December No Contact :(

[Rose Mosse]

I'm so glad you're doing okay. Slowly but surely! 

And it always comes in waves... you're not alone. It's the weekend again though! 

[Reflections11]

7 hours ago, DancingFool said:

That's great to hear! Also lots of luck on your job hunt. Hope you find something that you like. That alone will be exciting and get your mind off old things and onto new beginnings. 🙂

Thanks, I think you are right!  A new job will do a lot to break me out of my rut and get me thinking forward again!  Just hope I can find one soon! 

[Reflections11]

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm so glad you're doing okay. Slowly but surely! 

And it always comes in waves... you're not alone. It's the weekend again though! 

Thanks, most of the day was pretty smooth but things got harder this evening for sure.   It is cold and snowy and with covid lockdowns there is nowhere for me to go and nobody for me to go see.  Sitting at home alone on these winter nights makes it harder for me to stop myself from feeling a bit sad and lonely.    Thought about reaching out but don't think that would make me feel any better.   Been thinking about how bad it felt to have him choose someone over me,  been thinking about why it's such a big fear,   realizing (or i guess remembering) that somewhere down there is a deeper fear that I must face - a fear that for some reason I will never be good enough to be anybody's number one choice.   I think it will take some time to work through this root.   

No contact really is so much harder with covid lockdowns.   Having places to go and people to see has always been so instrumental in a rapid recovery for me.   Sitting at home alone just kinda sucks. 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure if this helps but projects around the house help me. I'm refinishing and repurposing older vintage furniture at the moment. I used to do this eons ago and actually sold a few of them. It's a fun home project if you've got old things or if you know friends who have old furniture. I'm also looking at spaces in the house a bit more creatively. I know this is limited in a rental but maybe you can buy a can of paint or a new stain, cover the floor and refinish a coffee table. 

I know I get up to absolutely no good when I'm baking (I end up eating most of it) so I refrain from baking and stay out of the kitchen. lol

Lately I'm just enjoying the quiet a lot. 

Do you play music or an instrument?

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Reflections11 said:

Thanks, most of the day was pretty smooth but things got harder this evening for sure.   It is cold and snowy and with covid lockdowns there is nowhere for me to go and nobody for me to go see.  Sitting at home alone on these winter nights makes it harder for me to stop myself from feeling a bit sad and lonely.    Thought about reaching out but don't think that would make me feel any better.   Been thinking about how bad it felt to have him choose someone over me,  been thinking about why it's such a big fear,   realizing (or i guess remembering) that somewhere down there is a deeper fear that I must face - a fear that for some reason I will never be good enough to be anybody's number one choice.   I think it will take some time to work through this root.   

No contact really is so much harder with covid lockdowns.   Having places to go and people to see has always been so instrumental in a rapid recovery for me.   Sitting at home alone just kinda sucks. 

 

 

But - he never chose you in the first place and he told you so. He told you always he wanted to keep his options open. He always had one foot out the door.  You just chose to tell yourself a fantasy about how he chose you and the problem is now to go along with that fiction you are telling yourself he chose someone instead of you . He didn't.  He always chose "the dream of someone else" (from the movie You've Got Mail).  So your fear is really unfounded.  Because this is not an example of not being good enough to be someone's top choice.  This is an example of you settling for someone who never chose you.  You never went for what you actually wanted so - you actually do not have anything to be afraid of because you never persisted in not settling. .You settled.  It had a lot of benefits for you- I've mentioned that above.  There are no guarantees that you will find someone where you each want to be the other's "one" but there is a guarantee that you will never find that if you waste your time with someone who tells you from the word go that you are not his one.  The "top choice" stuff is a bunch of baloney.  And you know it.

I hope you feel better.  Covid is so hard for everyone in so many ways.  

[Reflections11]

On 12/12/2020 at 11:32 AM, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure if this helps but projects around the house help me. I'm refinishing and repurposing older vintage furniture at the moment. I used to do this eons ago and actually sold a few of them. It's a fun home project if you've got old things or if you know friends who have old furniture. I'm also looking at spaces in the house a bit more creatively. I know this is limited in a rental but maybe you can buy a can of paint or a new stain, cover the floor and refinish a coffee table. 

