Working through a breakup

[AceAlice]

Day 22

 

Today was pretty run of the mill. Poo morning, better day, average night. I feel a bad day coming, but I'm just gonna take each hour as it comes and let myself feel it.

 

Still hurts a lot, still think about her a lot, still painful as hell. All to be expected, and all okay. It's been well over a month now, and I can see glimmers of light breaking through the darkness. I know that bad days will come with the good days, I know I'll be in pain sometimes more than other times. The more the waves hit, the more used to them I become.

 

One day I'll be okay again.

[AceAlice]

Day 23

 

I think this journal is probably going to start heading more towards a self progression journal than be based solely on the break up. A lot of issues have raised their ugly head in the last few week's, and working through them is a major priority right now.

 

I've uncovered a lot about myself that I didn't realise. I'll try to jot them down in a way that i can later reflect on. Firstly though, I've gotta go through my negatives and then positives so far. I think I'll try to write about one negative thing and one positive thing a day in my journal.

 

N1. Unhealthy attachment issues.

It's okay to give a significant other a big portion of your love and time. What isn't okay is revolving your world around them and giving up parts of yourself for them. I do this a lot in relationships, whether it's friendships or romantic relationships. I become so focused on making them happy that I give up parts of myself for them, whether they ask me to or not.

 

P1. To avoid this in the future I am proactively learning to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that benefits me and my mental health. It's not easy, but creating boundaries and standing up for my morals, what I want from certain people allows me to distinguish suitable people for my life. Its kinda like weeding out the bad from the good, but no one is essentially bad, just not suitable for me.

 

This thought process in itself is a new thing. I have tried to removed myself from people and situations that are unhealthy, but often the removal is forced or painful. I let something linger for too long, and either try to ignore it, try to fix it, or it comes back and bites me in the arse. Instead of holding out, when I first meet new people I make sure we are on the same page, the same wave length. Of course, not everyone wants what I want, or has the qualities I look for in potential friends, but being open and observant has allowed me to recognise certain red flags and doing so earlier on in a friendship makes it easier to end the progression without the pain and after effects.

 

Looking at relationships through a different lens, helps to understand them. You can never know the intent of someone else. We are individual and different. We think different thoughts, have different coping strategies, experience different things. Coming to terms with the fact that its impossible to completely know some one is both eye opening and scary.

All that we have to know about a person comes from trusting their words, mannerisms and morals.

 

Example: A friend was flirting with me. I didn't know how to react at the time so I decided to give myself time from the situation and came back to it a day later. Apologised for not replying and explained that I would like to get to know them as a friend more before any flirtatious talk as im not in a place for that right now.

Ive never really put a boundary in place before, and was concerned that it would ruin our chances as friends, but logically if they cannot respect this boundary then they arent the type of person I want in my life.

 

They apologised for making me feel uncomfortable, said it was not their intention to do so, and we have continued communicating. This is a value I appreciate in people. Not apologising, but realising an error, and correcting it. Many people i have encountered take offence to such things and try to push the blame onto others.

 

Anyway, long post so I'll stop for today.

 

PS. I hate blame. Its a stupid thing.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like you're doing well, Alice. Lots of Big Thoughts spinning around, I know, but seems they're sharpening the compass, opening the aperture.

 

A question I think about from time to time is: How well do I know myself? Like, if conceptually there is a thing that is 100 percent me, what percentage of that thing do I actually know and understand? Ten percent, or ninety? It's kind of a coin toss, depending on the hour or year, but I think the beauty is in accepting that it's never 100 percent, that maybe there is always more unknown than known. You are a mysterious thing you're getting to know, for a lifetime.

 

Other people? Same thing, and the greatest gift we can give another person is to see them as such. So, in ways, what makes relationships so strong, be they platonic or romantic, is being as comfortable with all you don't know, and can't know, than what you feel you do know, if that makes sense. Abstract as that sounds, it's actually pretty easy to gauge. It's someone who stirs in you a sense of comfort and curiosity, of wonder more than edgy paranoia, and, most critically, someone who doesn't get in the way of your journey in getting to know yourself.

