Dealing with a husband that just doesn't care anymore

[Lambert]

In my eyes, I’m getting ignored right now, but the last few days have been an improvement. I guess you can kind of see my point in possibly wanting a threesome as one of my last attempts. I don’t feel like I would be manipulated by either because he has brought this up years ago, so I know it’s not due to our marriage issues. So I’m really at a toss as to what to do about that.

 

We are having a few of his guy friends over tonight, he is looking forward to it. I’m actually trying to remain hopeful.

I understand where you're coming from. Just don't lose yourself in this. you know what I mean?

 

He needs to commit to dealing with his problems and doing the work to get back to healthy mind and marriage.

 

I think I can tolerate a lot, if a person is trying. but you can't be the only one trying long term. that's not right.

[Steph096]

I understand where you're coming from. Just don't lose yourself in this. you know what I mean?

 

He needs to commit to dealing with his problems and doing the work to get back to healthy mind and marriage.

 

I think I can tolerate a lot, if a person is trying. but you can't be the only one trying long term. that's not right.

 

I want to get him in a mind set to try and deal with the problems and have a healthy mind.

 

If you were me, what would you do? (You don’t have to say publicly if you don’t want.)

 

I’m not anticipating anything happening tonight. Just that the friend (and others) will be over. He’s all excited. He has even taken half the day off to get ready. This is the most excitement and energy I’ve seen him have in months.

[DancingFool]

You can't fix him or get him into any mindset.

 

If you have to jump through hoops and pretzel yourself into whatever in order to get your SO to even notice you, your relationship is over. The more you jump through hoops, the more you pretzel and twist yourself, the more you shrink your needs and who you are just to get some basic attention from him....the more you'll destroy yourself as a human being.

 

Threesomes won't save your marriage the same way that a bandaid won't fix a broken leg. Sure, he might be all excited for one night and then what? What more, what's next? How many other hoops do you want to jump through? Do you see how impossible and exhausting this is?

[Lambert]

I want to get him in a mind set to try and deal with the problems and have a healthy mind.

 

If you were me, what would you do? (You don’t have to say publicly if you don’t want.)

 

I’m not anticipating anything happening tonight. Just that the friend (and others) will be over. He’s all excited. He has even taken half the day off to get ready. This is the most excitement and energy I’ve seen him have in months.

If it were me....

 

1. I would let today play out. he's happy, so seize that opportunity to be happy, too. have fun together with the friends.. And see if it builds a momentum over the next few days.

 

If he goes back to ignoring you and no effort, I would find time to have a talk about it. I would ask him if he wants this marriage to work. And have an honest discussion about his feelings and mine, planning next steps to fix this.

 

If he can't make a plan, I would ask him how he sees this all playing out.

 

It may not work. I'm sorry to say. you can't get him to any point. he has to meet you there.

 

one person cannot maintain a relationship on their own. no matter how much they want to. Effort does ebb and flow as we are individuals living our own lives, while also living within a relationship. We go through hard times and the energy isn't there but! our individual problems can't be an excuse for long term neglect.

 

2. While you are giving him a chance to kind of see the light, also start exploring your own feelings. are you willing to divorce over this? you can only play the I want out card once. because if you don't follow through, you become the girl that cried wolf.

 

Really # 1 is this:

 

Know in your heart what you want and what you will accept. then do not accept less.

 

I definitely would not have a threesome. my love is not a bribe to hold a person to me. it is an expression of me and my feelings. If I feel ignored and neglected I turn my love inward... because I choose me over all.

[Steph096]

If it were me....

 

1. I would let today play out. he's happy, so seize that opportunity to be happy, too. have fun together with the friends.. And see if it builds a momentum over the next few days.

 

If he goes back to ignoring you and no effort, I would find time to have a talk about it. I would ask him if he wants this marriage to work. And have an honest discussion about his feelings and mine, planning next steps to fix this.

 

If he can't make a plan, I would ask him how he sees this all playing out.

 

It may not work. I'm sorry to say. you can't get him to any point. he has to meet you there.

