My girlfriend is not sure about our future together

[drdre]

Hello, I hope for some helpful insights about my relationship because I feel down... Some info:

- together for more than 2 years

- have had disagreements occasionally; no cheating/lying to each other or other "extreme" acts

- I live with my parents, she lives with a roommate

- I am 33, she is 36

It seems we have some difference in characters - she is very liberal, I am more conservative (we call ourselves "the hippie" and "the hater").

She is very passionate about self-improvement, mostly in personal area (relationships, self-knowledge, etc.) and goes to counceling.

She is the type of person that tries to solve our relationship problems by reading tons of books in the area and discussing matters with a councelor. I don't necessarily disapprove such approach, I just feel things should be "easier" and natural (may be completely wrong?). 

My driving style is a little bit aggressive (speed, sharp manoeuvres, etc.) which was a big problem for her. She felt stressed while in the car with me. I tried to do my best and be more gentle and while there is an improvement, it seems now it is a pattern for her - she freaks from the smallest thing (like abrupt stopping because the car in front has suddenly stopped, noisy engine acceleration because of my car being loud, etc.) and I feel guilty again.

She had a bad 2019 year because of breast surgery (thankfully everything turned out to be fine). She had to undergo a procedure and while she was hesitating I encouraged her to not let time pass because doctors didn't exclude bad scenario. I even told her that I didn't know how could I cope with my stress if she would postpone the operation for several months (my bad, because I pressured her that way). When everything came out good, she started regretting the surgery and the "urge" to undergo such procedure as it turned out it wasn't a bad growth. I was accused of pressuring her and of being guilty that one of her breasts was now smaller than the other (which, honestly, shocked me, justified or not).

This summer we had an argument about my driving again after me losing my temper in a road situation which freaked her out. She told me she didn't want to continue the relationship anymore but I guess she was not sure about it and suggested counceling. We had several sessions in which we didn't make a progress in that area, I think, but the whole thing was definitely benefical. The strange (at least for me) thing was that she was shocked that I wanted to share the bill for the counselor. She thought I had to pay wholly because she had already been going to another counceling herself with the purpose of improving herself and our relationship (her paying 50% of the bill for the 2nd councelor would be unfair).

Recently, she told me there were several things that had accumulated and were bothering her (the driving still being one of them). In a previous conversation about our future we were discussing financial issues and I told her that I could ask her for money if I needed such which turned out to be a problem for her. She thought it was not fair that she had struggled to find a high-paying job while I would (hypothetically) want money from her because I don't want to struggle like her and find myself better job. 

Now she isn't sure that she can accept me as I am and be in a relationship with me because of our differences. Any advice will be welcome. Thank you!

[SherrySher]

Why would you be asking her for money?

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, drdre said:

 Nowshe isn't sure that she can accept me as I am and be in a relationship with me because of our differences.

Sorry this is happening 😞 . In a way it's a relief from way too much drama and conflicts.

The incompatibly insight makes sense.

Trying to fix and change each other is a battle that just wears both of you down.

Going forward would be a nightmare at best. It's trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[drdre]

8 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Why would you be asking her for money?

That was example. I mean - if we are living together and there's a situation in which I haven't got enough money for something, I ask her. Something like a common family budget. I don't know if you understand me correctly or if I can describe it accurately.

[SherrySher]

I'm going to be honest with you here in hopes that you might be open to constructive criticism.

The aggressive driving, has got to stop. That's teenager stuff and no need for it. Your goal is to get from point A to point B as safely as possible, even more so if you're carrying precious cargo, such as a passenger.

Aggressive drivers are the cause of many car accidents yearly and as well as deaths. It's dangerous, immature and absolutely not necessary under any circumstances.

Secondly, when this woman was going through a really hard time (and no doubt was worried/scared/stressed out), instead of comforting her, building her confidence up, helping her be more calm, you instead decide to focus on your own feelings and what you want, rather than to focus on hers.

That's just a bad show. Your job wasn't to pressure her, your job was to support her by telling her you'd be there for her if and when she decided to have this surgery, but that it was totally up to her. Even if she asked you what she should do, you should have told her you loved her no matter if she wanted to go through the surgery, or not. And actually mean it!

As for the counselling, if you both attended the sessions and is was for both your benefits, than yes, it was fair to split the bill.

