His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

[Anon333]

I met him at my work and he introduced himself to me a year ago. We have mutual friends and I befriended him on instagram and then he sent me a message saying he thought I was really cute and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I told him thank you but I was just getting out of a relationship and needed time. I wasn't really interested in him at all and it was more of an ego boost that someone liked me. We stayed in touch and he became a closer friend. He would bring me things into my work and got me a plant for my birthday.

 

When the pandemic hit I decided to spend more time with him because we both wanted to get more exercise and get out. I made it clear I only wanted to be friends still. As the months went on us of us spending time I became more comfortable with him and started to have more feelings and was curious about him and I. I also was interesting in having sex since I hadn't had it in over a year. So I decided to move the relationship into an intimate relationship. He wanted to spend more time with me and said he hasn't liked anyone like me in a long time. I didnt have anxiety about the relationship up until recently when I realized my feelings may be growing more an I wanted to know where we stood. I have tried to be cautious with my heart and I feel like maybe I exaggerated my post to paint a bad light on him.

 

All the responses I am getting are really extreme asking me what is wrong with me like i carelessly jumped into something when I have been really cautious and I still am. I feel I can walk away from this if i need to. But my conversation with him last night made it clear he said he has been monogamous with me and hasn't been sexting or in any type of relationship with anyone else. He said it would be scummy of him to do such a thing when we had that conversation and agreed to monogamy. He apologized for making me feel like it was about sex and said Im the first person he's wanted a real relationship with in a long time. He has shown he likes to spend time with me by planning vacations and he isn't hiding me and wanted me to meet his friends at his birthday the other week. He even wanted to do a halloween costume with me together. I agree that I want him to be screaming from the rooftops his devotion to me and although I do know he's really into me and really likes me I do see he is being cautious as well. That is the point I am at, trying to figure out if it is safe to move forward. I know he is very much into me and it is more than sex, I just dont know if we line up in the long run with values like I said. his sexuality seems much more casual to me and sex and emotional connection are important to me.

[Anon333]

those statistics are good to know. Thank you for all of that insight. Alo for better reference I am 40 and he is 30.

[Batya33]

He is monogamous -sexually. And, for now only. He is not committed to you, including emotionally. Two very different things.

 

He's not being the least bit cautious -he's swapping bodily fluids with you regularly and risking having a child with you for months now. If you don't feel safe committing to him why do you feel safe having sex with him? He is into you for more than sex. He likes you, he likes hanging out with you. And after all this time he dismisses commitment as a label and is "not ready" to commit to you. So yes he is into you and not just for sex. And he doesn't want to be your boyfriend/partner/significant other. Both are true.

[Batya33]

My friend was 40 when she married her 30 year old husband. He was her dance instructor. They met when she was in her late 30s. He committed to her quickly and they married about two years later. Because of the age difference and their income difference she had him sign a prenup. They had twins a few years later. From all I know they are still married (this was over 10 years ago). Of course it can work despite the age difference. If both want the same things. You two do not. He may be honest that he's ready to bed you and have the privilege of your friendship too but not ready to call you his person -call you his partner - and he also knows you're settling for scraps even if he didn't say that. So his respect for you is not going to increase and likely will decrease and he will be even less motivated to decide if he's ready for more than bedding/hanging out. My friend's dance instructor husband was very handsome and I'm sure lots of women wanted him. But he wanted her. And wanted to be committed to her.

 

I cannot stand when women are dishonest with themselves in this way. And so often they blame the man for "leading them on" and get jaded about men . You say you're not sure either -but you're far more sure than he is. So if he said today =-let's be a real couple -you would say "no I'm not ready?"

[Anon333]

im just confused on what is commitment then. we both have been exclusive and we both have been spending quality time together and he has made it clear he's serious about me. I dont know if either of us is sure about the relationship. Im sure if I told him a boyfriend/girlfriend label was important to me than he would use it. What are the scraps Im settling for? because he doesn't want to marry after 4 months? Im really confused about this relationship stuff and I think I confused him last night as well. Maybe it is a matter of labels? Maybe it is him telling me he is devoted to making making a long term relationship work? The way he worded it last night is that he wants things to work and maybe we will still be together till we are old, but he is being cautious too.

