Help! I'm jealous of my boyfriend's niece...

[SarahLancaster]

If you can't afford your own place to live, you shouldn't be thinking about having children.  Children cost a lot of money.

Where were you living before you moved into this bizarre arrangement?  You should move out until you're both gainfully employed enough to have an independent lifestyle.

[maritalbliss86]

23 hours ago, SavviMammi666 said:

@MissCanuck
Before I moved in she primarily slept in his bed as I understand it. Her mom is frequently very rude to her and her dad seems to just tolerate her. It's been told to me that they're only together because they had her. She's very clingy and dependent and it's not hard to see why. I don't think our values are that different, as I said, I love this kid too. I'm mostly having trouble with feeling like I'm left out of the family because the sister-in-law barely wants me to interact with her daughter.

This really broke my heart for her.  She probably in some way needs your boyfriend as a surrogate dad/father figure and it's going to tear her heart out if or when he leaves her.  

How tragic just all around.  In some cases like this, the Uncle does adopt the unwanted child... your boyfriend probably isn't going to go that route (sadly for her), and maybe the crazy parents wouldn't even allow it, but ultimately, the best for this girl would be to have a loving parent(s).  

[maritalbliss86]

23 hours ago, ChasingHope said:

Your description of a 3 year old (which IS a toddler) as "clingy and dependent"  is very similar to your own self-description as "very needy"; the only difference is that you are an adult (as I assume you are over 18) and this is a very young child.  Because of this you may want to re-evaluate if you are ready for children of your own.  Most (if not all) children require the majority of your attention and it doesn't seem you are ready to have someone compete with your own need for affection.

Yes, I also picked up on this.  

If the OP is an adult woman it's scary to me that she's allowing herself to feel jealousy over a child only 3 years old, and one with bad parents at that.

OP I don't mean this in a rude way, but that jealousy/envy etc. that's why there are so many (historically accurate) accounts of bad/evil stepmothers who despise their step-daughters (the niece plays that role here, since your boyfriend is basically a surrogate father figure).

For your own mental health etc. you may want to really look internally at your own feelings here and deal with them correctly.  Yes, he's messing up with having terrible boundaries with her, but even aside from that, look at all the endless fairy tales and historic stories of why the step mothers hated these young girls.  They were always jealous of them in some way, and that turned their hearts toward evil basically.

You can choose to feel different by separating yourself from a situation like this.  But also working on why you felt so threatened by a 3 year old.  I don't think it's normal and a healthy thing when it's played out.

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, SarahLancaster said:

If you can't afford your own place to live, you shouldn't be thinking about having children.  Children cost a lot of money.

Where were you living before you moved into this bizarre arrangement?  You should move out until you're both gainfully employed enough to have an independent lifestyle.

I was also wondering why they were discussing kids when they couldn't afford their own place.   

[reinventmyself]

What happened to the moment that you took all this into consideration  . .the whole package deal *before* you moved in?  Not after and then fight an uphill battle to change an entire family dynamic. 

You do realize you are outnumbered and a guest in someone else's home, right?

This is what you signed up for.  Sister's home and she didn't like you?  Sharing a bed with your bf and a toddler?   I'd rather have a root canal.

Unless I am reading this wrong, you knew all this before you decided it was a good idea to live like this.

Tell him you made a mistake and move home.  It might motivate the both of you to get out on your own sooner.

 

 

[SavviMammi666]

4 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

This really broke my heart for her.  She probably in some way needs your boyfriend as a surrogate dad/father figure and it's going to tear her heart out if or when he leaves her.  

How tragic just all around.  In some cases like this, the Uncle does adopt the unwanted child... your boyfriend probably isn't going to go that route (sadly for her), and maybe the crazy parents wouldn't even allow it, but ultimately, the best for this girl would be to have a loving parent(s).  

Honestly, if we could adopt her I would be totally down but I doubt her parents would allow it and would probably put strain on my boyfriend and his brother's relationship, which I definitely don't want because they have a very close bond and I find it adorable.

[SavviMammi666]

This is a general reply to everyone's comments. I'm just gonna clarify some things because y'all are making your own conclusions as well as misinterpreting things that I only wrote to put some perspective on the issue.

The mention and thought of children stems from the fact that we both want them, spent lots of time taking care of them, and almost had one of our own.

No, I wasn't aware that the sister had disliked me so much when I moved in. When I first moved in she stated that upon our first interaction she thought I was rude (I was helping them move into the house we live in now, something I wasn't obligated to do). It wasn't until a little bit later that she started acting like a complete bitch.

