lonely Lost and lonely

[lately]

Hi I'm from the UK, in my early 20s and male. I've wanted to try and reach out about how I've been feeling for a long time now but never quite found the courage. The main feeling is just of a never-ending sadness and just feeling lost and lonely.

My life has no direction, sure I have a career ahead of me and that's great but the rest of my life, the personal side, there's just nothing. I never have anything to look forward to, there's never anything exciting happening, I'm uninterested in everything and every conversation and I'm always worrying and worrying about the tiniest of problems and overthinking to the extreme where I fabricate social scenarios in my head that never will and never do happen. I'm agitated and upset when I don't feel in control of everything happening in my life, and I get upset when other people try to takeover things or reorganise things or try to tell me how I should do something. I've never been in a relationship but I'm in love with a friend but I don't even have the confidence to address my feelings with her. My confidence is rock-bottom I hate the way I feel and just seeing everyone else around me doing so well while I just struggle to keep up and I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

I just feel like every time I try to be better I always fail. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right topic/forum but I wondered if anyone ever felt this way and got through it or maybe if anyone has any advice or comments. thank you.

 

[Wiseman2]

Have you consulted a physician about the helpless hopelessness and sustained depressed mood?

Start there. Then ask for a referral for ongoing support therapy 

Mental health is not a DIY situation. There's a lot of people struggling but you can get the help you need.

[lately]

I haven't no. It's been difficult with the pandemic, everything is telephone or video consultation and I don't get any privacy at home anymore to talk freely. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, lately said:

I haven't no. It's been difficult with the pandemic, everything is telephone or video consultation and I don't get any privacy at home anymore to talk freely. 

Therapy may be online, but if you're over 18 and hopefully have health insurance, you can see a physician in the office, where everything is strictly confidential.

Do you share a room with siblings? Can you take your phone with you and go for a walk alone?

[lately]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Therapy may be online, but if you're over 18 and hopefully have health insurance, you can see a physician in the office, where everything is strictly confidential.

Do you share a room with siblings? Can you take your phone with you and go for a walk alone?

I'm in the UK so no health insurance needed, it's just face-to-face contact is being avoided as much as possible right now. I also find it very hard to talk about my problems out loud and I find it difficult to put it into words that make sense in the moment. 

I have my own room and everything, I just still can never guarantee any privacy or that I won't be disturbed. Even if I go for a walk it just isn't easy to be alone. But no worries I'll have to look for other ways of coping with everything. 

[Tinydance]

Well, to me it sounds like you may be depressed. Which in the pandemic is actually totally understandable because it is a very isolating and lonely time. I agree that it may be good for you to talk to a therapist and discussing your feelings, as well as work on strategies to help yourself. Do you have any friends? I think it's really important for well-being and mental health to have a friendship circle. You can meet friends through many different avenues but obviously in the pandemic and quarantine that's not really possible. That's not to say that it won't be possible in the future though. The good news is you're still very young. It's a lot easier to make friends and find a relationship when you're younger. It gets harder once you're in your 30's and older.

[greendots]

16 hours ago, lately said:

there's never anything exciting happening,

Most things can be exciting. All depends on the story we tell ourselves, a matter of perspective. For example, I'm watching a cooking show. I can see it as a time wasting experience or I can make the most of this: actually take notes and attempt that dish the next day. Exciting! What if friends invited you over to watch some sport which you weren't interested in? Well, you'd focus on the time you spend with your mates rather than the match itself. That's actually fun!

 

16 hours ago, lately said:

I'm always worrying and worrying about the tiniest of problems and overthinking to the extreme where I fabricate social scenarios in my head that never will and never do happen.

As for worrying, this is what has recently helped me calm my mind more (still not 100%, but certainly doing much better) and might help you as well. First I ask: "What's the most logical reason XYZ happened?". Logic beats any concoction. Afterwards, I ask myself: "What can I do about it it?". If I can't do anything about it because it's out of my control, I shall try to no longer worry about it.

 

16 hours ago, lately said:

I've never been in a relationship but I'm in love with a friend

Is your friend single? If that's the case I'd recommend you do something about it. Ask her on a date such as walking together if possible (I'm not sure how UK's current lockdown works across the country), flirt with her, tell her you like her if you feel brave (do not say you love her, that will scare most away), etc.

Have courage! You may not achieve everything in one month. But that's okay. Every small step is a step forward to accomplishing your goal. 🙂

Imagine, it takes at least six to nine weeks to climb Mount Everest. And those who attempt climbing it generally do heaps of training (9+ months), prep and so on before that.

