Getting fed up

[Rose Mosse]

How much did you tell her about yourself? You both spent a lot of time together even though it was one date. Were you compatible in terms of interests, where you're at in life, kids, commitments, prior obligations, how free or independent (not hung up about an ex) you both are? Are you similar intellectually or can you hold decent conversations? Usually a person can figure out all this information within the first date or two and make a decision on whether there's enough to go on.

 

Earlier this year I went on a date with someone who was compatible with me on paper but outside of that it seemed like he had some issues with his self-esteem as he kept referencing material possessions - his boat, his Vespa, his house, his other house. I got a bit distracted and asked about his dogs then and he continued to talk about his bikes as he owns several bikes. I changed the conversation then to his vacation plans and we ended up having a decent conversation about travel and other experiences. Nowhere in there did I get the idea that this person was in the right headspace for a relationship and he said it himself at the end of the date which is completely fine. When he came back three weeks later after vacation, I wasn't interested in meeting with him again. It was a good time and we had a lot of fun but I already knew this person wasn't going to be the right person for me.

 

I still think you can be thankful that she was honest with you and didn't see things moving forward. Sometimes we may not not always understand why but that's okay too. Don't take it so personally even if it appears on the surface that you have a lot in common, your perspectives or the way you regard some issues or topics may be dissimilar. I'm curious - did she leave you to talk a lot or did she contribute to any of the conversations?

[reinventmyself]

Thanks guys.

 

I'm still a bit confused. So from a woman's point of view spark is not the same as attraction? I would find it pretty hard to imagine a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive at all? We also had lots in common etc, so it wasn't entirely lust.

 

Now if she did find me attractive, which I assume she must have done to go to the lengths and time chatting and came all across town to meet me.....and stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, kept on messaging after our date and like I said we had lots in common beyond that and spoke about what her had in common.

 

Now I don't expect there to be a mad spark and unbelievable attraction on the first date. I don't expect there to be an emotional connection straight away if that's what people mean? Surely that's what you go on a second date for? First date should be fun, can you have fun together? Second date more building an emotional connection?

 

I mean I'm disappointed this girl is gone....but I'm more bothered about where it went wrong so not to repeat mistakes. Am I just misreading something?

Lots to think about here.

Life has taught me there are just some things I won't find the answer to. I catch myself at moments just like yours and learn to shrug it off. Beating myself up trying to find the answer when there isn't going to be is pointless.

 

We often make the mistake that when we feel an intense attraction we assume we couldn't possibly have gotten there unless the other person was going there too. As if it takes the energy between the two to get to that point. Right? I think that thinking leads that down the wrong path. I've seen it over and over. One person can get there while the other party never left the gate.

There is alot of unknowns. You don't know her, really. Maybe she is seeing someone else. Maybe she liked you but had more momentum with the next guy. Maybe she has a terminal illness. You just don't know why something didn't take hold. But the message here- - it may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Is there a lesson here? There always is. Don't invested too quick, even if you think there is a spark. Don't take them to bed unless you are ok with knowing that it doesn't guarentee anything after. Doing this mean less collateral damage and a faster bounce back.

 

It's hard to tell in type. . .but personally, I think you got invested too quick and it caused her to rethink it. Yes, even after she had sex.

Woman can have sex and not feel emotionally invested. It doesn't mean she didn't like you or didn't feel that spark. But long talks, that momentary spark and a one night stand doesn't always transelate into a future.

You can't change them but you can change the way you go about it. What would you do differently next time?

I personally don't engage in endless hours of chatting. It leads me to imagine what they might be like in person and they never match my imagination when we do meet. Not a bad thing. It's just hard to readjust the attachment I made in the moment and it throws me off. Its possible the same for her. She probably wanted the same thing you did but couldnt bring the two together.

[teach]

Thanks.

It's a great question.

I guess like for many guys, sex talk does lead to a spark. Maybe with women it doesn't. Which baffles me as to why amongst many other things she brought it up.

Like some say, maybe she knew then she might get me/a guy hooked to get what she wanted.

But she didn't only talk about sex, she talked about her kid, her job etc etc even after the date she told me her kid had scored a hat trick.