[Batya33]

im just confused on what is commitment then. we both have been exclusive and we both have been spending quality time together and he has made it clear he's serious about me. I dont know if either of us is sure about the relationship. Im sure if I told him a boyfriend/girlfriend label was important to me than he would use it. What are the scraps Im settling for? because he doesn't want to marry after 4 months? Im really confused about this relationship stuff and I think I confused him last night as well. Maybe it is a matter of labels? Maybe it is him telling me he is devoted to making making a long term relationship work? The way he worded it last night is that he wants things to work and maybe we will still be together till we are old, but he is being cautious too.

 

Here is what commitment is:

 

We are only going to date each other and are not looking to date anyone else -it's not just "you're the only person I'm dating right now" or "the only person I'm sleeping with right now". You are not confused. You're trying to rationalize it since you want different things. He sees it as just a label -he's dismissive of it - that should tell you everything.

 

If he sees potential here he will tell you he is excited to just be with you, he has no interest in dating anyone else or looking to date anyone else (not just "right now I am not dating anyone") and he can't wait to hold you out as his person, his SO, his partner when you're out and about or with friends and family. He has no desire to look elsewhere. Of course nothing is forever and commitments are broken but is has NOTHING to do with "right now I'm not bedding anyone else and I'm not ready to put a "label" on it"

 

The scraps - you have sex with him and he orgasms inside of you . The next morning you play house and have breakfast and he goes along his merry way. An hour later you see that he's active on a site and of course you check -I mean he's not your boyfriend -right? And you see him flirting with someone else or seeming to flirt, or you find him on a dating or sex site. Your tummy lurches. But you have to lurch in silence because he has been honest with you - right now he is not with anyone else. That could change in an hour and he need not even mention it to you. Because he already told you he wants to keep his options open. So there are your scraps -that sick feeling of knowing that he could be anywhere doing anything and it's perfectly consistent with what you are settling for.

[Rose Mosse]

I met him at my work and he introduced himself to me a year ago. We have mutual friends and I befriended him on instagram and then he sent me a message saying he thought I was really cute and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I told him thank you but I was just getting out of a relationship and needed time. I wasn't really interested in him at all and it was more of an ego boost that someone liked me. We stayed in touch and he became a closer friend. He would bring me things into my work and got me a plant for my birthday.

 

When the pandemic hit I decided to spend more time with him because we both wanted to get more exercise and get out. I made it clear I only wanted to be friends still. As the months went on us of us spending time I became more comfortable with him and started to have more feelings and was curious about him and I. I also was interesting in having sex since I hadn't had it in over a year. So I decided to move the relationship into an intimate relationship. He wanted to spend more time with me and said he hasn't liked anyone like me in a long time. I didnt have anxiety about the relationship up until recently when I realized my feelings may be growing more an I wanted to know where we stood. I have tried to be cautious with my heart and I feel like maybe I exaggerated my post to paint a bad light on him.

 

All the responses I am getting are really extreme asking me what is wrong with me like i carelessly jumped into something when I have been really cautious and I still am. I feel I can walk away from this if i need to. But my conversation with him last night made it clear he said he has been monogamous with me and hasn't been sexting or in any type of relationship with anyone else. He said it would be scummy of him to do such a thing when we had that conversation and agreed to monogamy. He apologized for making me feel like it was about sex and said Im the first person he's wanted a real relationship with in a long time. He has shown he likes to spend time with me by planning vacations and he isn't hiding me and wanted me to meet his friends at his birthday the other week. He even wanted to do a halloween costume with me together. I agree that I want him to be screaming from the rooftops his devotion to me and although I do know he's really into me and really likes me I do see he is being cautious as well. That is the point I am at, trying to figure out if it is safe to move forward. I know he is very much into me and it is more than sex, I just dont know if we line up in the long run with values like I said. his sexuality seems much more casual to me and sex and emotional connection are important to me.

 

This could be your insecurities talking again or you just looking down on a lifestyle that's different from you. Either way this doesn't sound like a mutually respectful union. I don't think he deserves to be with someone who is suspicious of him or his values.

[Batya33]

I dated someone I was over the moon for once. I didn't have intercourse with him because we weren't yet exclusive or in love. I don't do casual sex. I respect others do. Anyway he would stay over and we did fool around -just no sex. He left my house. Two hours later I saw he'd been active on the site on which we met. So I winked at him on the site. He called me. We'd been dating three months. He said "I just need a little more time - I'm just not ready to commit." I decided in my head to give it up to one more month. He started fading out a few weeks later. We had one more date at which he deliberately set things up so I'd see an awful side of him I'd never seen before but that he'd referenced was in his past. He was totally fine to me -had nothing to do with hurting me in any way. But I was done -we talked about it and he admitted he still needed therapy but wasn't getting it. I ended things -he protested some but let me. I knew he'd wanted me to end things.

