I love my relationship, and can’t stand his daughter

[abitbroken]

I don't agree with these generalizations about children or about finger pointing . We have so little information. We don't know if the child has special needs whether emotional, medical, etc (and she might not know, and perhaps more evaluation needs to be done but that's for her parents), this child is from a broken home, we don't know who the primary caregiver is -it might be the mother, it might be a nanny, it might be an grandparent-the child might be abused at her other home. We don't know.

 

I don't believe personalities are "set" in the extreme way you put it. Way too many exceptions out there (including my husband, including me). We don't know at all if she's allowed to do whatever she wants -this is from a woman who is not the mother and who doesn't want to be around kids -that's her perception. I was once chastised in public by a cashier about my child's behavior - you know what he was doing? He was 9 months old and he was wailing. Want to know why? Because he was a baby and also because the cashier was clueless about how to do a transaction so it was taking a looooonggg time. She referred to my son as "your screaming kid" and was really judgmental about his behavior. People have all sorts of opinions about how a child should behave (in that case the manager was summoned, flowers were given to me, and I never saw her working there again).

 

I completely agree that she has no say particularly because she's so bitter and hostile and doesn't want to be around this little girl in the first place. Worst person to interact with her. I agree she should exit this situation.

 

I agree.

 

Also, children act out when they are craving connection. The child talks about wanting the OP to be with her and her father and do something together. I can't help but think that if the OP gave the child her full attention for an hour (with boyfriend also present - them all doing an activity) the child would not act up as much and then leave them to go do your thing. I can spend time with my cousin and his child and treat the child in a present or caring way WITHOUT "raising " the child - its just treating them with basic human respect.

 

What boggles my mind is that this is 4 years into the relationship. I could understand if they were newly dating -- up to this point she was not around the child but very rarely -- but now that the relationship is more comfortable or she moved in, the truth comes out --- there must be something else if it has taken 4 years to not like the child.

[Fudgie]

What boggles my mind is that this is 4 years into the relationship. I could understand if they were newly dating -- up to this point she was not around the child but very rarely -- but now that the relationship is more comfortable or she moved in, the truth comes out --- there must be something else if it has taken 4 years to not like the child.

 

I'm thinking that OP either moved in with her partner or there was a change in the custody agreement that increased his time with her. Maybe every other weekend to 3 days/week?

 

But I'm leaning more toward "moved in". If she was living apart, she could just make herself scarce during the 3 days he has his daughter but you can't really do that when you live together unless you locked yourself in the bedroom or something.

 

Maybe the relationship would be salvageble if OP/boyfriend agreed that they would live apart for the forseeable future and she would just not take part in the daughter's life. Actually, that would be acceptable, as long as she understands that if emergencies come up with said child, he would need to go tend to her ASAP. Or let's say mom got sick and had to drop the daughter at his house off schedule, like on holidays.

 

But I suspect that this is not what OP would want.

[ShySoul]

Tsmart, is it that you don't want to be around children or that you don't want to be around this child? Was the daughter always like this or is it more recent? I'm guessing you got along at one point, but her behavior has gotten worse and you reached a breaking point where you can't take it anymore? If she is truly being as bad as you say, then that is understandable. Your description of her reminds me of by cousin when we were both younger. Her mother didn't discipline her so she acted out and felt entitled to everything. Few people wanted to spend time with her. You are not the mother and should not be expected to act like one. It should really fall to the father to do something about his daughter.

 

However, if you are going to be with this guy, then you are going to have to deal with the child as well and everything that comes with it. When you see someone with a child, it's a package deal. You can try to separate yourself and not spend time with the child, but that's only going to hurt the guy. In his mind, he loves you and his child so he will want you two to get along as well. It's natural for him to want to treat all of you as a family. If this is really making you miserable, then the best thing for all parties is to walk away. At the end of the day he has to be a father first and he's choosing to parent in a way that bothers you. You aren't happy with his decision and it will only cause issues between the two of you. If you aren't willing or able to work this out, then the relationship does more harm then good and you should end it and pursue someone without the extra baggage of a child to cause such friction.