Seemed quite a lot of effort from her just to get a shag.

So maybe I shouldn't have sex with her....but I guess it was built up to that point. She came far across town too...and by the time we were wanting to go home, transport had finished and a taxi would have cost her a fortune.

So I didn't know she had brought a change of clothes until the morning, which did get me thinking, but on the one hand that could show there was a spark, the attraction had been built up for her to think that was gonna happen. On the other hand, yeah she might have just been up for a one night stand!

But her excuse of not going on a second date was there wasn't enough spark for her. Now that might be bull obviously, but it's usually true if women say that. As if you've attracted them enough they would at least want to pursue to a second date.

 

And that's why I'm wondering if anyone thinks theres a difference between attraction and spark?

Because next time if spark includes a more emotional connection rather than fun and attraction....I'll go a bit deeper with the conversations.

[teach]

Thanks for you message.

 

The whole of the first paragraph, yes. I couldn't myself think of any more compatible people. We are both single parents of boys hers aged 7 mine 8. She is a paediatric nurse and me a teacher. We both liked watching sport, both like being on the go and out and about...both similar attitudes to fun and risk. Both can't cook. In fact every interaction we had we found more and more in similar. While on our date live music came on, which I wasn't expecting and we were both singing to the same songs.

 

So as far as I was concerned there was enough attraction. I wouldn't say initially I would have gone after her on looks alone, but she was fairly cute and her personality definitely made her attractive.

 

And therefore, after she came back, stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, cuddled and held my hand and kept on messaging for 2 days after the date, I am baffled.

 

She said she was looking for a relationship and not one night stands.

 

I can't imagine she wasn't attracted to me at all. There surely must have been enough there for her to come back etc. There surely must have been enough in common for a second date.

 

The only things I can think of is, like people have said is that I didn't play it cool enough or she has bottled it.

 

Otherwise if people think attraction is different to spark, maybe she didn't think we connected on an emotional level?? But surely that's what a second date is for? And in future if people think that you need to connect emotionally, I'll try for deeper conversations rather than just fun.

[Rose Mosse]

If you really do feel you were so compatible or complementary, this may have nothing to do with you and her issues surfacing. There's always a silver lining when someone shows you who they are or what they think, even if it's not in your favour. You can take that information and make more informed decisions later on. If she tries contacting you again, you may think twice because she's inconsistent.

 

Go on more dates too (within reason). There's still no vaccine for Covid-19. Maybe in meeting other people also you'll find this isn't very uncommon - not to have the first or second dates work out. There are all kinds of people out there.

[teach]

Yeah I think that's good advice.

There may be a small chance she does contact me again in a few weeks. Possibly after she's been on other dates etc.

That's why I'm a bit baffled with the spark bit. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have more of a feeling I perhaps came on too strong and she's bottled it. Or it's some sort of test to see if I'm too needy.

Cos like I said I find it hard to believe she wasn't attracted to me. Unless attraction and spark are different things.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn’t stress it too much, OP.

 

For all you know, it could have been an excuse. Maybe an ex came back, maybe someone else she’s been seeing wants to get more serious, maybe she’s been on a break from a relationship and they’ve reconciled, who knows.

 

I wouldn’t over-analyze it.

[Batya33]

Yeah I think that's good advice.

There may be a small chance she does contact me again in a few weeks. Possibly after she's been on other dates etc.

That's why I'm a bit baffled with the spark bit. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have more of a feeling I perhaps came on too strong and she's bottled it. Or it's some sort of test to see if I'm too needy.

Cos like I said I find it hard to believe she wasn't attracted to me. Unless attraction and spark are different things.

 

Here are the two different things:

 

She brought overnight clothes because she intended to have sex with you or at least hook up and chose to get drunk with a near stranger - think about what that says about her standards -she got drunk and went home with a man to his home the first time she met him - and you are lucky because she could have accused you of sexual assault and said she could not consent because she was drunk - she's a stranger for all practical purposes.

 

So sorry -the two different things.

Thing One as Dr. Seuss would say - Thing One is being sexually attracted at the time and feeling a spark that inspires the person to have sexual intercourse with a stranger.

