My mom thinks I hate her

[LaHermes]

Yes, there are ways.

 

" I am asking if there are ways in which I can actively repair some things in our relation and make her feel less defensive. Not because I feel responsible of what she feels, but because I think it can be done, and if I want a better relationship with her,"

 

What do YOU think is the best way? Maybe the two of you talk in the presence of an objective third party? Perhaps your mother is psychologically unwell that she says these things.

[itsallgrand]

I'd stop talking myself out of making moving out a reality with urgency. I think you are too comfortable in your parents home. You know you can always be there. Maybe your mom resents living with a grown daughter. Almost no parent will say it, because they love you. But it's not easy for her either.

Once you are out, then you can worry about mom. But your first priority is establishing independence. Not just because of her, for you.

I'm not living in Mexico so I can't speak to the particular difficulties in achieving this. I'm just saying it's important.

[xanzza]

This was not my description of how you are, it's your own.

 

You say that you are argumentative, and then true to form, you go sarcastic and argue against the suggestion that it's within your own power to change your own self-characterization.

 

 

 

Why are those your only two options? Couldn't you become a regular walker around your block for exercise? Choosing times that coincide with Mom's troublemaking can be deliberate.

 

 

 

It's not your job to control what Mom 'thinks.' Behave in ways that teach her that you won't stick around to argue. Whether she 'likes' that or not isn't the point.

 

Your whole basis for this post is to change Mom's perception that you hate her. Yet since your responses to me are hostile, I can see where she picks up hatred in your messaging.

 

I'd quit trying to control Mom's thinking, which causes you nothing but frustration and problems, and instead, I'd start teaching Mom that the way to get my attention is to speak 'with' me and not 'at' me.

 

You get to control how you want to do that. Learning through books and articles from experts who train children is a good place to start. It's psychology basics for dealing with a childish mentality.

 

You can balk at the advice you requested, or you can keep an open mind and try it out--but going hostile won't move you any closer to solving the problem of being perceived as hostile.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm not trying to control my mom's thinking lol but they say that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. All I'm trying but am obviously failing to say is that I've done this many, many, MANY times over the course of many, many, MANY years only to see how it doesn't help at all. Again, I'm more than happy that it has worked for you. But keep in mind that people are different. What works for you might not work for others.

 

Yes, my responses to you are hostile, because you seem to not want to understand that I have tried your advice without result (and because tbh I don't like people I don't know going around telling me to shut my mouth). But if you still think that's the only way to make it work then I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely no way of solving my problem because the only method has been tried and failed.

[xanzza]

I'd stop talking myself out of making moving out a reality with urgency. I think you are too comfortable in your parents home. You know you can always be there. Maybe your mom resents living with a grown daughter. Almost no parent will say it, because they love you. But it's not easy for her either.

Once you are out, then you can worry about mom. But your first priority is establishing independence. Not just because of her, for you.

I'm not living in Mexico so I can't speak to the particular difficulties in achieving this. I'm just saying it's important.

 

No, that's not the case. She resented me for leaving in the first place, and she has the idea that children should not leave the parents' home until they are married.

[xanzza]

Yes, there are ways.

 

" I am asking if there are ways in which I can actively repair some things in our relation and make her feel less defensive. Not because I feel responsible of what she feels, but because I think it can be done, and if I want a better relationship with her,"

 

What do YOU think is the best way? Maybe the two of you talk in the presence of an objective third party? Perhaps your mother is psychologically unwell that she says these things.

 

Actually I've thought that many many times, but the time I dared suggest it she laughed ironically at me lol. So idk if I would be able to make it happen, but it would definitely be the best option, I believe.

 

What do I think is the best way? Try to understand a resentful person's mind so I can convince her that the past is past and that the ideas she formed are not true. I cannot do this with words, but perhaps with deeds, but I don't know how. I've never felt hated in my life lol so I wouldn't know how could someone convince me or show me that they love me instead.

[LaHermes]

Hey, Xan. Being hostile here to people who are only trying to help is not going to get you anywhere. You came here with your concerns and people are doing their best. No one told you to "shut your mouth". So you tried someone's advice and it didn't work. OK.

 

I honestly don't know what "would work for you". Tell us what would work for you, then.

 

I ask again the question :

 

What do YOU think is the best way? Maybe the two of you talk in the presence of an objective third party? Perhaps your mother is psychologically unwell that she says these things.

 

Please, Xan, dial back on the hostility. It isn't attractive.

 

I can understand your domestic situation is tiring and difficult for you.

 

But what Allgrand said is also important. And I know you talked about it being unsafe where you are, but truly, and given that it could be 12 months before you travel, it would be helpful if you could find a place of your own or shared. There are always solutions.

 

So, if your mother won't talk to a third party (I suspected she wouldn't) then perhaps it might be an idea for you to do so and discuss the issue. Someone face to face, rather than us on here.

