My girlfriend is not sure about our future together

[greendots]

7 hours ago, drdre said:

I think she accepts the biggest part of me but the things I described above are relationship issues. The negative points are according to her. I really struggle much to accept that I should not be watching murder investigations because it is a negative thing and will be bad for me on an subconscious level. Or Dr. Pol the vet, or "stupid" sitcom or whatever.

I feel we are not one whole thing, like she is putting on the brakes and wants to have some "insurance" in case things don't work out. I can't deny she is (or was) willing to work on our relationship and tried different things (book, counseling, being more flexible, etc.).

I am somehow pessimistic in that respect. I do want to find such a person but I am progressively disheartened and I am not very young. I guess self-confidence also plays a role here.

Please see my previous post about these groups of people. This matter is not important to me at all, I just want her to not try to make me accept everybody (which she doesn't do). I may share her point of view in the future but I want to be because I've come to this conclusion.

I've read your previous post about these groups of people. You say they are minority - are you referring to gender identity or race? What makes them different? I'm trying to understand where you are coming from. No judgement from me, I promise.

From what you describe, I feel that the content on "murder investigations" seem to clash with your girlfriend's values and therefore she may view these type of shows as negative.

So, I will ask you this: what are your values? What are her values? Do yours and hers align? In other words, if you were to make a list of what's most important to you and she made a list of what's most important to her - how would it look like and would they match on some level?

E.g. "Family time" is important. So, how does family time look like to you and her? To some peeps "family time" means, visiting parents on important days only and calling them once a month. To others, family time actually means spending quality time with your parents once a week and calling them at least twice a month if not more.

Hoping I'm making sense to you and the above helps you. 🙂

[drdre]

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Based on what I've read, it's my opinion. Since I don't know you, it's ultimately a speculation--as any opinion is under these circumstances.

It can be. There was a period of my life where my empathy was very low, but I made a concerted effort to increase it. 

I just googled it and there are some articles out there if you're interested. Here's one:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/201701/6-things-you-need-know-about-empathy

Thanks! I will follow the link for some tips. I guess I am not purely unempathetic, but I don't know what the "treshold" for that thing is. My gf is occasionally surprised that while I am "the hater" in our relationship, I do completely opposite things sometimes.

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think so. From a social standpoint, I think the more we make an effort to understand the perspective of other people, the better off we all are. But even from a completely self-centered viewpoint, I think it is better. I've learned that people tend to respond from a more emotional level than a rational one. You get more done when the people you are dealing with feel understood and appreciated. They tend to fight you at every turn when the opposite is true.

Makes sense. I guess we are all some emotional machines. I recently read a Mark Manson book in which he argued that if our mind was a car and there were two travellers in it (so-called "Feeling Brain" and "Thinking Brain"), the classic assumption was that the Thinking Brain was the driver while the other one was in the passenger seat shouting where it wanted to go. I liked his idea of things being reversed - the Feeling Brain driving our Consciousness Car because we were ultimately moved to action by emotion and action was emotion.

[drdre]

2 hours ago, greendots said:

I've read your previous post about these groups of people. You say they are minority - are you referring to gender identity or race? What makes them different? I'm trying to understand where you are coming from. No judgement from me, I promise.

They are an ethnic group without own country living in ghettos and totally refusing to integrate in society. Stealing, killing, without any education or job, living on social benefits, absolutely primitive, etc. Most of my compatriots outright hate them.

2 hours ago, greendots said:

From what you describe, I feel that the content on "murder investigations" seem to clash with your girlfriend's values and therefore she may view these type of shows as negative.

I am not sure that I totally understand the concept of values, but what I think about her is that she tries to completely eliminate all negative sources in her life. I don't say that one should focus on the negative but thinking that there is life with just positive experiences seems a fallacy to me. She is not only against "murder investigations". She opposes, for example, me watching The Incredible Dr. Pol because there is a negativity in it - pets surgeries and diseases which is upsetting to her and makes her sad while I focus on the outcome and really enjoy the resolution of animals being helped and cured (I love animals). Another thing she doesn't like is me watching a popular sitcom because ot its humour type and she says she doesn't want to become stupid by waching it. According to her watching it will make you stupid and you have to concentrate on better quality content which I don't agree to at all. I think of myself as an educated and intelligent person that can afford the luxury of watching stupid sitcoms while genuinely enjoying them.

