December No Contact :(

[boltnrun]

I was in a somewhat similar situation, where the guy I was dating also saw other women. He eventually chose one of the other women over me because she told him "Either I'm the only one or I'm walking away". He then dumped me unceremoniously. When it came down to it, he found her more alluring because she wouldn't stand for being one of his harem.

 

He told me later that he had no respect for me because I allowed him to treat me poorly and didn't stand up for myself. Accepting that situation made me unattractive to him. And why should he respect me when I obviously didn't respect myself?

 

You do not have to settle for being someone's one of many. I mean, think about how you'd feel when you try to see him and he says he can't because his girlfriend is spending the weekend. He already asked you to leave so he could be alone with her!

 

Telling him you're willing to be his second choice (or one of his choices) will not attract him back. Likely the opposite.

[Reflections11]

He never wanted you ever in the way you wanted him.He did not want to be committed to you. You wanted to be committed to him. Yes he was harsh at the end but every single day you were with him the subtext was that you wanted him more than he wanted you. He knew this. It's not a way to keep a spark going -it's a turn off to be with someone who is settling. So when he met her he did see potential for something serious and committed so he had to focus only on her. The way he went about it was not classy at all and I'm sorry you experienced that. You will not meet someone like him because part of what you liked was his unavailability to you -kept you on your toes. You will if you want a commitment have to be a person who is excited by another person even though he wants you too in the same way. This was easier for you because you knew you'd never have him -as far as just you and him -so you didn't have to risk being totally vulnerable to him the way people are in a committed relationship.

 

Well... damn... you....completely called me out...

I don't know what to do with that though. I don't know how to fix that.

[Reflections11]

I was in a somewhat similar situation, where the guy I was dating also saw other women. He eventually chose one of the other women over me because she told him "Either I'm the only one or I'm walking away". He then dumped me unceremoniously. When it came down to it, he found her more alluring because she wouldn't stand for being one of his harem.

 

He told me later that he had no respect for me because I allowed him to treat me poorly and didn't stand up for myself. Accepting that situation made me unattractive to him. And why should he respect me when I obviously didn't respect myself?

 

You do not have to settle for being someone's one of many. I mean, think about how you'd feel when you try to see him and he says he can't because his girlfriend is spending the weekend. He already asked you to leave so he could be alone with her!

 

Telling him you're willing to be his second choice (or one of his choices) will not attract him back. Likely the opposite.

 

Thank you for sharing this story. It feels very applicable and helps me see the bigger picture a bit more.

And also, why should i settle to be one of his many choices, when i deserve to be someone's #1 choice.

 

The problem is, sometimes it feels like there is nobody good who wants me as their number 1 choice.

[Reflections11]

Thank you for all the insightful comments you guys. You are helping me reveal a lot about my own patterns. How easily I chased and committed to someone who was never going to commit to me.

 

How even now, I am longing for someone who probably doesnt care because he chose someone else over me and is happy.

 

How weak my self esteem must have been to allow myself to be someone's one of many choices, instead of their commited #1.

 

This is important to understand. But it... just all hurts. Even knowing all this, I just still miss him, and it feels like it will never get any better. It just all hurts so much.

 

I feel broken :(

[Batya33]

Well... damn... you....completely called me out...

I don't know what to do with that though. I don't know how to fix that.

 

I used to be excited by and even pursue unavailable people. One of them ended up proposing to me but by then it was too late. We each married the same year many years later and each married a man so I guess it's good I declined his proposal. Anyway you have to become the right person to find the right person -a person who is self-honest and doesn't settle, a person who is not in love with love or infatuation or the thrill of the chase but who genuinely wants to be close to someone who wants to reciprocate. Where excitement is not based on chasing/unavailability but on being challenged/kept on one's toes for good reasons -because you have chemistry, stimulating conversations (or, you know you can), shared laughter, common goals and values - you inspire each other to be better people especially because you bring different qualities to the table - I think that is good -I'm a Type A who married a Type B, a coffee drinker who married a non-coffee drinker and a non-Trekkie who married a Trekkie. So now I am a wee bit more type B, I like some Star Trek and he sometimes will rush around. But still no coffee......

 

I think it's hard to meet the right person and there are no guarantees. I was serious with someone for years who told me bluntly, when we met, he hadn't been seriously involved with more than one or two people because he simply didn't know what he brought to the table. At that time he was 32. He's now been happily married for a year longer than me -we each married in our 40s.

 

It's ok to Take the Long Way Around (Dixie Chicks now known as The Chicks) - more than ok. You might not meet the right person but you won't for sure if you don't think you deserve it.

[boltnrun]

Thank you for sharing this story. It feels very applicable and helps me see the bigger picture a bit more.

And also, why should i settle to be one of his many choices, when i deserve to be someone's #1 choice.

