Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 You invited her to stay with you for your own reasons. One is to continue your narrative of your victimhood. You drove this. You continued this . You tried to fix and change her. You took advantage of a clearly disheveled and confused person. There is a steely coldness and detached attitude in all these links to hypothesized mental illness diagnoses. Harsh and unfair again. I invited her over because I was worried about her wellbieng, as alluded to in an earlier post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 You should not be allowing a stranger to stay in you home in this manner, and certainly not during a pandemic. You sound like a nice guy, but you should not be thinking it is your duty to fix and care for people in this capacity, as you are not qualified and it is not safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Wisemans not wrong. You do keep going back to a broken person for some reason. You need to ask yourself why. Feeling sorry for her is more of an excuse. No one keeps returning to a fire without knowing at some point they will get burnt again. Yes, that's mostly how I felt. I also liked and valued my conversations with her, and apart from all her unacceptable behaviour of course. I thought to myself that no person is infallible, but later realised that she is quite a damaged and remorseless person sadly, and the penny started to drop I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 And that is really what this is about, no? Are you suggesting my intentions were sinister? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Look up co dependence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Because IT IS fine. She likes what she does. Enjoys it. She will never run out of those who want to "fix" her up while she takes advantage of them instead. Thinking that you are her savior, her only friend, that she needs you, etc, etc, etc is very very arrogant thinking on your part. Feeling sorry or pity for someone isn't nice, it's insulting and patronizing behavior. Completely unhealthy and something you need to address within yourself. If you have this urge to help others, then do something constructive - volunteer at a soup kitchen or habitat for humanity or any number of other charities out there. Go read stories to children in the cancer ward. Do something that actually matters and will make a difference to someone for real. Trying to save a psychopath from themselves is not it. They don't need you or any kind of saving. It's you who will need to be saved from them eventually as they proceed to destroy you. There are so many good things you could be doing, real and constructive, instead you are fixating on a lunatic. You are intelligent, so get a grip on yourself and get your own head screwed on straight and start making better decisions. You are perfectly capable of that. Yes, I'm not sure what drives her, but I seriously doubt she even admits to herself that her abusive and manipulative behaviour is an issue. I didn't/don't think of myself as being her saviour, but as someone who cared. If we all didn't give a damn about each other, this world would be a lot darker than it already is. I extended the hand of friendship etc., and I think she bit it and let her ego get in the way. I agree that I was taking a serious mental hit. I started to feel deeply uncomfortable about the whole thing at times, so much so that I lay awake at night. It has been very draining and bruising in regards to my mental health. I think all relationships require work, but she required more help than I could give her, and I couldn't sacrifice my own mental health in the process sadly. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I'm definitely spending my time wisely, and will be more vigilant in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 And that is really what this is about, no? I think it's better to try resolve things rather than just keep quiet about something that bugs you. I had her best interests in mind, together with the interests of the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Yes, I'm not sure what drives her, but I seriously doubt she even admits to herself that her abusive and manipulative behaviour is an issue. I didn't/don't think of myself as being her saviour, but as someone who cared. If we all didn't give a damn about each other, this world would be a lot darker than it already is. I extended the hand of friendship etc., and I think she bit it and let her ego get in the way. I agree that I was taking a serious mental hit. I started to feel deeply uncomfortable about the whole thing at times, so much so that I lay awake at night. It has been very draining and bruising in regards to my mental health. I think all relationships require work, but she required more help than I could give her, and I couldn't sacrifice my own mental health in the process sadly. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I'm definitely spending my time wisely, and will be more vigilant in the future. Her manipulative and abusive behavior is an issue for you and only you, it is not an issue for her at all. It WORKS for her. Please wrap your mind around that. People who abuse are doing it intentionally because it works for them and they like what they do. So asking them to stop, change, be nice, feel bad, apologize, see it as an issue that you see is quite frankly absurd and a complete act of futility. It is only an issue for you because you are being abused and your solution is block, delete, and otherwise immediately kick that person out of your life with extreme prejudice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 You should not be allowing a stranger to stay in you home in this manner, and certainly not during a pandemic. You sound like a nice guy, but you should not be thinking it is your duty to fix and care for people in this capacity, as you are not qualified and it is not safe. True. I'm not sure she was a total stranger to me, as I read her book, spoke to her a lot on the phone and via WhatsApp etc. I met her in person before I invited her to stay, albeit once. I agree, though, that I should have been a little more careful. I've definitely given up trying to fix her. I also don't think she will ever seek any further psychological interventions sadly, so I suspect she will never change her ways. It makes me really sad, but what can one do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Look up co dependence. Interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Her manipulative and abusive behavior is an issue for you and only you, it is not an issue for her at all. It WORKS for her. Please wrap your mind around that. People who abuse are doing it intentionally because it works for them and they like what they do. So asking them to stop, change, be nice, feel bad, apologize, see it as an issue that you see is quite frankly absurd and a complete act of futility. It is only an issue for you because you are being abused and your solution is block, delete, and otherwise immediately kick that person out of your life with extreme prejudice. That's very true indeed. I've fast come to the realisation that she has absolutely no issue with her behaviour. I also think the more the relationship developed, the more she would capitalise on, exploit and manipulate my feelings. With that in mind, I suppose it is definitely better to get out early, but it's still extremely tough when you have feelings for someone, and genuinely care about them. I think if she really cared about me, she wouldn't have behaved the way she did (I think someone mentioned this early on in this thread), and would show some remorse in regards to her abuse, particularly when I keep bringing it up as an issue months after the event. