Cindy 1975 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 Hello We are both late 40s and been dating for 2 years. I'm dilemma is he never buys me gifts for any holiday. I'm the opposite always generous. He has no financial issue that would lead him this way. I told him last vday how I felt hurt because at least a card would have been fine but he says hes not into it anymore..even thought he did buy his ex gf gifts like a normal relationship of course she cheated on him..and now I feel I'm getting the short end of the stick..you ask how is the relationship besides this we have no intimacy at all because he has ED and will not go to doc and is content to live with out it. I'm different i have a drive and miss it..but yet I'm faithful all along. So im to the point of being very resentful..and unappreciated please help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 It sounds like the no gifts is the tip of the iceberg. Other than "because I love him" why are you with him? If you won the lottery tomorrow would you stay or go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy 1975 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Share Posted December 25, 2020 I guess because I'm older it's very hard to find someone who has same hobbies. I feel we are more friends then lovers. But i.miss the intimacy a reationship brings. So I'm with someone but feel alone it sucks. I guess I'm scared to be alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, Cindy 1975 said: I guess because I'm older it's very hard to find someone who has same hobbies. I feel we are more friends then lovers. But i.miss the intimacy a reationship brings. So I'm with someone but feel alone it sucks. I guess I'm scared to be alone Yes. it is hard to find someone when you are older. I started dating my husband (second time around) when we were 39. What's the issue with being alone? Do you have friends, do you do volunteer work, activities you enjoy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 What terrifying things do you think will happen if you're "alone"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy 1975 Posted December 26, 2020 Author Share Posted December 26, 2020 Unfortunately I dont have any my coworkers are all youngers with small kids dif lifestyle. So hes the only one I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Cindy 1975 said: Unfortunately I dont have any my coworkers are all youngers with small kids dif lifestyle. So hes the only one I have. Completely untrue -I had to be proactive about my social life and dating and networking in my 30s and I am the same now to make new friends in my newish city -I'm 54 - I put myself out there as best I can -what have you done to put yourself out there in the last 5 years or so?. He's not the only one you have and you don't "have" him anyway, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy 1975 Posted December 26, 2020 Author Share Posted December 26, 2020 Your right I need to get myself out there get a social circle but due to covid it's more difficult then ever.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 Just now, Cindy 1975 said: Your right I need to get myself out there get a social circle but due to covid it's more difficult then ever.. Yes which is why I asked about the last 5 years since you've only been with your boyfriend for two. It is more difficult now for sure. One of my friends -in her 50s -does her volunteer work virtually - used to do it in person. You don't need a "social circle'" necesarily - find volunteer work where you interact with others - friends of mine made tons of friends and found romance volunteering backstage in community theater groups (pre covid) - another married her salsa dancing instructor. My husband's close friend met his wife through craigslist as both wanted a cycling partner. Also alone and lonely are two different things, right? And a person without a romantic partner is not "alone" they're simply "without a romantic partner" or "single". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy 1975 Posted December 26, 2020 Author Share Posted December 26, 2020 Well before him I did on line dating and that was different I work ft and have teenagers still at home so I guess I kept busy doing usually stuff. Your right and I appreciate the advice. So how would I approach him about breaking up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 3 minutes ago, Cindy 1975 said: Well before him I did on line dating and that was different I work ft and have teenagers still at home so I guess I kept busy doing usually stuff. Your right and I appreciate the advice. So how would I approach him about breaking up. I wouldn't approach because he already told you the answer -he doesn't feel like giving you presents. Do you really want him to give you a present out of pity? You can use I statements like "I feel uncared for when you don't even give me a card for a holiday." I didn't know you had kids -that does make it harder to get out there - of course! But then you are not alone. You have a family! Here's your situation now -take it or leave it -settle for the scraps he gives you so you can tell yourself you are not "alone" or end things and use that extra time to be with your children, to read a good book (which is what I did part of the day today), to go for power walks in your neighborhood (which I did this morning at sunrise -I have an 11 year old at home), join a book club (which I did last year but it imploded, not my fault), see if you can be part of a volunteer effort to virtually visit with or call nursing home residents (I did something similar last spring for about 6 weeks while the program lasted). Etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: If you won the lottery tomorrow would you stay or go? This is a really important question to answer, because it's the start of clarification for yourself about WHY you are with him. Once you can figure out WHY you do what you do, you're empowered to address those reasons without lugging around unchallenged beliefs that keep you dependent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 5 hours ago, Cindy 1975 said: We are both late 40s and been dating for 2 years. I'm dilemma is he never buys me gifts for any holiday. we have no intimacy at all because he has ED and will not go to doc . Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Do your kids live at home? How long have you been divorced? The first thing to do is stop overinvesting in this.Stop "being generous". Focus on your friends and family. He may be ok as a friend, but stop trying to have a romantic relationship with someone this cold and checked out. Tell him it's not working and broaden your social life through friends, family, work, interests, hobbies, volunteering, clubs, groups, classes, etc. Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 Please help? You know what the answer is...this relationship doesn't fulfill your expectations...you leave and meet someone who does. You own him nothing, but you do owe it to yourself to find happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy 1975 Posted December 26, 2020 Author Share Posted December 26, 2020 Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I will take all in and make it my New Years Resolution to be done with this and have a fresh start once again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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