 

Guess what I'm trying to encourage is to think less about "only" being able to trust another's words, mannerisms, and so on, but to be able to trust that inner gauge that is you, your feelings. That becomes a lot easier when you drop the focus on making others happy, in emptying yourself in the hopes of filling others in order to feel full once more, since at the end of the day that is just turning feelings and actions into a currency exchange. At the end of the day, it requires a certain level of self-absorption, more than selflessness, to think we hold the power to infuse another human being with happiness 24/7.

 

Sounds like you had a positive exchange with your friend recently. Terrific. I would, however, try to see that in even a slightly different light: not as someone correcting an "error," which carries a whiff of judgement, but as someone showing you the ability to listen, to you, with compassion, to appreciate your unique "weight" with the same grace they appreciate their own. Your voice—your you-ness—was validated by another. People capable of that are the ones to invest in, because it's those people who, simply by being themselves, give you the space to do the same.

[AceAlice]

Sounds like you're doing well, Alice. Lots of Big Thoughts spinning around, I know, but seems they're sharpening the compass, opening the aperture.

 

A question I think about from time to time is: How well do I know myself? Like, if conceptually there is a thing that is 100 percent me, what percentage of that thing do I actually know and understand? Ten percent, or ninety? It's kind of a coin toss, depending on the hour or year, but I think the beauty is in accepting that it's never 100 percent, that maybe there is always more unknown than known. You are a mysterious thing you're getting to know, for a lifetime.

 

Other people? Same thing, and the greatest gift we can give another person is to see them as such. So, in ways, what makes relationships so strong, be they platonic or romantic, is being as comfortable with all you don't know, and can't know, than what you feel you do know, if that makes sense. Abstract as that sounds, it's actually pretty easy to gauge. It's someone who stirs in you a sense of comfort and curiosity, of wonder more than edgy paranoia, and, most critically, someone who doesn't get in the way of your journey in getting to know yourself.

 

Guess what I'm trying to encourage is to think less about "only" being able to trust another's words, mannerisms, and so on, but to be able to trust that inner gauge that is you, your feelings. That becomes a lot easier when you drop the focus on making others happy, in emptying yourself in the hopes of filling others in order to feel full once more, since at the end of the day that is just turning feelings and actions into a currency exchange. At the end of the day, it requires a certain level of self-absorption, more than selflessness, to think we hold the power to infuse another human being with happiness 24/7.

 

Sounds like you had a positive exchange with your friend recently. Terrific. I would, however, try to see that in even a slightly different light: not as someone correcting an "error," which carries a whiff of judgement, but as someone showing you the ability to listen, to you, with compassion, to appreciate your unique "weight" with the same grace they appreciate their own. Your voice—your you-ness—was validated by another. People capable of that are the ones to invest in, because it's those people who, simply by being themselves, give you the space to do the same.

 

Thank you for these amazing words, bluecastle.

You're right in what you say. We never truly know ourselves 100%, but in saying though, how could we? We are constantly learning, growing, evolving. I realise this now, and must remind myself that others are doing the same. From your words I have come to the realisation that the unknown of myself and others is not something to fear, or worry about. It's something I need to embrace and accept.

 

I'll never know how other people think, but that's the beauty of it all. Instead of solely focusing on others thoughts and feelings, it's about focusing on what I think and feel. How that person engages with me and my emotions. My friend is perplexing in that they communicate in a different way than I do. At first i worried about how what I said would affect them, but in the end, the only way of knowing was to be open and honest. In return they were not offended, and understood. They continue to understand, and value the same characteristics that i do, just in a different way. A more upfront way.

 

We talked about how I have never really encountered others with high values of honesty and the belief that it should be consistent and normal to be truthful. She said it's sad and frustrating that I haven't felt that from someone before. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know in the process of worrying about upsetting someone I have neglected to be completely honest about how i feel. And others have done the same to me. But this friend has been nothing but honest in our interactions, and understanding without taking offence. She's accomplished, confident, and knows what she wants. I've never attracted someone like this before, and it enforces what many say about attracting those you feel you deserve.

 

Ive always been worried about what people think of me, how they feel, putting them first. But for the first time in my life i don't care what people think of me. Im just being me, being open and honest and those that dont appreciate that arent a match for me.

 

Sorry for the long response, but i fully appreciate your posts more than i can explain. Thank you kindly.

[AceAlice]

Day 25

 

For the last 2 days I've been feeling up and down. Sometimes it's alright, other times it's that sinking feeling that almost knocks me off my feet. Ive been focusing on family, making new friends and just taking things day by day.

