First good date in awhile

[Rose Mosse]

Enjoy the slow period! Getting to know someone is exciting and fun... keep it lighthearted and enjoy the in-person time together. Consider the alternative - is it appealing to get to know about someone's life and all the details of their morning routine and evening routine way before you've had a chance to share those moments in real time?

 

I've had my fair share of relationships. I can tell you it's a lot more rewarding seeing someone smile or hearing a lull in a story or conversation, sitting with someone and sharing a meal and picking up subtle clues about the person in person than it is having all that information fed to me in a text format.

 

Enjoy getting to know each other. Find hobbies to take up or join a few online meet ups or interest groups. It's healthy to have time spent away thinking about the person you're seeing. I think you're doing great.

[Coldarmy13]

Thank you for the replies, they were refreshing to read this morning!

[boltnrun]

Would you rather stare at words on a tiny screen or have fun, quality dates?

[Coldarmy13]

So this was a few days ago, Wednesday afternoon.

 

M: G’afternoon pretty lady :) have any plans Saturday night?

 

H: good afternoon :) no plans Saturday yet but my friend is having a bonfire Friday if you’re interested

 

M: yeah I probably would be. I’m working until 8 Friday and Saturday though so I wouldn’t be able to meet up until 930ish depending on where it is. If you want to make Saturday plans that is.

 

H: Saturday sounds good. We’ll figure something out

 

M: what time is this bonfire?

 

Nothing since then. I get people get busy but never checked her messages in a couple days? I’m thinking I’m making plans for tonight since I didn’t hear back about the fire. Just go along with Saturday evening and go have fun. To me, if she thinks about me at all she’d check her phone and see my question within a few days. I fear average interest or maybe dating others as well.

[reinventmyself]

I suspect when you mutually agreed to the bonfire, that is set. Asking what time, she may have either not seen that or had to talk to someone about the time and confirm it with you. It could have easily gotten away from her.

You do have a date Saturday. Don't get stuck on the details. Safe to say it will be well underway by the time you get there. What time is starts doesn't really matter.

Trust she'll get back to you.

I get the her style of communicating (or lack there of) causes you to feel uneasy. But you need to step back and give her the opportunity to meet you half way. Or in this case, part way.

 

I can remember a time being the same situation. The really long stretches of silence inbetween caused me anxiety. I could tell my anxiety over this was running the show when I was having these internal arguements in my head convincing myself why reaching out (when I really knew better not to) was warranted. I would delete his number so I wouldn't be tempted. I know it sounds silly. But the anxiety went away when the temptation was removed. And . . . you guessed it. He would ultimately reach out.

It's way more rewarding to wait it out then it is to being the one to do all the heavy lifting and wondering if it it's for nothing

 

Her communication is different than yours, but trust her fingers aren't broken.

The last argument is, if she doesn't respond, at least you know now and could put a stake it in and be done.

You don't need to convince anyone to like you.

[tattoobunnie]

You made plans for Saturday. Why would she need to tell you what time the bonfire is? You really need to take a deep breath, and stop the obsessing. Just CAALLLLLLLLLL her around lunchtime and ask her if she wants to get desserts and some cocktails tomorrow night.

 

Stop texting so much.

[Coldarmy13]

Not sure how to proceed. Sure, if she reaches out before this evening then great, but if she doesn’t I don’t think I should ask about the bonfire again. Just plan on our date tomorrow and so be it.

[Coldarmy13]

You made plans for Saturday. Why would she need to tell you what time the bonfire is? You really need to take a deep breath, and stop the obsessing. Just CAALLLLLLLLLL her around lunchtime and ask her if she wants to get desserts and some cocktails tomorrow night.

 

Stop texting so much.

 

Well she invited me to the bonfire that’s the only reason I asked about the time.

 

Trust me, texturing has been at a minimum despite making me a bit uneasy as the dates have gone by.

[tattoobunnie]

Okay - trying to not be hard on you. You are at the point of over-analyzing every single text - it's not helping you period. This over analyzing only leads to needy self-sabotage. So cut your anxiety in half, and build up your self-esteem. If you want to build up your self esteem, go doing something really hard - Go find a bigger problem to solve. Meaning, go impress yourself. It takes effort to build it up. Go volunteer. Pick up a new hobby. Learn a new thing. Go hiking in a new spot every week. Learn a new language. Take an online class that really interests you. You are focusing and sweating on the same stuff. Go find a bigger problem.