 

He did end up getting married some years later -she looks like me LOL. They seem happy. I am happy for him. I don't regret dating him that one more month -that was my boundary.

Oh -two months later I started dating my future husband. Imagine if I'd hung on to him longer and missed out on my husband!!! (I was almost 39 at the time).

[Anon333]

oof. On one hand Im being told by everyone to be suspicious of him and not trust him and on the other I am possibly being unfair and disrespectful of his values. This really did feel like a healthy relationship up until a couple weeks ago. The slow start and getting to know each other as friends, the intimacy and quality time together. I think we were both enjoying it but I was wondering mostly if he was still talking and sexting with other women, to which he told me last night he has not been. But now it feels like a whole other bag of issues is unloaded. yes I have been insecure about him because of his casualness with sex. This seems to be a red fag to many people on this post and to others something I am being judgmental about.

[Rose Mosse]

oof. On one hand Im being told by everyone to be suspicious of him and not trust him and on the other I am possibly being unfair and disrespectful of his values. This really did feel like a healthy relationship up until a couple weeks ago. The slow start and getting to know each other as friends, the intimacy and quality time together. I think we were both enjoying it but I was wondering mostly if he was still talking and sexting with other women, to which he told me last night he has not been. But now it feels like a whole other bag of issues is unloaded. yes I have been insecure about him because of his casualness with sex. This seems to be a red fag to many people on this post and to others something I am being judgmental about.

 

They're two sides of the same coin. Both of you are different people. I think people looking out for your best interests, as I did in my first post, have all told you that this is not a good match.

 

No matter how you cut it or want to portray this situation both of you are still different people. The sad part is that no matter what he says or any type of assurances he gives you, you will still be suspicious of him.

 

It's a very unhealthy dynamic you're choosing. If you're able to walk away, why don't you?

[Batya33]

oof. On one hand Im being told by everyone to be suspicious of him and not trust him and on the other I am possibly being unfair and disrespectful of his values. This really did feel like a healthy relationship up until a couple weeks ago. The slow start and getting to know each other as friends, the intimacy and quality time together. I think we were both enjoying it but I was wondering mostly if he was still talking and sexting with other women, to which he told me last night he has not been. But now it feels like a whole other bag of issues is unloaded. yes I have been insecure about him because of his casualness with sex. This seems to be a red fag to many people on this post and to others something I am being judgmental about.

 

You can be totally respectful without being romantically involved with him. You are allowed to be judgmental about who you date. He's not someone you're interviewing for a job. He's not a buddy of yours where it's none of your business what his casual sex stuff is unless it means you have little in common or you are personally offended by his risky behavior for example. Please don't go there with "Oh I should be open minded - I mean he's an adult who likes to have casual sex - I mean I like to have casual binges on chocolate cake and he doesn't judge me -I'm not perfect and he doesn't judge me"

 

I declined to date men who were promiscuous or thought being so was ok. I had several friends men and women who were promiscuous. If their behavior bothered me we changed the topic. But if I went on a date with someone who was or who thought casual sex was fine to do I knew we weren't a match. Call it judgmental - that's fine - we all judge when we date - you judged his looks right -you wouldn't have had sex with him if in your opinion he wasn't hot/cute, right?

 

Tell him "I respect your choices and your choices are not a good match with mine when it comes to a potentially serious relationship. I wish you the best"

 

Let's see- so, if he tell you he got a blow job the day before he saw you but it was quick and you know he was just horny and he wasn't cheating on you of course would it be judgmental of you to say you "you know I can't have sex with you because you got a blow job last night - I know she had been tested and all and you were so careful and I mean wow I should still have sex with you because I am not a judgmental person and it would be so unfair for me to judge you on acting on your desire for a blow job from the woman in the bar you met -I mean you were drunk! We all make mistakes and I'm not perfect so - just hold on I'll be right back and get a condom - just to be safe. I'm gonna be open minded cause I respect you and I am not going to be that judgey type of woman!!"

[Anon333]

They're two sides of the same coin. Both of you are different people. I think people looking out for your best interests, as I did in my first post, have all told you that this is not a good match.