No, my boyfriend isn't obligated to act like her father but if she needs emotional support he's going to give it to her and that's that. No, I don't mind that fact. No, I don't just want her out of our hair, I want her mom to teach her the right way to act since I'm "not allowed" to.

If loving children like they're my own is "unhealthy" then I must be. I have countless friends with kids and have dated men with children and I've never had an issue like this because I was unafraid to parent and/or correct them. That's what I meant by treating them as my own.

No, I'm not gonna move back home or get another boyfriend. I'm not a "guest" in their house, I pay bills, I'm on the lease, so it's also my house. I helped them move in, and a few months later I decided to move in as well. As I've said, the sister has calmed down and is no longer an issue. Her daughter is not an issue. My issue is my feelings which I what I need help with, how to get over them instead of bottling them up or making a big deal about them.

Also, I don't appreciate the comments about "you two aren't even married or engaged"... We don't have to get married or engaged and we don't want to lol it's a piece of paper y'all.

Since, clearly, opinions are completely divided and nobody has offered any advice of much worth I won't be responding any further.

Thanks for those of you who were actually helpful, have a good one.

[Tinydance]

35 minutes ago, SavviMammi666 said:

This is a general reply to everyone's comments. I'm just gonna clarify some things because y'all are making your own conclusions as well as misinterpreting things that I only wrote to put some perspective on the issue.

The mention and thought of children stems from the fact that we both want them, spent lots of time taking care of them, and almost had one of our own.

No, I wasn't aware that the sister had disliked me so much when I moved in. When I first moved in she stated that upon our first interaction she thought I was rude (I was helping them move into the house we live in now, something I wasn't obligated to do). It wasn't until a little bit later that she started acting like a complete bitch.

No, my boyfriend isn't obligated to act like her father but if she needs emotional support he's going to give it to her and that's that. No, I don't mind that fact. No, I don't just want her out of our hair, I want her mom to teach her the right way to act since I'm "not allowed" to.

If loving children like they're my own is "unhealthy" then I must be. I have countless friends with kids and have dated men with children and I've never had an issue like this because I was unafraid to parent and/or correct them. That's what I meant by treating them as my own.

No, I'm not gonna move back home or get another boyfriend. I'm not a "guest" in their house, I pay bills, I'm on the lease, so it's also my house. I helped them move in, and a few months later I decided to move in as well. As I've said, the sister has calmed down and is no longer an issue. Her daughter is not an issue. My issue is my feelings which I what I need help with, how to get over them instead of bottling them up or making a big deal about them.

Also, I don't appreciate the comments about "you two aren't even married or engaged"... We don't have to get married or engaged and we don't want to lol it's a piece of paper y'all.

Since, clearly, opinions are completely divided and nobody has offered any advice of much worth I won't be responding any further.

Thanks for those of you who were actually helpful, have a good one.

Well if you have no problem with any of this then why ask for advice in the first place? Then just carry on living and doing as you are and don't worry about anything. I wonder if you're a very young woman or just immature. You acted very defensive and catty just because you didn't get the reply you wanted. There must be a reason why everyone wrote the same things, no? It's because everyone can see the situation for how it seems.

I actually don't think that treating other people's children as your own is fine. You can be friendly to them but you shouldn't be acting like their Mum because you're not. If you're dating someone with kids then "treating them as your own" just creates unhealthy attachment and problems. You dated guys with kids before. Where are those guys now? That's right, you never speak to them anymore I'm guessing. By overstepping and acting like someone's mother you end up just hurting the child.

Sure, you may be on the lease in the house but that doesn't make you this little girl's Mum or your boyfriend her Dad. If the parents wouldn't let you adopt her then back off and let them be her parents. You say you want her mother to teach the little girl how to act, but you have no boundaries yourself and are actually encouraging these behaviours in his niece.

When you move out you won't be around her that much anymore and she'll have separation anxiety because she'll be used to the fact that you were always with her and were like her parents.

 

[Hollyj]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well if you have no problem with any of this then why ask for advice in the first place? Then just carry on living and doing as you are and don't worry about anything. I wonder if you're a very young woman or just immature. You acted very defensive and catty just because you didn't get the reply you wanted. There must be a reason why everyone wrote the same things, no? It's because everyone can see the situation for how it seems.

I actually don't think that treating other people's children as your own is fine. You can be friendly to them but you shouldn't be acting like their Mum because you're not. If you're dating someone with kids then "treating them as your own" just creates unhealthy attachment and problems. You dated guys with kids before. Where are those guys now? That's right, you never speak to them anymore I'm guessing. By overstepping and acting like someone's mother you end up just hurting the child.

