December No Contact :(

[Rose Mosse]

Something I'd probably keep in mind as well is that he is with someone else. As painful as that is, that would squash any desire for me to contact someone. It seems to set off an internal gag reflex I can't control. This wasn't just a break up in the conventional sense. He really demonstrated how little you meant to him.

 

Of course he's entitled to his own happiness.

 

But so are you.

 

The peculiar thing about this situation is that your worst fear came true - being replaced. That was with no qualms, hardly a squeak or a dribble, right before you as casually as if he was replacing a lightbulb.

 

How could you look at someone like this the same way again? Give yourself time to process.

[Batya33]

Anytime that I feel the urge to reach out and make contact, I am asking myself

 

"Do you think you could have a conversation with him today without feeling even worse than you already do right now?"

 

As long as the answer is "No", i know there is no reason to reach out.

 

As lousy as I feel today, I know any conversation with him would just make me feel even worse.

 

Yes especially if he is there and he either screens your call or is short with you.

[Reflections11]

Something I'd probably keep in mind as well is that he is with someone else. As painful as that is, that would squash any desire for me to contact someone. It seems to set off an internal gag reflex I can't control. This wasn't just a break up in the conventional sense. He really demonstrated how little you meant to him.

 

Yeah, he invited me over and as soon as she showed up unannounced he knocked me out of the way running to her (figuratively lol)

 

 

The peculiar thing about this situation is that your worst fear came true - being replaced. That was with no qualms, hardly a squeak or a dribble, right before you as casually as if he was replacing a lightbulb.

 

How could you look at someone like this the same way again? Give yourself time to process.

 

Thats true. That very morning I told him I have always had a big insecurity that guys would always choose a girl over me. Less than 10 hours later, he literally did it. In front of me. In the most painful way. My worst fear came true, right in front of me, and he didn't even blink.

 

It .... hurts.... so much :( :( :( :(

[Reflections11]

Yes especially if he is there and he either screens your call or is short with you.

 

He would definitely be short with me. Any message I send him in the next 10 days, he will respond poorly to.

[Reflections11]

This is going to sound ridiculous but there are two parts of my brain working right now.

 

The logical part - which knows this is never gonna get better, and knows I shouldn't put up with it. This part says "cut it all, never look back, move on" This part is smart.

 

The emotional part - which really wants to reconnect with him. This part says "you can reconnect and build back up, you won't be top place in his life but he will still make some room for you because you are involved in so many things together." That voice says any message i send him in the next week will infuriate him. But if i wait two weeks, I will be able to reconnect.

 

The logical part says - Yes, that is true, but you will just repeat the pattern. Either way, fine, wait that 14 days to reconnect, once you have gone a week or so and your self esteem starts rising you will realize there is no reason to.

 

Basically, i know moving on permanently is the only solution. Emotionally I really want to reach out and reconnect, but there is no chance for that to work if i make any contact in the next couple weeks. But I know reconneting will just get me right back into this situation lol. It's like a longer term version of the "wait two days" game.

 

Man this all sucks so much.

[Rose Mosse]

It happened, right? Your worst fear. There it was. In broad daylight. You said it and it happened.

 

My ex's worst fear happened too. He feared I would leave him and I did. But I did it because I realized he didn't have enough faith in the marriage (one of several reasons).

 

If you need to build yourself back up... do it. You don't need anyone else's permission to know and feel that you deserve something so much better than your worst fear. Life is made up of a lot of things, not just our fears. I think fears have a way of coming to life too if we can't face them.

 

If you feel like you're in competition constantly with women or the opposite sex, that's something you have to face. That insecurity will eat you up alive and keep repeating itself until you're exhausted of everything and everyone.

 

Somewhere in you is a person that isn't afraid.

[boltnrun]

Keep in mind, you survived your worst fear.

 

Give yourself some credit. Also, remember to be kind to yourself, whatever that means to you.

[Reflections11]

It happened, right? Your worst fear. There it was. In broad daylight. You said it and it happened. [/Quote]

 

It did! Less than 12 hours after I told him about it. Why did that happen?

 

 

If you need to build yourself back up... do it. You don't need anyone else's permission to know and feel that you deserve something so much better than your worst fear. Life is made up of a lot of things, not just our fears. I think fears have a way of coming to life too if we can't face them.

 

If you feel like you're in competition constantly with women or the opposite sex, that's something you have to face. That insecurity will eat you up alive and keep repeating itself until you're exhausted of everything and everyone.

 

Somewhere in you is a person that isn't afraid.

 

That is very insightful. I'm just not sure what to do with that? Do you have any suggestions on what to do with that fear?

 

On one hand, i could think maybe my fear came up as a way of me dealing with it.

On the other hand, maybe it's just true and I'm not good enough :( :( :(

[Reflections11]

Keep in mind, you survived your worst fear.

