Struggling to move on

[LSL]

Who cares if he "moves on" before you do?

 

That is not your concern. Please do not indulge in that kind of thinking. It isn't some kind of competition.

 

You do not need to know, or care, what he does.

 

The only person on whom you must concentrate, HARD, is yourself.

 

Yeah your right I know I have a good support system around me and my friends etc have been there alot for me. I think my main priority is just focusing aswell on getting my own place

[bluecastle]

I’d really try not to define “moving on” as “getting involved with someone else,” be it his life or yours. Live your life as you want, as you see fit—that’s moving forward, which eventually morphs to moved on.

 

Life is not a competition, just to echo the above, and neither are breakups. People do why they do. What matters is what you do, for you, and finding identity and value there, not through comparison testing.

[LSL]

I’d really try not to define “moving on” as “getting involved with someone else,” be it his life or yours. Live your life as you want, as you see fit—that’s moving forward, which eventually morphs to moved on.

 

Life is not a competition, just to echo the above, and neither are breakups. People do why they do. What matters is what you do, for you, and finding identity and value there, not through comparison testing.

 

Yeah I just dont know why I had a wee mini breakdown the past few days when I have been doing so well

[Rose Mosse]

Yeah I just dont know why I had a wee mini breakdown the past few days when I have been doing so well

 

But the question perhaps should be: why not?

 

Turn it around and ask yourself if it's logical or reasonable at all for you not to think of someone who used to mean so much to you.

 

These things come in waves as you already know... be patient and reasonable with yourself. It's all part and parcel of letting go. The important part is that you keep striving for more and growing the way you want to grow.

[LSL]

But the question perhaps should be: why not?

 

Turn it around and ask yourself if it's logical or reasonable at all for you not to think of someone who used to mean so much to you.

 

These things come in waves as you already know... be patient and reasonable with yourself. It's all part and parcel of letting go. The important part is that you keep striving for more and growing the way you want to grow.

 

Yeah I think just because some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right

 

Yeah I'm focusing on buying my own place I've worked alot to try save the deposit and I've lost over 2 stone in weight and just trying to keep busy

[LaHermes]

LSL. These are not in the category of "supportive friends".

 

"...some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right"

 

Do not listen to people who can only utter soundbites!

[LSL]

LSL. These are not in the category of "supportive friends".

 

"...some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right"

 

Do not listen to people who can only utter soundbites!

 

Just the shock of how it ended I think is making it harder for me

[LaHermes]

LSL.

 

It will take a while. Try to connect only with positive people, not those who utter platitudes as in "you should be over it by now". That is a form of blaming.

 

I just wanted to echo something a poster remarked in one of your threads:

 

"...your giving personality and tendency to self blame is dangerous for you. It attracts users and predators".

 

And... don't always be there for others. Be always there for yourself. You are the main priority.

[bluecastle]

Yeah I think just because some people have said to me you should be over it by now and then that panics me that they might be right

 

Along with LaHermes, I say this is a wonderful time in life to learn to shrug off "shoulds" by others. Absorb what works, for you, and let go of what doesn't, including inside your support network. I'm sure the intentions there aren't malicious, but when people offer you prescriptions like that—you should be over it by now, you should have a kid by now, you should have this much money in retirement by now—they're often just showcasing their own limitations and insecurities.

 

Rose's post really resonated with me, in that I like to flip that script on myself whenever I'm feeling edgy: challenging myself to consider that this is exactly how I should be feeling, rather than some problem that needs to be solved, pronto. When you can find confidence on that path, in just expands to others.

[LSL]

Along with LaHermes, I say this is a wonderful time in life to learn to shrug off "shoulds" by others. Absorb what works, for you, and let go of what doesn't, including inside your support network. I'm sure the intentions there aren't malicious, but when people offer you prescriptions like that—you should be over it by now, you should have a kid by now, you should have this much money in retirement by now—they're often just showcasing their own limitations and insecurities.

 

Rose's post really resonated with me, in that I like to flip that script on myself whenever I'm feeling edgy: challenging myself to consider that this is exactly how I should be feeling, rather than some problem that needs to be solved, pronto. When you can find confidence on that path, in just expands to others.

 

Yeah I do still love him and I wish I could just click my fingers and not feel like that anymore but it is so hard and I just hope I dont feel like this forever

[LaHermes]

Come now, LSL. This won't do at all! L.