 

one person cannot maintain a relationship on their own. no matter how much they want to. Effort does ebb and flow as we are individuals living our own lives, while also living within a relationship. We go through hard times and the energy isn't there but! our individual problems can't be an excuse for long term neglect.

 

2. While you are giving him a chance to kind of see the light, also start exploring your own feelings. are you willing to divorce over this? you can only play the I want out card once. because if you don't follow through, you become the girl that cried wolf.

 

Really # 1 is this:

 

Know in your heart what you want and what you will accept. then do not accept less.

 

I definitely would not have a threesome. my love is not a bribe to hold a person to me. it is an expression of me and my feelings. If I feel ignored and neglected I turn my love inward... because I choose me over all.

 

Thanks. I’m going to let him have his night. He’s been home for about an hour and is just full of energy. I don’t know why or what’s gotten into him.

 

Getting a divorce will be difficult but it’s still probably the best solution.

 

I haven’t ruled out the threesome, but I’m still hanging onto hope.

 

We have a night planned with games, food and a few drinks. I’m even kind of looking forward to this since we haven’t had any interaction. I will dress cute in hopes to get some attention from him.

[Steph096]

Update: The party ended up going well. Everyone was respectful, even the guy my Husband wants to have the threesome with. My husband and I talked more during that than we have all month. When everyone left that night, we took a bath together and reflected on the day. I was surprised he joined me. I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didn’t really work. I did offer to give him a blow job and was thanked and he said that he loved me. Both words I haven’t heard him say in a long time.

 

Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else. We did manage to eat dinner together, which we haven’t had dinner together since we were on vacation.

 

Still beyond confused and struggling.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Maybe it's time to stop trying to over-please him to get the level of love and affection and attention back that was before you married.

 

The good times seem unfortunately short lived, then he's back to same old. Since you are not interested in divorce and marriage therapy is not helping perhaps you can start using other things, such as the polar opposite of what you have been trying (tolerating, over-pleasing, talking, etc.) When you reward selfishness and bad behavior with blow jobs, making him dinner, etc. why should he change?

I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didn’t really work.

 

Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else.

[DancingFool]

Update: The party ended up going well. Everyone was respectful, even the guy my Husband wants to have the threesome with. My husband and I talked more during that than we have all month. When everyone left that night, we took a bath together and reflected on the day. I was surprised he joined me. I tried to talk to him more about other things but that didn’t really work. I did offer to give him a blow job and was thanked and he said that he loved me. Both words I haven’t heard him say in a long time.

 

Saturday was like a typical Saturday though. Games plus everyone else. We did manage to eat dinner together, which we haven’t had dinner together since we were on vacation.

 

Still beyond confused and struggling.

 

Well.....you gave him a blowjob, did he return the favor? No, right? Your relationship is a one way street. You give, he takes. You are dancing a desperate dance trying to get him to reciprocate, but he doesn't. "I love you" is a meaningless statement when his actions speak so loudly that he doesn't even care. He is treating you like a thing, no better than a kitchen appliance. Meanwhile you are so desperate that him so much an acknowledging your existence feels like a victory. Actually breaks my heart reading your situation. I really hope you do find the strength to walk away and see him for who he actually is before you waste any more years on him.

[Steph096]

Thank you all for the help and advice.

 

I do have an update.

 

-We are still married.

-We are seeing therapists individually

-We are seeing a marriage counselor together weekly.

-Communication is better, not ideal.

- He is gaming, not as much, though.

-We had sex four times since October 14th.

-Oct 31st, we did have a threesome.

 

I’m still emotional, but am feeling hopeful, more than before. I feel like he is putting forth effort in making things better, but still time will tell. Divorce is still an option.

[Jibralta]

-We had sex four times since October 14th.

-Oct 31st, we did have a threesome.

 

I don't know... I get the impression that he is gay or bisexual... Him being all charged up about his friend coming over, him wanting to share you with said friend, and then your sex life spiking since seeing the friend, in the days leading up to the threesome...

