Mom Feels Trapped With Her Psychotic Husband, Advice?

[RitaTrue]

TL/DR: My mom's husband is verbally abusive, psychotic, and lives a double life sexually. She's afraid to kick him out because she's afraid he'll burn her house down.

My mom lived with this man for 2-3 years, and they married in 2018.  A year into the marriage, she found evidence that he was cheating on her with men, and that sometimes when he's "working late", he's actually cross-dressing and meeting his lovers out of town.  In public, her husband comes off as macho but that is a façade.  My mom believes he married her for appearance's sake.  He's a compulsive liar, and even when my mom addresses his affairs, he'll either dismiss her or blatantly lie. 

On top of this, my stepdad is mentally unstable. We both believe he's dangerous, and he's also verbally abusive to my mom.  For example, he's said that he doesn't care if either of us are killed off, or if he has to kill my mom to get ahead financially. Yes, he's serious.  In addition, when there's male family members around, he likes to talk about "women he wants to have sex with" and what he'd do to them.  It's part of his facade and it's comedy to him. My mom has heard his abuse so much, she's become numb.

She doesn't kick him out because she's afraid that he'll bomb her home.  He is an ex-felon and did time for bombing federal property, years ago. We also believe he may turn physically violent. 

My mom is aware that she needs to make a plan of action. But from the time she found out about his affairs last year, til now, she hasn't actually done anything, in my opinion. At best, she's been able to pay off some of her debt with the rent money, but that's it.  This inaction may be partially due to covid, yes, but even before covid, she said her plan was to make more money by creating youtube content. That has yet to happen.  She also does small things on her online business, but doesn't make profit. It's more like a hobby.  She's admitted that she doesn't really want to work, since she's retired. I honestly feel she's overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do.  She feels shame about this and refuses to share this anyone.  The only reason I know, is because I live with them while going to school, and we both found out about his affairs together.  I honestly feel like Alice in Wonderland with all this dysfunction, and will take any advice I can get.

[kalikat]

This is an "all hands on deck" situation. Yes - your mom is overwhelmed. And possibly  in shock. Both of which can cause someone to freeze instead of act.

I had my own hideous marriage once upon a time. So I'm speaking from experience.

These are my thoughts: Yes she needs to get out of this situation asap BUT she needs to do it very carefully. He can't know what's coming.

Any plans she makes for her exit strategy must be done away from the house (my psycho-ex had hidden cameras in every room). She (or you) need to maybe contact his previous parole officer to see if they can help at all.

Contact a women's shelter in the area, legal aid offices in your city, anywhere that may be able to help or offer free services.

File a restraining order against him. In my situation, my ex stayed in my house (that I had bought on my own) and refused to leave. The Marshall's office showed up with the restraining order at 6AM one day and escorted him off the property. I also alerted all the neighbors of what was happening, and they were great in keeping an eye out in case he decided to show up. They had the Case number on the order so they could call police directly and make him leave the area.

More than anything, she needs to be ready to go at a moments notice.  Tell him she is going to go on a road trip with you for a couple of days (or something like that). If she is shell shocked, she will need you or someone to help her move her feet.

First and foremost, get her to a safe location that is unknown to him. Feel free to Pm me if you need to talk about any of this.

It is a horrible thing to go through.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Do you still live with your mother?

Does she have financial problems? She's retired so is she getting retirement/social security income?

Where are your father and siblings? All you can do is call the police if he threatens to bomb or burn down the house. As far as cheating, not much you personally can do.

If you or mother is in danger file a police report and get a restraining order.