 

No matter how you cut it or want to portray this situation both of you are still different people. The sad part is that no matter what he says or any type of assurances he gives you, you will still be suspicious of him.

 

It's a very unhealthy dynamic you're choosing. If you're able to walk away, why don't you?

 

because its felt healthy and good for the majority of the relationship and him and I havent openly discussed these things up until last night, so Im trying to be fair because we both do really like each other and have fun. I will walk away if I know it has no hope of working, which everyone on here is saying.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think it's judgemental in a bad way to be wary of a man who suggests you sell your sexuality online. That hurt your feelings and that's valid. He wasn't being respectful of you. That's him acting like a little pimp.

The issue isn't whether or not you are being accepting of sex workers etc. in general. It's that this guy is treating you like a hooker, to be blunt. That's why you feel unsafe. He sees your sexuality as a commodity.

This is my opinion just based on the info you gave. Like Lost said, I think he's grooming you to go further and further from what you would normally do and be ok with.

Not a good guy.

[Anon333]

And I do think if I got reassurance from him and had a serious conversation and found we could commit in a comfortable way for each of us that I would not be as suspicious. This is an issue Ive had in the past of insecurity and it is true that someone like him may not help these things.

[Anon333]

I don't think it's judgemental in a bad way to be wary of a man who suggests you sell your sexuality online. That hurt your feelings and that's valid. He wasn't being respectful of you. That's him acting like a little pimp.

The issue isn't whether or not you are being accepting of sex workers etc. in general. It's that this guy is treating you like a hooker, to be blunt. That's why you feel unsafe. He sees your sexuality as a commodity.

This is my opinion just based on the info you gave. Like Lost said, I think he's grooming you to go further and further from what you would normally do and be ok with.

Not a good guy.

 

perhaps, to be fair it was a quick comment I think he made almost thinking he was complimenting me. Like you could make money off this. It totally turned me off and I made that clear. He has close friends that are sex workers so I guess he was thinking like that but it definitely cheapened the intimacy for me.

[Anon333]

No one thinks this relationship will work even though it has felt really healthy and good and him and I are having open honest conversation. I guess I have to decide what to do. tomorrow is my birthday and I know he wanted to make it really special for me. I know he really does care about me. He has been very sweet to me and a great friend as well. I will be sad to end it and dont want to regret ending things too soon either.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't know why you continue to spend time with someone who has friends who are dissimilar to you, tastes and values that are dissimilar to you and whom you really don't think highly of at all. The truth is it looks bad on you, not on him. You know he doesn't appeal to you and you look down on him for his choices or his friends but you continue to keep seeing him. Don't take this in a bad way but I think your self-worth is very low.

 

When you met him you were recovering out of a break up so this person you're seeing now is a rebound. Give yourself more time to heal and get back on your feet.

[itsallgrand]

perhaps, to be fair it was a quick comment I think he made almost thinking he was complimenting me. Like you could make money off this. It totally turned me off and I made that clear. He has close friends that are sex workers so I guess he was thinking like that but it definitely cheapened the intimacy for me.

 

I think you know it's not a compliment. And if he thinks it's appropriate to talk to women that way, that's even worse.

[Anon333]

I don't know why you continue to spend time with someone who has friends who are dissimilar to you, tastes and values that are dissimilar to you and whom you really don't think highly of at all. The truth is it looks bad on you, not on him. You know he doesn't appeal to you and you look down on him for his choices or his friends but you continue to keep seeing him. Don't take this in a bad way but I think your self-worth is very low.

 

When you met him you were recovering out of a break up so this person you're seeing now is a rebound. Give yourself more time to heal and get back on your feet.

 

i dont look down on him or his friends at all. I have no issues with sex workers. It is more I feel he is obsessed with that lifestyle in some way or it could be my insecurities. We have similar tastes and some mutual friends. I dont look down on any of him or his friends to be clear.

[Anon333]

also I didnt start dating him for almost a year after my last relationship to make sure I wasn't rebounding.

[Rose Mosse]

Seems disingenuous or inconsistent, Anon333. You've had problems with his "values" for awhile. That's the entire reason for you questioning the relationship so to say that you don't look down on him or aren't uneasy about his past or his friends isn't very consistent.

 

One one hand you appear very suspicious and judgmental. On the other hand, he's a man of loose morals that would give everyone reason to be suspicious. I agree with itsallgrand on the red flag and close friends who are sex workers. I don't know any man who voluntarily has "sex workers" for "friends". The story is a bit more and more difficult to believe.