 

The problem is, sometimes it feels like there is nobody good who wants me as their number 1 choice.

 

As long as you continue to pursue men who treat you this way you won't find that someone.

 

Change your behavior and upgrade your standards and you have a much better chance of finding the right man for you.

[Reflections11]

I used to be excited by and even pursue unavailable people. One of them ended up proposing to me but by then it was too late. We each married the same year many years later and each married a man so I guess it's good I declined his proposal. Anyway you have to become the right person to find the right person -a person who is self-honest and doesn't settle, a person who is not in love with love or infatuation or the thrill of the chase but who genuinely wants to be close to someone who wants to reciprocate. Where excitement is not based on chasing/unavailability but on being challenged/kept on one's toes for good reasons -because you have chemistry, stimulating conversations (or, you know you can), shared laughter, common goals and values - you inspire each other to be better people especially because you bring different qualities to the table - I think that is good -I'm a Type A who married a Type B, a coffee drinker who married a non-coffee drinker and a non-Trekkie who married a Trekkie. So now I am a wee bit more type B, I like some Star Trek and he sometimes will rush around. But still no coffee......

 

I think it's hard to meet the right person and there are no guarantees. I was serious with someone for years who told me bluntly, when we met, he hadn't been seriously involved with more than one or two people because he simply didn't know what he brought to the table. At that time he was 32. He's now been happily married for a year longer than me -we each married in our 40s.

 

It's ok to Take the Long Way Around (Dixie Chicks now known as The Chicks) - more than ok. You might not meet the right person but you won't for sure if you don't think you deserve it.

 

Thats a cool story. I definitely have a history of chasing unavailable people. To be fair, me and the guy had a lot of those qualities and chemistry you listed. Just.. not the important one of mutually desire for commitment apparently LOL. I guess I have to learn how to find something mutual, and stop the rush of the chase.

 

I hope I can move forward from this "relationship" and improve and find someone for me someday.

[Reflections11]

As long as you continue to pursue men who treat you this way you won't find that someone.

 

Change your behavior and upgrade your standards and you have a much better chance of finding the right man for you.

 

Good advice. Or i'm just alone forever lol.

[Reflections11]

Well... Day 3 was... brutal. A ton of longing. An endless desire to make contact. This overwhelming craving. It's like a drug withdrawal. NC sounds easy but it is so hard.

 

Tonight though, I'm actually feeling pretty good. This is the first couple hours I've felt ok about things in over a week. Maybe I'm just tired of caring. I'm sure the emotions will come back with a vengeance by morning, but it feels nice to not care for once about what he's doing, or if I can make it work, or if he's even worth it, or any of that. Had a great workout at the gym. Looking forward to an exciting weekend. Gonna try to stay as active as possible for the next few days. Tired of being stuck in my head wondering.

 

Having these couple hours of feeling ok, and not really caring as much anymore... as temporary as this brief pause in the storm probably is, it gives me hope that at some point I can feel ok again.

 

I knew these first three days would be brutal, and they were. I'm hoping the next three will be a little better since i can go out and have fun.

 

Thanks for the help and advice, everyone. I'll check in tomorrow with Day 4.

[Batya33]

It's totally ok to feel what you feel. I am feeling nervous about a work project. I am reacting to those feelings by making plans to start on the project so that the more I get done the calmer I will feel. But I am not trying to control those feelings. Why would I?

 

I hope you continue to feel better but it's ok if the feelings come -choose how to react in your best interests. I'm so glad you worked out -wonderful antidote!!

[Reflections11]

Welcome to Day 4 of No Contact. Man the first three days were rough.

 

I was feeling pretty good at the end of day 3, though fully expecting the emotions to hit me again hard at the start of day 4. And they did indeed hit me. But on Day 3 they hit like a tsunami. Today it was more like a big strong wave. And just an ever present undercurrent trying to pull me back in. The thing I woke up missing was the friendship. Say what you want about the "relationship" we were really awesome friends for a long time. It's scary to lose that friendship, he was my mentor in a million ways too.

 

Oh well. I'm actually, surprisngly, feeling really good today. If 40% of me is saying "man i miss him, i hope he will reach out today, is he thinking about me" i'd say 60% right now is saying "Yeah, you know what, I don't really care."

 

Feeling good about myself, a lot better than I expected to this early in the game. Though I'm aware they may just be moments of calm in the big storm, the goal will be to have those moments of calm more often, and for longer periods of time. So I think just feeling this way right now is a good sign.

 

Spent three days moping a lot, and a lot of analyzing feelings and behaviors. Thinking about him, me, and what happened.

Looking forward to trying to spend the next three days doing the opposite. Staying outdoors, being active, trying to have fun, and just staying busy and engaged enough that I don't obsess over him.