 

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a psychologist. The place i was originally referred to had a wait list of 2 months, so I got to looking into other places and emailed one about whether I could see one of their psychologists. I received an email back the following morning from a psychologist who wanted to take me on. She held a spot for me and although she retires soon, she is willing to see me until she leaves. Im hoping it goes well, and i can get some guidance on things.

 

Im still seeing my councillor, most of our chats are now featured around me growing as a person, and reassurance that I'm moving forward. She reminds me that im only human, and that I'm doing the best I can right now. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own head that i don't acknowledge how far I've come. How much im working towards a better future for myself.

 

At the end of the day, I judge myself too much, criticize myself, when really I'm doing the right things, the things i need to do to get better, to move forward. I guess I am so stuck in old habits that doing things for myself kinda feels unnatural and wrong. But if i keep doing them, it will become natural one day, and I'll be a better person for it.

 

Like everything in life, it takes time, patience, and resilience. Ill get through this, I'll become stronger, smarter, and more self assured. Just gotta take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

 

N2. Impatience.

I'm an impatient person. Not when it comes to others, but when it comes to myself. Its hard to explain, but I've always been able to accept the time required by others to do or understand things, but when it comes to myself understsnding or doing something, I expect myself to be able to do so quickly. When I can't, well, I judge myself and hate on myself. I'm my number 1 critic.

 

P2. This experience is not something you can logically and quickly work through. It just isn't possible. There is no quick fix, to magic pill, no fast forwarding. I have had to learn to just deal with it, let it naturally flow, let it be. For the first time in my life I am being patient with myself, and honestly, i needed this to happen. Ive pushed myself mentally for so long, and now I'm forced to let myself be. It's uncomfortable, and strange, but the more I do it, the better I feel.

[AceAlice]

Day 26

 

I feel good today. No bad dreams, no morning anxiety attacks. Ive made a few new friends and will hopefully catch up with them soon and hang out. We have lots of common interests and no real mutual friends, so its like a new start.

 

A bit nervous for my first appointment with my psychologist, but I know things will be okay. The appointment might knock me around a bit, but thats to be expected. Bringing up all that bleh is bound to upset me a bit, but its gotta be done to move forward and get the help I need.

 

Ill post self negatives and positives either later today or tomorrow. Just gonna ride this high feeling for now.

[AceAlice]

Day 27

 

Just got back from nearly 2 hours at the gym, and man do I feel good. 30mins cardio followed by a lot of weight training does the world of good, both mentally and physically. Spending time working on myself is cathartic, and pushes me towards goals I've put off for far too long.

 

I had a dream about my ex last night, but it didn't affect me too much. I can't really remember my dream, which helps. Progress is progress, and i can see that im making it.

 

Now to go about my day and keep my head up. Its slowly getting better, one day at a time.

[Lambert]

Hi Alice

 

Glad you're pulling through and feeling the sense of accomplishment!

[AceAlice]

Hi Alice

 

Glad you're pulling through and feeling the sense of accomplishment!

 

Thank you Lambert. It means a lot.

[AceAlice]

Day 28

 

Today is a bit rough. It's one of those days where everything reminds me of the ex. I haven't cried in a week, and I feel on the edge of tears. I think I'll let myself cry a bit and work through it, hopefully it makes me feel a bit better. After seeing my psychologist on Monday i knew I would have a few bad moments, so I am prepared to let the feelings wash over me.

 

It sucks feeling like this. Losing someone you care so much about is horrible. I keep thinking about the first time we met, and how amazing it was. If I could go back to that day I would. If I could fix things, i would. But i know I can't. I tried my hardest to work on the issues but in her eyes it was over. There is nothing i can do about that. I dont regret trying, nor do i regret the relationship. It was beautiful, and changed my life, but it wasnt meant to be.

 

I miss her. And i hope she is okay. But for now I have to let her go.

[AceAlice]

Day 32

 

I just got home from work. It was a tough one today. It's worse now that I'm stagnant again.

I don't really know why I'm so upset, just feel alone, crappy and tired. Worked from 7:30am till 4:30pm and had an awful sleep. Stupid dreams came back, and man, can they affect you. I keep telling myself its just a dream, it's not real but the affect it has is horrible.