 

"I just hope I dont feel like this forever"

 

Forever is a very long time. And remember: "If it hurts it isn't love".

[LSL]

Come now, LSL. This won't do at all! L.

 

"I just hope I dont feel like this forever"

 

Forever is a very long time. And remember: "If it hurts it isn't love".

 

I have never thought about it that way that's a good saying, maybe in a years time I will look back and laugh at how silly I was being.

 

In a years time I may be back on the forum saying I have found a new man haha

[LaHermes]

LSL.

 

Keep the focus off a "new" man or any man for the time being.

 

Right now the focus needs to be on becoming "your own woman". It isn't at all silly to feel shaken by the type of experience you described.

 

You have much to do and work on LSL.

 

As I said earlier: "Don't always be there for others". And never ever again take on the role of doing everything in a relationship. Look up "What does a Healthy Relationship Look Like".

 

As Nº 1 remarked in another post, you may be mourning the loss of the idea (of a relationship) rather than the person.

 

And quoting Wiseman from a month or so ago:

 

"Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long."

 

So much to look at and work out LSL.

[boltnrun]

Don't subscribe to the belief that only a "new man" will make you feel better. Because if that "new man" doesn't work out, then what?

 

You are not nothing without a man. You are you, with or without a romantic partner.

[LSL]

LSL.

 

Keep the focus off a "new" man or any man for the time being.

 

Right now the focus needs to be on becoming "your own woman". It isn't at all silly to feel shaken by the type of experience you described.

 

You have much to do and work on LSL.

 

As I said earlier: "Don't always be there for others". And never ever again take on the role of doing everything in a relationship. Look up "What does a Healthy Relationship Look Like".

 

As Nº 1 remarked in another post, you may be mourning the loss of the idea (of a relationship) rather than the person.

 

And quoting Wiseman from a month or so ago:

 

"Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long."

 

So much to look at and work out LSL.

 

Yeah I know deep down he wasnt the right person for me. At the time I did and then when I look back at it now I can see he wasnt

[LSL]

Hope everyone is well I havent posted for some time in here but is it normal after nearly a year of being split up after a 6 year relationship to still have some down days? I am so much better since Iast posted on here, still doing my fitness and now started driving lessons but the past couple of days I have been feeling down about the break up, it is my ex birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure why I am feeling sad.

We haven't spoken since March before lockdown so I defo wouldnt text him happy birthday as the guy broke my heart but Have any of use had this feeling before?

[catfeeder]

I think I keep worrying about what if he moves on before I do and then I think what does this person have that I dont

 

Answer: a guy who wasn't good enough for you.

[Lambert]

Hope everyone is well I havent posted for some time in here but is it normal after nearly a year of being split up after a 6 year relationship to still have some down days? I am so much better since Iast posted on here, still doing my fitness and now started driving lessons but the past couple of days I have been feeling down about the break up, it is my ex birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure why I am feeling sad.

We haven't spoken since March before lockdown so I defo wouldnt text him happy birthday as the guy broke my heart but Have any of use had this feeling before?

I have... its hard breaking up and down days are normal. I tend to think you may be down for a lot of reasons... Mainly its a pandemic and that brings on a lot of feelings and emotions.

 

If it weren't a pandemic, it would still be normal to think of exes or feel down. I think of exes I haven't talked to in decades! lol

 

The other thing I'll add is if you haven't met anyone else yet, it might not even be about any particular ex or even this most recent ex. It could be you want to have someone and you don't right now. I've felt that way.

 

The pandemic didn't help. Dating around and going places to meet people is really hard right now.

 

This is depressing but! The truth is I'm single for the foreseeable future. So here's the choice 1. enjoy it and use the time for your benefit. or 2. kick, scream, cry... either way it is not changing anything. So choose wisely.

 

Of course, I don't mean you can't feel how you feel. Feel it. Have a little cry. Talk to a friend. Eat a cupcake. Talk a walk. Then keep going!

 

This too shall pass.

[Jibralta]

Hope everyone is well I havent posted for some time in here but is it normal after nearly a year of being split up after a 6 year relationship to still have some down days?

 

Definitely. Six years is a long time.

 

It sounds like you are making forward progress with your fitness and the driving lessons. You say yourself that you are feeling much better now than when you last posted. What I think is that your ex's upcoming birthday has triggered this 'down day.' That's totally normal and you will feel better soon. Before you know it, these significant dates will pass you by without a second thought. It just takes time.