 

[lately]

Thanks both for your comments 

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well, to me it sounds like you may be depressed. Which in the pandemic is actually totally understandable because it is a very isolating and lonely time. I agree that it may be good for you to talk to a therapist and discussing your feelings, as well as work on strategies to help yourself. Do you have any friends? I think it's really important for well-being and mental health to have a friendship circle. You can meet friends through many different avenues but obviously in the pandemic and quarantine that's not really possible. That's not to say that it won't be possible in the future though. The good news is you're still very young. It's a lot easier to make friends and find a relationship when you're younger. It gets harder once you're in your 30's and older.

I think you're right about depression, the pandemic may have added to it but to be honest I've felt a lot like this even before it began. The sad thing is I realised how lonely I really was because when the lockdown started it didn't feel any different to me. 

I have two friends, one is the one I have feelings for. They're both great people but we're not the kind of friends to talk all the time or everyday and they have other friends whereas I don't so that can be difficult.

5 hours ago, greendots said:

Most things can be exciting. All depends on the story we tell ourselves, a matter of perspective. For example, I'm watching a cooking show. I can see it as a time wasting experience or I can make the most of this: actually take notes and attempt that dish the next day. Exciting! What if friends invited you over to watch some sport which you weren't interested in? Well, you'd focus on the time you spend with your mates rather than the match itself. That's actually fun!

Thank you greendots you're totally right about this, I think I've gotten so hung up on comparing myself to everyone else that I feel boring. I need to start appreciating the small things in life. I keep trying to do the same things and expect to suddenly feel satisfied when what I should probably do is either see them in a different way or just try something new even if it's small.

 

5 hours ago, greendots said:

As for worrying, this is what has recently helped me calm my mind more (still not 100%, but certainly doing much better) and might help you as well. First I ask: "What's the most logical reason XYZ happened?". Logic beats any concoction. Afterwards, I ask myself: "What can I do about it it?". If I can't do anything about it because it's out of my control, I shall try to no longer worry about it.

This is really helpful. I get in a cycle of 'what if what if what if' and it's totally exhausting. It's almost like my brain wants me to panic about every possible problem with something. The issue is I'm totally irrational. I'll convince myself I did something or said something or have something that I never did. It's mostly about social situations because I have a really big problem connecting with people, I feel very socially awkward. It has entered health anxiety too more recently (not covid related).

5 hours ago, greendots said:

Is your friend single? If that's the case I'd recommend you do something about it. Ask her on a date such as walking together if possible (I'm not sure how UK's current lockdown works across the country), flirt with her, tell her you like her if you feel brave (do not say you love her, that will scare most away), etc.

She is single yes, she's incredible and I don't think she realises how great she is. Yeah lockdown has made it difficult, plus we live in different towns/cities and so while we live in towns relatively close to each other it isn't easy with everything going on. The social awkwardness aspect doesn't help, I find it hard to say what I want to say on the spot. I also feel like a text is a bit impersonal so I'm just thinking about it everyday and driving myself crazy.

 

6 hours ago, greendots said:

Have courage! You may not achieve everything in one month. But that's okay. Every small step is a step forward to accomplishing your goal. 🙂

Imagine, it takes at least six to nine weeks to climb Mount Everest. And those who attempt climbing it generally do heaps of training (9+ months), prep and so on before that.

Thank you I really appreciate your advice 🙂 

[greendots]

7 hours ago, lately said:

Thank you greendots you're totally right about this, I think I've gotten so hung up on comparing myself to everyone else that I feel boring.

Boring is subjective. Some people are into gardening, others prefer to collect stamps. Do these activities make them boring? No. I'm sure there's something fascinating about collecting stamps or gardening - otherwise people wouldn't be into it.

 

7 hours ago, lately said:

I need to start appreciating the small things in life. I keep trying to do the same things and expect to suddenly feel satisfied when what I should probably do is either see them in a different way or just try something new even if it's small.

Exactly! If we change the way we see things our world changes with us. Small positive changes add up in the long-term.

 

7 hours ago, lately said:

It's mostly about social situations because I have a really big problem connecting with people, I feel very socially awkward. It has entered health anxiety too more recently (not covid related).

I've struggled to connect with people in the past as well. I found that the best way to do that is to be genuinely interested in them, in what they do and who they are. By the way, a smile goes a long way! You can also connect with others by finding common ground. "Hey, you like this band? Sweet, so do I!" Obviously, we cannot click with everyone. But that's okay.

 

7 hours ago, lately said:

I also feel like a text is a bit impersonal so I'm just thinking about it everyday and driving myself crazy.

Why don't you call her? So much better than texting! Smile and bring a great vibe with you - positivity is contagious and can be sensed over the phone.