 

Feeling good so far this morning! Won't let him bring me down!!!

[Reflections11]

It's totally ok to feel what you feel. I am feeling nervous about a work project. I am reacting to those feelings by making plans to start on the project so that the more I get done the calmer I will feel. But I am not trying to control those feelings. Why would I?

 

I hope you continue to feel better but it's ok if the feelings come -choose how to react in your best interests. I'm so glad you worked out -wonderful antidote!!

 

Yup. Good comparison. Trying to control my feelings wont do any good, I'm just letting them happen. I feel trying to control them is what makes they grow and how people get stuck in them.

 

Yes, I have found in the past, fitness is a really important element of No Contact. Releases the energy, fills me with endorphins, and then as I start to look better, I start to feel more confident as well. And then as that happens, i start to turn more heads lol

[Rose Mosse]

Welcome to Day 4 of No Contact. Man the first three days were rough.

 

I was feeling pretty good at the end of day 3, though fully expecting the emotions to hit me again hard at the start of day 4. And they did indeed hit me. But on Day 3 they hit like a tsunami. Today it was more like a big strong wave. And just an ever present undercurrent trying to pull me back in. The thing I woke up missing was the friendship. Say what you want about the "relationship" we were really awesome friends for a long time. It's scary to lose that friendship, he was my mentor in a million ways too.

 

Oh well. I'm actually, surprisngly, feeling really good today. If 40% of me is saying "man i miss him, i hope he will reach out today, is he thinking about me" i'd say 60% right now is saying "Yeah, you know what, I don't really care."

 

Feeling good about myself, a lot better than I expected to this early in the game. Though I'm aware they may just be moments of calm in the big storm, the goal will be to have those moments of calm more often, and for longer periods of time. So I think just feeling this way right now is a good sign.

 

Spent three days moping a lot, and a lot of analyzing feelings and behaviors. Thinking about him, me, and what happened.

Looking forward to trying to spend the next three days doing the opposite. Staying outdoors, being active, trying to have fun, and just staying busy and engaged enough that I don't obsess over him.

 

Feeling good so far this morning! Won't let him bring me down!!!

 

Excellent.

 

Yes, losing a friendship out of a relationship is difficult. But. More friends will come.

 

I think you're doing great.

[Reflections11]

Excellent.

 

Yes, losing a friendship out of a relationship is difficult. But. More friends will come.

 

I think you're doing great.

 

Thank you! I remember the morning of Day 1.... Day 4 seemed like it would be an amazing accomplishment. I think it is!

On one hand, I still don't feel like I've walked very far from what happened yet. It's like a car wreck. I'm not in the car, but I can still feel the heat from the smoldering flames.

But on the other hand I'm surprised I'm feeling this good today.

Two voices in my head. "I wonder when he will reach out to me?" "actually... who cares, it doesnt matter"

 

lol. I'll be patient with myself, i'm sure there will be ups and downs today and this weekend.

[Rose Mosse]

You may still find yourself fluctuating for awhile. That's all very normal. Take the bad with the good - all of you. It's a good feeling at the end of the day when you're able to face your worst fears, darkest emotions and all the insecurities that come with a break up. Don't fight it. Embrace all of it, every high and low.

 

It's a re-introduction to yourself. Very positive.

 

Keep up with the work outs! Those endorphins are so good. Check in with friends and family.

[Reflections11]

It's a good feeling at the end of the day when you're able to face your worst fears, darkest emotions and all the insecurities that come with a break up. Don't fight it. Embrace all of it, every high and low.

 

Oh man right, my exact fear and biggest insecurity happened right in my face, hours after i confessed it, in a terrible way.

So crazy LOL

Maybe from now on I will choose people that this wont be an option with.

[DancingFool]

Oh man right, my exact fear and biggest insecurity happened right in my face, hours after i confessed it, in a terrible way.

So crazy LOL

Maybe from now on I will choose people that this wont be an option with.

 

I sure hope so because you seem like a cool and a good guy and do deserve better....you just need to find that courage to demand more and better out of life and especially out of relationships.

 

This is really one of those experiences that can be a very positive turning point. You lived your biggest fear and....life goes on. Sure, right now you are riding through these painful emotions, but.....those few hours of peace you felt will turn into more hours and more until it's just peace. There is power and strength in going through this and coming out the other side just fine. Think on that. You are much stronger than you realize.

[Reflections11]

Was feeling good and confident most of the morning. Around mid day - a wave of sadness came. It was pretty vague this time, just an overall empty longing. I didn't resist it, I just let it wash over me, let myself feel it, took a nap.

 

I knew it would come. And it sucks, but still pretty mild relative to most of the emotions I've been feeling in the last 8 days or so. Let them come. If i could survive the intense ones, I can make it through these milder waves.