 

If you just keep doing the same thing over and over again, it doesn't matter what the girl is like or if she likes this or that or you - all of this is about you learning to love yourself. How you do that - go impress yourself.

[tattoobunnie]

Well she invited me to the bonfire that’s the only reason I asked about the time.

 

Trust me, texturing has been at a minimum despite making me a bit uneasy as the dates have gone by.

 

You also said you had to work, but wouldn't be able to get there by 9:30 - I read that as you couldn't make it, but let's meet Saturday. That's how I completely read it. This is exactly why text messaging his not any new relationship's friend.

 

If you want to go to the bonfire - pick up the phone and call her, and clarify verbally you'd like to meet her at 9:30.

 

But you already have plans for Saturday - take it slow, and hang out Saturday. Take the initiative, and find someone cool for you two to do.

[Coldarmy13]

Thank you for the replies and advice. Plenty of brain food there.

 

H: Happy Friday! Sorry I didn’t see that last text. There really isn’t a certain time. I’m going to try to be there by 8.

 

She actually reached out, surprised actually.

[tattoobunnie]

surprised actually.

You shouldn't be surprised (that's the low self-esteem talking).

 

She is a human - not a robot - or a goddess. She is a human being that overlooked a text. It happens to everyone.

 

Also, if you truly feel like you're the only one who doesn't have it figured out - wake up - eveyone, everyone has something going on. And if you think someone is normal, you just don't know them well enough.

 

And, find a way to watch this episode: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0734547/

[reinventmyself]

Thank you for the replies and advice. Plenty of brain food there.

 

H: Happy Friday! Sorry I didn’t see that last text. There really isn’t a certain time. I’m going to try to be there by 8.

 

She actually reached out, surprised actually.

 

. . think of this moment the next time you start over analyzing.

Have fun this weekend.

[Rose Mosse]

Happy Friday. That's great. Enjoy.. very exciting. And have fun!

[Coldarmy13]

We had a Good Friday night and still kept our date Saturday which was a nice night in at her place.

 

Followed by a nice Thai dinner and movie at my place Tuesday night. It’s been just over 3 weeks, I believe, but we’ve spent a solid amount of time together in that time. 7-8 dates?

 

I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting invested, too soon maybe, maybe not. We’ve been sleeping together since the third date. In my mind I’d like to touch base on where her thoughts are and, if for maybe no other reason than health and cleanliness, see if she’d like to date exclusively.

 

Part of me thinks that shouldn’t be a big deal to bring up. Saying what I’d be interested in, maybe she’s waiting for me to do it? Or maybe weed out if she’s in it to just have fun and not looking for more, at least from me. Her online profile only listed “interested in long term dating” and I know she’s been single for two years.. but I know online profile details don’t really relate to an individual relationship IE she’s looking for that, but may not see that for us?

 

Or I could continue going with the flow, initiating all the date plans (which she has yet to turn down or cancel) and communication (which she always answers fairly timely) and see what comes out of it. See if it organically goes there or she brings it up?

 

I guess I’d like to not get too much more invested if it turns out she’s dating anyone else or open to seeing what else is out there. Hard to imagine there’d be much time with how many times we’ve been together already, but it’s possible.

 

We’re supposed to go out tomorrow (Friday) which should be fun and am looking forward too.

[Rose Mosse]

Think of it this way - if you can think of not seeing each other for a full week (or longer) does it feel like you're thrown/put out/upset/can't think straight? If you find it hard to function not seeing each other or spending every single date spending the night with each other, chances are you are both moving a little fast and the relationship might fizzle out as soon as one or both of you realize you're not spending enough time on your own hobbies or pursuing your own interests.

 

Dating exclusively to me means I'm seriously interested in someone and would like to get to know more about that person. It becomes more about the individual person I'm seeing and less about sex or companionship.

 

Do you feel that way about her? And how would she feel if the routine changed up or if you both had more time to work on your own pursuits?

[Coldarmy13]

Think of it this way - if you can think of not seeing each other for a full week (or longer) does it feel like you're thrown/put out/upset/can't think straight? If you find it hard to function not seeing each other or spending every single date spending the night with each other, chances are you are both moving a little fast and the relationship might fizzle out as soon as one or both of you realize you're not spending enough time on your own hobbies or pursuing your own interests.