I know I get up to absolutely no good when I'm baking (I end up eating most of it) so I refrain from baking and stay out of the kitchen. lol

Lately I'm just enjoying the quiet a lot. 

Do you play music or an instrument?

That sounds pretty fun.   I can't really do much house projects in this rental.  But since I'm not moving this month, you have inspired me to actually put up Christmas stuff so that can be a fun project.

You know, I actually do have a guitar in the corner that I haven't touched in like 6 months.   Maybe it's time I picked it back up.   

[Reflections11]

On 12/12/2020 at 2:13 PM, Batya33 said:

But - he never chose you in the first place and he told you so. He told you always he wanted to keep his options open. He always had one foot out the door.  You just chose to tell yourself a fantasy about how he chose you and the problem is now to go along with that fiction you are telling yourself he chose someone instead of you . He didn't.  He always chose "the dream of someone else" (from the movie You've Got Mail).  So your fear is really unfounded.  Because this is not an example of not being good enough to be someone's top choice.  This is an example of you settling for someone who never chose you.  You never went for what you actually wanted so - you actually do not have anything to be afraid of because you never persisted in not settling. .You settled. 

I really needed to hear this.  And read it a few times over the last couple days.  I definitely settled.  In so many ways.  We aren't even really that compatible personality wise.   I just enjoyed the chase i guess.  He did help me grow in areas I was very weak and helped me with a lot of things in life, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.  But definitely not even very compatible.  I definitely settled in a lot of ways.  

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Reflections11 said:

That sounds pretty fun.   I can't really do much house projects in this rental.  But since I'm not moving this month, you have inspired me to actually put up Christmas stuff so that can be a fun project.

You know, I actually do have a guitar in the corner that I haven't touched in like 6 months.   Maybe it's time I picked it back up.   

Decorating can be really fun. 

A friend sent me a photo of his Christmas tree which was a print of a tree on a canvas sheet hung up from a beam in his apartment. It sounds ridiculous and I laughed but it was done really well with the lights decoration all around. A new way of having a tree! 

I love real trees. Actually any kind of trees. I was driving the other day and about to merge and saw a lonely brown Charlie Brown looking tree decked out in tinsel and balls on the highway. Made me smile that some good folk actually went through the trouble of decorating it for all. 

Yes, enjoy the guitar! Music is a great uplifter especially if you can play.

 

 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Reflections11 said:

I really needed to hear this.  And read it a few times over the last couple days.  I definitely settled.  In so many ways.  We aren't even really that compatible personality wise.   I just enjoyed the chase i guess.  He did help me grow in areas I was very weak and helped me with a lot of things in life, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.  But definitely not even very compatible.  I definitely settled in a lot of ways.  

I'm glad this resonated with you.  I do know of couples who remain over the moon with each other just like that initial rush - forever it seems -or so they say lol (there are some in the former category and some who are Social Media over the moon) but I think most couples get comfy and familiar with each other, I think most couples aren't over the moon excited to see each other like at first -in part because there is that solid foundation so that "will he call" aspect is not there.  But even in those lulls there's the memory of the za za za zoom as Carrie used to say on Sex and the City.  And in happy couples they're both motivated to keep that alive or at least motivated to follow the other's lead at times in keeping it alive - like when one spouse is exhausted/stressed and not really thinking of romance.  But the thing is - to keep things happy and positive you both have to feel a sense of excitement and joy even though you have each other -even though there's no real thrill of the chase - not like in the beginning anyway. 

 

If you go for unavailable people over and over it gets harder and harder to even get into that mindset and heartset of being excited by someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.  You will know technically -since none of us can date everyone on the planet (I stopped at about half maybe?) that there "could be" someone "even better" out there but it won't phase you.  Your friends might tell you about some hottie who is now single or some hottie from your past will contact you and put out feelers and.... you might be slightly flattered, you might even think about what it was like in the past to date that person - but you're not going to be motivated in the least to stray and certainly not in a "grass is always greener" kind of thing .

Because you'll feel so solid and strong and at peace with choosing your SO that it will be a blip on the radar if that.  It will be irrelevant that there could be someone else. 

