December No Contact :(

[Reflections11]

You'll get through it one day and one step at a time. If it gets really bad, give yourself 5 minutes to cool it....and then another 5 minutes and another.....You can always do just 5 minutes...right?

 

I can always do 5 min!

 

That said, dude....you've got to start being honest with yourself. Either you were cool with not being exclusive and just a casual hook up thing while you were both seeing other people.....in which case you are being overly dramatic here. He owed you nothing as per your arrangement and the whole he chose to prioritize her over you is nothing more than your slighted ego....OR....you were never actually OK with this arrangement and so you are truly badly hurt.

 

If the latter, then please learn from this. Don't ever lie and pretend you are cool with something you are not. It doesn't matter how much you like someone, if they are not giving you the kind of a relationship that you actually want, have enough confidence and self respect to walk away from that person. Otherwise.....you'll find yourself where you are right now over and over again.

 

I think i was ok with it as long as I was the top choice. Which, I guess wasn't always the case and created a lot of turbulence. You are right, I should have walked away a long time ago. The longer i stayed, the lower my self esteem dropped, and the harder it got to walk away.

[Reflections11]

Ya I agree take it day by day, push to be more positive, do nice things for yourself, listen to happy music, watch some stuff on youtube.

 

Thanks I'm trying to focus on doing nice little things for myself today. I remember the first few days are the hardest. In the past Day 2 was maybe even harder than Day 1.

[Rose Mosse]

You can still walk away. Speed walk.

[Reflections11]

You can still walk away. Speed walk.

 

Haha so true. Problem is even though he proved i'm not a priority, i still just really want to reach out to him and i miss him. I know he's probably pretty annoyed with me and so there is no point in actually doing it but man... also i need to focus on my self esteem today and focus on the fact that i deserve to be someone's #1 choice, instead of chasing after someone else to be there lower choice.

[Rose Mosse]

Exactly. You tell em, girlfriend. When you get to the end of each day, it'll start to feel pretty darn good the more you put yourself first before anything else that brings negativity and shade in your life. It's a daily practice. You can do it.

[Reflections11]

I'm feeling the urge to make contact getting stronger as the evening approaches. I miss chatting with him. Also I feel really bad about all the angry texts i sent and would really like to apologize. Even though he's the one who invited me over and then kicked me out when someone better came along. I know he's probably really irritated with me though, and any messages i sent today wouldn't actually help the situation. I need to stop focusing on him and start putting the focus back onto me. No Contact is so simple in theory but starting is so hard in practice.

[Batya33]

No - please do not use the excuse of apologizing. No need to focus on yourself either - simply do not contact him and do something that is not self-absorbed other than vigorous exercise or perhaps 4-7-8 breathing (google Weil method). Do you do volunteer work? If not look around for virtual opportunities - call a friend and be a good listener - don't talk about yourself or your relationship issues. Also sending typed apologies isn't a real apology anyway. Years from now when you're in a better place maybe you two will be in contact again and you can apologize then. Of course you miss chatting with him. And of course you shouldn't act on it by contacting him. He is with someone else and that also might interfere and intrude on his privacy with his new person. I know you wish it weren't so which is why I'm suggesting you focus on things that are not him. No need to focus on yourself.

[Reflections11]

No - please do not use the excuse of apologizing. No need to focus on yourself either - simply do not contact him and do something that is not self-absorbed other than vigorous exercise or perhaps 4-7-8 breathing (google Weil method). Do you do volunteer work? If not look around for virtual opportunities - call a friend and be a good listener - don't talk about yourself or your relationship issues. Also sending typed apologies isn't a real apology anyway. Years from now when you're in a better place maybe you two will be in contact again and you can apologize then. Of course you miss chatting with him. And of course you shouldn't act on it by contacting him. He is with someone else and that also might interfere and intrude on his privacy with his new person. I know you wish it weren't so which is why I'm suggesting you focus on things that are not him. No need to focus on yourself.

 

Thank you that is what i needed to hear right now. Yeah he probably is with her again and would just be annoyed I am messaging. I definitely wish it weren't so, she is so lucky LOL. It sucks for me, but that is a good idea that i can focus on things beyond myself. Its gonna be hard moving my life on without this guy though, knowing he is happily with someone and i'm the loser of the situation.

[Batya33]

Thank you that is what i needed to hear right now. Yeah he probably is with her again and would just be annoyed I am messaging. I definitely wish it weren't so, she is so lucky LOL. It sucks for me, but that is a good idea that i can focus on things beyond myself. Its gonna be hard moving my life on without this guy though, knowing he is happily with someone and i'm the loser of the situation.