But in my opinion, you need some serious anger management help as soon as you can. Not only will it improve your relationships (romantic, or not) but it will help all areas in your life. You lose your temper far too often and you handle it very badly.

As for her giving you money, I'm not sure what that is about. But in general, her money is hers, yours is yours. You shouldn't be asking one another for money, even if one of you has more than the other one.

Splitting bills is fine, but only if agreed upon mutually.

[drdre]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening 😞 . In a way it's a relief from way too much drama and conflicts.

The incompatibly insight makes sense.

Trying to fix and change each other is a battle that just wears both of you down.

Going forward would be a nightmare at best. It's trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Very clever! What you are saying seems spot on. But I still wonder if the incompatibilities are big enough to surrender or not? I love her and I don't want to lose her. Although I haven't power now, she is "deciding". But can't we just live like normal peope, I don't want to change and fix her, that is a mistake I've done in the past and it is stupid thing to do? One accepts his/her partner if he/she loves her/him, or not?

[drdre]

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm going to be honest with you here in hopes that you might be open to constructive criticism.

Of course I am!

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

The aggressive driving, has got to stop. That's teenager stuff and no need for it. Your goal is to get from point A to point B as safely as possible, even more so if you're carrying precious cargo, such as a passenger.

Aggressive drivers are the cause of many car accidents yearly and as well as deaths. It's dangerous, immature and absolutely not necessary under any circumstances.

I know that logically, of course. It is just my driving style in which sometimes I like faster driving or something like that. It has evolved through the years and I am nowhere near what I have been in the past but there is still room for improvement. The problem is that it is some kind of pattern and internal need for me and I have to consciously control myself which is not so big problem but every now and then I will revert to the old habit (even for a second or two). She, although, doesn't accept such solution and wants me to discover where that driving style comes from and adjust it.

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Secondly, when this woman was going through a really hard time (and no doubt was worried/scared/stressed out), instead of comforting her, building her confidence up, helping her be more calm, you instead decide to focus on your own feelings and what you want, rather than to focus on hers.

That's just a bad show. Your job wasn't to pressure her, your job was to support her by telling her you'd be there for her if and when she decided to have this surgery, but that it was totally up to her. Even if she asked you what she should do, you should have told her you loved her no matter if she wanted to go through the surgery, or not. And actually mean it!

I get your point. At that moment I was really stressed out not to lose her (physically) and I really thought I was doing it with the best intent possible (however wrong that may be). Not to defend myself, but I am a rational person and believe in medicine. The doctor that did her mammography assigned her test a BI-RADS 5 which meant a chance for malignancy of 90-95%... If that is not a precondition for urgent intervention, I don't know what would be. In the meanwhile she was completely disheartened but tried some diets that "can" make the growth disappear. The only thing that she got was a severe rash from eating only fruits and the surgeon, laughing, told me to not allow her do such things again... I was really intentionally pressuring her to make that step because health is not something you can mess with, no matter how stupid and rude that may be. Maybe I made a mistake but I really wanted to steer her into rational orbit. 

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

As for the counselling, if you both attended the sessions and is was for both your benefits, than yes, it was fair to split the bill.

But in my opinion, you need some serious anger management help as soon as you can. Not only will it improve your relationships (romantic, or not) but it will help all areas in your life. You lose your temper far too often and you handle it very badly.

Maybe I have presented myself incorrectly. I don't think I have anger issues, I don't lose temper often but that, I guess, is subjective.

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

As for her giving you money, I'm not sure what that is about. But in general, her money is hers, yours is yours. You shouldn't be asking one another for money, even if one of you has more than the other one.

Splitting bills is fine, but only if agreed upon mutually.

The thing with the money may come from my family background. My parents have always shared money and if somebody hasn't got enough of them - he/she takes from the other for something (be it bills or just a purchase). About splitting bills - I am usually paying but when we spoke about going out to restaurants and similar places (I don't like going to such places frequently), she told me she wanted to go often to which I replied that I can't afford much going out and if she wanted - she can pay the bill then. She took it as an offence.

[SherrySher]

You sound really level headed to be fair. Your current replies give a far different impression than your initial post.

I hope you continue improvements in areas of driving.

I understand where you are coming from now in terms of wanting her to get the surgery. I hadn't realized there was a chance of malignancy.

If that was the case, then yes, it was a good thing to get the surgery done.