 

Your ex- it was forefront on his mind -keeping his options open -he didn't want to miss out on any opportunity to date someone who might be "even better" -he was still shopping as my friend used to say.  And someone who closes off their options because they're told to -well - sure - I guess couples can negotiate that -if the benefits of closing doors outweighs the downsides -but that person is not really yours. 

I knew a guy like that -and I think he's still married - we dated, he ended things, he got engaged to someone and told me that each day he felt happier to have chosen her and stopped looking around.  I believe she'd given him an ultimatum. Really? I mean don't you want someone who would commit after being totally comfortable with closing those doors not before?  Just consider it and consider whether you truly think you're ready to be excited by someone you want but who also wants you.

[Reflections11]

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Decorating can be really fun. 

A friend sent me a photo of his Christmas tree which was a print of a tree on a canvas sheet hung up from a beam in his apartment. It sounds ridiculous and I laughed but it was done really well with the lights decoration all around. A new way of having a tree! 

I love real trees. Actually any kind of trees. I was driving the other day and about to merge and saw a lonely brown Charlie Brown looking tree decked out in tinsel and balls on the highway. Made me smile that some good folk actually went through the trouble of decorating it for all. 

Yes, enjoy the guitar! Music is a great uplifter especially if you can play.

 

 

Yeah i'm not very good at playing guitar lol.   But i actually really like it.  I've found that when my ADD is really bad, I can somehow still focus really well on guitar.  Maybe it uses a different part of my brain.  I think that also goes with anxiety.  I've had a lot of generalized anxiety lately, i think due to work and covid.   It kinda sucks.   Guitar may be a good thing to focus on this winter.   Thanks! 

[Reflections11]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad this resonated with you.  I do know of couples who remain over the moon with each other just like that initial rush - forever it seems -or so they say lol (there are some in the former category and some who are Social Media over the moon) but I think most couples get comfy and familiar with each other, I think most couples aren't over the moon excited to see each other like at first -in part because there is that solid foundation so that "will he call" aspect is not there.  But even in those lulls there's the memory of the za za za zoom as Carrie used to say on Sex and the City.  And in happy couples they're both motivated to keep that alive or at least motivated to follow the other's lead at times in keeping it alive - like when one spouse is exhausted/stressed and not really thinking of romance.  But the thing is - to keep things happy and positive you both have to feel a sense of excitement and joy even though you have each other -even though there's no real thrill of the chase - not like in the beginning anyway. 

 

If you go for unavailable people over and over it gets harder and harder to even get into that mindset and heartset of being excited by someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.  You will know technically -since none of us can date everyone on the planet (I stopped at about half maybe?) that there "could be" someone "even better" out there but it won't phase you.  Your friends might tell you about some hottie who is now single or some hottie from your past will contact you and put out feelers and.... you might be slightly flattered, you might even think about what it was like in the past to date that person - but you're not going to be motivated in the least to stray and certainly not in a "grass is always greener" kind of thing .

Because you'll feel so solid and strong and at peace with choosing your SO that it will be a blip on the radar if that.  It will be irrelevant that there could be someone else. 

 

Your ex- it was forefront on his mind -keeping his options open -he didn't want to miss out on any opportunity to date someone who might be "even better" -he was still shopping as my friend used to say.  And someone who closes off their options because they're told to -well - sure - I guess couples can negotiate that -if the benefits of closing doors outweighs the downsides -but that person is not really yours. 

I knew a guy like that -and I think he's still married - we dated, he ended things, he got engaged to someone and told me that each day he felt happier to have chosen her and stopped looking around.  I believe she'd given him an ultimatum. Really? I mean don't you want someone who would commit after being totally comfortable with closing those doors not before?  Just consider it and consider whether you truly think you're ready to be excited by someone you want but who also wants you.

Thank you for sharing all this.  Gave me a lot to think about.  Imagine giving someone an ultimatum to commit to you.  How would you ever really know that they wouldn't cheat on you afterwards?   And yet that was kinda the same thing I was doing with that guy when I was freaking out and wanting to know he wouldn't choose that girl over me.   

I did have my options open at the start, though he started getting a bit jealous (or something) and wanted to start limiting who I could see outside of him.  I didn't really mind, and I naturally stopped chasing other people because it made me feel secure and i liked him enough to not wonder what else better was out there.   So stupid.  Never commit to someone who hasn't equally committed to you LOL.    