 

I don't like feeling like this, know one does. It is hitting me hard today and I just have to roll with it. What else can I do? I have work again tomorrow so I have to try to pull myself together. Time is a painful thing sometimes, but there isnt anything i can do about it.

[AceAlice]

Its still day 32, and things have taken a bad turn. I'm a literal mess tonight. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I've tried mediating and breathing exercises but nothing seems to help. I stupidly broke no contact, I don't expect a response. I miss my Ex, my best friend. I know it wasn't a perfect relationship, but we were there for each other through a lot and now thats gone and I am struggling.

 

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

[boltnrun]

Can you contact your psychiatrist and ask for an emergency appointment? I did when I had a severe panic attack and she saw me virtually the next day.

 

Also, remove your ex's contact info from your phone. You may have the number memorized but you'd have to make the extra effort of typing in the number and that alone might stop you.

 

Then think about why you thought contacting her would help you feel better and remind yourself next time you're tempted.

[AceAlice]

Can you contact your psychiatrist and ask for an emergency appointment? I did when I had a severe panic attack and she saw me virtually the next day.

 

Also, remove your ex's contact info from your phone. You may have the number memorized but you'd have to make the extra effort of typing in the number and that alone might stop you.

 

Then think about why you thought contacting her would help you feel better and remind yourself next time you're tempted.

 

I think i contacted her because i still hold onto hope of getring her back. I know it is stupid, and that I'm hurting myself. I just miss her so much and it really hurts. I see my psychologist tomorrow and i expect a lot of tears and hopefully honest words of wisdom to come from it. Ive deleted her number. She didnt respond and it hurts like hell but at least there is some closure in that.

 

I'm not coping well at all. I'm so grateful for this site and the amazing people like you, boltnrun, because without you all, I don't know what I would do.

[AceAlice]

Day 33

 

What a sh*t show today has turned out to be. The ex ended up replying, and apologised for taking ages to reply and we talked about being friends but then it turned around because I felt it right to tell her that the dog her dad had to give away and a family member of mine took in, was given a new home because it ripped apart their fence. Now, she had mentioned in the past when we were still together that if my family member no longer wanted the dog, she would take him. This all happened when we were broken up and I had no idea what was going on until it was too late. It wasnt my dog, and i wasn't able to notify her of it before it happened because it was all in motion prior to me knowing.

 

Anyway, i explained this to her but she said she is upset, wished i didn't tell her, wished i told her so she could take the dog and that she is going to stop talking. I managed to find the dogs new owners, and told her I will contact them if she would like, to see if I can buy him off of them for her, or to at least ask how he is going so she has some closure. She told me not to, and to leave it. I apologised and said I'll leave her alone. Haven't heard from her since.

 

Now, I know I should of told her earlier. But like I said, the decision wasn't up to me, it wasn't my dog, and by the time I knew it was too late.

I was afraid of her reaction, didn't want to upset her. But if we were to give friendship a shot I had to be honest and tell her. Look how that turned out, Alice.

 

Weirdly, I feel a bit relieved. I think her reaction to it all is helping me realise that I'm not the issue. I mean, I found the dogs owner and was willing to get it back for her, and she's still upset with me over something completely out of my control. And I'm walking around saying to myself, "you've got to be kidding me, this is ing ridiculous, I can't do anything right".

 

Ahh well.

[AceAlice]

Day 34

 

Today I see my psychologist. Time to knuckle down and start figuring out my issues so I can proactively work on them.

 

I feel okay today, I guess knowing that the ex is struggling has helped. Not in a mean way at all, but it's nice to see that I am not completely responsible for how she was feeling towards me. It was something within her that led to what happened, and she was doing what she had to do to make it better for her. That is something i can understand and respect, and from our communication I can see that the person she is right now, isn't a healthy person for myself.

 

We never have ourselves completely put together, we just find that comfortable point where we are happy with who we are and accept that we are constantly growing. I've accepted that growth is a never ending thing, like age in many aspects. Am I comfortable with myself? No, but I do find comfort in who I am growing to be.

 

I put boundaries in place, I am honest and responsible, I admit my faults and work to change them, I do not hold myself accountable for the actions of others, nor do I hold others accountable for my actions. I apologise when I have done something wrong, still apologise too much sometimes but I'm working on that. I admit when I feel down and ask for support when I need it. I don't expect support though, I don't expect anything from anyone other than myself. In the last 2 months I have grown a lot.