 

Give yourself some credit. Also, remember to be kind to yourself, whatever that means to you.

 

Thank you. I don't know if I have survived it. It completely broke me.

[Rose Mosse]

You are definitely not 'not good enough'! Please don't believe that, ever. I second Bolt's mention about being kind to yourself and giving yourself more credit.

 

I'd accept what happened and love yourself. I know it sounds cheesy but frankly I don't think there's enough cheese in this world. There isn't enough faith, kindness or love. Start with yourself. Everything else outwards.

 

We all have fears... it's what we do with them that matters. Keep being you, minus all the things that hold you back. If you are looking for love again some time later, minus the stuff that hurts you and holds you back being lesser of what you can be.

 

There are no big solutions or miracles - just step by step. I think you are doing great. The break up is so fresh. There's plenty of time to think about lots of things later on. One day at a time.

[Reflections11]

You are definitely not 'not good enough'! Please don't believe that, ever. I second Bolt's mention about being kind to yourself and giving yourself more credit.

 

I'd accept what happened and love yourself. I know it sounds cheesy but frankly I don't think there's enough cheese in this world. There isn't enough faith, kindness or love. Start with yourself. Everything else outwards.

 

We all have fears... it's what we do with them that matters. Keep being you, minus all the things that hold you back. If you are looking for love again some time later, minus the stuff that hurts you and holds you back being lesser of what you can be.

 

There are no big solutions or miracles - just step by step. I think you are doing great. The break up is so fresh. There's plenty of time to think about lots of things later on. One day at a time.

 

Thank you. I guess it is really fresh. I am having a hard time. Emotions swinging all over. Trying to figure out what steps to do next, part of my brain trying to figure out setps to move on, part of my brain trying to figure out how to get back to where we used to be. I guess I just need to stay kind to myself for now. I bet next week decisions will be easier once the anxiety of week 1 settles down. Maybe..

[Reflections11]

I am struggling right now. There is this zoom/class thing right now for this volunteer group he runs that I am usually part of. I so wanted to join, to see him, for him to see me too, for him to acknowledge me. To make him talk to me, to make him acknowledge me. Such an easy way to see him... just click "Join".

 

I didn't join. Maybe my absence will draw his attention, maybe my absence will make him think of me more, wonder about me, reach out to me.

 

But i know it's not about trying to get his attention. Joining the class would set me back emotionally. I have a lot of healing and rebuilding to do. For now I need to avoid situations that are going to make me feel worse. That question still applies.

 

"Can you have a conversation with him today without it making you feel worse?"

No. Having to pretend to be polite and friendly in a big group, having to talk to him without ACTUALLY talking to him about what happened... oh man. I think that would be hard. And then I would immediately be texting him. And he would be annoyed. And the break is fresh so he is still annoyed I know. Knowing his timeline, he will be annoyed for about a week. And I would feel worse about myself texting him for answers after class, not getting them, dealing with his irritation.

 

What sucks is there was never any real break. He asked me to leave so he could spend the night with his girl. Not even privately, she was there, and the thanked me for coming over suddenly and said have a good night. We had several beers earlier so i embarrassingly blew up his phone with angry texts which he only replied to two of, and then the next day he acknowledged my final text about moving out of his spare property.

 

So much left in the air, so much unsaid, so much confusion. So much unsettled.

 

This is so hard :(

[Reflections11]

Ok. I think I've just about survived Day 2 of NC.

 

Man Day 2 sucks. I remember Day 2 somehow feeling even worse than Day 1 in the past, and that seems to be the case again. Day 1 was rough, disorienting, anxiety. Day 2 was .... a lot more analyzing, craving, thinking. An endless tornado of thoughts and feelings.

 

Day 1 I was finding little ways to take care of myself. A bath. A long walk. A nap. It was very slow.

Day 2 I've been strugling to focus, but a little more coherent. Spent a lot more time thinking about my worth, planning ahead. Went for a jog, did yoga/meditation, and even went back to my gym tonight - first time in a while. I will try to keep the focus on fitness pretty strong for now, and see how that helps.

 

It is tough. He is definitely on my mind. We used to text like all day. It's annoying that he hasnt reached out to me, though I don't blame him. It's annoying that I can't reach out to him. I wish I had any indication of how he's feeling. Even though I was totally treated badly, I still keep thinking about rebuilding our connection in time. Until he choose her over me in front of me that night, he was pretty clear that he didn't want to end our connection either. But I also know what a bad idea that would inevitably be. I'm starting to think about all the things i liked, but also all the things I didnt, about how maybe he really never was the right match for me after all, and how maybe there may be better fits for me out there. (Hell, if he chose this girl over me, he definitely never was the right match for me LOL) Who knows how long it may take to find them though. I may be alone for 40 more years.