 

Why is she lucky? You were casually dating someone who didn't want to be committed to you. You settled for scraps as much as you say you liked having the option to date others -and who was going to date you anyway if you were living with him? You are not the "loser" - he is with someone new, for a short time. You have no idea if he is happy or if she is because he is not in your life, his life is none of your business. Of course it's hard - no one ever said it's easy to end a dating relationship. But this is where you draw on your inner and outer resources - your resliency. Intense cardio helps a lot. I do it every day. For many years now and have exercised regularly since 1982 which I bet is before you were born. It helps me especially in times of hardship, crisis, stress, change. It's sort of focusing on myself - in the physical sense I have to so that I keep up a certain pace, do what I need to do -but in a very real way it's me being forced not to overthink - it's hard to do that when you're feeling the stress and any negative energy leave your body. I listen to podcasts or the radio -I used to listen to music - whatever works to keep you going. And after you know you've done something really beneficial for yourself mentally and physically. That's my strong suggestion. Good luck.

[Reflections11]

Why is she lucky? You were casually dating someone who didn't want to be committed to you. You settled for scraps as much as you say you liked having the option to date others -and who was going to date you anyway if you were living with him? You are not the "loser" - he is with someone new, for a short time. You have no idea if he is happy or if she is because he is not in your life, his life is none of your business. Of course it's hard - no one ever said it's easy to end a dating relationship. But this is where you draw on your inner and outer resources - your resliency. Intense cardio helps a lot. I do it every day. For many years now and have exercised regularly since 1982 which I bet is before you were born. It helps me especially in times of hardship, crisis, stress, change. It's sort of focusing on myself - in the physical sense I have to so that I keep up a certain pace, do what I need to do -but in a very real way it's me being forced not to overthink - it's hard to do that when you're feeling the stress and any negative energy leave your body. I listen to podcasts or the radio -I used to listen to music - whatever works to keep you going. And after you know you've done something really beneficial for yourself mentally and physically. That's my strong suggestion. Good luck.

 

You are very insightful Batya. I always kept fitness a high priority, but with covid a lot of the gyms have been shutting down. I recently started doing morning jogs, it does seem to help me a lot!

 

I think I've mostly made it through Day 1. A lot of frustration with what happened last night, a bunch of guilt for how i responded and that pestering urge to apologize. A lot of weird longing to reach out to him, a lot of missing him.

 

Been taking it easy though, taking care of myself, journaling, walks, yoga, meditation, bath, playing some games with friend online. I just need to stick through the rest of the day. Will see what Day 2 has in store.

[Batya33]

Good luck! Remember -no need to control feelings, just your reactions to feelings.

[Reflections11]

Hello All. Thank you for being here to help guide and support me during this troubling time. I am facing down Day 2 of No Contact and I am feeling... overwhelmed...

 

I know the point of No Contact is to take the focus of him and move on, but man, this morning, he is all I can think about. I miss him, my brain keeps thinking about how I can fix things. It's sad that I still even want to, but he has been one of my best friends and mentors for years. I keep wondering if he will notice my absence, if he will care, if he will start wondering about me, if he will ever reach out. My brain keeps creating ways and reasons to reach out and contact him.

 

It's overwhelming and hard. I'm living in his spare condo so everything reminds me of him. I am facing down this huge void in my life that he filled. I have done No Contact in the past (day 2 was always ridiculously hard) and I had good success filling the void with a combination of Fitness, Socializing, and Hobbies. This is pretty hard now. With winter covid spikes locking everything down, going No Contact right now is so hard. Even with my gyms and hobbies shut down, I can somewhat work on fitness with some jogging/yoga. But not being able to socailize and just go out and meet new people and have fun makes its hard.

 

So many emotions. Anger that he hurt me. Frustration that he doesnt seem to care. Frustration with myself for still wanting him. Longing. Fear. Loneliness. Uncertainty. It's all swirling around me. The last week really opened up a raw nerve, and led up to an event that basically broke me. I think for now, I need to heal myself, un-break or rebuild myself, and contact with him will make that impossible. It just all feels so lonely and hard and overwhelming today.

 

I think one thing I'm going to start working on is that I deserve to be somebody's #1 top choice. And chasing after this guy again won't ever get me there. And settling for other breadcrumbs won't ever get me there. Knowing what I want and being honest with myself, as so many of you in this thread have pointed out, is important.

 

Day 2.... here we go. I may have to take it 5 minutes at a time today.

[DancingFool]

Hang in there. Can you go hike in some bigger park? A total change of scenery and something you don't normally do perhaps? I find that helps me reset my brain and get out of a groove.