Does she regret the surgery now? Why did she feel you pressured her? I mean, didn't she want the surgery herself?

 

As for money sharing, yes, that occurs between married couples who have a joint bank account, but it's not as common with people who are still dating.

[SherrySher]

19 minutes ago, drdre said:

About splitting bills - I am usually paying but when we spoke about going out to restaurants and similar places (I don't like going to such places frequently), she told me she wanted to go often to which I replied that I can't afford much going out and if she wanted - she can pay the bill then. She took it as an offence.

You're correct in this as well. If she is the one wanting to go out all the time, then she should be the one paying, or at the very least, splitting the bill.

If you however aren't happy splitting the bill, simply tell her you don't want to spend the money going out like that. As long as you're being fair and still continuing to take her out now and then, she should understand.

If she doesn't then you have a problem.

[drdre]

24 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You sound really level headed to be fair. Your current replies give a far different impression than your initial post.

Thanks! One cannot exactly get to know a person from just couple of online posts but I try to be as informative as I can be and present our two points of view. The story is long and nobody would like to read my novel of hundred pages about all the things that happened in these 2 years :))

24 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I hope you continue improvements in areas of driving.

I am doing my best but that may not lead to 100% "correction" of my driving, I suppose. Her idea was me getting to the root of the problem which according to her will "cure" that behaviour of mine instead of me trying to "suppress" my driving habits just because of her. The latter will not lead to 100% success and it will be healthier for me to find the reason I am driving like that. I guess her point is valid, but some of the things (like me making more abrupt turns or lane changes or something like that) are my style of driving which isn't necessarily dangerous or even against the law, not at all.

24 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I understand where you are coming from now in terms of wanting her to get the surgery. I hadn't realized there was a chance of malignancy.

If that was the case, then yes, it was a good thing to get the surgery done.

Does she regret the surgery now? Why did she feel you pressured her? I mean, didn't she want the surgery herself?

Honestly, both of us were at the time imagining the worst case scenario and the mood was really at its lowest point (she even asked the doctor in advance about radiation therapy and similar things, she'd had already accepted that it's inevitable because the statistic percentage of BI-RADS categorization was really giving her 5 to 10% possibility of a benign growth...). She still regrets that the surgery was done at that specific time. She thinks (like I explained to her - based on her CURRENT knowledge) that she could have avoided surgery (or at least postponed it) and instead try couple of different diets (or similar "alternative" medicine approaches). Which puzzles me still. I don't believe such BS and I am still insisting that the conventional medicine was the best option, I guess people like her who are told such bad news (or even worse - are ill already) start to act like a drowning man clutching at a straw.

24 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

 

As for money sharing, yes, that occurs between married couples who have a joint bank account, but it's not as common with people who are still dating.

We don't use joint bank accounts in my country. Almost all people have their bank accounts but the majority of money operations are still done by cash. So families like mine keep their money in their pockets, wallets, wardrobes, etc.  We are still dating but we were talking about the time when we will be a family (imaginably).

[MissCanuck]

This woman wants out of the relationship. 

For her, the incompatibilities are just too much. Brace yourself, drdre, because this one is coming to an end. 

[drdre]

44 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You're correct in this as well. If she is the one wanting to go out all the time, then she should be the one paying, or at the very least, splitting the bill.

If you however aren't happy splitting the bill, simply tell her you don't want to spend the money going out like that. As long as you're being fair and still continuing to take her out now and then, she should understand.

If she doesn't then you have a problem.

She doesn't want to go out all the time but she surely likes to do it more often than me. We were speaking about that and I told her that I can afford X or Y times a week/month going out and if she insisted that we go every day (figuratively), then she can pay the bill, I wouldn't mind (I said it somehow angry and out of spite). She took that very bad because, according to her, I won't be a man enough if I let a woman pay my restaurant bills all the time (or if I ask her for money without paying it back). She can afford many things because she gets more than twice my salary but insists on "classical" man-woman relationship roles, I suppose. And she wants me to be as motivated in professional area as her, which equals me getting another job and getting up to her "level", I guess.

[SherrySher]

54 minutes ago, drdre said:

abrupt turns or lane changes

Ya, you gotta change that. You should always try your best to make your passengers feel as comfortable and as safe as possible.

Nevermind that doing anything abruptly when driving, gives little reaction time to other drivers.