[xanzza]

Hey, Xan. Being hostile here to people who are only trying to help is not going to get you anywhere. You came here with your concerns and people are doing their best. No one told you to "shut your mouth". So you tried someone's advice and it didn't work. OK.

 

I honestly don't know what "would work for you". Tell us what would work for you, then.

 

I ask again the question :

 

What do YOU think is the best way? Maybe the two of you talk in the presence of an objective third party? Perhaps your mother is psychologically unwell that she says these things.

 

Please, Xan, dial back on the hostility. It isn't attractive.

 

I can understand your domestic situation is tiring and difficult for you.

 

But what Allgrand said is also important. And I know you talked about it being unsafe where you are, but truly, and given that it could be 12 months before you travel, it would be helpful if you could find a place of your own or shared. There are always solutions.

 

I'm not telling YOU told me to shut my mouth, but if you read this person's comment you wil find the exact sentence written. I tried someone's advice, told them it didn't work, then get lectured of how I haven't tried it. This isn't about you, so keep it that way.

 

I'm not even going to answer the "it isn't attractive" bit.

 

I've repeatedly thanked for the advice, but read the messages again. I've been told many times to ignore her, just as perhaps it's been going on with me. I just won't go over the same. You don't wanna understand that ignoring her isn't working, then alright. I'll just read as I keep being told how I haven't tried. You ask again the question, then I'll answer again. If I knew, I wouldn't be here asking the question. I'll make a quick summary so it's easier to understand. 1. NO I don't argue with her. 2. YES I have ignored her baits and walked away for about ten years now. 2.1. NO, it doesn't work.

 

I just can't keep it clearer.

[LaHermes]

You can say anything you like to me, Xan. Gosh, you do fly off the handle right quickly! But I'll put it down to the stress you seem to be under.

 

You started your thread :

 

"Hi! I need some advice because my relationship with my mom just seems impossible."

 

and

 

"If I knew, I wouldn't be here asking the question."

 

And posters did their best to give you their views. Bear in mind that posters are giving of their time, and putting thought into their answers. No one ignored your thread or your first post. Getting mad at us isn't going to help you.

[xanzza]

You can say anything you like to me, Xan. Gosh, you do fly off the handle right quickly! But I'll put it down to the stress you seem to be under.

 

You started your thread :

 

"Hi! I need some advice because my relationship with my mom just seems impossible."

 

and

 

"If I knew, I wouldn't be here asking the question."

 

And posters did their best to give you their views. Bear in mind that posters are giving of their time, and putting thought into their answers. No one ignored your thread or your first post. Getting mad at us isn't going to help you.

 

Why are you saying "at us"? Lmao don't take what's not meant for you. I've thanked all of you, but got hostile at ONE PERSON who was, IMO, being judgamental and wasn't listening to what I was saying. Yet you come up and stand for them? Way to go.

 

I need no lectures, so if you won't add anything you can cut it off. I have thanked people for their advice and I do thank you all for your time, but I won't sit here and say "alright" because again that won't solve my problem. I am giving the information I think is needed, and if they advice me to do something I have done and didn't work, I will say it, because that's what will bring me closer to solving a problem. I do not see the point. Go to the doctor, he tells you "take this pill", you know it didn't work for you in the past yet instead of telling him you say "ok" and go away? Sure. Why not.

 

"If I knew, I wouldn't be here asking the question." Well, yes. You're asking me what I think is best. What's the point on asking a question I know the answer to? Is there something I'm not aware of...? Do you want me to tell you "ok that will work" and just go away because you think that will improve my life? I honestly don't see where you are trying to go.

 

I know it can come off as if I came here to have things my way, and I have said it's not the case. I thank, YET AGAIN, for the advice and the time. But I don't see why I would keep walking a road that I know goes nowhere. I've taken good advice, such as acting and not reacting, and minding which answers can be taken wrong. I'm not sure what you want me to say.

[catfeeder]

I'm not trying to control my mom's thinking lol but they say that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. All I'm trying but am obviously failing to say is that I've done this many, many, MANY times over the course of many, many, MANY years only to see how it doesn't help at all. Again, I'm more than happy that it has worked for you. But keep in mind that people are different. What works for you might not work for others.

 

Yes, my responses to you are hostile, because you seem to not want to understand that I have tried your advice without result (and because tbh I don't like people I don't know going around telling me to shut my mouth). But if you still think that's the only way to make it work then I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely no way of solving my problem because the only method has been tried and failed.

 

Yep, looks like you are right. There's nothing you are willing to consider with an open mind and without hostility. So there you are.

 

Good luck with that.

[xanzza]

Yep, looks like you are right. There's nothing you are willing to consider with an open mind and without hostility. So there you are.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Lol. Alright, thanks.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.