 

Maybe force your focus on something productive that you've been putting off doing? Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time, so if you force it to focus on something productive or constructive, it will bring some relief. Granted, it doesn't make the emotions go away and you still have to give yourself some time to just ride those waves out - anger, pain, etc. Anger isn't always a bad thing as it can energize and drive you to improve your life, your choices, make you stronger along the lines of yes, you do deserve better than what you had settled for so far.

[Reflections11]

Hang in there. Can you go hike in some bigger park? A total change of scenery and something you don't normally do perhaps? I find that helps me reset my brain and get out of a groove.

 

Really good idea. Lots of good places to go, but I probably can't today. It gets dark so early with winter now, so by the time work is done, there is no time. But I can plan some good hikes for this weekend to help clear my head out!

 

Maybe force your focus on something productive that you've been putting off doing? Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time, so if you force it to focus on something productive or constructive, it will bring some relief. Granted, it doesn't make the emotions go away and you still have to give yourself some time to just ride those waves out - anger, pain, etc. Anger isn't always a bad thing as it can energize and drive you to improve your life, your choices, make you stronger along the lines of yes, you do deserve better than what you had settled for so far.

 

I guess once all these terrible meetings are over, I could try focusing a bit more on some of my big work projects. They are so boring though and my emotions are so much louder LOL. You are right about riding the waves, I can't stop the feelings, and shouldnt. I just need to calmly accept how I'm feeling and let them move through me without reacting too much too them. I am definitely hurting today though. I can try to lean a bit more into the anger side today and try to use that energy to work on self worth and projects/jogging/etc.

[Rose Mosse]

Ride it out and stay with it. The feelings will subside in a week and that edginess will dissipate. I promise you that. You'll just have to ride out the first week to get over the panic attacks and anxiety. Keep writing here if it helps.

 

Your emotions are all over the map. It's okay and it's normal. Like I said, stay with it and be patient with yourself. Nothing will make sense right now. It will, though. Soon.

[Reflections11]

Ride it out and stay with it. The feelings will subside in a week and that edginess will dissipate. I promise you that. You'll just have to ride out the first week to get over the panic attacks and anxiety. Keep writing here if it helps.

 

Your emotions are all over the map. It's okay and it's normal. Like I said, stay with it and be patient with yourself. Nothing will make sense right now. It will, though. Soon.

 

Ok cool. You are right there are a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. It feels like it will last forever. I think you may be right and i just need to make it through this first week. I'm sure the emotions will last for a while and there will be rough patches, but hopefully after a week the ovewhelming immediate urgency and panic anxiety will tone down a bit. Your advice gives me some hope and encouragement that it will get better. Writing in here definitely helps. It helps to have this as an outlet to release the emotions, but also to just understand what I'm actually feeling. It's confusing when i'm experiencing multiple conflicting emotions simultaneous.

 

It's annoying HOW MUCH i want him to reach out and make contact. I want him to miss me, to care about me, I want him to try for me. I want him to notice my absence. Even though it hasn't even been very long. And i'm frustrated wtih myself for wanting that. He clearly showed me by his actions how little I really matter, so why do I still beg for his crumbs? Him messaging me would actually just prolong the pain and make things worse, and I am in no emotional state to handle anything that he could possibly say. I'm frustrated with myself for still thinking about him, focusing on him, almost begging for his attention, when I know I should be thinking and focusing on anything else. When I know I should have high enough self esteem to say "Oh I deserve better than this treatment I should easily walk away"

 

But the wound still feels fresh and raw and doesn't feel like it's healing, or ever will. I know it will though. I will start prioritizing my fitness today. Go for a jog. Do some yoga. I found out my gym is still sorta open so I will go lift weights at night. Fitness helps a lot.

[Reflections11]

I'm just hurting today :/

It feels like it will never get better.

Day 2 Sucks.

[Rose Mosse]

Ok cool. You are right there are a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. It feels like it will last forever. I think you may be right and i just need to make it through this first week. I'm sure the emotions will last for a while and there will be rough patches, but hopefully after a week the ovewhelming immediate urgency and panic anxiety will tone down a bit. Your advice gives me some hope and encouragement that it will get better. Writing in here definitely helps. It helps to have this as an outlet to release the emotions, but also to just understand what I'm actually feeling. It's confusing when i'm experiencing multiple conflicting emotions simultaneous.

 

It's annoying HOW MUCH i want him to reach out and make contact. I want him to miss me, to care about me, I want him to try for me. I want him to notice my absence. Even though it hasn't even been very long. And i'm frustrated wtih myself for wanting that. He clearly showed me by his actions how little I really matter, so why do I still beg for his crumbs? Him messaging me would actually just prolong the pain and make things worse, and I am in no emotional state to handle anything that he could possibly say. I'm frustrated with myself for still thinking about him, focusing on him, almost begging for his attention, when I know I should be thinking and focusing on anything else. When I know I should have high enough self esteem to say "Oh I deserve better than this treatment I should easily walk away"

 

But the wound still feels fresh and raw and doesn't feel like it's healing, or ever will. I know it will though. I will start prioritizing my fitness today. Go for a jog. Do some yoga. I found out my gym is still sorta open so I will go lift weights at night. Fitness helps a lot.

