Feeling used and abused

[LaHermes]

OP.

 

Reading your posts I can assure you that this individual would affect anyone (leaving depression out of it altogether). Just reading about her crazy, berserk and manipulative ways is giving me a headache!

 

We all need love and affection. There is nothing special about this individual. Except that she should be committed and placed long-term in the hands of professionals who might be able to assist her.

 

I echo what all the others have said about boundaries. There are well-adjusted people out there, OP, and there is no reason why you cannot meet one. Think of how refreshing it would be to converse with someone sane.

[Jas76]

OP.

 

Reading your posts I can assure you that this individual would affect anyone (leaving depression out of it altogether). Just reading about her crazy, berserk and manipulative ways is giving me a headache!

 

We all need love and affection. There is nothing special about this individual. Except that she should be committed and placed long-term in the hands of professionals who might be able to assist her.

 

I echo what all the others have said about boundaries. There are well-adjusted people out there, OP, and there is no reason why you cannot meet one. Think of how refreshing it would be to converse with someone sane.

 

True that, which is why I suspect she still hasn't found a proper stable relationship, friendly or romantic, and her own mother has turned her back on her. That said, her mother doesn't sound too great a mother to begin with.

 

Sorry about the headache.

 

Sadly, I don't think she will ever get the psychological help she needs, and even if she did, I imagine it will be very hard, if not impossible, for her to change her ways at her age.

 

I'm usually a bit reluctant of engaging in romantic relationships, because it takes a lot of emotional investment, and I'm obviously mindful of getting hurt, as has happened often in the past, but I'm keeping an open mind.

[LaHermes]

Who mentioned romance, OP?! ?

 

How about a well-adjusted friend or two who might engage in sane conversation, for starters? Also, well-adjusted people are not in the habit of hurting others, and it isn't their career mode.

 

You don't have to get madly enmeshed in high-octane stuff. And you sure do not want to be an ambulatory out-patient psychiatric unit. I don't think!

[MissCanuck]

I felt very sorry for her right from the outset - when I expressed reluctance to meet, she called me up crying her eyes out on the phone. I'm a big softy and very sympathetic, so I gave in.

 

Eh, I would wager that this more about your own poor sense of self-worth and a lack of boundaries than it is about being a "softy." You have permitted this woman to wipe her feet on you and treat you like crap; but you are gaining something from this too, in the sense that you feel better about yourself when you think you can provide her the attention she apparently wants.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Keep it that way. It gives you time to wind down from the whole mess and focus on improving your own happiness and well being.

 

Have you found a doctor/therapist who resonates with you better? You claim you sued the last one and got financial compensation for incompetence.

Last saw her in person around 3 months ago.

[SherrySher]

The majority of us have had very hard times and not so happy childhoods. Everyone has a sad story to share. There's even some who deal with mental illness or disorders.

But a typical person doesn't go around attacking and abusing people, just because they think they can.

 

There is a certain responsibility that goes along with any health issue and getting the help you need as a grown adult. At this point, you're just making poor excuses for this woman.

 

What you need to do is stop excusing bs, and to start holding her accountable. She is a toxic jerk who has zero remorse. Don't tell me she's had it hard and only wanted love and so on, in order to excuse her awful behavior. Everyone wants love, but the majority of people don't use force, manipulation, etc in order to get that.

 

Jas, you really need to start holding people accountable, otherwise you're going to allow the worst kind of people into your life. You're a grown man, you should know what a good person is and isn't. This woman, is not a good person.

 

You need to get yourself a proper friend who is actually a good person and is in a good place, mentally. And it's definitely NOT this woman.

[Jas76]

Who mentioned romance, OP?! ?

 

How about a well-adjusted friend or two who might engage in sane conversation, for starters? Also, well-adjusted people are not in the habit of hurting others, and it isn't their career mode.

 

You don't have to get madly enmeshed in high-octane stuff. And you sure do not want to be an ambulatory out-patient psychiatric unit. I don't think!