 

Thing Two: Being attracted to the person or seeing the potential for attraction that includes a desire to get to know the person in a dating or potential relationship context. Of course this also can include sexual attraction whether or not acted on. Sexual attraction is enough for some people to be motivated to date the person. Nothing wrong with that. And, romantic attraction -without the desire to have sex with the person (yet, because that can take time to develop for certain people) - can be a motivator to get to know the person in a dating context.

 

Sparks can factor into both but actually you don't need to feel a spark right off the bat to want to date someone. Some people figure the spark might take time to develop and since she or he has a lot in common with the person, finds the person attractive, etc why not explore a potential spark by going out a few times. And a person can have sex without feeling a spark or even strong sexual attraction - maybe the person just feels like having that kind of release and the other person is there and willing.

 

You're conflating lots of different types of interests here. This person you barely know was interested in having sex with you. You jumped to the conclusion that that meant she was interested in going on a first official date after the first meet. I wouldn't make that assumption if I were you or analyze why she didn't want to see you again. Whether or not sex happens many people decide not to go past the first meet for many different reasons often having nothing to do with the person they just met.

[Wiseman2]

It's most likely not related to you or your attraction. Some people are just flaky.

[Batya33]

It's most likely not related to you or your attraction. Some people are just flaky.

 

Some are. People who decide not to go on an official first date after a first meet might be the opposite of flaky- they know their feelings and they don't want to continue and risk leading the person on.

[bluecastle]

I think what you're doing right here, all in all, is overthinking.

 

In your 42 years of life, have you ever met a woman you found attractive but, for reasons you can't quite pinpoint, weren't super into? If the answer is yes, then use that experience for context here. You are that person, to her. A nice, interesting, attractive, sexy dude who, for reasons all her own, she isn't super into seeing again.

 

Is it all a bit "baffling," to use a word you like? Yup, sure is. Then again, it is equally baffling that two complete strangers sometimes match on an app, meet up, each want to see the other again, and go on to end up in a relationship, wearing rings, making babies, and so on.

 

The baffling nature of it all is the sweetest part, if sometimes also sour.

[boltnrun]

She was way too comfortable with doing this for me to believe you are the only one she's had a ONS with. Or had sex on the first date. I can guarantee she's done it before.

 

Look, I have had sex with men I didn't feel a "spark" with. I was physically attracted enough to have sex but their personalities or lifestyles were not compatible with what I was looking for. For whatever reason. So yeah, I can have sex with a man without wanting a relationship with him. Maybe not currently because I'm older now...or maybe yes. I can think of a man I know who I would absolutely love to have sex with but we couldn't be in a relationship because I am way, way older than him. It just wouldn't work. But he is super hot and I bet the sex would be fantastic. If I had the opportunity I probably would (in non-Covid times, that is).

 

I guess I don't understand the level of your upset. It was a few messages and one date with sex. You have zero investment in this woman.

 

Somewhere out there is a woman who is right for you, but you'll never find her if you dwell on this woman.

[DancingFool]

Thanks guys.

 

I'm still a bit confused. So from a woman's point of view spark is not the same as attraction? I would find it pretty hard to imagine a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive at all? We also had lots in common etc, so it wasn't entirely lust.

 

Now if she did find me attractive, which I assume she must have done to go to the lengths and time chatting and came all across town to meet me.....and stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, kept on messaging after our date and like I said we had lots in common beyond that and spoke about what her had in common.

 

Now I don't expect there to be a mad spark and unbelievable attraction on the first date. I don't expect there to be an emotional connection straight away if that's what people mean? Surely that's what you go on a second date for? First date should be fun, can you have fun together? Second date more building an emotional connection?

 

I mean I'm disappointed this girl is gone....but I'm more bothered about where it went wrong so not to repeat mistakes. Am I just misreading something?

 

I'm just going to be blunt and maybe a little crude. Just because I find a guy ....umm...doable to put it politely and just because I use him to scratch an itch, does not mean in any way shape or form that I actually want anything more than a scratching post.

 

So did she find you attractive? Sure, certainly enough to sleep with you. Did she have any intentions of seeing you again? Nope. Going by the overnight bag packed and the fact that she initiated sexy talk....definitely not.