 

Dating exclusively to me means I'm seriously interested in someone and would like to get to know more about that person. It becomes more about the individual person I'm seeing and less about sex or companionship.

 

Do you feel that way about her? And how would she feel if the routine changed up or if you both had more time to work on your own pursuits?

 

I’m not sure how to answer a couple of these.

 

I feel like perhaps I should ask her because:

 

-Sexually active.

 

-I see some actual potential for more down the line.

 

-Feeling if she was seeing other or dating others, it would upset me. Even though she’s well within her right to do so.

 

-I’d like to see where she’s at and see if we’re on the same or similar pages.

 

As far as how she’d feel if the “routine” changed or altered, I honestly couldn’t say. We have a great date or night, say so once the other gets home or leaves the next afternoon, then a day or two later I propose the day for the next date. Which, so far, she’s always agreed to.

 

I’d really love to keep learning more and more about her, which I could just stay the course and hope for the best. Part of me that thinks of “plant a seed and let it grow” type thinking. Not digging it up to check on it sort of thinking. The other part of me knows how I feel and how interested I am, and wouldn’t want to wait too long or maybe give off an incorrect impression of what I’m looking for.

[Batya33]

You already planted many of your seeds in her lol. I don't get this kind of categorizing -so you are open to sharing bodily fluids, risking pregnancy and STDs but not having a simple one sentence exchange about what your intentions are towards each other? Please don't get hung up on analysis and impressions -at this very moment you are having casual sex with someone you met recently but you also are developing strong feelings for her and want to be exclusive. So have a direct convo - no long back story or apologies "what are you intentions about us"" or I'd like us to be exclusive because I see us getting more serious and I'm uncomfortable with us dating others or trying to date others".

On the sexual health front have a direct conversation when you're both dressed and sober about what would happen if there were an unplanned pregnancy.

[Rose Mosse]

-I’d like to see where she’s at and see if we’re on the same or similar pages.

....

The other part of me knows how I feel and how interested I am, and wouldn’t want to wait too long or maybe give off an incorrect impression of what I’m looking for.

 

If you are interested that should answer all your questions. Why the hesitation? Both of you have already shared a lot of time together.

 

I think it's a good way for you to tell her how you feel. Also, not everyone might have an answer right away or agree to be mutually exclusive right then. She may want to think about it. If that's the case, you can decide from there what to do. From the sounds of it she's just as interested in you as you are in her.

[Coldarmy13]

She said she was a one at a time sort of gal, so that’s a yes! [emoji120]

[Batya33]

She said she was a one at a time sort of gal, so that’s a yes! [emoji120]

 

Well yes that speaks to sexual monogamy and is kind of vague too - did you two agree on monogamy or you just interpreted her comment? Again if you're willing to risk pregnancy and STDs and you also have feelings for your sexual partner why in the world would you be content with vague comments?

[Coldarmy13]

Well yes that speaks to sexual monogamy and is kind of vague too - did you two agree on monogamy or you just interpreted her comment? Again if you're willing to risk pregnancy and STDs and you also have feelings for your sexual partner why in the world would you be content with vague comments?

 

No, I was clear on the details that was just her initial response. I asked how she felt about us dating exclusively. That I didn’t have any real interest wanting to see anyone else and was at a point to where if she was it would be okay, but would bother me enough to where I’d rather not. She smiled and agreed to it.

[reinventmyself]

Happy for you !

[Batya33]

No, I was clear on the details that was just her initial response. I asked how she felt about us dating exclusively. That I didn’t have any real interest wanting to see anyone else and was at a point to where if she was it would be okay, but would bother me enough to where I’d rather not. She smiled and agreed to it.

 

Good news! Glad you two are on the same page!

[Coldarmy13]

Ughhh.

So, about a week ago we were discussing plans for us on NYE, and only days ago having Christmas Eve dinner with her family and Christmas Day dinner with my family, she called me yesterday saying she thought we should be friends. So many things seemed so great and it seemed we were moving in a good direction then BOOM it’s over. I’m still in some bit of shock after such a guy punch. Honestly, it hurts much more, maybe since it feels so out of the blue. 
 

She gave me reasons. she thinks we are different types of people? That doesn’t make too much sense because we always seemed to click in person. Maybe she got scared? She has been single for two years. All I know is that I’m actually devastated and it’s pretty bad.