Why do I have to choose between my own life and the love of my life.. it`s just wrong.

[4dvz]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not that you're "recognized."

It's that many posters will often do a simple check on your posting history to understand the context before responding. A lot people post only half the story to tailor the responses they get, forgetting it takes about 3 seconds to see the threads they've posted before. That's all. 

In any case, the relationship you have and the relationship you want are not in the same realm at all. You're clearly unhappy and unsatisfied. Just as you are who you are, she is who she is. Wants and needs can change over time. Yours and hers are now totally incompatible for a mutually-fulfilling, happy and healthy long-term relationship. Bemoaning what she promised you and how she evidently doesn't want those things now is futile. Evidence of that is in your past threads and this one: nothing has improved, and you're still not happy. 

You can either accept that this is way it will be and stop complaining, or do the mature thing and re-evaluate whether this relationship has run its course. 

 

 

Yes you are correct when you say i would need to re-evaluate the situation and forgotting the broken promises of joy and happiness. Thats what im trying to do all the time, but i just cant turn off the love i have for her. It makes all the problems seem like they would not matter at all. 
 

i dont remember half the stuff i have posted here really, and cant think about them while making a new one. This is not some book im trying to write. Those earlier posts are what i felt and experienced on the given time.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, 4dvz said:

Yes you are correct when you say i would need to re-evaluate the situation and forgotting the broken promises of joy and happiness.

I meant promises to provide you with on-tap sex, which seems to be what you want. 

You are not getting anywhere by lamenting how unhappy you are while you choose to stay with someone who is so different from the sort of woman you are seeking. Relationships can change over time. Since yours has not proceeded in the direction you want, you have be more mature and ask yourself what you get out of positioning yourself as the wronged party. 

You aren't a victim, but a volunteer. You can opt out if you're this miserable, OP. 

[Andrina]

I have always had problems in this field in long term relationships I'm not saying you do have a problem, but there is a possibility you're hyper focused on sex without a healthy balance of other things in your life, and maybe the woman begins to feel uncomfortable with that part of the relationship. Since this pattern is repeated in your life, and you're the common denominator, I'd probably go to a therapist to either rule it out or to diagnose an issue that could pint to sexual addiction or something else.

Some people are comfortable with their partner having opposite sex friends and others are not. It was your mistake to continue on with her as soon as you saw your relationship boundaries didn't match. A person has the right to be who they are without changing, and you have the right to walk away if it's too upsetting for you.

On one hand you say breaking up is not an option. On the other hand, you say your soul is being eaten away. The right partner never eats away at your soul, so either admit you're choosing to stay with the wrong partner or break up to find the right one. I'd still suggest therapy to get insight on you so you can possibly break the faulty relationship pattern that's plagued you.

[Hollyj]

I am sorry that you have been cheated on, as it is devastating.  I don’t think it is fair for you to carry over your mistrust into other relationships.  It is not for her to make you feel secure, but you.  I strongly suggest therapy.  Restricting her from friends and patrolling her phone would not prevent her from cheating,  in fact the insecurities and control push one away. 
 

I do not think you are compatible as she is not on the same level sexually.  You will become more resentful and either push her away or cheat to make up for lack of sex due to frustration.  

[catfeeder]

Recognizing incompatibles doesn't make anyone a villain. We each must decide what we're willing to trade off in favor of something else. So if we opt to trade multiple partners and kink for monogamy with someone who is sexually incompatible, that's not victimization--it's a deliberate decision.

Have you considered offering to attend couples counseling for help in mediating the friendship issues? If you put it on the table that way, it shows her what's in it for her--even while you can use it to address the sexual issues as well. I just wouldn't present it that way, or she's likely to view it as an attempt to change her rather than an attempt to become a better partner for her.

[maritalbliss86]

On 12/24/2020 at 11:50 AM, 4dvz said:

Thank you for this. It made me think a lot. I have always felt in the relationships ive had that i need to sacrifice something in the name of love. In the name of love makes it logical and reasonable, because love is more important than those things that you sacrifice and without that sacrifice love to your partner would suffer. I cant break this circle of sacrificing, I do it even now and explain it just by those words to myself. 

I think you have to decide for yourself things that are what most people call, "dealbreakers," and then have the courage to stick to them.

I don't see a problem with expecting a better sex life.  For us, once a week would mean one of us didn't like each other and it would negatively affect us... both of us need it almost daily, and we're really happy with that.  Everyone is different though, but you can probably find a woman who wants what you want, you'd just have to screen for it.

I admit though, screening for sexual preferences sounds insanely hard ... you could risk coming across as a creep, BUT you could also gain someone you mesh with much better than this girl.

There's some things you can sacrifice, but sacrificing things that will break your bond overtime, like sex and the amount of it, (unless it's being worked on in counseling) doesn't make sense.  

And you may need to accept that even WITH counseling, she just may not enjoy sex in general.  She may have been putting on an act to get you to be more committed in the beginning.  So you may want to prepare yourself to exit this (have a Plan B in the back of your mind) if counseling doesn't help her.

Usually if a person is drinking a ton almost daily, to the point of passing out on the floor, there are some psychological issues she's trying to push down.  I know you say that doesn't bother you, but it's an issue that is affecting her. 

Some women cannot have sex unless they're drunk, usually due to past sexual abuse in childhood or something.  I don't know, but it sounds like more is going on with her, mentally, and THAT is what is preventing a good, strong, healthy relationship.  She's pulled back from being fully committed... getting drunk and passing out all the time is an avoidance technique so she doesn't have to be in a proper relationship with you.  

[maritalbliss86]

Also, talking with lots of men she knows are probably sexually attracted to her (even if she's not sexually attracted to them), is safer than bonding with you in that way.  (Assuming she's talking to them more than you).

With the men on her phone taking up her time, she doesn't have to, "deal," with the real issues in her life and with her REAL partner (you) and the problems you both have.  It's an avoidance technique.

Those men are safe to talk with because she's not expected to have sex with them regularly (and willingly), and they don't expect her to not get drunk on their floor every night... they probably don't hold her to the same standards you want, so she's using them as a  comfortable way to tell herself she's a normal person (See? She has all these friends right?) and that you're the problem in her life.

In reality, she's getting drunk and passing out regularly (not normal, and if those men were in a relationship with her, I highly doubt they'd put up with that nonsense).

I'd see it differently if she had a normal level of contact with her friends... but it sounds like they're buzzing her phone all the time, cutting into your relationship time together, and that she has zero boundaries with them.