 

So... overall... Day 2 sucks worse than Day 1. But... i will admit that while I don't feel very good, I feel a lot better tonight than I did all day, or yesterday, or really the last week leading up to it all. I guess the whole first week is gonna be rough, but I do hope to feel slightly better on Day 3? Day 4 starts the weekend, and I have some fun plans to really feel good about myself all weekend, so I think Days 4-6 will be good.

 

Thank you all for the advice, support, and encouragement.

[Batya33]

It's interesting that you are calling it "didn't want to end our connection" - and he wasn't a match for you because he didn't want to be your match -he didn't want to be committed to you. You lied to yourself about how great it was for you to also have the freedom to date but in reality if he'd asked for a commitment you'd have jumped at it. His ending things to be with someone else is not when you knew he wasn't the right match for you. Because you wanted commitment and he didn't. So he was never the right match for you. Many people have -what was that fancy term you used - "connections". Doesn't mean they're a match for a committed romantic relationship. At all.

 

He didn't choose this woman "over you". He chose to be with this woman exclusively and doesn't want to continue to date you because he'd like to see what it's like to just be with her. No surprise there -you always knew he wasnt' committed to you. He did act like a jerk in how he went about it -but him telling you you were his 'favorite" -those are words. Words he didn't have to back up with actions because he was never committed to you and he knew you were settling for scraps.

 

I'm so glad you have fun plans!!! That tells me you're motivated to move on. He is not going to contact you because that would risk offending the person he is now dating.

[Reflections11]

Good morning all. Day 3 is off to a rough start.

 

I had a great sleep, and then when I woke up I was feeling pretty good. A few seconds later it all hit like a train. The shock that it actually happened. The waves of hurt. The feelings of betrayal and humilation. Humiliation for me being asked to leave as he chose someone else. Humiliation for how badly I reacted in my buzzed state blowing up his phone and sending awful texts. Longing. Longing for his friendship, companionship, connection. Fear. Of moving. Of losing him. Frustration at not being able to reach out to him. Frustration that he isn't reaching out to me. Hurt. Just so. much. hurt.

 

Today I just... really want to get him back. And I'm so frustrated with myself for feeling that way. I know this is all about moving on. I know this is all about knowing that I'm worth more, knowing that I deserve to be treated better than I have been, and walking away from what treats me less. And yet, despite all that, I still just want to reach back out, reconnect, try and keep this friendship strong, long, enduring.

 

I wish i was stronger than this.

 

Fortunately, the path to getting him back, and the path to moving forward without him, are the exact same for now. No Contact. And though part of me wants to endure this with the hopes of us both settling down and reconnecting, the smarter part of me hopes that in time the cravings will subside and the thought of moving forward without him will make a lot more sense.

[Reflections11]

It's interesting that you are calling it "didn't want to end our connection" - and he wasn't a match for you because he didn't want to be your match -he didn't want to be committed to you. You lied to yourself about how great it was for you to also have the freedom to date but in reality if he'd asked for a commitment you'd have jumped at it. His ending things to be with someone else is not when you knew he wasn't the right match for you. Because you wanted commitment and he didn't. So he was never the right match for you. Many people have -what was that fancy term you used - "connections". Doesn't mean they're a match for a committed romantic relationship. At all.

 

Batya, you are 100% right. If he wanted commitment, I would have jumped at it. He did want a strange half commitment, in which he would be ok with any girl I was seeing, but wanted to know and approve any guy I was seeing, but it wasn't equal cause he would still see whomever he wanted, so I didn't really go for it completely.

 

 

He didn't choose this woman "over you". He chose to be with this woman exclusively and doesn't want to continue to date you because he'd like to see what it's like to just be with her. No surprise there -you always knew he wasnt' committed to you. He did act like a jerk in how he went about it -but him telling you you were his 'favorite" -those are words. Words he didn't have to back up with actions because he was never committed to you and he knew you were settling for scraps.

 

That's not quite exactly true. They aren't exclusive yet. He keeps calling her his girlfriend, but it's not official, and I'm not sure how exclusive he will be with her, since he's not super into monogomy. He did want to keep seeing me too, our lives are pretty entangled and he kept reaching out and making plans with me. But it quickly became clear that he would prioritize her over me for sure. He never ended it with me, I was just frustrated when he chose her to spend the night over me, in front of me, and I walked away. He will probably keep seeing other guys behind her back which I should treat as a red flag into his terrible personality. What is true though is where you say he was never committed enough to me and knew I was settling for scraps.

 

 

I'm so glad you have fun plans!!! That tells me you're motivated to move on.

You think so? I know I need to heal now. And I need to start filling the empty spaces with things that make me happy, start rebuilding my life so I can feel happy again on my own.

 

He is not going to contact you because that would risk offending the person he is now dating.