Sure, you may be on the lease in the house but that doesn't make you this little girl's Mum or your boyfriend her Dad. If the parents wouldn't let you adopt her then back off and let them be her parents. You say you want her mother to teach the little girl how to act, but you have no boundaries yourself and are actually encouraging these behaviours in his niece.

When you move out you won't be around her that much anymore and she'll have separation anxiety because she'll be used to the fact that you were always with her and were like her parents.

 

The truth is a hard pill to swallow.    

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, SavviMammi666 said:

This is a general reply to everyone's comments. I'm just gonna clarify some things because y'all are making your own conclusions as well as misinterpreting things that I only wrote to put some perspective on the issue.

My issue is my feelings which I what I need help with, how to get over them instead of bottling them up or making a big deal about them.

 

Hardly fair to admit that what you shared could be misinterpreted and then lash out at the answers given based on that.   Thanks for the clarification.  

"If loving them as if they are your own is unhealthy'  Hmm . . No one single responder said this.  We are however pretty unanimous that an uncle sleeping with a 3 yr is.  Especially when the 3 yr is encouraged to place herself as a the primary person in your boyfriends life.   That makes you secondary and what brought you here to begin with.

You campaigned, painting a picture of some unhealthy goings on in your home and then get upset when we support your feelings about this.   But no, we aren't going to help you tolerate an intolerable situation.

I don't see you having some mysterious character flaw that causes you to be jealous of a 3 year old, that you need help overcoming. I think you've found yourself caught up in an unhealthy dynamic and that discomfort you are feeling is something you should listen to.  

The is choice to stay is however yours.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Hardly fair to admit that what you shared could be misinterpreted and then lash out at the answers given based on that.   Thanks for the clarification.  

"If loving them as if they are your own is unhealthy'  Hmm . . No one single responder said this.  We are however pretty unanimous that an uncle sleeping with a 3 yr is.  Especially when the 3 yr is encouraged to place herself as a the primary person in your boyfriends life.   That makes you secondary and what brought you here to begin with.

You campaigned, painting a picture of some unhealthy goings on in your home and then get upset when we support your feelings about this.   But no, we aren't going to help you tolerate an intolerable situation.

I don't see you having some mysterious character flaw that causes you to be jealous of a 3 year old, that you need help overcoming. I think you've found yourself caught up in an unhealthy dynamic and that discomfort you are feeling is something you should listen to.  

The is choice to stay is however yours.

I did.  She said no matter if she knows the child or not she claims them as her own.  I quoted from her original post. And now she says she should be allowed to discipline someone else's child because she's living with the child's uncle and parents.  No, it's not fine and it's not healthy for a child to be regarded or treated(or potentially treated) like that.

 

She wrote:"Now, I love children, I claim everyone's kid as my own regardless of whether I know them or not. "  And she is also as she said, needy and jealous.  And at odds with the child's own mother.  Wow. 

For the good of this child please move out, please don't even consider trying to adopt someone else's child and please mind your own business about how she is being raised by her parents and her uncle.   I'm not going to try to convince you in the least to reconsider your mindset and attitude towards children and other peoples' children but since you say you love children be the adult here and get out of this situation for the good of this little girl.

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

And she is also as she said, needy and jealous.  And at odds with the child's own mother.  Wow. 

I think when someone admits something about themselves, you should probably believe them (I'm agreeing with Batya here)

And yes, I do think she's right to see that **even aside from the weird/awful boundaries her boyfriend has with his niece** those feelings of neediness and jealousy may not be healthy or right.

They may be there even if there WERE good boundaries.  That's something she will need help with, probably with a trained therapist.

I do think moving out is probably the best because you can't change your boyfriend's weird boundaries without hurting the niece (you're in a No-Win situation here...).  Perhaps moving out would work, but you don't really know that.

Good luck OP ❤️, it's hard to hear advice. 

[Batya33]

Certainly if your boyfriend is that concerned he can call child protective services.

The late Dr. Joy Browne used to say that even a stepmother (which you are not -you're just the child's uncle's girlfriend) is supposed to be a good host and not discipline the kids -that's for the parents.  Different if the child is disrespectful to the adult - then the adult, whether stepmother or otherwise can require that the child not treat her offensively or abusively.  

[HeartGoesOn]

5 hours ago, SavviMammi666 said:

Since, clearly, opinions are completely divided and nobody has offered any advice of much worth I won't be responding any further.

Thread closed...