Now though.... after being so focused on him for so long, my "even better" sensor is turning back on.   In a different way though.  Who am I more compatible with?  Who shows equal interest in me?     it may take a while.   For now I think my plan is to start focusing on living my best life and seeing who shows up.   

Today is interesting.  I'm starting to want to move on and be over it more than I want to get back to where we were.  

[boltnrun]

My ex wanted to sleep with whoever he wanted but expected me to be 100 percent faithful to him. Not because he loved me but because he wanted me to be available to him at all times.

It was BS.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Reflections11 said:

Thank you for sharing all this.  Gave me a lot to think about.  Imagine giving someone an ultimatum to commit to you.  How would you ever really know that they wouldn't cheat on you afterwards?   And yet that was kinda the same thing I was doing with that guy when I was freaking out and wanting to know he wouldn't choose that girl over me.   

I did have my options open at the start, though he started getting a bit jealous (or something) and wanted to start limiting who I could see outside of him.  I didn't really mind, and I naturally stopped chasing other people because it made me feel secure and i liked him enough to not wonder what else better was out there.   So stupid.  Never commit to someone who hasn't equally committed to you LOL.    

Now though.... after being so focused on him for so long, my "even better" sensor is turning back on.   In a different way though.  Who am I more compatible with?  Who shows equal interest in me?     it may take a while.   For now I think my plan is to start focusing on living my best life and seeing who shows up.   

Today is interesting.  I'm starting to want to move on and be over it more than I want to get back to where we were.  

I wouldn't analyze too much in a vacuum -when it's safe get out there and pick things you like to do that involve interacting with other people -it's the simplest way to be around people you're more likely to have things in common with . One friend met his wife through bike riding (he posted an activity partner ad on craigslist), another married her salsa dancing instructor (she was a former ballerina), and my other friend met his wife when he had a skiing accident and she rescued him.  OK the last one is a lie -I share that because they met through a dating site in the late 1990s and she was embarrassed at how they met.  So I wrote a long poem in honor of their wedding telling the story of how they met through the skiing accident.  My friend does not ski.  They loved it.

But seriously you have to be around people who are your people - and then people will introduce you to other people.  That plus the piece I mentioned of not needing the "high" from having to chase someone who is unavailable or unavailable to you.

[Reflections11]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex wanted to sleep with whoever he wanted but expected me to be 100 percent faithful to him. Not because he loved me but because he wanted me to be available to him at all times.

It was BS.

ugh that sucks.    At least my guy only expected me to be 50% faithful to him lol.   Still im looking back on myself now and thinking wtf LOL

[DancingFool]

Often when we chase someone who is not fully available, it's because we ourselves are not fully available either on some level. Food for thought and something to dig into within yourself and resolve.

[Reflections11]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But seriously you have to be around people who are your people - and then people will introduce you to other people.  That plus the piece I mentioned of not needing the "high" from having to chase someone who is unavailable or unavailable to you.

Yeah.  This is totally true.    It's just... not really a possibility anytime soon.   Maybe in the spring/summer.  Its gonna be kind of a lonely winter.  

As for the high of chasing someone unavailable....that's gonna take some work lol.  Definitely an important piece of the puzzle though.  

[Reflections11]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Often when we chase someone who is not fully available, it's because we ourselves are not fully available either on some level. Food for thought and something to dig into within yourself and resolve.

Yeah.   That's always been an issue.   This guy was the first person I think I ever really fully opened up to.  And it took years.   But at least I learned to do that, so maybe I can work on being a little more emotionally open and available in general.   We will see though lol.  

[Reflections11]

I'm really struggling tonight. 

I feel pretty unlovable.  I feel like no matter what i do, nobody is ever gonna choose me.  I feel broken like I'm always only gonna chase after people who dont want me.   I feel like nobody is every gonna really want me and it really hurts. 

I feel like i'm not good enough for love.  And I'm cursed to watch everyone around me find it easily while i drown in loneliness. 

Life just sucks.  And the covid lockdown... it makes everything so much harder.   

I feel like i'm just not good enough for love 😞 😞 😞

But everyone else is. 

I just want to give up.  

I think i need some help tonight.    I feel broken and unlovable.  😞   

 

 

[Spawn]

replace lonely with you are spending time with your self doing your own stuff. So what did you do for yourself today?