He probably won't contact me, but probably not for that reason. She doesn't know about us lol. He probably wont because he didn't like my emotional blow up, because he knows he did something crummy and is too proud to admit his fault in the situation, and because by this point he knows he pushed me too far. It sucks but it's also ok. Right now I need to heal myself more than anything, and that will happen fastest without having to interact with him.

[Batya33]

Who cares why he is not contacting you - could be infinite reasons. He's not contacting you because he doesn't wish to. People move towards pleasure and away from pain.

Half commitment equals no commitment especially because it still would have been imbalanced. Above you wrote you liked the freedom to date others. Now you say you would have jumped at commitment. I don't care if you're inconsistent here but please be consistent with yourself and what you want. And do not want. You have no idea if your ex is exclusive or not and it's none of your business.

 

I can't relate to this "priority" nonsense other than I know in certain cultures there is "first wife" and "second wife" and so on. That works for them. You wanted to be his only. Not just his "top pick" -right? So who cares if you were first, second or thirtieth? How did that help you in the least?

 

Yes, not interacting will be the best for you -totally agree.

[Reflections11]

Who cares why he is not contacting you - could be infinite reasons. He's not contacting you because he doesn't wish to. People move towards pleasure and away from pain.

Half commitment equals no commitment especially because it still would have been imbalanced. Above you wrote you liked the freedom to date others. Now you say you would have jumped at commitment. I don't care if you're inconsistent here but please be consistent with yourself and what you want. And do not want. You have no idea if your ex is exclusive or not and it's none of your business.

 

I can't relate to this "priority" nonsense other than I know in certain cultures there is "first wife" and "second wife" and so on. That works for them. You wanted to be his only. Not just his "top pick" -right? So who cares if you were first, second or thirtieth? How did that help you in the least?

 

Yes, not interacting will be the best for you -totally agree.

 

 

haha I would have jumped at commitment but I also would have been fine being his "Top Pick". The problem with that, as all the great people on this forum have helped me see, is that it isn't a true committment and can easily change as others shift in rank, which is just what happened. Like you say, Half Commitment = No Commitment. Good lesson for me going forward.

 

You are right. What he's thinking, what he's doing, why he's doing it now, is none of my business. I need to focus on myself now and start replacing the "thinking about him" habit with thinking about things that bring me joy and help build my life.

 

Any advice for me going into day 3? I feel sad, hurt, and overwhelmed still. It feels like i'm drowning. :(

[Batya33]

haha I would have jumped at commitment but I also would have been fine being his "Top Pick". The problem with that, as all the great people on this forum have helped me see, is that it isn't a true committment and can easily change as others shift in rank, which is just what happened. Like you say, Half Commitment = No Commitment. Good lesson for me going forward.

 

You are right. What he's thinking, what he's doing, why he's doing it now, is none of my business. I need to focus on myself now and start replacing the "thinking about him" habit with thinking about things that bring me joy and help build my life.

 

Any advice for me going into day 3? I feel sad, hurt, and overwhelmed still. It feels like i'm drowning. :(

 

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep busy. Keep physically active. Also google Weil method 4-7-8 breathing.

 

So how exactly would you have known day to day you were his "top pick" - because he told you??

[Reflections11]

I guess telling me, but more just the amount of time he was spending with me I think. He was spending a lot of time with me the last year or so...

[boltnrun]

Have you tried the "I will contact him in two days" technique?

[Reflections11]

Have you tried the "I will contact him in two days" technique?

 

Thanks for reminding me! That totally helps! Saturday it is! And hopefully tomorrow i will push it forward a little further.

[Batya33]

I guess telling me, but more just the amount of time he was spending with me I think. He was spending a lot of time with me the last year or so...

 

So? Amount of time means little - especially with no commitment. Certainly it means he liked spending time with you. No idea whether he would have liked spending time with someone else better. Might have been so, or might have been more convenient. You spun this fantasy/tale for yourself of how you were his top pick to make up for settling for the no commitment scraps. I hope as you're moving on your moving to a healthier sense of what you are worth.

 

I'm reading the memoir Stray. She is in an affair with a married man who has not left his wife although keeps promising to. She writes "I single mindedly resent the space [he] takes up in my life. He's become a colonizer -someone who declares ownership without concrete investment in the country."

[Reflections11]

So? Amount of time means little - especially with no commitment. Certainly it means he liked spending time with you. No idea whether he would have liked spending time with someone else better. Might have been so, or might have been more convenient. You spun this fantasy/tale for yourself of how you were his top pick to make up for settling for the no commitment scraps. I hope as you're moving on your moving to a healthier sense of what you are worth.

 

You are right. I need to keep working on improving my sense of self worth during this healing period. Important so I don't make the same mistakes later.

[Batya33]

You are right. I need to keep working on improving my sense of self worth during this healing period. Important so I don't make the same mistakes later.

 

I edited what I wrote.