 

7 hours ago, lately said:

Thank you I really appreciate your advice

You're welcome! 🙂

[sadchick83]

The pandemic/your current environment may be your issue and I can totally relate as I also have a tendency to become a bit depressed under certain circumstances. 

I normally live in Florida, but am visiting relatives in Canada. I moved to Florida because I need the sun.  It is like Prozac to me. It was a big life change (moving to the South) but one I felt was necessary for my mental health.  To live in a sunny climate and walking distance to a beach is wonderful for those with a tendency to become depressed.  I know the UK weather can be similar to Canada.  Do you have to live in the UK, or can you move? Is there another place that will make you happier?

I cannot believe how hard it is to be fully locked down and sequestered to a bedroom and bathroom for two weeks.  Coupled with the fact that the weather is terrible and haven’t seen the sun in two weeks has been hugely difficult. Reiterates my move to the South was the right decision. The sun really helps.

The only thing keeping me going is a bit of cardio exercise.  Do you exercise? How is your diet?  Eating fresh fruits and vegetables is also important to your wellbeing. 

You are still really young.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  If you are not enjoying life, change it.  Take the pandemic time to figure out your next move. Maybe study abroad or become a yachtie (someone who works on a yacht). Having a plan or a vacation on the horizon will give you hope.

Regarding romantic interests, I have been in and out of love/infatuation hundreds of times.  I can tell you that you will likely be disappointed > 50% of the time. I wish someone had told me that 20 years ago. However, I always get over the last guy by replacing him with someone new.  Find another muse if this person is not working for you. This is not the only woman left on earth.

Ultimately you control your own happiness. Only you can make the changes to achieve it.

 

 

[lately]

15 hours ago, greendots said:

Boring is subjective. Some people are into gardening, others prefer to collect stamps. Do these activities make them boring? No. I'm sure there's something fascinating about collecting stamps or gardening - otherwise people wouldn't be into it

Yeah definitely. I struggle to find time to find a hobby because I have to study a lot, nothing interests me at the moment I wish I could break out of the cycle!

 

15 hours ago, greendots said:

I've struggled to connect with people in the past as well. I found that the best way to do that is to be genuinely interested in them, in what they do and who they are. By the way, a smile goes a long way! You can also connect with others by finding common ground. "Hey, you like this band? Sweet, so do I!" Obviously, we cannot click with everyone. But that's okay.

I could always try and be more engaging, I just have this fear of saying something stupid and embarrassing myself. It probably sounds silly but I almost have a phobia of conversation, I just never know how to keep it flowing and it's embarrassing. 

 

15 hours ago, greendots said:

Why don't you call her? So much better than texting! Smile and bring a great vibe with you - positivity is contagious and can be sensed over the phone.

I could, I just still don't know what to say I don't want to mess it up 😅

 

11 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

I normally live in Florida, but am visiting relatives in Canada. I moved to Florida because I need the sun.  It is like Prozac to me. It was a big life change (moving to the South) but one I felt was necessary for my mental health.  To live in a sunny climate and walking distance to a beach is wonderful for those with a tendency to become depressed.  I know the UK weather can be similar to Canada.  Do you have to live in the UK, or can you move? Is there another place that will make you happier?

Thank you sadchick83 for your comments 🙂

I can imagine the climate is so much more pleasant than in the cold! Sometimes I wish I could just get up and go away somewhere but unfortunately I'm a student so I'm kind of bound to where I am for the next few years. I'd love to go out to live in the countryside or something right now 

 

11 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

I cannot believe how hard it is to be fully locked down and sequestered to a bedroom and bathroom for two weeks.  Coupled with the fact that the weather is terrible and haven’t seen the sun in two weeks has been hugely difficult. Reiterates my move to the South was the right decision. The sun really helps.

The only thing keeping me going is a bit of cardio exercise.  Do you exercise? How is your diet?  Eating fresh fruits and vegetables is also important to your wellbeing.

For sure! It has been so tough for everyone hasn't it, I feel like I do the same routine every single day. 

My diet is good I think, I'm pretty fit, probably too skinny if anything. It's like my body won't allow me to build any strength and muscle at all which is frustrating haha. But everything is fine I guess, I go for walks every now and then and avoid the junk food. 

 

12 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

Regarding romantic interests, I have been in and out of love/infatuation hundreds of times.  I can tell you that you will likely be disappointed > 50% of the time. I wish someone had told me that 20 years ago. However, I always get over the last guy by replacing him with someone new.  Find another muse if this person is not working for you. This is not the only woman left on earth.