 

I can understand why you pushed her to get the surgery. I fully believe that alternative medicines have their place and can be very helpful.

But cancer is a very aggressive disease and not one to mess around with. If there was any chance at all that it was malignant, then yes, surgery was the way to go.

 

Concerning money though, that is getting really dicey. It really doesn't matter if she has more money than you or you than her. It still doesn't give either of you the right to expect money from the other one.

You should be paying your own bills and she should be paying her own. As for going out, like I had advised before, if she wants to go out all the time you can suggest splitting the bill, or simply tell her you can't afford to go. 

It's possible that couples will have their own set of rules regarding money, but this is usually standard.

[drdre]

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Ya, you gotta change that. You should always try your best to make your passengers feel as comfortable and as safe as possible.

Nevermind that doing anything abruptly when driving, gives little reaction time to other drivers.

Ok, makes sense, it's hard for me but...

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

 

I can understand why you pushed her to get the surgery. I fully believe that alternative medicines have their place and can be very helpful.

But cancer is a very aggressive disease and not one to mess around with. If there was any chance at all that it was malignant, then yes, surgery was the way to go.

It was almost a "miracle" that it turned out to be benign. CT scans and X-rays were highly suspicious and doctors recommended she undergoes surgery (which itself was with the frozen section pathology technique which meant that the tissue was immediately sent and assessed during intervention in order to guide the operation if needed - e.g. additional tissue removal, lymph node removal, etc.).

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

 

Concerning money though, that is getting really dicey. It really doesn't matter if she has more money than you or you than her. It still doesn't give either of you the right to expect money from the other one.

I don't think I have any right to ask anything. I was just thinking that if we were a family and I needed money, she could give me some (the opposite should be possible, too). It's not about expecting it. Just my point of view based on my family background (not necessarily a good or "right" one, of course).

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You should be paying your own bills and she should be paying her own. As for going out, like I had advised before, if she wants to go out all the time you can suggest splitting the bill, or simply tell her you can't afford to go. 

It's possible that couples will have their own set of rules regarding money, but this is usually standard.

I really don't understand the point of being a family and sharing your life with somebody but keep your money. I am not saying that you should misuse the budget but if everybody hides his money in his pocket, what a couple would this be? I would gladly place my money at home so if somebody needs it - help yourself (I am doing it now with my family and my parents know it and are "authorized" to take money as they wish from my drawer). I have no problem to do it for my girlfriend, too, despite her being far better paid.

I did tell her I couldn't afford to go all the time to restaurants and all but she concentrated just on my suggestion that she pays the whole bill then. According to her that is my problem because I don't aim higher (leaving my job for a better paid one so I can afford more things).

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, drdre said:

I did tell her I couldn't afford to go all the time to restaurants and all but she concentrated just on my suggestion that she pays the whole bill then. According to her that is my problem because I don't aim higher (leaving my job for a better paid one so I can afford more things).

Well....the part that you seem to be missing is that this is a woman who has zero respect for you as a man and thinks you are beneath her. On top of that, this is someone who is seriously self centered. While you are giving and caring, she is a taker. What's hers is hers and only hers. This is a character issue and it won't change just because you get married.

On top of that, she blames others for her decisions and problems. Another huge character problem and a red flag.

In addition to too many personal differences, I'd take a big step back and take a good look at all the red flags about her and her character and behavior slapping you in the face. But "I looove her" isn't a good enough reason to sign up to being guilt tripped and disrespected for life. Think on that.

[drdre]

8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Well....the part that you seem to be missing is that this is a woman who has zero respect for you as a man and thinks you are beneath her. On top of that, this is someone who is seriously self centered. While you are giving and caring, she is a taker. What's hers is hers and only hers. This is a character issue and it won't change just because you get married.

On top of that, she blames others for her decisions and problems. Another huge character problem and a red flag.

In addition to too many personal differences, I'd take a big step back and take a good look at all the red flags about her and her character and behavior slapping you in the face. But "I looove her" isn't a good enough reason to sign up to being guilt tripped and disrespected for life. Think on that.

Well, I don't want to paint her in a bad light. Don't get me wrong. She has her flaws. I haven't felt that she has no respect for me and that she thinks I am beneath her, but I can't be 100% sure, of course.

Somehow she wants me to be more active and motivated in life, especially in professional area. I guess that's what her idea of a manly man is, that's what will make her respect a person more. I think it is biologically conditioned in women, isn't it?