2 hours ago, greendots said:

So, I will ask you this: what are your values? What are her values? Do yours and hers align? In other words, if you were to make a list of what's most important to you and she made a list of what's most important to her - how would it look like and would they match on some level?

I am in a great difficulty to answer that. I haven't consciously thought about it. I remember that we made a list of positive and negative things of the partner some time ago but I don't think we've made a list with values. This is a good idea and I can try to do it if we stay together.

2 hours ago, greendots said:

E.g. "Family time" is important. So, how does family time look like to you and her? To some peeps "family time" means, visiting parents on important days only and calling them once a month. To others, family time actually means spending quality time with your parents once a week and calling them at least twice a month if not more.

Hoping I'm making sense to you and the above helps you. 🙂

She likes visiting her family at least once a month (they live in another city) so I think she likes spending time with them. Mentioning quality time now, I remember that she values it and it is important to her. I recall that terminology from a book she read ("5 love languages"). I have to bring back memories from the time we discussed the book because we exchanged opinions about which of the 5 languages resonated with us the most. I guess these languages can be considered to be something like values? 

[Wiseman2]

You two bicker over tv shows? Somehow it's starting to seem you two simply enjoy constant bickering, debating and belaboring everything.

That's ok. In that sense you are actually compatible. Some couples find some sort of passion in constant arguing and simply take the opposing views and express themselves that way.

They enjoy a sort of sparring partner. It's not for everyone but it seems to work for the two of you.

 

[drdre]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You two bicker over tv shows? Somehow it's starting to seem you two simply enjoy constant bickering, debating and belaboring everything.

That's ok. In that sense you are actually compatible. Some couples find some sort of passion in constant arguing and simply take the opposing views and express themselves that way.

They enjoy a sort of sparring partner. It's not for everyone but it seems to work for the two of you.

 

Why would we argue about tv shows? I want to watch whatever I wish and she doesn't forbid me to do it, technically, but she is complaining about it and explaining to me all the bad things about the TV show in question. I am very far from finding a passion in constant arguing, I don't like it. That's why I am here.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, drdre said:

Why would we argue about tv shows? I want to watch whatever I wish and she doesn't forbid me to do it, technically, but she is complaining about it and explaining to me all the bad things about the TV show in question. I am very far from finding a passion in constant arguing, I don't like it. That's why I am here.

Have you tried saying to her "I feel frustrated when you interrupt my show with your negative comments - I'm happy to chat about it later when it's over but I like to just be in the zone when it's on and just relax"  (use I statements as of course not everyone would be bothered or bothered as much as you are)

Why can't you watch in another room?

[drdre]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Have you tried saying to her "I feel frustrated when you interrupt my show with your negative comments - I'm happy to chat about it later when it's over but I like to just be in the zone when it's on and just relax"  (use I statements as of course not everyone would be bothered or bothered as much as you are)

Why can't you watch in another room?

She didn't even interrupt it. I mean - she was not even there. I was watching this show for couple of months this summer at my home and occasionally when texting or talking on the phone I was telling her that I am watching my favourite murders (however strange or stupid this sounds ). She then accumulated some hate about it and have told me several times that it was a bad and negative thing that would make me suffer and experience nightmares or something like that even if I didn't think it would. Asking her why did she think she was right about it, she said that this is a known thing (like it is some kind of science fact, although she didn't say it is) and that she wanted to protect me for my own good..

[Wiseman2]

It's interesting how you have a  laundry list of her controlling behaviors, yet when comments are made you defend her.

Personally, I would blow my brains out if I had to debate Every Single Thing. 

Ok you claim you don't like bickering, but why entertain her dissertations about what you're allowed or not allowed to watch on TV?

[DancingFool]

Sooo....do you understand that healthy relationships with someone who is actually compatible with you just aren't this miserable?

We keep going round and round, but what is it that you are actually seeking in terms of advice? Her behavior is not normal and wouldn't be acceptable to most people out there. You seem to feel the same way - you don't feel good about the way she treats you and don't feel it's acceptable either.

So what are you going to do about it? Cling on or break up? If cling on....whhyyyyyy?

[drdre]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's interesting how you have a  laundry list of her controlling behaviors, yet when comments are made you defend her.

I am still trying to understand if these are controlling behaviours? We are speaking on the phone frequently these days and when trying to confront her about this behaviour of hers being a controlling one, she rejects it and says it is stupid to claim such thing because it is not a big deal, she thinks it will be for the benefit of me and it can't be controlling at all. I am confused and I don't know how to decide what the truth is so I try to both present my point and defend hers (which are two contradictory things, of course). I guess I try to defend her point because I think if I present just my point of view, I will not be objective enough.