 

I have a good friend or two, so no worries there.

 

Yes, definitively no more high-octane stuff otherwise I may be heading for that psychiatric unit.

[Jas76]

Eh, I would wager that this more about your own poor sense of self-worth and a lack of boundaries than it is about being a "softy." You have permitted this woman to wipe her feet on you and treat you like crap; but you are gaining something from this too, in the sense that you feel better about yourself when you think you can provide her the attention she apparently wants.

 

Don't really think so. I've put a foot down on many occasions, so much so that is seems to have torn the relationship apart.

 

I'm not in the habit of caring or engaging with people because I have an agenda, which happens to often these days, but because I really feel that there is some kind of connection I want to explore. The lady in question showed me copious amount of love and caring at first, before she blew her lid then failed to show any remorse.

 

I'm not infallible, though, and make the wrong choices sometimes.

[Jas76]

Excellent. Keep it that way. It gives you time to wind down from the whole mess and focus on improving your own happiness and well being.

 

Have you found a doctor/therapist who resonates with you better? You claim you sued the last one and got financial compensation for incompetence.

 

True I suppose. I did enjoy her company and conversation when she wasn't manic.

 

Seeing one of the best therapist in the country, and we have a really good report. Sadly there have been some problems paying his invoices due to COVID-19, so things are paused.

[Jas76]

The majority of us have had very hard times and not so happy childhoods. Everyone has a sad story to share. There's even some who deal with mental illness or disorders.

But a typical person doesn't go around attacking and abusing people, just because they think they can.

 

There is a certain responsibility that goes along with any health issue and getting the help you need as a grown adult. At this point, you're just making poor excuses for this woman.

 

What you need to do is stop excusing bs, and to start holding her accountable. She is a toxic jerk who has zero remorse. Don't tell me she's had it hard and only wanted love and so on, in order to excuse her awful behavior. Everyone wants love, but the majority of people don't use force, manipulation, etc in order to get that.

 

Jas, you really need to start holding people accountable, otherwise you're going to allow the worst kind of people into your life. You're a grown man, you should know what a good person is and isn't. This woman, is not a good person.

 

You need to get yourself a proper friend who is actually a good person and is in a good place, mentally. And it's definitely NOT this woman.

 

Yes, some valid words of wisdom there.

 

I have had a very tough childhood myself, hence one of the reasons I suffer from depression. I swallow my pride and deal with it the best I can. I certainly don't turn to abusing others, even when they send me the most horrific abuse via text message.

 

This, however, is not an excuse, but we are all individual and have our own fingerprint as my therapist says. An unfortunate life, particularly at a young age, can really mess with our heads.

 

We also all get a little overemotional at times, and say or do things we later reflect on and regret. We also can't go through life without making mistakes. This woman, however, clearly intended to inflict the most emotional pain she could that dreadful night, towards a person who suffers from depression, who was very apologetic throughout and didn't retaliate, and then abjectly failed to reflect or show any remorse after around 3 months, even when prompted time and time again (she claims I threw the first stone, so she just threw one back, which is major rationalisation in my humble opinion). Indeed, there were little hints of further abuse here and there even after that. I'm not sure this kind of thing can all be excused by being sympathetic to her psychiatric disorder(s) (I'm not qualified to say obviously, and suspect even a seasoned psychologist or psychiatrist would probably have a hard time working her out), but seems like a major red flag.

[Jas76]

She also wanted a face-to-face discussion to address the issues, but I do think it would have been more appropriate for her to have expressed remorse, and admitted her behaviour was a bit much, well before I invited her into my home again. No so? Indeed, her getting very emotional when approaching the subject, going on the attack and putting the phone down pretty much proves the point that trying to engage in reasonable discussion was futile., though she claims that she has difficulty talking on the phone due to her mental health problems.

[SherrySher]

The bottom line is, you're a good hearted man. You tried with her. She treated you like dirt. She doesn't deserve your friendship.