 

What I find interesting is how those around me behave differently than they used to. My sister has always seen me as a strong person. The one she turns to in times when she can't turn to the rest of the family. She's older than me by the way, but the dynamic of our relationship has been one of us being on level ground. She may be older than me but she doesn't treat me like a little sister. Our dynamic hasn't changed much, but she has seen a vulnerable side to me that she hadn't seen in a long time, maybe never before. And she's stepped up to the plate and offered her support in more ways than one.

 

My dynamic with my friends has changed also. I'm more honest about myself, not as scared to offend someone. They appear to be proud of me almost. Those that have been through this experience with me, and allowed me to confide in them are still there, even though I'm a mess, they are still there. In fact, the tables have turned for one of my friends, and now they are going through a break up and confiding in me. We check on each other every day, have a vent, joke about how we should start charging each other for therapy, give each other advise and remind each other that we are beautiful people who deserve to be treated as such.

 

And then there are the amazing people on here. The people who made it through or are making it through the storm. The people who read my long winded, frustrating rants, and tell me everything will be okay, don't give up, it gets better, you can do this. The advise and words of wisdom from you all are a godsend. I cannot thank you all enough.

[AceAlice]

Day 37

 

I gotta work on understanding that other people don't think like i do, and that doesn't mean they don't care, just that they perceive things differently to me. I have a friend that's slow at replying. They admitted this from the get go, and explained that it's not intended, they are just busy and it's not intentional.

I'm the opposite, I reply pretty much straight away. Now, in my infinite anxiety, I worry that my friend doesn't actually wanna talk to me. Which i tell myself is stupid because they eventually reply, and it's never a day later or anything like that.

 

I know a lot of my issues stem from the fear of being abandoned. But it's irrational because people do leave. Friends, family, partners, they all have the right to leave if they want to. It's something i can't completely control, and I'm noticing more and more that I like having control. Not of another person, but of the situations i put myself in. Because this friend doesn't interact in a way I do, I feel a lack of control in the situation. The fear of the unknown kinda thing. It's silly, but something I want to work on.

 

I think it's related to many things. Not being secure in myself to trust that I am worthy of friendship from others without constant reassurance, concern that I annoy people, reading into things that aren't actually there. At least I recognize my issues and want to work on them. That's the start of becoming a better me.

[AceAlice]

Day 37 still

 

I've had a rough day. My dad isn't well, and while I've been aware of it for a while, watching him deteriorate is not pleasant. I'm struggling with everything currently. I feel like I can't catch a break. First I lost my fiancee, then my job, now my dad is deteriorating. All within the last 2 months. The fact that I'm still functioning is amazing to me. I don't know how much longer I can cope, but I just have to keep persisting.

 

Having suffered from depression and anxiety for a lot of my life, I have had my fair share of ty moments. I've attempted suicide before, and can vividly remember how dark a place I was in for that to happen. The abyss is a dark and lonely place, and I'm scared I'll end up back there. I've been doing everything I can to avoid that from happening. Seeing therapists, reading self help books, getting out and about, working out, walking alot, meeting new people. I feel like im running a race against time right now. I need time to heal, but I'm running out of time mentally.

 

I know as long as I can keep myself in a state of mind that I don't completely lose control I won't do anything stupid, however being scared of what I could do if i let myself fall too far is terrifying.

 

I hope this ends soon. I need a break, something has to give.

[AceAlice]

Day 39

 

The past few days have been a bit turbulent. Overall i hurt less, I think the issue is that I'm impatient and just want the pain to go away. The thing I'm mourning the most is the friendship. My friends are all busy with their own stuff and I'm stuck feeling alone. I'm planning a trip to go see my best friend, and stay with him for a while. He lives 5 hours away from me in my home town. We have been friends since we were 6 years old, and have always had each others backs. Just getting away from this city will help me.

 

I'm working on getting a different career, something ive always wanted to do and will give me more motivation in life. It's easier said then done, but i have support and will make it work.

 

I go to the gym at least 3 times a week, work out hard, go for hikes, walk my dog, spend lots of time with family. The loss hurts, but having family around helps more than i can say.

Tomorrow I see my psychologist again, and we are hopefully going to start working on my self improvements. Trying to work on yourself after years of putting everyone first is damn difficult. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, whether it's okay to feel so lost. I guess it doesn't matter if its okay or not, I just have to keep pushing and make it through this.