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Personally, I would blow my brains out if I had to debate Every Single Thing. 

I am exhausted now, indeed, and we try to discuss things and make some progress.

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok you claim you don't like bickering, but why entertain her dissertations about what you're allowed or not allowed to watch on TV?

I am not sure I understand that thing. What does it mean to entertain dissertations?

[greendots]

11 hours ago, drdre said:

They are an ethnic group without own country living in ghettos and totally refusing to integrate in society. Stealing, killing, without any education or job, living on social benefits, absolutely primitive, etc. Most of my compatriots outright hate them.

I am not sure that I totally understand the concept of values, but what I think about her is that she tries to completely eliminate all negative sources in her life. I don't say that one should focus on the negative but thinking that there is life with just positive experiences seems a fallacy to me. She is not only against "murder investigations". She opposes, for example, me watching The Incredible Dr. Pol because there is a negativity in it - pets surgeries and diseases which is upsetting to her and makes her sad while I focus on the outcome and really enjoy the resolution of animals being helped and cured (I love animals). Another thing she doesn't like is me watching a popular sitcom because ot its humour type and she says she doesn't want to become stupid by waching it. According to her watching it will make you stupid and you have to concentrate on better quality content which I don't agree to at all. I think of myself as an educated and intelligent person that can afford the luxury of watching stupid sitcoms while genuinely enjoying them.

I am in a great difficulty to answer that. I haven't consciously thought about it. I remember that we made a list of positive and negative things of the partner some time ago but I don't think we've made a list with values. This is a good idea and I can try to do it if we stay together.

She likes visiting her family at least once a month (they live in another city) so I think she likes spending time with them. Mentioning quality time now, I remember that she values it and it is important to her. I recall that terminology from a book she read ("5 love languages"). I have to bring back memories from the time we discussed the book because we exchanged opinions about which of the 5 languages resonated with us the most. I guess these languages can be considered to be something like values? 

Values: what is important to you in life. Also, what drives you? Does your partner respect and appreciate what gets you excited in life?

So, you mention she tries to completely eliminate all negative sources in her life. "Negative sources" is subjective. What I find negative, another person might not. For example, some people don't drink any alcohol and view it as 'a negative thing to do'. They'd struggle to be with someone, like myself, who enjoys the occasional drink. Why? Our values would clash.

Another example, someone's against riding bikes, too risky and view it as 'negative'. Someone else enjoys motorbike riding - it's their passion. These two people wouldn't work together because their values clash.

"The 5 Love Languages" are ways in which you express and experience love with another person.

Good that your thinking about this! We want to be with someone who treats us right, but also appreciates and respects our way we view the world.

🙂

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, drdre said:

She didn't even interrupt it. I mean - she was not even there. I was watching this show for couple of months this summer at my home and occasionally when texting or talking on the phone I was telling her that I am watching my favourite murders (however strange or stupid this sounds ). She then accumulated some hate about it and have told me several times that it was a bad and negative thing that would make me suffer and experience nightmares or something like that even if I didn't think it would. Asking her why did she think she was right about it, she said that this is a known thing (like it is some kind of science fact, although she didn't say it is) and that she wanted to protect me for my own good..

OK so why have that discussion at all if you know that she's not into that show? 

[drdre]

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Sooo....do you understand that healthy relationships with someone who is actually compatible with you just aren't this miserable?

Yes, I believe it is like that. 

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

We keep going round and round, but what is it that you are actually seeking in terms of advice? Her behavior is not normal and wouldn't be acceptable to most people out there. You seem to feel the same way - you don't feel good about the way she treats you and don't feel it's acceptable either.

I was mostly seeking for advice here because I was really trying to see if her point of view was valid, too, at least to some degree. I wanted to know if I was "broken" somehow or if there was something missing. I wanted to gather as much info as possible and not rush to make decision for a breakup. 

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

So what are you going to do about it? Cling on or break up? If cling on....whhyyyyyy?

I don't know, honestly. I don't want a breakup. I will give it some time, at least couple of weeks if we can discuss things. Meanwhile I am trying to get the most of this topic in terms of knowledge and opinions. 

