MIL insisting we get together during covid for Christmas. I'm pregnant and high risk.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, liz22 said:

.  She said "I'll make it easy on you, I will just drop of the gifts and leave.  Maybe we can have a better christmas next year".

She then came down the next day, plopped a gift bag down in front of us in the garage and said "there you go".  

Glad it worked out well and she did precisely what you wanted, as far as distancing.

Oddly, even though she did exactly what you asked for and wanted, your description of it is quite contemptuous.

It's best, even if you dislike someone, not to continually put them in a damn-if-you-do-damned-if-don't situation.

Don't post publically on social media, if you think it's sensitive content.

Let your husband deal with her. Stop sending her mixed messages. Then grumbling to your husband about her.

Unfortunately she's going to be in his life and therefore yours.

When the grandchild comes, you'll have to figure out how to step away from the rancor and be fair to your husband's family.

[liz22]

6 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I know it may be difficult right now to see or even understand, but try to see that she is coming from a place of being hurt and not that she is being awful.

Don't get me wrong, I can see that she can be a difficult woman. But I also see a woman who is no doubt quite insecure and has had her feelings hurt quite a lot.

No, it still doesn't make it right, however if you can view it with kindness, it might help you to not feel so bitter too.

As for the baby announcement, she sounds excited at least over her grandchild. Yes, maybe too excited and was wanting to somewhat steal your thunder, BUT, at least she is really happy and proud of her grandbaby that's not here yet.

Much better than a grandmother who couldn't care less, right?

 

That’s the odd thing is that she has not shown any excitement about the pregnancy.  I overheard her asking my husband on the phone “what’s going on with all this baby shit?”.  She eventually congratulated me by saying “ I heard I need to congratulate you”.   I honestly feel that her need to announce it is about attention.  She posts humble brags all day on facebook.  I don’t know....

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, liz22 said:

That’s the odd thing is that she has not shown any excitement about the pregnancy.  I overheard her asking my husband on the phone “what’s going on with all this baby shit?”.  She eventually congratulated me by saying “ I heard I need to congratulate you”.   I honestly feel that her need to announce it is about attention.  She posts humble brags all day on facebook.  I don’t know....

I think you're focusing too much about how she acts on social media and putting too much emphasis on that.  I understand it seems to have become a "thing" to announce pregnancies, etc on Facebook the way news is posted on a news site but she is of a different generation (I am 54, didn't have a cell phone till I was in my last trimester of pregnancy when I was 42, made no announcements on Facebook ever even though I've had a facebook since 2008 other than I think my son's first day of preschool, 8 years ago) - so given that she may be too over the top and too under the top on social media -she's finding her way.  Please don't read into it.

 

It never occurred to me to make any kind of public announcement of my pregnancy or to want to be congratulated in any broad way akin to social media (also because I didn't want to jinx it -I wish pregnant friends "best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy" and reserve congratulations for after the birth) - so just keep in mind people have all sorts of different reactions to how to express reactions on social media in typed words.  She's also feeling put off -right or not -by the whole Christmas thing.  You absolutely did the right thing but I can see where she had a tough time handling it

Best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy!!!  I'm glad you enjoyed how you announced it!!

[Seraphim]

Have you both always had a resentful relationship?

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Have you both always had a resentful relationship?

Good question. You don't have to like her or overshare anything with her, all you have to do respect that she's your husband's family.

Keep it simple and bury the hatchet. Be neutral and let your husband deal with her. Ongoing feuds aren't good for your wellbeing.

[Hollyj]

What does your husband say about  her behavior?

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep it simple and bury the hatchet. Be neutral and let your husband deal with her. Ongoing feuds aren't good for your wellbeing.

My thoughts exactly. Try your best to keep things neutral and no upsets. I know it's not easy with your mother in law's personality, but it would be best for everyone if there is little to no fighting.

Unfortunately, at this point you'll have to be the peacekeeper as your mother in law is a bit more "dramatic".

