Feeling like I'm unlovable and blaming myself after breakup?

[Jibralta]

27 minutes ago, heartslament said:

I'm a bit worried because I'm slipping back into the "false hope" and "romanticizing/idealizing" stage.

It's normal to go back and forth with your feelings like this. It's got nothing to do with your progress, believe it or not. 

And you seem to have a good handle on the situation, believe it or not. You are aware of what is going on in your head, and able to describe it, able to identify it for what it is, despite the aggravation it is causing you. That is good.

30 minutes ago, heartslament said:

I wonder if there is, miraculously, another guy out there with all these qualities and more?

Oh definitely. Good guys are out there. Nothing miraculous about it. 

[heartslament]

27 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Yes there are other guys out there like what you've described. And some even better than this guy. This guy wasn't as great as your mind is making him out to be.

He wasn't nice to you all the time, he was deceitful, he told you very cruel things like "might as well dump you at your lowest point?"<<< what the heck is that all about? That's not nice to think, never mind tell someone!!

Then he runs to another girl in such a short period of time. 

I really do wonder how loyal this guy is and how much he actually does lie.

You're creating a fantasy of who he was, but in truth, he had very bad parts to him as well and he could be very hurtful and was very hurtful.

It's possible to meet someone every bit as "cute" as this guy and someone as well who won't lie to you, who will be good to you and won't be so mean with you. 

There are a billion people in this world, this guy is only a lesser version of what you need. You haven't met the better version yet.

Oh, hi again, dear! ❤️ Yeah, you are probably right. I thought I was done having him on a pedestal and looking at him through rose-colored glasses, but I guess I'm still doing that. 

He was pretty unkind when he was in a bad mood. And he was deceitful. And that was extremely cruel that he said that, I agree. He could have kept that thought to himself... even if he was trying to push me away by saying that, it was still very abhorrent. And the way he ran to the other girl quicker than a snap makes me feel like he didn't value me or our relationship very much at all. Maybe I've been painting him to be the "good guy" and me to be the "villain" still because his (valid) criticisms of me are still getting to me. But even though I was controlling/manipulative, way too needy, and initiated lots of fights, that doesn't excuse his bad actions or make me more deserving of them. And... I don't want to sound like I'm blaming him, but I feel like he brought out the worst in me. I may be a very insecure gal, but I also believe that his emotional unavailability and refusal to comfort and reassure me like a decent boyfriend would made me extra "on edge" and easy to trigger. 

Deep down, I feel like I deserve a guy with all (or at least a lot of) the good qualities he had but also will stick by me and try to work things out. And chances are, I won't find a guy who has all his good traits... but that's okay, because he'll be a wonderfully different combination. I dunno why but I just thought of smoothie flavors, like at Jamba Juice. ^u^ Even though I'm really attached to my ex's flavor, say, Strawberry Banana... I will discover and love other flavors on the menu (other guys) like Piña Colada flavor or Watermelon Breeze. :'D I used to be very attached to certain smoothie flavors before but over time my taste has changed! I actually really like that metaphor I made up, hehe. 

But anywho, yes! He was terribly hurtful to me and I agree that he was a lesser version of the guy who I do need. I need to continue reminding myself that I felt like I was settling for him the whole time I was with him. I missed the belly butterflies my crushes gave me. I don't think I ever even had a crush on him... I just fell in love with his potential. 😞 Thank you for helping me to see things for what they truly are, again. I really appreciate you.

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It's normal to go back and forth with your feelings like this. It's got nothing to do with your progress, believe it or not. 

And you seem to have a good handle on the situation, believe it or not. You are aware of what is going on in your head, and able to describe it, able to identify it for what it is, despite the aggravation it is causing you. That is good.

Oh definitely. Good guys are out there. Nothing miraculous about it. 

I'm so glad you think so! :'D I've been feeling like I'm going crazy! And wow, really? I guess when you put it that way, I am pretty well-aware of what's going on in my head and I'm able to articulate my thoughts properly. I'm glad also that you believe in good guys being out there, phew. It's scary when people say those all-encompassing statements like "Every man is trash" and stuff, as even though I don't fully believe that, it makes it seem like there are a lot of guys out there who are bad. 😕 But I just need to keep holding onto hope and also be careful before I get into another relationship, whenever that may be. I'm going to be much more selective and pay attention to my gut feeling more. I appreciate you! ❤️ 

[Wiseman2]

Yes. Talk to your therapist frankly about your family, moods, concerns and that there's covid in your household.