[drdre]

16 hours ago, greendots said:

Values: what is important to you in life. Also, what drives you? Does your partner respect and appreciate what gets you excited in life?

This is a tough question. I have to consider it more thoroughly and get back with some answers.

16 hours ago, greendots said:

So, you mention she tries to completely eliminate all negative sources in her life. "Negative sources" is subjective. What I find negative, another person might not. For example, some people don't drink any alcohol and view it as 'a negative thing to do'. They'd struggle to be with someone, like myself, who enjoys the occasional drink. Why? Our values would clash.

I see, that makes sense. For her, I guess, these negative things are a given, I mean they are universally negative (like murders or surgeries or diseases). I don't have bad habits like drinking or smoking, for example, but as you said - some people will find them bad while some won't.

16 hours ago, greendots said:

Another example, someone's against riding bikes, too risky and view it as 'negative'. Someone else enjoys motorbike riding - it's their passion. These two people wouldn't work together because their values clash.

Ok, seems logical, I get it.

16 hours ago, greendots said:

"The 5 Love Languages" are ways in which you express and experience love with another person.

Yes, we discussed them when trying to find what every one of us was preferring the most in order to feel loved/appreciated. Because it turned out that we feel loved by different things.

16 hours ago, greendots said:

Good that your thinking about this! We want to be with someone who treats us right, but also appreciates and respects our way we view the world.

🙂

Yes, I do want such person. That's what I'm struggling with now.

[drdre]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

OK so why have that discussion at all if you know that she's not into that show? 

You mean why did we have the discussion about the show initially or the current one that was couple of days ago?

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2020 at 7:20 AM, drdre said:

. The doctor that did her mammography assigned her test a BI-RADS 5 which meant a chance for malignancy of 90-95%...

. The only thing that she got was a severe rash from eating only fruits and the surgeon, laughing, told me to not allow her do such things again... 

What? You and her doctor "laughing" at her and you making medical decisions when you are not even related?

This seems very strange. Ultimately she opted for the surgical procedure and that has zero to do with you.

Did you know that contempt is the best predictor of relationship demise?

It seems incomprehensible that you dismiss things like surgical procedures and serious cancer scares as another thing to get in a power struggle over and yet have time to bicker over tv shows.

It's also odd that you're both stuck in this standoff.

You don't want to break up but you don't want to move forward or get along better.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, drdre said:

You mean why did we have the discussion about the show initially or the current one that was couple of days ago?

Why talk or text about a show you are watching when you know it's not her thing? Don't you have other topics you both could mutually enjoy?  If she asks what you are doing give a breezy response -lighthearted "oh just watching that show you hate!" and move along.  JMHO

[greendots]

5 hours ago, drdre said:

This is a tough question. I have to consider it more thoroughly and get back with some answers.

I see, that makes sense. For her, I guess, these negative things are a given, I mean they are universally negative (like murders or surgeries or diseases). I don't have bad habits like drinking or smoking, for example, but as you said - some people will find them bad while some won't.

Ok, seems logical, I get it.

Yes, we discussed them when trying to find what every one of us was preferring the most in order to feel loved/appreciated. Because it turned out that we feel loved by different things.

Yes, I do want such person. That's what I'm struggling with now.

Great that you're thinking about all of this. I hope it all works out for you for the best! 🙂

[bluecastle]

Your comments about values—specifically not quite understanding the concept, or what yours are, but being curious to pinpoint all that—strikes me as informative. Seems like this is something you two share—uncertainty about your own value systems, some insecurity connected to that uncertainty—and so these proxy battles flare up. It's like you're each "using" the other to affirm a set of values, or to excavate them, or something. 

Take the TV stuff. While I doubt you harbor a secret sense that your TV viewing habits are immoral, unhealthy, and so on, the fact that you're open to her criticisms shows that you're open, to some degree, of having your general integrity questioned, challenged, even judged. As your internet friend, I ask: What's up with that? On the flip side, that she is so determined to push at something like this (at least to my eyes) shows not "sensitivity," as you put it earlier, but a lack of confidence in her own value system. Were I her internet friend, I'd ask: That resonate at all? 

It's rare, if not impossible, that two people will share the exact values. Heck, most of us don't ever know all our values, and those we know? They occasionally change shape, with some of the changing coming from encounters with new people: platonically, romantically, randomly, and so on. Still, it helps in a relationship to be closer on the value spectrum than far apart and—this is a big key—to be confident enough in your own convictions that a difference in opinion doesn't throw you into a cycle of self-doubt, self-defense, or trigger a need impulse to judge.