[Jas76]

The bottom line is, you're a good hearted man. You tried with her. She treated you like dirt. She doesn't deserve your friendship.

 

That pretty much sums it up, but the whole thing is still seriously torturing me inside.

[Capricorn3]

You haven't seen this woman for three months. What makes you hang on to something so bad when it's clearly not working? What does your therapist advise you to do?

[Jas76]

You haven't seen this woman for three months. What makes you hang on to something so bad when it's clearly not working? What does your therapist advise you to do?

 

I suppose her regular acts of goodwill and kindness really touched me - she would constantly show a real interest in my wellbeing (when she wasn't manic of course), and carry out acts of kindness that not many people have done in my life. This may be the other extreme of her BPD, or it may be that she was just genuinely very caring (again, when she wasn't manic). For example, before she first met me in person, she bought two plants for me, regardless of the fact that she had very little income, to help clean the air in my apartment, and hopefully help with my asthma etc. She spent hours labouring away at making plant holders, presumably because she couldn't afford ceramic ones. Another example is that when COVID-19 was really bad, she worried about me and bought a lot of food and supplies for me and tried to travel for over an hour on public transport with a view to delivering the food and supplies (again, on a very low income), whist putting herself at risk. She couldn't travel all the way because the trains were cancelled, but I think this was an act of selfless kindness. It is things like that that have really moved me.

 

I also empathise with the fact that she has experienced many of the difficulties I have had growing up - we both lived in destitution at times.

 

She also didn't show a judgemental attitude towards the fact that I can't currently work due to ill health, and was very caring in this respect (again, when she wasn't manic), where in a past relationship a certain person has lacked a lot of compassion and understanding.

 

So, if she had no good points, I wouldn't be battling with my conscience etc., and I certainly wouldn't be missing her.

 

I've spoken to my therapist about her after her night of obnoxious and abusive behaviour. He said that it sounds like she was very hurt and was being vindictive. He said I should 'strike while the iron is cold', and mention that her behaviour really hurt and was unacceptable, but also mention the things I like about her and her good points. He said all this risks yet another argument, which I think is a very real concern in this case. I have only acted on his advice in a casual sense.

 

He also asked me what I wanted to do in terms of carrying on with the relationship etc., and I said I think I will keep a safe distance. He said he will support me with whatever decision I make.

[Wiseman2]

Have you heard from her? Was she homeless?

[Jas76]

Have you heard from her? Was she homeless?

 

Strangely enough I got a message from her today, essentially saying she hopes I'm okay. Not sure if this is because she has settled down after a period of mania and/or she is starting to feel remorse.

 

No, I don't think she has ever been homeless, but she has struggled a lot with basic needs.

[Billie28]

I think you need to stop googling what’s wrong with her mentally and start focusing on yourself.

 

She needs to be with someone who can handle her and clearly you are not that person.

You would be doing wrong by her by staying in touch. So if you have any empathy at all for her , you would delete and block her. That is what SHE needs from you at this point. And it’s also what you need because you are spending an insane amount of time researching what’s wrong with her when essentially it’s none of your business and you will never actually come to the right conclusion or validation of your conclusions which really are just assumptions.

 

I suggest you research a new hobby. ?

 

If your therapist said he/she would “support” you whatever you do in regards to her , then clearly you need to fire your therapist and get a second opinion.

[Jas76]

I think you need to stop googling what’s wrong with her mentally and start focusing on yourself.

 

She needs to be with someone who can handle her and clearly you are not that person.

You would be doing wrong by her by staying in touch. So if you have any empathy at all for her , you would delete and block her. That is what SHE needs from you at this point. And it’s also what you need because you are spending an insane amount of time researching what’s wrong with her when essentially it’s none of your business and you will never actually come to the right conclusion or validation of your conclusions which really are just assumptions.

 

I suggest you research a new hobby. ?

 

If your therapist said he/she would “support” you whatever you do in regards to her , then clearly you need to fire your therapist and get a second opinion.