[Steph096]

I don't know... I get the impression that he is gay or bisexual... Him being all charged up about his friend coming over, him wanting to share you with said friend, and then your sex life spiking since seeing the friend, in the days leading up to the threesome...

I get it. I don’t think much of it since he’s talked about a threesome for years. It’s not really a surprise or a shock.

[Jibralta]

Understood, but I've never heard of a heterosexual guy talking about having a threesome with a man for any reason other than it being a form of compensation to his girlfriend/wife for having a threesome with another woman. I don't know why his interest in you declined so sharply after marriage. That is odd. But I'm really surprised that you never thought anything of his threesome fantasy. That's a big brow-raiser right there. I think there's a lot more than meets the eye here, and you better start digging.

[MissCanuck]

I don't know... I get the impression that he is gay or bisexual...

 

I think so, too.

 

I say that having participated in MFM threesomes a couple times in my day. The other man in the equation was never the reason for my partner to get all jazzed up.

 

Sorry, OP. I believe the real reason your husband lacks interest in you is because he is more interested in men than he wants to admit (both to you and to himself) He wants something you can't offer him, and he hasn't yet come to terms with that.

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear how agreeing to this is making anything better.

 

It sounds like he's still checked out of the marriage and you are hanging on desperately thinking being even more of a doormat will help.

 

By the time you are done "trying to make it work", you'll be unrecognizable to yourself.

-Oct 31st, we did have a threesome.

[Steph096]

Understood, but I've never heard of a heterosexual guy talking about having a threesome with a man for any reason other than it being a form of compensation to his girlfriend/wife for having a threesome with another woman. I don't know why his interest in you declined so sharply after marriage. That is odd. But I'm really surprised that you never thought anything of his threesome fantasy. That's a big brow-raiser right there. I think there's a lot more than meets the eye here, and you better start digging.

 

I get what you’re saying. Before we were married, we were crazy sexual, so the talk and thought of a threesome with his friend wasn’t even a brow-raiser for me. So that’s why I don’t really think much of it or question. It was something I agreed to, and to be honest, it was something I needed personally. I’ll say that since we have had it, communication has been decent.

[Steph096]

It's unclear how agreeing to this is making anything better.

 

It sounds like he's still checked out of the marriage and you are hanging on desperately thinking being even more of a doormat will help.

 

By the time you are done "trying to make it work", you'll be unrecognizable to yourself.

 

I didn’t agree to the threesome to make things work. It’s something that I thought about and honestly, I took advantage of the situation more than they probably did. Not to get into it too much, but I felt like a Queen and for me, this is what I needed.

 

Things between him and I have been decent since, so who knows what will happen next.

[Steph096]

Hey all. 

 

I just thought I'd post an update on this issue. So like I said above, my husband and I did have a threesome, a few times, actually in November. It was the biggest eye opening experience for me, regarding my husband, and I'm thankful we did it for a few different reasons, A- I loved it, and B- It showed me the type of person he is.

 

 

Soooo.... fast forward to now. We are now divorced. It was a pretty cut and dry, we didn't have a lot together, no kids (thankfully.)  My ex-husband is confused with life in general, and unfortunately, I am not going on the ride with him to figure out himself and his life. The divorce has been finalized now for about a month. (I moved out of our home the end of December.) 

In January, I re-connected with an old male friend of mine I've known for years. He lives a distance away, so we see each other as often as we can. We have planned a week trip to the same place my ex-husband and I went last summer in June, and needless to say, he can't wait to be naked with me in the pool and outside  I'm now feeling like myself again and feel like I'm in a good place, all thanks to a lot of you posters on here. 

So feel free to ask a question if you'd like, but I just wanted to say, life is really good right now.

[smackie9]

I'm glad you have found your happiness...and feeling so good! congratz.

[Jibralta]

Glad it all worked out!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Steph096 said:

The divorce has been finalized now for about a month.

Excellent. Enjoy dating again.

[Steph096]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Enjoy dating again.

Thank you! I have my eyes on the guy I'm taking to now, but we aren't official and am keeping all of my options open, which I don't think will hurt.