Some other things I recall:

- she was not happy that I was watching Investigation Discovery some time ago; she is sensitive and according to her one should not watch such horrors and must not allow negative things to come into his life (like she is giving all the bad things a wide berth)

- she was not happy that I was watching some comedy series that I really enjoyed; it was very foolish and low-level according to her and it could only make a person become stupid

- she was frequently upset that I was choosing to spend couple of hours after work with my friends outside in the summer instead of doing something "beneficial" for me and the relationship, which was to self-improve by reading some books in the topic; she felt it was unfair that while she was reading a lot of books, going to counceling and trying to improve our relationship, I was going out with friends and not "caring" about it

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

It's interesting, to me, this construct you two have created in which she is the hippie and you are the hater, since the more you write the more the inverse seems to be true. She sounds, all in all, very close minded and self absorbed. I don't mean that negatively, mind you, but just observationally. A bookshelf filled with books on Opening The Mind is not, mind you, always evidence of an open mind. 

Driving should be done like x and x only; TV programs y and z should not be watched for reasons a and b; self-improvement looks like this, not that; and so on. Her way is the way, which is kind of a paragon of conservative thought, while here you are showcasing a much more elastic sensibility, an instinct to consider another person—i.e. to consider other people—and see about shifting here, evolving there. Worth reflecting on, perhaps. 

But all those weeds? They're generally the weeds we get stuck in when we're not in a compatible match. I can imagine you two have helped each other grow in some wonderful and vital ways, but could it be that you've outgrown that period of growth? I understand she's the one bringing all this to the table—which, hard as it is, is at least more honest than needling you about driving and TV—but I pose the above question to encourage you to think about the big picture too. 

  

[boltnrun]

So basically, if you do everything her way you will be perfect?

I will say, get a handle on the unsafe driving.  It's not that hard.  I would hate for you to have to learn the hard way by causing an accident because you don't want to drive safely.

[tattoobunnie]

Me and my hubs love to drive aggressively and quickly, and we don't flinch. You're just with the wrong lady.  Relationships take tons of work, but it shouldn't be so hard. The right one for you will make you laugh and bring out the best.

[DancingFool]

So basically she is a control freak who will tell you what you can and cannot watch and do and get mad if you don't comply. She will also use emotions to guilt trip you and manipulate you. Meanwhile, you are calling her "sensitive" in order to excuse and justify her inexcusable and quite frankly unhinged behavior. Sorry to be blunt, but good grief. The more you write, the more I cringe. How are you tolerating being treated like this? This isn't some hippie liberal chic thing, this is just plain old toxic.

Also, why is she in therapy? Does she have a mental illness or some other personal disorder or issue she is dealing with? It's one thing to go to a therapist because you have real issues you are trying to work through. However, it's not normal to have a therapist on speed dial to "work on your relationship" while using that as emotional blackmail on your SO - "look at me and how hard I'm working on this relationship and how dare you have interests outside of ME!" This is the definition of insanity and whatever she is doing in therapy, assuming she isn't blowing smoke at you, sure isn't working.

What's concerning is that you don't seem to be able to see how absolutely nuts this whole situation is and how controlling this woman is. I'm equally struck by how far you are willing to flex in order to be understanding while labeling yourself as a "hater" while she is the actual hater who is labeling herself as "liberal". Blue is spot on that you have the labels backwards. 

In a nutshell, the more you disclose about your relationship, the more toxic the picture becomes. Don't confuse a strong woman with controlling.

[drdre]

45 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

It's interesting, to me, this construct you two have created in which she is the hippie and you are the hater, since the more you write the more the inverse seems to be true. She sounds, all in all, very close minded and self absorbed. I don't mean that negatively, mind you, but just observationally. A bookshelf filled with books on Opening The Mind is not, mind you, always evidence of an open mind. 

Yeah, it's some kind of a paradox. We created this construct from the beginning of our relationship because of me hating some groups of people based on origin, sports preferences, political preferences and so on, while she was understanding person and thought that all people are equal and deserve good attitude (I'm narrow minded and hater in that respect, I guess). But these two years we've come to conclusion that in many cases it is the exact opposite, she has been prejudiced not once or twice. And many times she is astonished how I can be a hater and at the same time display completely opposite behavious - like me sympathizing with some homeless man on the street and giving him money, running after stray cats and dogs to pet them and feed them (I love animals, I even once left her in front of the car to wait for me while I ran to the nearest store to buy cat food and she got angry ), etc.