 

To answer your question about mistake - really you are kind of over thinking. There is no mistake and nothing to fix other than maybe don't sleep with someone early on if it will leave you so riled up about it. Pay attention to what's said between the lines - like a woman bringing up the fact that she doesn't do one night stands while flirting like mad with you and joking about staying the night.....I mean that right there is telling you her true intentions - I am going to have a one night stand with you. Nobody brings up those kinds of topics unless that is actually on their mind.

[LaHermes]

What Ms. Canuck said:

 

"For all you know, it could have been an excuse. Maybe an ex came back, maybe someone else she’s been seeing wants to get more serious, maybe she’s been on a break from a relationship and they’ve reconciled, who knows.

 

I wouldn’t over-analyze it."

[Rose Mosse]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I have more of a feeling I perhaps came on too strong and she's bottled it. Or it's some sort of test to see if I'm too needy.

Cos like I said I find it hard to believe she wasn't attracted to me. Unless attraction and spark are different things.

 

I don't think they're different things. This is splitting hairs a bit. Don't go down that rabbit hole!

 

Why do you think you came on too strong? Ie. I'm curious why you think that if you feel you were compatible to start. It's a bit contradictory.

[teach]

This is what I mean.. I thought attraction was spark...you know that feeling of desire or lust. Whereas personality and lifestyle are part of compatibility.

And this is were the terminology has lost me.

She didn't say we weren't compatible. She said there wasn't enough spark.

Like I said, this is one woman...I'll get over this quickly enough.

But interested in general and for future reference.

And also interested in whether spark comes from an emotional connection rather than just a fun one too?

[teach]

🤔 thanks. I think one or two people on here think they are different. Might he were my confusion comes from.

 

Well...perhaps I should have let her think about the date more before jumping back into texting so quickly. No major thing as she was replying pretty much straight away and asking how my date went, joking etc. But could be the reason why she bottled it...thought it was going too quickly, were she needed some time to think, space etc. Possibly, but like people have said, there could be a million and one reasons.

 

But, yeah attitude wise, interest wise and lifestyle wise as far as I could tell and she said it was all very compatible.

[DancingFool]

This is what I mean.. I thought attraction was spark...you know that feeling of desire or lust. Whereas personality and lifestyle are part of compatibility.

And this is were the terminology has lost me.

She didn't say we weren't compatible. She said there wasn't enough spark.

Like I said, this is one woman...I'll get over this quickly enough.

But interested in general and for future reference.

And also interested in whether spark comes from an emotional connection rather than just a fun one too?

 

I think once again you are trying to attach literal meaning, when all she meant is "I have zero intentions to get into a relationship with you, but thanks for the sex." You really need to work on reading the subtext.

[reinventmyself]

This is what I mean.. I thought attraction was spark...you know that feeling of desire or lust. Whereas personality and lifestyle are part of compatibility.

And this is were the terminology has lost me.

She didn't say we weren't compatible. She said there wasn't enough spark.

Like I said, this is one woman...I'll get over this quickly enough.

But interested in general and for future reference.

And also interested in whether spark comes from an emotional connection rather than just a fun one too?

 

I've hard sparks with men. Fun banter, crazy physical chemistry. . enough to want to take it to another level. But there was something about them/us that didn't make them/us relationship material. . for me.

 

I've been on the other side of this scenerio too. I thought we were perfect for each other. Unfortunately they had another definition of what was perfect for them.

 

There isn't one set answer to this. Attraction, sparks, chemistry are very complex and subjective and vary from person to person.

 

In my experience I can have all of the above and still recognize we aren't compatible on more text book level. He can make my knees weak, but we didn't have the same values that were important to me. (and maybe not the next person)

 

and unfortunately she's not here to tell us. . .

 

She also said there wasn't enough of a spark. I can project my own experience here again, but I will tie it to the fantasy of the long intimate chats that didn't match reality. Not a bad thing, mind you. Just a difference. Its also possible she is looking for something unrealistic.

 

When there is an unknown that you'll never get an answer to, then fill in the blank with something that you can live with.