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 That's very true indeed. I've fast come to the realisation that she has absolutely no issue with her behaviour. I also think the more the relationship developed, the more she would capitalise on, exploit and manipulate my feelings. With that in mind, I suppose it is definitely better to get out early, but it's still extremely tough when you have feelings for someone, and genuinely care about them. I think if she really cared about me, she wouldn't have behaved the way she did (I think someone mentioned this early on in this thread), and would show some remorse in regards to her abuse, particularly when I keep bringing it up as an issue months after the event. That’s the thing people who abuse other people are not sorry and they don’t care they think they do. She obviously wanted to get into your house for some reason that would benefit her. Please avoid people that steamroller over you. If they start steamrollering the minute they meet you do you know there’s something wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 You keep claiming feelings.....but can you dismantle that a bit for yourself? You don't like her, she is abusive to you, you don't find her physically appealing, you don't have any sexual attraction to her......sooo.......the only feeling you've really described is that you feel sorry for her, but that's not a basis for anything. Feelings is a conveniently vague term that allows people to avoid looking more honestly at their own behavior, attachment, etc. Some posters already called you out on white knight syndrome and codependence. You might want to give yourself and these issues some deeper research and thought instead of fixating on her issues. At least when you deal with yourself, you'll benefit and become stronger. Fixating on her issues is you avoiding dealing with yourself. Don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Your intentions were to fix and change her. Whatever your motives were for you to engage in this risky situation is for you to reflect on.Are you suggesting my intentions were sinister? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 That’s the thing people who abuse other people are not sorry and they don’t care they think they do. She obviously wanted to get into your house for some reason that would benefit her. Please avoid people that steamroller over you. If they start steamrollering the minute they meet you do you know there’s something wrong. Yes, it certainly seems so regarding abusers. It's not far from psychopathic/sociopathic behaviour in this case. For me, the emotional blackmail (the ultimatum she gave me), shameless contempt and lack of remorse was the final straw. Some argue that treating your partner with contempt is the worst thing you can do in a relationship: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ I would like to think she wanted to come over as she enjoyed my company, but I suspect the main reason was sexual impulses, but I may be wrong. The reason I say this is because I very much doubt she will find another man 20 years younger than her to show in any interest in her sexually, particularly as she doesn't really take too much pride in her appearance etc. Perhaps she thought she will never get the opportunity again at her age. I really can't help feel genuinely sorry for her, and I do/did really care about her, but I do think she's her own worst enemy so to speak. I think I put up with her unreasonable behaviour far more than anyone else would have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 How long did you know her in total and when did you last speak with her? Are you still blocked? I met a lady a few months ago through a book that she authored. It appears she has now blocked me, or is stonewalling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 You keep claiming feelings.....but can you dismantle that a bit for yourself? You don't like her, she is abusive to you, you don't find her physically appealing, you don't have any sexual attraction to her......sooo.......the only feeling you've really described is that you feel sorry for her, but that's not a basis for anything. Feelings is a conveniently vague term that allows people to avoid looking more honestly at their own behavior, attachment, etc. Some posters already called you out on white knight syndrome and codependence. You might want to give yourself and these issues some deeper research and thought instead of fixating on her issues. At least when you deal with yourself, you'll benefit and become stronger. Fixating on her issues is you avoiding dealing with yourself. Don't. There is a lot of truth in that, though I would add that I valued our conversations and our exchanges. I know I have painted a very grim picture, but she did have some good qualities. It is quite tough to truly understand the way we feel about out people, because I suspect a lot of that is driven by subconscious mental processes. It's very important that we are mindful of them though, as you suggest. Yes, I am definitely focused on sorting myself out, and will happily admit I'm not infallible, as no one is. The problem is I'm a big softy, and become very fond of people, and try to overlook people's imperfections for the most part. The lady in question made it too difficult for me though sadly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Your intentions were to fix and change her. Whatever your motives were for you to engage in this risky situation is for you to reflect on. There is also some truth in that I suppose. I suppose the phrase “a leopard never changes its spots” is also quite pertinent is regards to this lady's behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 How long did you know her in total and when did you last speak with her? Are you still blocked? I've known her for around 6 months I think. We've spoken a lot during that time. Not sure if I'm still blocked, but not heard from her today. There have been times where she stonewalled for days, then slowly started to engage again. Do you think there may be some hope here in terms of friendship or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 I found this video to be very interesting and pertinent, so thought I would share it: Think the principles there apply in all kinds of personal interactions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 After 69 posts about how abusive, manipulative and crazy she is? It's up to you, she seems to be a psychiatry hobby of yours. Honestly? A companion pet would be a better and more supportive form of company. No acne, no drunken phone calls, etc. Do you think there may be some hope here in terms of friendship or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Why do you want to be "friends" with someone who as awful as you describe? What are you getting from her mistreatment that you want it to continue? What do you enjoy about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 Why do you want to be "friends" with someone who as awful as you describe? What are you getting from her mistreatment that you want it to continue? What do you enjoy about it? I suppose I find it hard to cut all ties with someone I care about, and someone I enjoyed having a conversation with, but that's the soft side of me speaking. I realise though, that this side of my personality is subject to manipulation and abuse, as people have rightly alluded to in this thread. I think it is very unlikely I will have any meaningful contact with her again, but the ending of relationships is always pretty tough for me. I'm only human I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 I wouldn’t even have non meaningful interaction. Just be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jas76 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 I wouldn’t even have non meaningful interaction. Just be done. Think you are probably right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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