Thank you that's good advice, I'm completely head over heels about this girl. I know I really really like her but the issue is because of lockdown and having all that thinking time I've almost allowed my myself to believe that it's going to be happily ever after when in reality she could say no, which is absolutely fine and I'd respect that 100% but I'd be pretty crushed. It's the first time I've felt in love so it's all new to me I guess.

 

12 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

Ultimately you control your own happiness. Only you can make the changes to achieve it.

Thank you for all the great advice I really appreciate it 🙂 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, lately said:

, I just have this fear of saying something stupid and embarrassing myself. 

Read up on "social anxiety". There's a lot of help available for that.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353561

[greendots]

5 hours ago, lately said:

I could always try and be more engaging, I just have this fear of saying something stupid and embarrassing myself. It probably sounds silly but I almost have a phobia of conversation, I just never know how to keep it flowing and it's embarrassing. 

You're keeping this conversation going. 🙂 Also, a good tip is to repeat (just the gist of it) what the other one is saying and then ask a follow up question. A friend of mine is excellent at this, she'll smile and look at you (eye contact).

 

5 hours ago, lately said:

I could, I just still don't know what to say I don't want to mess it up 😅

What is she interested in? Read some articles on it, that way when you call her you've got something to talk about. Also, you say you don't have hobbies at the moment due to studying heaps but you eat right? Almost anything can be exciting to talk about depending on how you present it. "Hey, I ordered takeaway from this incredible Italian place around the corner. You simply have to try it!"

She could say no, but she could also say yes. The only way to find out is by calling her. Show that you are interested in getting to know her. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[lately]

On 12/29/2020 at 4:05 PM, greendots said:

You're keeping this conversation going. 🙂 Also, a good tip is to repeat (just the gist of it) what the other one is saying and then ask a follow up question. A friend of mine is excellent at this, she'll smile and look at you (eye contact).

That makes sense thanks that's a good tip 🙂 

 

On 12/29/2020 at 4:05 PM, greendots said:

What is she interested in? Read some articles on it, that way when you call her you've got something to talk about. Also, you say you don't have hobbies at the moment due to studying heaps but you eat right? Almost anything can be exciting to talk about depending on how you present it. "Hey, I ordered takeaway from this incredible Italian place around the corner. You simply have to try it!"

It's been a while since we've seen each other in person because of everything going on, but even then and while we've been messaging during the pandemic she's very closed, not in a bad way, I just struggle to shift the conversation onto her even though I ask questions back. It could be that I'm just overthinking and there's actually nothing wrong with our conversation aha. 

 

It probably sounds strange but we've known each other for years now and the pandemic and other things have meant we've sort of drifted apart slightly as friends, not talking as frequently etc. but the last quarter of this year we've been chatting a lot more and actually it feels good because before I might have been afraid of the 'friendzone', but it's almost like we're getting to know each other again and yet we know so much already and to me it feels exciting but maybe she doesn't feel it, I'll have to see. I just have to say something sooner rather than later I think, New Year maybe.

[lostandhurt]

lately,

Welcome to ENA,

Keep posting as there are always caring people here willing to help.

As I read your words it reminded me of myself in some ways.  Your desire to be in control is rooted in fear.  Like you said you are afraid of saying something stupid or perhaps looking like a fool. Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Do you hold back saying anything for fear of being wrong?

I have been accused of being very smart over the years and instead of just taking it as a compliment I turned it into a negative.  I tried to live up to some unknown bar I had to reach that nobody but myself set so high.  It was exhausting and hurt my soul and made me look like an ego filled jerk at times.  The only time I would open my mouth is when I was sure I was correct so it looked like I was always right when in fact I was insecure and afraid, not smart.

These things build in our imagined mind over the years.  Sometimes the seed is planted by someone else but we water it and help it grow to our own detriment.  Solving a problem requires figuring out what is wrong or broken right?  So if you can spend some time searching your soul looking for the root or roots of this you can start to build your way out.

What did I do you might wonder.  I forced myself into situations and actions that I would have avoided at all costs before.  My mind like yours can be stubborn so I had to prove to it that being wrong or looking stupid or anything was not lethal, it is human and the more human and true to yourself you are the better person you are to yourself and all around you.  After my divorce I promised myself I would put myself out there as much as possible and risk looking foolish or wrong.  One of the first things was to sign up to be a bachelor to be auctioned off for charity as a date.  I had television interviews, fund raisers, events, guest bartender at a bar and even a fashion show not to mention the auction.  Going for the lowest bid was a huge fear!   I survived, met a ton of wonderful people and had a blast doing it.  The thing is I needed to desensitize myself to these fears by over exaggerating my exposure to them.  Perhaps this would work for you as well.  I am not saying do what I did but find situations you fear most and force yourself into them over and over again expanding the time you are there each time until they are no longer a big deal.  The hard part is getting started, especially during a pandemic but that doesn't mean you can't start taking stock and finding those roots.