You also need to accept that he was too young for what you wanted and too young for the type of dependency you had on him.

When you are feeling better and your mother is better, consider dating more mature boys in the New year, but don't try to make them responsible for family problems or mental health issues.

That's what your therapist is for.

[heartslament]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Talk to your therapist frankly about your family, moods, concerns and that there's covid in your household.

You also need to accept that he was too young for what you wanted and too young for the type of dependency you had on him.

When you are feeling better and your mother is better, consider dating more mature boys in the New year, but don't try to make them responsible for family problems or mental health issues.

That's what your therapist is for.

I definitely will! 🙂 Thank you! 

You think so? Yeah... he initially seemed very mature for his age (he actually looked like he was older than me, even though I knew his age because it was displayed on the dating app, heh) but he seems to be fairly immature compared to what I need in a partner. Though, I'm not really one to talk. I'm immature too. ^_^;; 

I'm actually planning on focusing on myself for the foreseeable future! I want to create a stable and steady foundation so that I finally love myself and won't ever depend so heavily on anyone else again. Even though there's something kind of sweet about being vulnerable enough to be dependent and lean on your romantic partner, if it's too much, then it'll become way too heavy a weight for them. That's not fair for me to do that to anyone. And I do feel like sometimes I treated him like a therapist... he even told me a few times, "I'm your boyfriend; I'm not your therapist." It's nice to be able to talk to your partner about things that bother you, but when that becomes a big thing and you don't have many happy and light-hearted times anymore, it's a problem. 

I'm glad I'm able to reflect on my issues and see what I need to work on fairly clearly. And I'm glad you guys are helping offer insight on the situation too. Thank you for your continued support and adding your thoughts. I appreciate you!

[SherrySher]

You're processing the loss, mourning as well as processing. Everything you're going through is normal.

It can be tough to think back on an ex and know that there are some really good part to that person...if only the bad parts weren't there too. 😕

It sounds like you've thought everything through and even parts that you want to improve in yourself.

You're doing a lot better than you think you are!

[heartslament]

7 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You're processing the loss, mourning as well as processing. Everything you're going through is normal.

It can be tough to think back on an ex and know that there are some really good part to that person...if only the bad parts weren't there too. 😕

It sounds like you've thought everything through and even parts that you want to improve in yourself.

You're doing a lot better than you think you are!

It's relieving to hear that what I'm going through is normal. 🙂

Yeah, especially as a pretty big perfectionist and idealist, it downright sucks that the bad parts are as bad as they are. I know they could be worse, but he did hurt me quite a lot, and I hurt him too. It's just so unfortunate. But... as my first relationship, and as his longest relationship, I'd say we did the best we could. 

I've tried to think everything through. I am glad I have the insight to see what I need to improve. 

Thanks! ❤️ 

[SherrySher]

Each relationship you have, will teach you different lessons. Those lessons can help you and improve things for you through experience.

I think every relationship has something to teach us, even if it's to show us what we don't want or to strengthen us for enduring a more rocky relationship.

There are also people in your lifetime where some will last a lifetime, some are only meant for a season, and that's okay.

Not everyone is meant to be permanent. In fact, most aren't, (that includes friends as well as acquaintances). 

Dating in particular, lots of people have been raised to view it as a fairytale type of scenario. You meet a handsome prince, you and he fall madly in love and live together forever and ever.

But that's just not reality.

It's difficult to say when your permanent partner will come along. Some meet them in school and it's their 1st boyfriend, some don't meet them until later in life.

But each time you date (even in marriages), although that person will bring you happiness, there will be hard times too and lessons. Sometimes it will work great, other times not so much.

Do the best you can to be the best version of yourself and continually grow and work on yourself. Eventually with any luck, you will meet the man who is most compatible with you.

 

[heartslament]

18 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Each relationship you have, will teach you different lessons. Those lessons can help you and improve things for you through experience.

I think every relationship has something to teach us, even if it's to show us what we don't want or to strengthen us for enduring a more rocky relationship.