 

Looking forward to getting out and about today. Do something fun and get out of my head.

[Reflections11]

I sure hope so because you seem like a cool and a good guy and do deserve better....you just need to find that courage to demand more and better out of life and especially out of relationships.

 

Aw thank you. That is really nice of you to say, and really nice to hear. I hope it's true.

 

This is really one of those experiences that can be a very positive turning point. You lived your biggest fear and....life goes on. Sure, right now you are riding through these painful emotions, but.....those few hours of peace you felt will turn into more hours and more until it's just peace. There is power and strength in going through this and coming out the other side just fine. Think on that. You are much stronger than you realize.

 

I appreciate hearing this. It would be great if this could be a turning point. I have to stick with NC and keep putting in the work on myself. Patterns tend to stick unless we actively change them. I appreciate you saying I am stronger than I realize. I have felt unbelievably weak through most of this, but I am pushing forward, working to build myself up. I hope I can spend more of this weekend feeling positive and engaged instead of sad and depressed.

[DancingFool]

Aw thank you. That is really nice of you to say, and really nice to hear. I hope it's true.

 

 

 

I appreciate hearing this. It would be great if this could be a turning point. I have to stick with NC and keep putting in the work on myself. Patterns tend to stick unless we actively change them. I appreciate you saying I am stronger than I realize. I have felt unbelievably weak through most of this, but I am pushing forward, working to build myself up. I hope I can spend more of this weekend feeling positive and engaged instead of sad and depressed.

 

Whether it's a turning point for not is entirely up to you. :)

 

The reason I say that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for is...... You found the self respect to walk away when he treated you so callously even if walking away hurts like a mofo and you miss the good times. Still you had the power to say "this is not acceptable to me." That's strength. You want to reach out, but you aren't and instead you are posting here, leaning on friends, getting through this pain and planning on healthy things to do for yourself to help yourself deal and heal. That's real strength. You've got this even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

[Rose Mosse]

Was feeling good and confident most of the morning. Around mid day - a wave of sadness came. It was pretty vague this time, just an overall empty longing. I didn't resist it, I just let it wash over me, let myself feel it, took a nap.

 

I knew it would come. And it sucks, but still pretty mild relative to most of the emotions I've been feeling in the last 8 days or so. Let them come. If i could survive the intense ones, I can make it through these milder waves.

 

Looking forward to getting out and about today. Do something fun and get out of my head.

 

I logged in just to check in on you. Yes, you got this!

 

Let them come then. One day at a time.

[Reflections11]

Whether it's a turning point for not is entirely up to you. :)

 

The reason I say that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for is...... You found the self respect to walk away when he treated you so callously even if walking away hurts like a mofo and you miss the good times. Still you had the power to say "this is not acceptable to me." That's strength. You want to reach out, but you aren't and instead you are posting here, leaning on friends, getting through this pain and planning on healthy things to do for yourself to help yourself deal and heal. That's real strength. You've got this even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 

Thank you so much. You have no idea how amazing this was for me to read. It definitely powered me through my day, probably through my weekend. I will keep coming back on this when I feel too weak.

[Reflections11]

I logged in just to check in on you. Yes, you got this!

 

Let them come then. One day at a time.

 

Thank you for checking on me! I think Day 4 is almost over and I am still here surviving!

[Reflections11]

Day 4 has been a lot better than the first three days for sure. I actually went out, threw myself back into an old hobby that I loved, made some new friends. A guy even asked for my number LOL.

 

Pretty excited about this weekend. The stars have aligned this weekend for me to potentially accomplish something that has been a HUGE goal of mine for years. It will be a lot of fun, but will require a lot of focus too. I'm super excited, and I think it will be hard for me to spend too much time thinking about or moping over this guy this weekend if I want to make this awesome dream come true. I hope I will keep meeting a lot of new people in the process too.

 

Overall, Day 4 went a lot better than I expected. I still feel the pain, it hasn't stopped, but today it's more like music playing in the background, instead of a movie I'm watching on a bigscreen TV. There have been a few waves of emotion, and when they come I had to just stop and let them happen, but that seems to help them pass a bit easier too I think.

 

Been an interesting day. A lot of good things have happened. Hopefully it will be a really fun weekend and I can spend a lot less time thinking about him. The urge to reach out has still been occurring, but it has been a lot easier to resist today because I have way better things to focus on.

 

Thanks for all the support, I will keep you all updated with my progress. Some really great beautiful souls on this forum :)

[LootieTootie]

Day 4 has been a lot better than the first three days for sure. I actually went out, threw myself back into an old hobby that I loved, made some new friends. A guy even asked for my number LOL.

 

Score!

 

Break ups are always hard and I can't even imagined having to do it during covid- sure it's even more tough. But you are doing everything right so far and I applaud you.