This is totally doable, just keep posting

Lost    

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I had to prove to it that being wrong or looking stupid or anything was not lethal

I do things like this, too. It's helpful.

For example, I wanted to change careers, back in my 20s. But, I was scared because of the risk.

So, I said, "Let's see if it kills me." And I took the first step. It didn't kill me. Neither did the next, or the next, or the next. I survived all the steps.

A thousand miles later, I am fully transitioned over and gainfully employed in my new career.

[greendots]

4 hours ago, lately said:

It's been a while since we've seen each other in person because of everything going on, but even then and while we've been messaging during the pandemic she's very closed, not in a bad way, I just struggle to shift the conversation onto her even though I ask questions back. It could be that I'm just overthinking and there's actually nothing wrong with our conversation aha. 

 

It probably sounds strange but we've known each other for years now and the pandemic and other things have meant we've sort of drifted apart slightly as friends, not talking as frequently etc. but the last quarter of this year we've been chatting a lot more and actually it feels good because before I might have been afraid of the 'friendzone', but it's almost like we're getting to know each other again and yet we know so much already and to me it feels exciting but maybe she doesn't feel it, I'll have to see. I just have to say something sooner rather than later I think, New Year maybe.

Trust me, give her a call. Not everyone is that keen to share stuff over text. A phone calls is much more personal than texting and shows that you're making an effort by taking time out of your day to call her. Plus, hearing someone's voice brings people closer than any form texting. For example, you get to hear excitement in someone's voice. You get to convey emotions through tone.

If she doesn't like phone calls, you could suggest having a video-chat. By doing any of these two, you will stand out from the rest of guys she's currently texting with.

I've got nothing against texting nor email nor DM's, but I find that for some things phone calls and video calls are better suited.

[lately]

On 12/30/2020 at 5:33 PM, lostandhurt said:

Welcome to ENA,

Keep posting as there are always caring people here willing to help.

Hi lostandhurt, thank you so much for your comment, reading it has really helped put things into perspective so thank you 🙂 

 

On 12/30/2020 at 5:33 PM, lostandhurt said:

As I read your words it reminded me of myself in some ways.  Your desire to be in control is rooted in fear.  Like you said you are afraid of saying something stupid or perhaps looking like a fool. Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Do you hold back saying anything for fear of being wrong?

Absolutely yes it's rooted in a fear of anything I do turning into something negative. And yes I am a total perfectionist, sometimes to the point that it is so insanely exhausting. I feel almost upset when things don't go the exact way I want them to or things I do are not the way I envisaged. I do hold back from saying things in case I'm wrong, and that's in regards to every part of life really, the academic/career part of life, as well as the social part.

 

On 12/30/2020 at 5:33 PM, lostandhurt said:

I tried to live up to some unknown bar I had to reach that nobody but myself set so high.

This resonates with me so so much! Anything I do is not good enough to me. It is totally exhausting consistently trying to please myself with things but I'm never happy with it. It's like the past few years I've achieved and done some pretty good stuff and yet I feel not enough. 

 

On 12/30/2020 at 5:33 PM, lostandhurt said:

The thing is I needed to desensitize myself to these fears by over exaggerating my exposure to them.  Perhaps this would work for you as well. 

I think you're right, I don't always give myself the opportunity to be in new situations out of fear and feeling uncomfortable. I like routine very much and the moment my routine is disrupted I become very on edge and anxious. But having said that I feel like my routine is boring at the same time so it's just this cycle of wanting to have a more exciting life and being afraid to change anything out of fear of everything crashing down. But yeah I think you're right I need to force myself out of the cycle and put myself out there.

 

On 12/30/2020 at 7:32 PM, Jibralta said:

"Let's see if it kills me." And I took the first step. It didn't kill me. Neither did the next, or the next, or the next. I survived all the steps.

Exactly, thank you Jibralta I definitely will keep thinking of this.

 

On 12/30/2020 at 8:54 PM, greendots said:

Trust me, give her a call. Not everyone is that keen to share stuff over text. A phone calls is much more personal than texting and shows that you're making an effort by taking time out of your day to call her. Plus, hearing someone's voice brings people closer than any form texting. For example, you get to hear excitement in someone's voice. You get to convey emotions through tone.

Yeah definitely, and now there's a third lockdown here so I think face to face is now not an option unless I waited for months! Definitely going to try and give myself a push with this.