good. You sound like you are at the end of your wits.

I'm sorry it is so tough for you. I don't know what to say except keep holding on. you're actually not very old, despite how you feel. Don't give up.

Is there any way that you can have your kids chip in?

I do feel at the end of my wits, I just feel like I’m forcing myself to keep going cos it’s all I know how to do. Most of the time I keep it together but last night I just felt really rough and depressed and I kinda felt like venting it all haha. I won’t give up I promise. It’s just hard to have much hope when you can’t see any way out. 
 

my kids are all different ages but my eldest is 16 and she does help me out quite a lot, like she does her best with things like laundry and cleaning when I’m working late or when I’m really tired. I’m so proud of her, she is the best daughter I could want in a million years. Just wish I could give my kids the life they deserve tbh. Feel like I’m floundering atm. But thank you again for being so kind to me 🙂

[Rose Mosse]

Yes, spend more time on you. I think you are remarkably strong to have your kids and lose the old bf. You already know where you want to be or what you want more of! This is more than half the battle won! All you need is a path and find a way to commit to getting back on track with whatever goals you have for yourself. 

Write it all down - what you want. It doesn't matter if it falls outside of a timeline. As long as you can conceptualize and visualize what you want for yourself you'll automatically make the choices you need to make to get there whether consciously or subconsciously. 

You're almost there, hun. Just stick with it. Big hugs to you. Vent here any time.