Because all that? That's basically where growth goes to die, where the healthy experience of being "challenged" in a relationship morphs into something more like pugilism: two people, in opposite corners, going round for round. That can be interesting—and, hey, thrilling for those with masochistic streaks—but it generally has its limits, as there's a difference between healing from a black eye and just, you know, living a healthy life.

Curious to ask: Think there's any chance, with the driving stuff, that part of why you've been a touch reluctant to chill on that front is because you feel you're being judged on so many others? 

 

[drdre]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What? You and her doctor "laughing" at her and you making medical decisions when you are not even related?

This seems very strange. Ultimately she opted for the surgical procedure and that has zero to do with you.

No, you haven't understood me, we didn't laugh at anything. The doctor was lightheartedly joking about her diet leading to a severe rash and told me that I shouldn't "let" this rash happen again. It was when we both went to the hospital for taking her discharge summary and other official documents couple of weeks after the surgery. I think he tried to lift her spirits a little bit because she was still stressed out and serious while the outcome of the procedure was great – the doctor had made thousands of such surgeries and most of them didn’t end well for the patients when it comes to the news they revealed to them (malignancy). So my gf, like other poster here correctly said, was focusing on the negative instead of being extremely happy and relieved that everything was fine. I didn’t make any medical decision, I don’t know what did you mean by that?

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you know that contempt is the best predictor of relationship demise?

I didn’t want to contempt her. I am sorry if it turned out like that.

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems incomprehensible that you dismiss things like surgical procedures and serious cancer scares as another thing to get in a power struggle over and yet have time to bicker over tv shows.

I didn’t understand that? The medical problems and power struggles after that were in the last summer (2019) while the issue with tv shows is from this year. Do you advice that struggling over the former is preferable than over the latter or I am I missing something (this “dismiss” word is puzzling me and I can’t comprehend this sentence fully)?

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's also odd that you're both stuck in this standoff.

You don't want to break up but you don't want to move forward or get along better.

 

I do want to move forward and our goal is to get along better (get along means to have better communication and acceptance of each other and less problems, right?) but we seem to struggle with making this a reality. Maybe our different points of view hinder that process?

[drdre]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why talk or text about a show you are watching when you know it's not her thing? Don't you have other topics you both could mutually enjoy?  If she asks what you are doing give a breezy response -lighthearted "oh just watching that show you hate!" and move along.  JMHO

My bad – in my previous post I said that “occasionally when texting or talking on the phone I was telling her that I am watching my favourite murders” but what I meant was that I told her about the show when she asked me what I was doing, for example (I thought it was taken for granted). So I was not purposefully texting her “hey, you know what? I am watching ID” Your suggestion for breezy response is a good one, I haven’t thought of it. The latest discussion about it, though, was on my initiative in response to her being not happy with several of my flaws. I wanted to “level” things maybe by presenting my resentment.

[drdre]

12 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Your comments about values—specifically not quite understanding the concept, or what yours are, but being curious to pinpoint all that—strikes me as informative. Seems like this is something you two share—uncertainty about your own value systems, some insecurity connected to that uncertainty—and so these proxy battles flare up. It's like you're each "using" the other to affirm a set of values, or to excavate them, or something. 

“Strikes me as informative” – is it something good? You mean that it gave you some additional insight on the situation (english is killing me sometimes, I struggle to understand some things )? I really guess I have uncertainties. I think one evolves and can change or accept other value/s if he climbs to a “higher” emotional or intellectual level. Or are these not values but points of view or some other terminology? Like, for example, thinking that some people are bad or flawed but you change that thinking down the line for a more “liberal” one and accept that they may too have their own opinion or that they too deserve good attitude.

12 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Take the TV stuff. While I doubt you harbor a secret sense that your TV viewing habits are immoral, unhealthy, and so on, the fact that you're open to her criticisms shows that you're open, to some degree, of having your general integrity questioned, challenged, even judged. As your internet friend, I ask: What's up with that? On the flip side, that she is so determined to push at something like this (at least to my eyes) shows not "sensitivity," as you put it earlier, but a lack of confidence in her own value system. Were I her internet friend, I'd ask: That resonate at all? 