[liz22]

 

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Have you both always had a resentful relationship?

No, not until our wedding.  She did a lot of shady things and was manipulative and showed her true colors to me.  She maybe never liked me.  I don't know.  Unfortunately I lost trust in her and her motives so I feel like a have to be on guard so she dosen't pull something else on me (because it happens often).  She tends to make a pleasant or happy event, and turn it into drama that no one can enjoy.  

[liz22]

2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

What does your husband say about  her behavior?

He will not put up with it if it is obviously bad.  In that past (many years ago) he put his foot down and did not speak to her for a while and she did not speak to him.  Recently though, she has figured out a game to have him in her grasp.  She started giving and buying him things......to a great degree.  Now it's......."you want to disagree with your mother or say "no""...."I bought you that thing 3 months ago and this is how you treat your mother".  She always refers to herself in the 3rd person.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, liz22 said:

 

No, not until our wedding.  She did a lot of shady things and was manipulative and showed her true colors to me.  She maybe never liked me.  I don't know.  Unfortunately I lost trust in her and her motives so I feel like a have to be on guard so she dosen't pull something else on me (because it happens often).  She tends to make a pleasant or happy event, and turn it into drama that no one can enjoy.  

I get you I do, my MIL and my husband’s entire family has been this way for 32 years with me. However, they ARE your husband’s parents and your child’s grandparents. Try to remain polite because it affects more than just you now. 

[tattoobunnie]

I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL in 9+ years.  And after a few years, my hubs has finally identified how she manipulates situations to get a response, and to stop enabling her behavior.  I wouldn't go to this extreme unless she has made threats against you, like mine has.  Along with years of stalking. Either way, people don't change, and nasty people excuse their behavior over anything they can think of.  Right now, it's about what is best for your kid - protect your kid - kid is number one.  Whether it's saying "No," and "No," or "No."

Congrats on the baby!!! 2021 will be a wonderful year - hopefully much less COVID-y.  But if it still is, hop onto mom forums and get support with each other.   Good luck!

[maritalbliss86]

56 minutes ago, liz22 said:

He will not put up with it if it is obviously bad.  In that past (many years ago) he put his foot down and did not speak to her for a while and she did not speak to him.  Recently though, she has figured out a game to have him in her grasp.  She started giving and buying him things......to a great degree.  Now it's......."you want to disagree with your mother or say "no""...."I bought you that thing 3 months ago and this is how you treat your mother".  She always refers to herself in the 3rd person.

LOL that is just so classic!  

I think if you research narcissism you'll see they tend to buy big gifts like that.  It's the norm for them so that they can use those gifts later on as guilt tripping mechanisms.

The easiest thing to do is see that for what it is, and say no to gifts that make you feel uncomfortable.

They are given with strings attached.  And some people even see that as being in some kind of strange spiritual way... like the guilt trip ends up usually working because there's some kind of pull that makes you feel if you accept it, then you accept the consequences of that decision, too (being indebted to this woman).  

When you're indebted to someone, they have a certain level of power over you.  Just food for thought. 

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, liz22 said:

He will not put up with it if it is obviously bad.  In that past (many years ago) he put his foot down and did not speak to her for a while and she did not speak to him.  Recently though, she has figured out a game to have him in her grasp.  She started giving and buying him things......to a great degree.  Now it's......."you want to disagree with your mother or say "no""...."I bought you that thing 3 months ago and this is how you treat your mother".  She always refers to herself in the 3rd person.

Maybe he should taking gifts if she is going to guilt-trip him.

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I get you I do, my MIL and my husband’s entire family has been this way for 32 years with me. However, they ARE your husband’s parents and your child’s grandparents. Try to remain polite because it affects more than just you now. 

That sounds miserable .

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

That sounds miserable .

It would be more miserable to be divorced. My husband is never going to ditch his family so I would have to divorce him and that’s not something I’m willing to do for people I see every few months.