There are also people in your lifetime where some will last a lifetime, some are only meant for a season, and that's okay.

Not everyone is meant to be permanent. In fact, most aren't, (that includes friends as well as acquaintances). 

Dating in particular, lots of people have been raised to view it as a fairytale type of scenario. You meet a handsome prince, you and he fall madly in love and live together forever and ever.

But that's just not reality.

It's difficult to say when your permanent partner will come along. Some meet them in school and it's their 1st boyfriend, some don't meet them until later in life.

But each time you date (even in marriages), although that person will bring you happiness, there will be hard times too and lessons. Sometimes it will work great, other times not so much.

Do the best you can to be the best version of yourself and continually grow and work on yourself. Eventually with any luck, you will meet the man who is most compatible with you.

 

Yeah, that is true... I did learn a lot from our relationship. Tonight I am spiraling again, especially because I wasn't actually able to do the phone session with my therapist due to my cough being so bad... I woke up feeling fine, even happy about him being out of my life, but then I started to remember how I gave him my first "intimate time" which I was saving for someone deserving of it and special who I thought I'd be with long-term, and I feel so regretful. And I am also feeling very pained because he got to know me and talk with me more than anyone else in my entire life, and now he's happy just kicking me out of his life like he doesn't know me at all anymore. And just knowing that he's out there with that new girl who he just barely met, giving her all the sweet messages and cuddles and kisses he'd give me... I hate it so much. I know I won't miss feeling like I'm with a man who will never commit, and who I know still has feelings for the girl in his hometown. I know I won't miss feeling like my partner is so wishy-washy and makes me feel so unwanted and unlovable, and like I care way more about him than he does about me. But my selfish, idealistic and perfectionistic side can't help but think... things aren't supposed to be this way. Things were supposed to work out between us, and this was supposed to be like a fairytale romance.

It is true though that I was definitely not the best version of myself in our relationship. I feel like I devolved, really. Sure, he made me feel more attractive because I was with someone, but other than that, I let my entire identity become "His Girlfriend." I lost myself. I need to get myself back, somehow.

Sorry for the little unrelated ramble. I'm just at a loss tonight. 

[SherrySher]

You're still going through the mourning stages of the loss. It's natural. 

I'm not sure any relationship is a fairytale romance. I mean, we're all human beings, we all made mistakes. And because of that, nothing is ever perfect.

Even the most happiest of marriages, take work and go through both difficult and happy times.

This isn't the end though, you will find love again in the future. And hopefully next time, it will be much better then how this went.

As for your ex and this new girl, it might not end up like you're picturing it will. He might end up treating her the same way and she will end up feeling like you do right now.

It doesn't sound like he's a very good partner or knows how to treat women properly, he can be very hurtful when he wants to be.

That's not going to magically change just because he's with someone else. 

[heartslament]

7 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You're still going through the mourning stages of the loss. It's natural. 

I'm not sure any relationship is a fairytale romance. I mean, we're all human beings, we all made mistakes. And because of that, nothing is ever perfect.

Even the most happiest of marriages, take work and go through both difficult and happy times.

This isn't the end though, you will find love again in the future. And hopefully next time, it will be much better then how this went.

As for your ex and this new girl, it might not end up like you're picturing it will. He might end up treating her the same way and she will end up feeling like you do right now.

It doesn't sound like he's a very good partner or knows how to treat women properly, he can be very hurtful when he wants to be.

That's not going to magically change just because he's with someone else. 

Thank you for your reassurance again. ❤️

That's very true. I guess what matters is if the partner believes you are worth sticking by no matter how rough the times get. If they treat you like you're disposable/replaceable then they aren't worth it. 

I sure hope I will find love again. Yeah...

You're right about that. Now that I think about it, he hasn't had much time to recuperate and reflect on what went wrong in our relationship, and even though he said in the past that he's had a good amount of time to move on (because he's the one who distanced himself from me before deciding to end it), maybe it hasn't fully hit him. Maybe if it does hit him later he'll start to also suffer from waves of emotions. At the very least, he'll bring the same issues to the new relationship that he brought to our relationship. As I said before, he stated that he's only been in toxic relationships before. So he isn't very knowledgeable about what a healthy relationship looks like. (Though, I'm not either... but still.) 