[teach]

No I get that. She couldn't really have been clearer on that one. It's her reasoning that doesn't seem believable to me. Unless, like you say by the term spark that includes that she thinks we weren't compatible personality or lifestyle wise because we must have had attraction. But even then, she hardly knew anything about my personality or lifestyle ..so you might have thought she would have wanted to know more before making that decision after a fun night.

 

In fact I've read back and she actually says she 'hates one night stands'.

Now this might be some reverse psychology....but why would she send me pictures of her kid, tell me what he's doing and send pictures of her friends etc if she was only interested in a one night stand?

 

If she had already made her mind up what she was gonna do pre meet up...why go to all the bother? I didn't ask for photos of her kid or her mates etc.

 

I am over analysing...but it's just interesting to know.. Quite interesting seeing what people think and doing amateur psychoanalysis 😂

[reinventmyself]

No I get that. She couldn't really have been clearer on that one. It's her reasoning that doesn't seem believable to me. Unless, like you say by the term spark that includes that she thinks we weren't compatible personality or lifestyle wise because we must have had attraction. But even then, she hardly knew anything about my personality or lifestyle ..so you might have thought she would have wanted to know more before making that decision after a fun night.

 

In fact I've read back and she actually says she 'hates one night stands'.

Now this might be some reverse psychology....but why would she send me pictures of her kid, tell me what he's doing and send pictures of her friends etc if she was only interested in a one night stand?

 

If she had already made her mind up what she was gonna do pre meet up...why go to all the bother? I didn't ask for photos of her kid or her mates etc.

 

I am over analysing...but it's just interesting to know.. Quite interesting seeing what people think and doing amateur psychoanalysis 😂

well now. . . call us amateurs and you might just lose your audience. We never pretended to be pschoanalysists and pretty much are sharing with you, our experiences. But if it's not wanted, just let us know

[teach]

No I'm calling myself one...as in trying to do/be something I'm not. Trying to figure it out. Not calling anyone else one.

Yeah I did want peoples opinions, thanks

[boltnrun]

We can't possibly know "why". But I'm wondering why you are so laser focused on trying to get "answers". For whatever reason she decided not to continue dating you. I would take her at her word and just accept what she said.

 

Asking "why" over and over doesn't resolve anything.

 

It was one date. One.

 

In all the millions of women in the world there is going to be at least one (probably more) who will feel the same way about you as you will about them. But like I said before, you won't find her if you're choosing to focus on trying to find "answers" when this woman already told you why.

[bluecastle]

Look, you could hire a team of particle physicists, anthropologists, and sex therapists—seasoned pros unlike us amateurs—to get together and write you a dissertation on "sparks." Thing is? That dissertation, even if it was Nobel worthy, would not remove the sting from your ego or the fact that such stings are part and parcel to the experiment of romantic connection.

 

Because is that not the nuts and bolts here? Your ego hurts. It wanted one thing, thought it had that thing, but then someone went and took that thing away before you were ready for it to be taken away. You're hung up on the explanation—the word "spark"—but that's a proxy for the ego pain. You're hung up on yourself, with her acting as a mirror.

 

You have a young child, so you know the strife that can come over a child when, say, he expects that he will get 10 more gummy bears before the day is over but is then told, nope, no more gummy bears. "But why?" he asks, furious at the world for failing to meet his expectations of the world. No explanation is sufficient, not something about cavities, not something about homework, not something about life not always being fair, not something about not being able to afford gummy bears after paying the mortgage. "But why?" he asks again, ego aflame.

 

So, if there is a lesson here? Maybe it's that the more unchecked the ego, the greater the chances for it to be checkmated. Maybe it's that this woman floated into and out of your life in order to get you a little more intimate with your ego, so it's not so hyperactive when it comes to interpersonal intimacy.

[reinventmyself]

Great book I think everyone should read. 'she's just not that into you"

I know. . . way overplayed.

But I read it when it first came out and it kicked my butt. It's an your face, no holds barred, life lessons on dating that you take with you for the rest of your life

No more what if's? It leaves no murkey areas unresolved.

I don't believe there's a person on this planet that cant find a takeaway from having read it.

The biggest message you get from it is - to keep it simple.

Because as we are participating and experiencing is dissecting this is pointless. Keep it simple.

She's not the one. . . Next!