 

Thanks for the input.

 

I don't think anyone can properly handle her, as someone rightly alluded to earlier on in this thread.

 

I don't think turning my back and blocking someone is always the way forward. It may be the way forward, but I'm still giving that some serious thought.

 

You may also want to consider if you have made an ad hominem attack there, and whether too your conclusions are assumptions.

 

You also make it sound like caring about someone in this context is deeply wrong. I'm afraid I struggle to accept that.

 

The promotion of client autonomy is widely accepted in psychotherapy, at least here in the UK.

[Billie28]

 

I don't think anyone can properly handle her, as someone rightly alluded to earlier on in this thread.

 

You may also want to consider if you have made an ad hominem attack there, and whether too your conclusions are assumptions.

 

You also make it sound like caring about someone in this context is deeply wrong. I'm afraid I struggle to accept that.

 

 

You have accepted that no one can handle her . That’s good you have acknowledged that.

 

Therefore the only way forward is to not attempt to. Right? And the only way to do that is to put her on ignore , otherwise by responding to her is some attempt to handle her. And thereby enabling her behaviour to a certain degree.

 

Are my conclusions assumptions? Yes if you like. But are they emotionally driven? No.

 

That’s the difference between your assumptions and mine or any other responder.

 

Is it wrong for you to care? No.

 

You can still care about someone you have blocked.

 

People care about family members they have had to cut out of their life.

And this is someone you barely know.

 

So why are you struggling with it?

[Wiseman2]

Can you reach out to your community services, friends, family, neighbors and social services for more support?

 

If you are homebound or disabled you may get more consistent support than hoping for random strangers to pop in and out of your life.

she has struggled a lot with basic needs.

[Jas76]

Can you reach out to your community services, friends, family, neighbors and social services for more support?

 

If you are homebound or disabled you may get more consistent support than hoping for random strangers to pop in and out of your life.

 

Not totally housebound etc.

 

I have friends and family I talk to. I'm not that desperate for company or support.

 

All people we meet start off as strangers.

 

She didn't act in an odd or abusive way when she was in my home. It's does seem that any hint of rejection or criticism really triggers a seriously strong and disproportionate emotional reaction. To make matters worse, she seems completely oblivious to her shortcomings in this respect, which means the pattern is likely to continue, which makes me very nervous and reluctant to engage with her in any meaningful way. She could go completely berserk at any moment.

 

Her manipulative ways also really concerns me, and it seems she has absolutely no shame here too.

 

As someone rightly said earlier on, an abusive and manipulative person is arguably one of the worst kinds, particularly a shameless one. On the other side of the extreme she has this very positive side, which is causing me to have a bit of a conundrum.

[SherrySher]

she has settled down after a period of mania and/or she is starting to feel remorse.

 

No, I would say it has more to do with not having and audience and being bored. This woman enjoys drama and creates it. She's probably sitting at home twiddling her thumbs so wants to stir the pot. She feels no remorse. She just knows that you'll roll over.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, then all you have to do is stop hyper-focusing on her and her theoretical diagnoses. Try to go back to your life before it was interrupted by this tryst.

 

How was your life before her? Were you happy? Dating? Working? Socializing? Try to do a system restore with your spinning mind, back to the time when things were functioning better.

Not totally housebound etc. I have friends and family I talk to. I'm not that desperate for company or support.

[Jas76]

No, I would say it has more to do with not having and audience and being bored. This woman enjoys drama and creates it. She's probably sitting at home twiddling her thumbs so wants to stir the pot. She feels no remorse. She just knows that you'll roll over.

 

Probably right, except I told her there would be no intimacy after her outburst, which didn't go down well as you can imagine. She still showed no remorse, so I told her I'm not inviting her over, which also didn't go down well as I've alluded to previously.

 

I really think a reasonable and respectful person would not have behaved the way she did, and assuming they had some kind of mental breakdown and lost the plot, would have realised they did something seriously wrong by now. Not so?