Yeah. I just need to remember he's quite immature even though he puts on this mature and wise mask. And he is very hurtful and cruel sometimes. 

Thanks again. I feel more calm now. I'll remember these points that you brought up when I get freaked out again. 🙂 

[SherrySher]

16 minutes ago, heartslament said:

That's very true. I guess what matters is if the partner believes you are worth sticking by no matter how rough the times get. If they treat you like you're disposable/replaceable then they aren't worth it. 

Absolutely. Find someone who loves you when times are happy and when you're not feeling very lovable. Find someone who is willing to accept all of you, both the good and not so good parts. (we all have them!). A man who will tell you in your worst times, that he won't leave your side, not say something cruel and stupid like.."I'll dump you now because you're at your lowest point anyway".<<<honestly, that really bothers me. That says nothing at all about you..okay? He is the one who has this kind of cruelty inside of him. And he will treat anyone this way depending on the circumstances. I really do find it offensive that he said that and that alone, makes me feel that he does not deserve any woman. You don't treat people this way, especially when they are at their lowest.

I honestly feel you dodged a bullet getting away from this guy.

16 minutes ago, heartslament said:

At the very least, he'll bring the same issues to the new relationship that he brought to our relationship.

Again, absolutely. He seems to like to place all blame on your head, but it's not the truth. If you felt insecure, or unhappy, or unsure of his love...believe you me, he had a part in that. If the was treating you properly, you wouldn't have had a reason to doubt how he felt.

I think a lot of times, women end up blaming themselves. They judge themselves, and criticize themselves in relationships. They label themselves insecure, or needy, or moody. They take on the guilt, rather than to see that maybe it's the man they were with.

If you were feeling those things, he might have not been giving you the love and attention you needed, in order to not feel those things.

Don't get me wrong, it's possible you still need to work on those things within yourself too. But don't blame yourself completely, when a lot of the time, it really is down to being with the wrong man and not being loved like you need and deserve.

And yes, if he made you feel this way, and he jumps straight into another relationship, he will most definitely carry all the same issues and downfalls as he did with you. 

I know you are seeing the good sides of him while you mourn, but from an outsiders perspective, he's not the best partner and despite his good sides, he is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. He can treat people very badly when he wants to.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, heartslament said:

 I wasn't actually able to do the phone session with my therapist due to my cough

I started to remember how I gave him my first "intimate time" which I was saving for someone deserving 

Unfortunately you will need to see a doctor. MD.

Your moods and ruminating are too severe for phone talks.

You'll need to be evaluated by a physician,with whom you can be honest about your protracted distress.

You also need a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy challenges these cognative distortions such as "savings it for someone" and your false beliefs that he was the key to your happiness and unhappiness. 

Your happiness and unhappiness is your responsibility. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will also help you replace self-defeating behaviors with productive behaviors.

A forum is not a substitute for the medical and psychological help you need.

In fact it may be counter productive to keep ruminating helplessly and furthering a hopeless helpless victim mentality.

Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, and when you are willing to help yourself and talk to a qualified therapist, you can go over them.

 

[SherrySher]

Although I appreciate your viewpoint Wiseman, I disagree.

I think this young lady is doing quite well despite. She is opening up and talking about things. She missed her appointment due to a cough.

As for happiness and unhappiness, you're dismissing completely how someone might feel terrible due to terrible treatment and a failed relationship.

Not too many people are going to feel happy after going through that.

This guy as well did have a part in not treating her well. She may not be a "victim", per se, but she most certainly has valid feelings concerning how she was treated and how her ex decided to end things.

Again, I think most would have found it harsh.

Heartache can be tough at a younger age. Heck, it can be tough at an older age. Time and healing with help loads.

[Jibralta]

On 12/23/2020 at 5:21 AM, SherrySher said:

I think this young lady is doing quite well despite. She is opening up and talking about things.

Yes, I think she is just articulating feelings as they come. I do it too, when I am distraught. Helps me get it all out. When I do it, I am totally aware of my unhealthy thought patterns. I write them down so that I can see them, so that they don't hide under shame. I think that's sort of what HeartsLament is doing, too. It can trigger people, I know. But it's really just stream of consciousness.