[Batya33]

And I do think if I got reassurance from him and had a serious conversation and found we could commit in a comfortable way for each of us that I would not be as suspicious. This is an issue Ive had in the past of insecurity and it is true that someone like him may not help these things.

 

It's not an "issue" -it's a normal way a person considers whether he/she is with someone with potential for the future. It's your inner voice telling you that this person has incompatible values and chooses behavior that you find too risky and uncomfortable.

What does it mean to "commit in a comfortable way for each of us?" You commit as a couple -you commit where you both feel comfortable with the same level of commitment. Not "for each of you" -that's not a commitment. That's two people living separate lives within a relationship -a relationship without a commitment - that's what you have right now. You have a sexual arrangement with your friend. So each of you do what's comfortable -you pine away for him hoping he will morph into a person who isn't comfortable with casual sex and promiscuity in his own life, who is respectful of people who choose to be prostitutes and escorts and the like but doesn't choose to be romantically involved or involved in a way that would require him to risk his health or reputation. Yes -you understand that right - I would not want to be closely affiliated with someone who chose to be a sex worker because I wouldn't want to give the impression that I was ok with it other than respectful from a distance (meaning if the sex worker is doing something legal and not hurting or abusing another person).

 

Of course you didn't discuss these things until recently -you were afraid to because if you brought it up the sex and companionship might end - but now that you want more from him emotionally and commitment wise and now that you might be feeling a wee bit too ill about having sex with someone who would make the comments he made -now you feel you must bring it up. of course you do.

[Wiseman2]

Why not enjoy it for what it is however it lasts?

No one thinks this relationship will work even though it has felt really healthy and good and him and I are having open honest conversation. I guess I have to decide what to do. tomorrow is my birthday and I know he wanted to make it really special for me. I know he really does care about me. He has been very sweet to me and a great friend as well. I will be sad to end it and dont want to regret ending things too soon either.

[Anon333]

I dont look down on him, but I am uneasy about his past and us not matching in our values. I dont feel anyone is better or worse, just different. I do think the way he has gone about this relationship reflects those differences which I do disapprove of to an extent. But I know this person pretty well and I trust he wants to be honest and upfront about everything. It is really difficult for me to navigate because emotionally I think I need more security. This is the generation gap issue I was talking about. I live in a city area and its common now for 30 and 20 year olds to be way more open about sex than I am used to. Many friends have opened only fan pages on instagram during pandemic to make money. I see their posts of of partly naked bodies and asking people to follow them. I dont judge. I just think how I could never do that, but good for them. I also see it as a younger generational thing. So its just not him, its common nowadays now to sell sex online in this way. I think he's grown up with it and is more comfortable with it and my values are a little more traditional. I think it kind of takes way the intimacy and emotional part of sex when your lifestyle is surrounded by that. I have no problem with porn, its just a confusing line when the porn is of friends.

[Rose Mosse]

I dont look down on him, but I am uneasy about his past and us not matching in our values. I dont feel anyone is better or worse, just different. I do think the way he has gone about this relationship reflects those differences which I do disapprove of to an extent. But I know this person pretty well and I trust he wants to be honest and upfront about everything. It is really difficult for me to navigate because emotionally I think I need more security. This is the generation gap issue I was talking about. I live in a city area and its common now for 30 and 20 year olds to be way more open about sex than I am used to. Many friends have opened only fan pages on instagram during pandemic to make money. I see their posts of of partly naked bodies and asking people to follow them. I dont judge. I just think how I could never do that, but good for them. I also see it as a younger generational thing. So its just not him, its common nowadays now to sell sex online in this way. I think he's grown up with it and is more comfortable with it and my values are a little more traditional. I think it kind of takes way the intimacy and emotional part of sex when your lifestyle is surrounded by that. I have no problem with porn, its just a confusing line when the porn is of friends.

 

It's not common in the 30 or 20 somethings I know and selling sex online is not common to me. I think you've spent too much time with the wrong crowd where "wrong" doesn't mean being better or worse but it's not your crowd. These are not your people. They are not your tribe. I'm not sure how else to make it more clear. Try extracting yourself from this arena and finding more likeminded people. You'll find yourself having less of these issues.

 

I agree with you that you need more security. I don't think this is unreasonable.