 

Yes, good plan!

Your thoughts are remarkably clear and rational given how new the break up was. Worry about later later. Get through this first week first. The more you start depending on yourself and less on anyone else (him in particular), the more your confidence will grow. You'll start sailing your own ship so to speak and won't worry about what anyone else says or does. Even if he crosses your mind or you cry about him, it won't affect the way you operate or handle your own life and other commitments so stay with it.

 

It's good that you're letting out your frustrations through writing. I know some of it doesn't need or require a response. That validation of your own feelings will come from yourself eventually, without the need to hear it from anyone else.

 

The anxiety will not last forever. You'll come back.

[boltnrun]

One thing I've found that works is this:

Tell yourself "I will contact him in two days". Then tomorrow, tell yourself "I will contact him in two days". And so on and so on. This gives your mind and emotions something else to focus on and kind of tricks you into thinking you will contact him even though you actually probably won't.

 

After a couple of weeks of this you won't even want to contact him anymore because the "Ex Fog" will have lifted.

[Hollyj]

I'm just hurting today :/

It feels like it will never get better.

Day 2 Sucks.

 

We have all been there, and survived. Of course you will get through this. Try to stay busy and not talk about him to friends. Can you connect with people outdoors: hike, walk, etc...?

[Reflections11]

Yes, good plan!

Your thoughts are remarkably clear and rational given how new the break up was. Worry about later later. Get through this first week first. The more you start depending on yourself and less on anyone else (him in particular), the more your confidence will grow. You'll start sailing your own ship so to speak and won't worry about what anyone else says or does. Even if he crosses your mind or you cry about him, it won't affect the way you operate or handle your own life and other commitments so stay with it.

 

It's good that you're letting out your frustrations through writing. I know some of it doesn't need or require a response. That validation of your own feelings will come from yourself eventually, without the need to hear it from anyone else.

 

The anxiety will not last forever. You'll come back.

 

I'm glad my thoughts seem clear. The emotions come so fast and are so intense and change so rapidly. There are so many of them it feels like im white water rafting. Writing here definitely helps. Having you guys on here to talk to also helps as well. I got through yesterday, so I can definitely get through today. But i did get one text from him yesterday (just replying to my previous night's move out message) and haven't hear anything from him today. Stupid thing to focus on though.

[Reflections11]

One thing I've found that works is this:

Tell yourself "I will contact him in two days". Then tomorrow, tell yourself "I will contact him in two days". And so on and so on. This gives your mind and emotions something else to focus on and kind of tricks you into thinking you will contact him even though you actually probably won't.

 

After a couple of weeks of this you won't even want to contact him anymore because the "Ex Fog" will have lifted.

 

 

This is a great trick actually and Im definitely going to use it. The thought of waiting two days to contact him seems much less horrifying than facing a long endless road of no contact. This is the type of thing that totally works for me because I will be good at just shifting that date over. Even 2 days seems intense though when starting no contact, since it hasn't evne been two days since my last one lol. And both of our emotions would still be riled up by then. But it kind of relaxes an anxious part of my brain a little and lets me breath a little more.

[Reflections11]

We have all been there, and survived. Of course you will get through this. Try to stay busy and not talk about him to friends. Can you connect with people outdoors: hike, walk, etc...?

 

Probably not for the next couple days. With the cold weather, long work from home days, and early sunset, it will be hard to do any outdoor social stuff. But this weekend there will be lots of room for that, so something to look forward to if i can make it to days 4-6

[Reflections11]

The frustrating part to me is how much I STILL want to get back to where we were. I keep wondering how I can get back to our connection. So many parts of it I really loved. I'm frustrated with myself for even wanting it, for not being strong enough to just say "no I deserve better than this and I won't stand for it anymore". I started NC because I realized he treated me in a way that will never be acceptable, that he will keep doing it, that I deserve better. For me No Contact is not about getting them back but about getting yourself right and moving on as quickly and with as little pain as possible.

 

But now i just feel weak for wanting so desperately to try and reconnect and still make it work.

[Reflections11]

Anytime that I feel the urge to reach out and make contact, I am asking myself

 

"Do you think you could have a conversation with him today without feeling even worse than you already do right now?"

 

As long as the answer is "No", i know there is no reason to reach out.

 

As lousy as I feel today, I know any conversation with him would just make me feel even worse.