45 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Driving should be done like x and x only; TV programs y and z should not be watched for reasons a and b; self-improvement looks like this, not that; and so on. Her way is the way, which is kind of a paragon of conservative thought, while here you are showcasing a much more elastic sensibility, an instinct to consider another person—i.e. to consider other people—and see about shifting here, evolving there. Worth reflecting on, perhaps. 

I learned a lot from my previous relationship (a 4 year one) in which I was stubborn and stupid enough but I think I made a big progress and growth. So I think that the universe now punishes me with something that is like my previous version in a female variant  Joke aside, I don't want to paint her completely in such a way. She's made a lot of efforts for our relationship and I appreciate it. She tried to overcome many of her problems with my flaws, but several things in me may be deal-breakers for her because she feels bad now and doesn't know what decision to take.

45 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

But all those weeds? They're generally the weeds we get stuck in when we're not in a compatible match. I can imagine you two have helped each other grow in some wonderful and vital ways, but could it be that you've outgrown that period of growth? I understand she's the one bringing all this to the table—which, hard as it is, is at least more honest than needling you about driving and TV—but I pose the above question to encourage you to think about the big picture too. 

  

What do you mean that I can have outrgrown the period of growth? I am troubled to comprehend that last paragraph. Can you clarify please?

[drdre]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So basically, if you do everything her way you will be perfect?

I will say, get a handle on the unsafe driving.  It's not that hard.  I would hate for you to have to learn the hard way by causing an accident because you don't want to drive safely.

Yeah, driving is a flaw of mine. But I don't want to exaggerate, too  It's not so unsafe, more like that it is intense in some way  Anyway, I have told her many times in these 2 years that I want to be respected/loved the way I am. I've got my flaws and I can't be perfect. It is up to the other person if she can tolerate them or not. She consciously knows all my good points and she has even written them down in her workbook but still can't accept the bad ones, they weigh upon her.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's appropriate to ask her for money since you're not married and the money is not toward a common purchase -for example if you were planning to travel together and she wanted to go to a more expensive place than you then she could put in more $ than you.  Or buying a home together might mean one of you pays more depending on income.  You're not a family with her.  You're boyfriend and girlfriend and you don't share financial obligations like rent or mortgage.  my husband sometimes drives too fast IMO.  We have a child.  I would not be comfortable if he drove aggressively given that we have a child.  Do you plan to have a child who would ride in your car? Then I'd change my driving style.

I don't think you two are well matched it seems.  I'm sorry!!

[drdre]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Me and my hubs love to drive aggressively and quickly, and we don't flinch. You're just with the wrong lady.  Relationships take tons of work, but it shouldn't be so hard. The right one for you will make you laugh and bring out the best.

If I was driving "normally" for her, there would be still an issue with my motivation, job, TV preferences or whatever... 😕

[bluecastle]

I think we, as people, occasionally course correct a bit too much as lessons get metabolized. Like: we eat fast food for 4 years, learn the downsides, and then spend a few years nibbling on kale stems in order to, eventually, find the right balance for our sincerest, most authentic selves. Or, less metaphorically: I get the impression that, maybe, you were drawn to her/this as a way of putting those past lessons "to use," but are now seeing some of the shortcomings to that. 

Which I suppose is a fine segue to your question: What I meant—sorry, still figuring out the quote feature here!—is that maybe you both needed each other for a time, that you were drawn to each other (consciously or otherwise) because you (you both) saw the potential of some growth. So, she nudged you here, you nudged her there—lovely!  But there's a not-so-fine line between the occasional nudging that leads to husk shedding, and what you're describing here: rubbing, friction, static, perhaps a toxic aftertaste in each of your throats.   

You write about her with a lot of respect. But from these seats, you are describing someone who is prone to weaponizing insecurities, taking aim at another's shins (yours) in order to gain a false, fleeting sense of self-security. This doesn't work, ever, hence it becomes a loop, and instead of continuing to grow up and outward, you (you both) risk wilting, kind of like a plant that does well in one corner, and in one pot, for a bit, before showing signs of sickness. 

Whether any of that resonates as applicable here—well, I'll let you decide.