Let this be a warning...

[Burning_Down]

Somewhere around here is a thread where I mentioned a really shy girl who I was totally besotted with. She's perfect in my eyes. We were just friends to start with but suddenly I woke up one morning with a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach...

 

...Somehow I'd fallen for her in a big way and I had to tell her. I did and she turned me down in the gentlest way possible saying she was confused. Our friendship became a lot closer after that.

 

We'd spend a lot of time cuddling. We'd talk on MSN every night. She'd come round to my house and watch DVD's cuddled up on the sofa with me. Everyone thought we were a couple.

 

After that I was totally consumed with the idea that we should be a couple. I searched the Internet high and low for information on how to escape the 'friendzone'. Eventually I settled on a strategy. I'd ignore her for as long as it took. She'd see sense and come running back to me admitting her mistake in not thinking we could be a couple and we'd live happily ever after.

 

Well...I'm not saying it definitely wouldn't have worked, but I met her by accident a couple of weeks into my period of NC and she seemed fine. We chatted and went our separate ways. It suddenly struck me then that I was being entirely selfish. I'd cut off a really good friend because I wanted more. This girl seemed so vulnerable sometimes. She'd opened up to me like she wouldn't to anyone else. She'd told me stuff that, to this day, only I know. And yet I'd had to be 'The Man' and have more than she was willing to give...

 

...Now she hardly speaks to me. Frankly that's no more than I deserve. I say that without a hint of self-pity (though I have enough of that inside me) and I say it because I'd wish this feeling on nobody.

 

There are lessons to be learned here:

 

1) For those who simply have to try to change a friend to a lover, there was a time when I think it could have been done. When she was in her 'cuddly' phase. I totally wimped-out and she lost interest (perhaps). I had a lot to lose by making a move there but I would've saved a lot of heart-ache.

 

2) There was no good reason to change the relationship anyway. I had a good friend. Sure, she lost interest in being physically close to me but we still talked like we'd known each other all our lives, meaning...

 

3) ...I could have just let something grow. Just occasionally that rarest of gems emerges - a relationship based on love between friends. There's no guarantees with that but it could've been...

 

I don't know if there's anything to be learned from this in other peoples' situations. Perhaps they're all different. Here's what I take away from it though - if I had my time again, I'd just stay as friends. What I destroyed, I did for me not for us.

[providentielle]

I can understand how you feel about this. I had a fantastic relationship with a male friend which has changed so much because feelings got involved and I feel so frustrated with myself at times about how I dealt with it.

I have to say that knowing you made a mistake is the best thing to come out of this, you will learn from it and it will make you a better person in the long run. I know that doesn't make what you are feeling any easier now, but in time it might.

The worst thing about this is that you hurt someone you care about. You said she hardly talk to you, but that means she does still talk to you. Have you explained to her why you stopped talking to her? She may not understand why and think that your feelings changed or she got to much for you or any number of reasons! I think that if you justswallowed your pride and told her you were stupid and why that it would make the whole situation better. At the very least she wont think she has done something to make you behave the way you did and it may even get your friendship back on track.

I say all this from experience, please think about it. Good luck

[Burning_Down]

Hi Providentielle,

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply. To be quite honest with you I don't know if she's not talking to me. Sometimes she just goes a bit quiet - she's a very private person. I don't like to ask because I've been guilty of doing that before when there was nothing wrong and she made it known that she doesn't like that - it makes her feel like something must be wrong.

 

No doubt after a little time I'll ask her in a roundabout way if things are okay and I definitely think it would be a good idea to be honest and tell her why I went quiet or a least put her mind at rest that it wasn't her fault.

[providentielle]

I really think that she is feeding off the way you are reacting to her. If she has confided in you and you had a close relationship then it is not easy to just give something like that up. You dont need to ask her if something is wrong, just say, look, sorry i've been an idiot, it's just because...... (fill the blanks) i miss you, do you think we can be friends again?

[Burning_Down]

The problem I have is that I've created a situation where I don't know if she even cares if I talk to her. She's complicated creature and I'm...a bit simple. So I guess all I can really do is say, "sorry if I've been a bit inattentive" and try to make it up to her somehow...

[providentielle]

I think that sounds like a good idea, people dont just stop caring about each other. It has to be your decision in the end but I really hope you talk to her, I know how I felt in a very similar situation and it an explanation, sooner than i got one, would have meant so much and could have saved our friendship before it was too late

[Chan209]

I'm really sorry to hear things turned out that way. I, too had looked high and low for information on getting out of the "friends zone". I ended up realizing that there was no one right answer and everyone's situation is different.

 

In my case (long story, very short).... my situation with my best friend (I liked her, she knew it...she knew it was killing me that we weren't together) fell apart last November. We went the "no contact" route where we just didn't want to talk to each other at all....this was until about 2 weeks ago when I saw her online and IMed her out of the blue (I figured "what the hell"). In the last 2 weeks, we've talked nearly every single day...and when we do talk, we talk for anywhere from 1-3 hours a day. Today we got together (face-to-face) for lunch for the first time since we went our own ways. It was....incredible. We talked, we joked, we laughed...it was like old times. We didn't talk about the past. We just talked about what was going on in our lives now, joked like we used to and just enjoyed each other's company. When we first started talking again a couple weeks ago, she asked if I actually wanted to be friends after what happened. I told her that I'd rather we be friends than not talk at all.

 

It's amazing what a little time can do. Good luck to you.

[Burning_Down]

Good to hear it turned out well for you Chan209.

 

Anyway, I sent her a message making it clear that it wasn't anything she'd done. We shall see if it makes a difference...

[providentielle]

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Burning_Down]

Not much to report really.

 

She sent me a message saying that it was no big deal...

 

Nothing else. Either it was a big deal, or something's changed in a big way between us.

 

I think, perhaps, she feels betrayed by the way I treated her - not about telling her how I felt...that was a long time ago and we were fine afterwards - but about just disappearing.