 

One day I'll be okay again, just gotta stop focusing on when the one day will be and let it happen naturally.

[AceAlice]

Day 42

 

Well, the okay feeling is gone again. These ups and downs are a bloody nightmare. My psych isn't helping much. Basically tells me to surround myself with confident people who support me. It's harder than it seems, especially in these times. I talk to my councillor today, gonna ask her for help. I'm struggling with this a lot more than I can handle right now.

 

The thoughts won't stop. It hurts and is frustrating. I don't wsnt to think about her anymore. I don't want to wish she will come back, i don't want to miss her. I'm so tired, exhausted, upset. I can't sleep properly, can't relax, can't process my thoughts. I'm pissed off at everything. I can't understand how people can treat others badly. It's unfair, and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

If im being honest, I know my depression is getting to me. I'm falling into a hole that I don't want to be in. No one is listening to me when I try to express how much I'm struggling right now. They just push me to better myself, like im not already trying to better myself.

 

How do I ask for help when I'm already screaming at the top of my lungs?

[bluecastle]

Some questions to start: What's something you've always wanted to learn? Anything you've wanted to know how to cook? What qualities do you notice in other people—qualities or hobbies—that have inspired you, made you itchy to see about cultivating something similar in yourself? When you last went for a walk, what are three things you observed that surprised you, made you grin or ask a question in the confines of you mind? Any books you've considered rereading but then that considering got interrupted by the winds of life?

 

I'm sorry for the turbulent feelings, Alice.

 

I ask those questions because, looking back on some of my own periods of heartache, they're ones that have floated into my head and, in exploring them, become something of a keel by yanking me outside of myself—or, perhaps more accurately, by helping me shed a husk or two. A lot of the work in progress I am today, in fact, can be traced back to some of those periods, pursuing answers to those questions. Would I be good cook with a mean yoga practice were it not for that relationship that ended and turned me upside down for a stretch? No way. Neither would I have ridden a motorcycle through Japan and ended up in California, were it not for another. When I hear Beethoven today I think of a class I took to break up the cycles of ruminating about one of those love's lost. Just walked my girlfriend's dog and made a point to notice 5 types of flowers I can't identify, but will enlist the Internet in helping me out—a little habit formed in less tranquil times that keeps me steady still.

 

Does any of that help you, right now? Probably not, I know, but I hope there's maybe a salt shake of something to make the moment more palatable. The mind is a wildly strong organ, and I suppose I'm trying to encourage ways to interrupt certain cycles at present, and replace them with new ones, a bit like slipping greens into meals to improve the diet. Such a hard time, this one in the world, to go through a hard time. But it is a fertile time, I think, for you, just going from some of the insights and reflection I've seen in this thread. Hang in there.

[AceAlice]

Some questions to start: What's something you've always wanted to learn? Anything you've wanted to know how to cook? What qualities do you notice in other people—qualities or hobbies—that have inspired you, made you itchy to see about cultivating something similar in yourself? When you last went for a walk, what are three things you observed that surprised you, made you grin or ask a question in the confines of you mind? Any books you've considered rereading but then that considering got interrupted by the winds of life?

 

I'm sorry for the turbulent feelings, Alice.

 

I ask those questions because, looking back on some of my own periods of heartache, they're ones that have floated into my head and, in exploring them, become something of a keel by yanking me outside of myself—or, perhaps more accurately, by helping me shed a husk or two. A lot of the work in progress I am today, in fact, can be traced back to some of those periods, pursuing answers to those questions. Would I be good cook with a mean yoga practice were it not for that relationship that ended and turned me upside down for a stretch? No way. Neither would I have ridden a motorcycle through Japan and ended up in California, were it not for another. When I hear Beethoven today I think of a class I took to break up the cycles of ruminating about one of those love's lost. Just walked my girlfriend's dog and made a point to notice 5 types of flowers I can't identify, but will enlist the Internet in helping me out—a little habit formed in less tranquil times that keeps me steady still.

 

Does any of that help you, right now? Probably not, I know, but I hope there's maybe a salt shake of something to make the moment more palatable. The mind is a wildly strong organ, and I suppose I'm trying to encourage ways to interrupt certain cycles at present, and replace them with new ones, a bit like slipping greens into meals to improve the diet. Such a hard time, this one in the world, to go through a hard time. But it is a fertile time, I think, for you, just going from some of the insights and reflection I've seen in this thread. Hang in there.

