Rtkennedy1 Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved. I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr. I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 8, 2020 Author Share Posted December 8, 2020 Please , any advice would be appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 If she can’t appreciate the fact you are grieving your mom’s death do you really want a woman like that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 15 minutes ago, Seraphim said: If she can’t appreciate the fact you are grieving your mom’s death do you really want a woman like that? Exactly what I was thinking. I am sorry but she sounds incredibly selfish. I am thinking that things always revolve around her? I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to lung cancer. Very painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 20 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Please , any advice would be appreciated Check out AA online you'll get lots of info and support. The truth about the breakup is slowly being revealed. Unfortunately alcohol and drugs played a role, whether it's you, her or both of you. You have to face that in order to heal and move forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 When the going gets tough, you see what others in your life are made of and how they handle things. She bailed once during a rough period without being supportive and patient. If you two got back together, when the next stressful event happened, and they always do in the average life, she'd take off again. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. It doesn't seem like it now, but she did you a favor, freeing you to find somebody more mature and caring. That is, once you've finished mourning this relationship and have moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 9, 2020 Author Share Posted December 9, 2020 It didn't have to be done in such a cruel way, and now its been 30 days N feels like day 1. I cant help it, its consuming my mind. I feel fully reponsible that I caused enough pain to her that she could do this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 18 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: It didn't have to be done in such a cruel way, and now its been 30 days N feels like day 1. I cant help it, its consuming my mind. I feel fully reponsible that I caused enough pain to her that she could do this https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 10, 2020 Author Share Posted December 10, 2020 Thankyou wiseman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 There has to be way more of a reason than a neglectful grieving fiance to completely leave a whole life behind....I see there's a gap in info posted only Wiseman seems to know. How are the rest of us can help if we're not getting full disclosure of what has happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 On 12/9/2020 at 1:56 PM, Rtkennedy1 said: It didn't have to be done in such a cruel way, and now its been 30 days N feels like day 1. I cant help it, its consuming my mind. I feel fully reponsible that I caused enough pain to her that she could do this I know that you are going through a horrible time regarding your mom, but you need o understand that what your ex did, was wrong. I would love to be able to see the background to your relationship, as I believe there is much selfishness on her part. She sounds awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onderoo Posted December 18, 2020 Share Posted December 18, 2020 I agree with everyone's responses. You won't see this yet as you're still hurting and emotionally invested. But now's the perfect opportunity to review your values and be honest yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who's this solipsistic and bolts the minute a calamity happens? Take the time to heal. If and when she returns. You will then be able to take the advice given and make a healthy assessment as to whether she deserves a second chance with you. Personally, I wouldn't and would tell her to get the next bus back to Carolina. Best of luck, Onderoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 20, 2020 Author Share Posted December 20, 2020 The gap in information is from my other post. She did not like my drinking when I was depressed about my mom. She also drank. Inwasnt drinking bottle after bottle or anything chronic. I simply drank wine at night to help ease my nervs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 I hope you have quit drinking. You may think there was no harm in it, but that is typical of someone who is being dependent on it...denial. When alcohol is being used for coping, that is a bad thing. All you can do for now is do your best with taking care of yourself and counselling. After the holiday season, she will probably contact you. Take it from there and see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 Why do you say after the holiday season? I coped how I coped I wasnt abusive or chronic and she drank as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 6 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: ? I coped how I coped I .she drank as well. If drinking in any way, shape or form (yours or hers) is involved, it would be a great idea to check out the support you could get on Al-Anon and AA. There's a lot of red flags 🚩 here. Drinking daily to "cope", relationship loss, fighting about drinking, job loss, chronic mental health problems,etc. You can blame her forever for your misery, but you are going to have to take responsibility and start helping yourself. You'll need to get serious about medical care and treatment, not just complain "no one is calling you back". The tone overall is it's everyone and everything else causing your misery. Yet.... you are reluctant to seek support for grief, seek support for mental health or look into the role drinking played in your life. She's gone. At some level you know why. She didn't randomly disappear into thin air. When the fog of untreated depression and coping by drinking lifts, you'll see that and regain control of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 I am taking resposibility Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 I am not reluctant in any way. Someone left when I needed them the most Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 10 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Someone left when I needed them the most Did you check out with your mother's care, grief, stress, depression, anxiety and drinking, perhaps when you were "needed"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 No. And this is what I regret. And this is what I'm doing now. And when She did me for her own issues I WAS there-despite the overload of being a caretaker. Perhaps it wasn't enough. Perhaps I toom on too much and was too proud to get the helpni needed before all of this.i still believe in the vow for better or worse and through thick and thin- sickness and health. And I believed or thought she did too. But when the going got tough she got going and I was only trying to stay the course. Again we are talking 2-3 glasses of red wine a night. And not every night. She found out she was hiding xanax from me and definitely took my mothers meds with her when she left. So yes, all these things played a role and I guess I didn't or wasn't capable of giving her EVERYTHING THAT SHE NEEDED. im not trying to be confrontational-again i appreciate Your support but this is still irrational to me the way the situation was handled by her. Have a talk. Have a sit down. Discuss the issues and work out a plan. That is at least what I thought our relationship deserved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 Again. This is traumatic for me and I handled what was thrown at me the best way I could at the time. I respected her to be responsible with her own issues and trusted her on that front. Not just up and leave cruelly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 So, basically...you were there to take care of your dying mom, went through to trauma of seeing your mom suffer, and even more trauma from losing her. You then became depressed and weren't doing so well. Your girlfriend did not understand, wanted to make it more about her and her wants/needs. And being as you weren't in a good place right then, she decided to punish you by up and leaving and ending things. I don't know about your standards, but that's cruel. There are going to be really hard times that come up in a persons life. When those times come, you need a stable partner that understands, that carries the weight for both of you while you are weak, and won't put added pressures on you while you are going through a very hard time. A partner that will still take care of you and be there for you at the end of the day, even if you can barely respond back...they will still understand and love you. That's what a good partner does, a loving partner. This woman was not a good partner. I realize that she may have had needs too. But you know what? She wasn't losing her mother from cancer. She wasn't going through the horror and absolute shock and pain from it. She was not supportive and she was not understanding or patient. It's a very disappointing thing for you, but stop blaming yourself. You deserved a better partner than this. Let her go. She was really selfish and self centered in an incredibly hard time in your life. It's not your fault, it's hers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtkennedy1 Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 Indont put all of the resposibility on her. I gave her everything I could and more. Feel defeated for putting devotion into her the way I did. I remain no contact since mid November. Seeking advice. And have begun professsional help. I still have no ill will towards her. Now that my family and friends know this outcomentheyve forbid me from ever accepting contact from her again, yet that doesn't seem to help the pain. That's up to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 You're having a hard time facing reality and seeing her for who she really is. You just lost your mom, so maybe this is your way of not being able to face another loss right now. And that's okay. You need time to process it all. It's a lot to take in. But at some point, when you're ready, I hope you will see that in your hour of need and at your darkest time, she deserted you. She didn't give you the love and support you needed and she was incredibly selfish and self centered. Take your time. You've been through a rough time. Your still mourning the loss of your mother, so I can understand why this is too much to process as well right now. Take it day by day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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