Could use some advice when he says he doesn't see a future

[catfeeder]

If someone were to tell me that he saw no future with me, I'd thank him for his honesty, and I'd walk away with my dignity. Zero 'confusion'. Zero analysis.

There is no amount of 'help'--of any kind--that will force someone to want what they don't want.

Most people are NOT a good match for us. All the pretzeling in the world won't change that--it's natural odds, and it's a level playing field for all of us.

Whenever someone doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens, that speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in you.  A good match will own the vision to see and appreciate your unique value. This is someone who 'gets you,' and you'll share simpatico, and you'll inspire one another--not walk on eggshells.

It's a mistake to view another's limits as any reflection on you, and it's bigger mistake to hover around in the hope of correcting them. Not only is it not your job, but it's disrespectful to the fact that most people CHOOSE their own limits--and so they won't welcome your 'help' to change them.

Head high, and make it a private goal to reconnect with the resilient part of you that has not lost sight of your own value. You may have forgotten it in your distraction, but you have not lost it.

[Jibralta]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If someone were to tell me that he saw no future with me, I'd thank him for his honesty, and I'd walk away with my dignity.

Yes, I vote for this. Do this! Do this!

[Soconfused75]

Thank you for all the advice. He has disclosed to me that he has been unhappy with life way before I met him and he feels he has depression..ok fine then go get some help instead of just talking about it. The past 10 months he has told me he has issues to deal with but has never attempted or committed to getting help. It may be part of why he has not been able to treat me the way i deserve BUT its up to me to decide..and that is not ACCEPTABLE Behavior. I deserve more and I have tried to help but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves so now its time to focus on me and get myself back to where I was before I met him. 

[Batya33]

Well no.  He has been able to treat you the way you deserve but he has chosen not to.  A person who has depression has the choice not to be in a relationship if he or she feels he cannot treat another person with respect.  I don't think you have to focus on yourself but simply keep your distance from this person.

[catfeeder]

On 1/1/2021 at 12:40 PM, Batya33 said:

 I don't think you have to focus on yourself but simply keep your distance from this person.

Focusing on ourselves is a life long assignment. Pursuing self improvement doesn't mean that we are damaged or broken or deficient, it's just a natural course of refinement with maturity.

The problem comes when we distract ourselves from that job by putting our focus instead on trying to fix whatever flaws we've assigned to someone else. 

When we're doing our job, we can recognize the difference between a bad match and a good one. We'll be attracted to a good match for the right reasons, and we'll own the discretion to allow bad matches to pass early.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Focusing on ourselves is a life long assignment. Pursuing self improvement doesn't mean that we are damaged or broken or deficient, it's just a natural course of refinement with maturity.

The problem comes when we distract ourselves from that job by putting our focus instead on trying to fix whatever flaws we've assigned to someone else. 

When we're doing our job, we can recognize the difference between a bad match and a good one. We'll be attracted to a good match for the right reasons, and we'll own the discretion to allow bad matches to pass early.

Of course self improvement is a life long goal. I don't think that focusing on herself because someone treated her badly is the answer.  She should continue growing, evolving and improving and in reaction to being treated badly by someone else the first line of defense/response is to distance oneself from that person.  I don't relate to the answer to a relationship ending to be the knee jerk "I will focus on myself" - being in a relationship coexists with self-improvement.  Being out of a relationship can mean refocusing on things you didn't have as much time for - like volunteer work, travel, friends you've lost touch with etc.

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course self improvement is a life long goal. I don't think that focusing on herself because someone treated her badly is the answer.  She should continue growing, evolving and improving and in reaction to being treated badly by someone else the first line of defense/response is to distance oneself from that person.  I don't relate to the answer to a relationship ending to be the knee jerk "I will focus on myself" - being in a relationship coexists with self-improvement.  Being out of a relationship can mean refocusing on things you didn't have as much time for - like volunteer work, travel, friends you've lost touch with etc.

Good point. I share your view that one of the best ways to get out of our own way when trying to heal is the opposite of isolating. Otherwise, we risk ruminating ourselves into a downward spiral--and that just digs a deeper hole to climb out of.

I like to think of healing as moving 'beyond' ourselves to spend time with others. Since emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around, we may not feel up to that, but that's exactly WHY it's the time to do it. When we fill up our calendar with commitments (that we will not break) to loved ones and friends, and we make that time about them-not-me, this allows for the company of others to help 'normalize' us OUT of a single-minded focus.

That's honestly been the best healing gift I've ever learned how to give to my SELF.

 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Good point. I share your view that one of the best ways to get out of our own way when trying to heal is the opposite of isolating. Otherwise, we risk ruminating ourselves into a downward spiral--and that just digs a deeper hole to climb out of.

I like to think of healing as moving 'beyond' ourselves to spend time with others. Since emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around, we may not feel up to that, but that's exactly WHY it's the time to do it. When we fill up our calendar with commitments (that we will not break) to loved ones and friends, and we make that time about them-not-me, this allows for the company of others to help 'normalize' us OUT of a single-minded focus.

That's honestly been the best healing gift I've ever learned how to give to my SELF.

 

Yes yes exactly.  It's why I push myself to work out daily even when I don't feel like it because the awesome rewards for my mental health follow the nitty gritty actions of pounding the pavement or pre-covid treadmill.  OP I write this because physical exercise -or dancing like no one is watching - is the best for this kind of situation.  And one of my new friends who is an occupational therapist recommended -within reason of course - pushing or pulling or lifting (weights, amazon prime boxes not that I have any in my house, whatever) helps a lot with refocusing and gaining balance.