 

Thank you for your words blue. As always they comfort me and give me amazing advice.

 

I'm going to push myself to do all the things that I have wanted to do. This time is about me and finding my happiness within.

 

Ive learnt alot about myself in this process. I don't cope well being alone. I constantly find myself trying to fill the void within myself with other people. I know that isn't healthy, and I honestly need to stop doing this and let myself become comfortable alone. Fill that void with self love and respect. I don't love myself. Im starting to though, and thats something. I'm beginning to see that I am a good person and have good qualities.

 

I'm going to buy myself a motor bike and get into riding again. I miss the freedom of the road, the thrill of the ride. Take time to appreciate the world around me more. Appreciate what I have, and not dwell on what I have lost. Its easier said than done but it's a good start and hopefully will become a habit.

[AceAlice]

A lot has happened since I last wrote, and everyday I learn something new about myself. I've been progressing well in terms of my self confidence. Surrounding myself with good people, learning to take each day as it comes. I've still got a fair way to go, but it's not something that can be quickly solved. Realising that everything takes time and patience is something important, and getting to that point is a big thing for me.

 

My biggest concerns revolve around unhealthy habits I am working on kicking to the curb. I talk down about myself way too much. Although I am conscious of this, it still happens on an unconscious level. My psychologist has noticed it even when I didn't realise I was doing it. She stops me in my tracks and asks why I think so negatively of myself and my behaviours.

 

Yesterday while seeing her, she made me aware of how I constantly try to please people. How I apologise to her over unnecessary things, make excuses for people treating me badly, take the blame for other people's actions, and shut down instead of standing up for myself.

 

A good example of this is when I met a new friend and realised we were too different to get along. Basically, the annoyed the sh*t out of me and were odd. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be friends" I tried to get them to dislike me. They even pushed boundaries that I put into place, but I stayed firm on those, reminding them of those boundaries. It got to a point of me again shutting down, tolerating them and then getting out of there quick smart.

 

I find myself asking why the hell I behave this way. I know I don't like upsetting people, but at the expense of making myself feel like the bad guy? Why does it feel better to me to be the bad guy and force them into a decision? Maybe because I'm so scared of letting people down that if they decide not to like me it is their decision and not mine, therefore I don't feel guilt over letting them down?

 

Urgh, I definitely need to stand up for myself more and actually stop feeling guilty over things out of my control. Not everyone gets along, and thats natural, its something that happens all the time. I know if I made a friend and they didn't see us being compatible for friendship I would appreciate them telling me. Why is it so different when I'm the one who has to say how i feel.

 

Weird things happen in life. One of which is the friendship between my first girlfriend and I. It's been two days since we hung out, and we communicate alot. Mostly random conversation about the day, jokes, old inside jokes and new ones, good mornings and good night's, anything and everything. As per my last forum post about this, I'm not quite sure what to do. If I'm being honest, my initial thoughts were to be honest and give it a shot. But after reflection, and much wonderful advice, my thoughts now are pretty content on me not doing anything. To let it flow naturally, not have expectations, just be present in the moment and enjoy it.

 

Why push something when we never really know whats going to happen? We are both young and we'll aware of the fact that it's not likely at this age to find someone who you will settle down with for the rest of your life. And neither of us are looking for that, so why not just enjoy being young and in each others lives in whatever capacity that is.

 

I shh now. Too much rant, but I feel better.

[AceAlice]

Well, apart from losing count of what day I'm on since i started this journal, everything is coming together nicely. Surrounding myself with good people has made me realise how bad I have been treated in the past. Not just by exes, but by friends also. I can't change people, and staying in those bad situations is something I now realise isn't worth the pain it inflicts on myself. Why sacrifice my own happiness for others? Why shut down instead of standing up for myself?

 

It's all about learning what's right for me and standing up for myself and my beliefs.

[bluecastle]

Well, apart from losing count of what day I'm on since i started this journal, everything is coming together nicely.

 

I would say that losing count is just a sign that everything is coming together nicely, not an exception. Might mean you're edging toward the place where you're not defining the present as You Going Through A Breakup, but simply You Being You.