I really don’t harbour a sense that my viewing habits are immoral or unhealthy. She argues about the latter but it sounds like a BS to me, I just don’t get it but I guess it is because of our different “natures”. She is very emotional and avoids negativity, she is easily disbalanced by hardships in life (even everyday trivial stuff) while I brush off most of these things. I am experiencing emotions too, of course, but not to that degree and I easily “forget” it very fast, while she is under their influence for days or weeks. Having my integrity questioned, challenged or judged is a very good statement of yours, it resonates with me. But what does “what’s up with that” mean? Is it good or is it bad to be open to this questioning and challenging my integrity? Her lacking a confidence in her own value system is not something I have thought about. You may be right but I don’t know that because while I am very happy that the topic answers continue to appear, they are progressively deeper and more complex and I am struggling with some of the philosophical matters I think, though, that the topic makes me grow in that respect and I learn new things about myself and the world. I would like to ask her if she’s lacking confidence in her own value system but I think she will just get defensive and it will turn against me. It’s some kind of vicious circle. Last week I tried to confront her about the TV stuff again (after I got “armed” with much new information here) but it didn’t get me anywhere. She just refuses to accept my point of view or justifies herself by saying that she was doing it for my own good and that it was because she cared for me.

12 hours ago, bluecastle said:

It's rare, if not impossible, that two people will share the exact values. Heck, most of us don't ever know all our values, and those we know? They occasionally change shape, with some of the changing coming from encounters with new people: platonically, romantically, randomly, and so on. Still, it helps in a relationship to be closer on the value spectrum than far apart and—this is a big key—to be confident enough in your own convictions that a difference in opinion doesn't throw you into a cycle of self-doubt, self-defense, or trigger a need impulse to judge.

The last part is what troubles me. I was very stubborn in the past and very confident in my own convictions but age and experience made me “softer” and I think it is not a bad outcome. But maybe I went too far in the opposite direction, like some form of compensation. While I still have some hard beliefs, I am now more inclined to question myself on them and wondering if I am right to hold them or not. This self-doubt or self-defense is something that makes my life harder to some degree. I guess one should find “the golden mean” somehow??

12 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Because all that? That's basically where growth goes to die, where the healthy experience of being "challenged" in a relationship morphs into something more like pugilism: two people, in opposite corners, going round for round. That can be interesting—and, hey, thrilling for those with masochistic streaks—but it generally has its limits, as there's a difference between healing from a black eye and just, you know, living a healthy life.

Well, I don’t want to play boxing rounds constantly It’s not thrilling at all, I get exhausted and angry and not appreciated and whatever. What is a black eye btw?

12 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Curious to ask: Think there's any chance, with the driving stuff, that part of why you've been a touch reluctant to chill on that front is because you feel you're being judged on so many others? 

 

I think there is not a very high probability for that. Driving is one of the older issues of us and I agree that I have to be more composed when driving and more considerate about others. I try to do it and there is a progress for sure. I think driving is connected to my personality somehow, to my mind not getting rid of teenager’s way of thinking, to me losing my temper when somebody cuts me off, etc. But however much I try to be a better driver, there are still issues which I just can’t control but which stress her out sometimes – like how noisy is the engine above certain RPM, how close/far or how fast/slow I stop behind the front car at traffic lights or I sidestep a parked car, etc. This is what additionally makes me angry.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, drdre said:

 our goal is to get along better (get along means to have better communication and acceptance of each other and less problems, right?) but we seem to struggle with making this a reality. 

By "goal" meaning moving forward in a direction that involves adult decisions such as moving in together, whether you want to marry or have kids,etc 

Not just trying to get along and continually bicker.

Right now you live with parents. You can't agree on finances or important things in fact you can't agree on nonsense like tv shows.

She seems a bit further along in her life stage. She has her own place, tries to cope with adult medical issues, finances,etc.

 

[greendots]

The way that you drive, the shows that you watch, how you resolve problems, etc - these are choices you make. And these choices, trivial or important, are part of who you are.

How do you feel about having to justify your choices to her, every time she doesn't approve of them? Is this a life you want?

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, if 2 years together has led my partner to question seeing a future with me, I'd skip all debate about who is right or wrong on anything. I'd thank him for being honest, and I'd tell him that I'd only come to resent him if I tried to dance for him in order to keep him. He knows me, and my hovering around isn't going to help him learn anything different about me. If he ever decides that he's clear that he wants a future with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best, and I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another.

We don't get any time back to relive over again. I may not be sure of a lot of things, but I certainly don't want someone who's not sure about me.

Head high.