[boltnrun]

You believe that lowering your standards will increase your chances of finding "love". But as you've found, it's the opposite. 

Your first paragraph says it all. You can't find love because you keep pursuing the wrong people. You are self sabotaging.  Why is that? Is it because you don't believe you deserve someone who loves you and only you?

Will you consider some kind of talk therapy? There are lots of online options. Less formal, more comfortable and convenient than office visits. You seem despondent and some therapy might be very helpful.

Be kind to yourself. Why not? We all should be kind to ourselves.

[Batya33]

On 12/14/2020 at 10:19 PM, Reflections11 said:

Thank you for sharing all this.  Gave me a lot to think about.  Imagine giving someone an ultimatum to commit to you.  How would you ever really know that they wouldn't cheat on you afterwards?   And yet that was kinda the same thing I was doing with that guy when I was freaking out and wanting to know he wouldn't choose that girl over me.   

I did have my options open at the start, though he started getting a bit jealous (or something) and wanted to start limiting who I could see outside of him.  I didn't really mind, and I naturally stopped chasing other people because it made me feel secure and i liked him enough to not wonder what else better was out there.   So stupid.  Never commit to someone who hasn't equally committed to you LOL.    

Now though.... after being so focused on him for so long, my "even better" sensor is turning back on.   In a different way though.  Who am I more compatible with?  Who shows equal interest in me?     it may take a while.   For now I think my plan is to start focusing on living my best life and seeing who shows up.   

Today is interesting.  I'm starting to want to move on and be over it more than I want to get back to where we were.  

I wouldn't analyze too much in a vacuum -when it's safe get out there and pick things you like to do that involve interacting with other people -it's the simplest way to be around people you're more likely to have things in common with . One friend met his wife through bike riding (he posted an activity partner ad on craigslist), another married her salsa dancing instructor (she was a former ballerina), and my other friend met his wife when he had a skiing accident and she rescued him.  OK the last one is a lie -I share that because they met through a dating site in the late 1990s and she was embarrassed at how they met.  So I wrote a long poem in honor of their wedding telling the story of how they met through the skiing accident.  My friend does not ski.  They loved it.

But seriously you have to be around people who are your people - and then people will introduce you to other people.  That plus the piece I mentioned of not needing the "high" from having to chase someone who is unavailable or unavailable to you.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fancy like being "emotionally available" -you were very available to your ex - too available.  The "work" is about action not navel gazing.  The work is doing actions that affirm and reaffirm your worth (watch the joy luck club movie -great scene about knowing your worth).  Like, I listened to a friend the other night who is having serious marital issues. I just listened.  Really that's all.  I didn't give too much specific input because I am not a therapist. 

The next day she asked me if I could tell her the brand name of a certain dried fruit I love that is now on a covid-shortage apparently -she said maybe she could find it in her state and send it to me.  I declined of course but the point is - when you show up for people in a reasonably secure and confident way, they want to be around you, they want to make you a priority, they remember the little things you mentioned like a dried fruit shortage! I didn't have to jump through hoops for her or show her how awesomely awesome I am at giving advice. 

When people see that you value yourself, and that you show up for them in a way that says "yes I'm a busy person, my life is hectic but you are my friend and you need a friend right now at this time so I will prioritize you because..... I know you'd do the same for me" -you dont' say that but you both know it- that person knows it's reciprocal, knows you're not saying "you need me??? how high should I jump??" even though that person wouldn't given you a second thought were the tables turned.  

[Rose Mosse]

Hope you're enjoying the day! 

[Reflections11]

I'm not doing great, work is absolutely destroying me the last couple weeks. I'll be up late into the night trying to finish projects.    Hopefully after tomorrow I can take some time off and calm down, and then start dealing with things.  I'll check back in after i get through this week.  Thanks all! 

[Rose Mosse]

13 hours ago, Reflections11 said:

I'm not doing great, work is absolutely destroying me the last couple weeks. I'll be up late into the night trying to finish projects.    Hopefully after tomorrow I can take some time off and calm down, and then start dealing with things.  I'll check back in after i get through this week.  Thanks all! 

Okay! Get some rest. Hope things calm down soon and you can coast.