Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Do you mean to get her back? It would help to stop the brother-sister sleep overs, yes. It may not lead to reconciliation, but it would be less hurtful for you. She left because of the brother-sister thing so asexual sleepovers simply reinforces that.does this backing off really work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Latest up date so I just seen ex as my turn to drop my daughter off at work. She was sad. When I asked if she was OK she started crying. I said what's up she said I just want things to be how they used to be. I said well they can do (no response). I said its ok if you are seeing someome else you can tell me but she didn't. I'm soooo confused. (My gut says she is) I also said answer me honestly ... do you love me? She said yes ill always love you. So I don't get it This starts out talking about your daughter. Then it makes no sense. Who is confusing what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted June 21, 2020 Author Share Posted June 21, 2020 Sorry i just meant it was my turn to pickmy daughter up. Thats why I went to exes house. The rest of imotions were about ex. Sorry for confusion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 Darcus. You ask: "does this backing off really work?" Fast answer is yes, in order for you to get back to yourself, and no other reason. You remarked in another post that she is "like a drug". Well, backing off any drug can only be good for the addict, in order to recover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 You need to view this as an addiction. The withdrawals are guaranteed to be painful. Accept that. You admit that when you see her it eases the pain of withdrawal. Much like an alcoholic taking a drink after abstaining for a week. And then you start all over again from the bottom, working your way up. But you never get to the other side unless you abstain. It tends to get worse before it gets better. But you push through the hard part with the promise that things are indeed better on the other side. You heal, get your balance back and come to peace with this. At some point you are open to find someone who wants the same thing you do and you'll be able to look back at this with some objectivity and wonder why you put up with for so long. I get you love her, but it's never a good enough reason to love for someone at the expense of yourself. You end up hating yourself in the process. Believe you deserve better. And you may or may not need antidepressant? But it doesnt negate the need to end this push and pull with someone who plays with your emotions. There is no magic pill for that. This calls for pulling yourself up, having the self esteem to say no more and grieving the end of this relationship. It won't be overnight, but what you think you need medication for while heal itself at some point. But you have to start somewhere. People go through this all the time. You aren't alone and we all survived and 99% of us found love again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 does this backing off really work? It 'works' to clear your head so that you can better estimate what game plan for your future is actually in your own best interests. From there you'll have the clarity to operate, and not a moment sooner. This isn't about manipulating your ex. You've already learned that hovering around in an attempt to do that doesn't work and only keeps you miserable. So skip that and do what it takes to gain clarity. Your ex has her own agenda, and it does not align with yours at this time. So stop the suffering. Back up and learn how to focus on your own healing to build a future in your own best interests. This will either prompt ex to respect you and maybe someday align with your agenda, or not, but it's the only shot you've realistically got. Head high, and choose wisely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 its got to be worth a shot! Thank you. Just difficult to do cause we have 2 girls 16 and 21, youngest lives with me eldest with mum. Any advice on that, tough to cut off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Stop the sexless sleepovers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 its got to be worth a shot! Thank you. Just difficult to do cause we have 2 girls 16 and 21, youngest lives with me eldest with mum. Any advice on that, tough to cut off Your daughters are old enough to 'get' that their parents are separated. They're also capable of phoning or visiting you or their mother without the other parent present. So what's the mystery? If either daughter asks why you're not hanging out with Mom, you can just say that you've decided it's healthier for both of you to cultivate different interests and form some new friendships. This doesn't need to be a heavy upheaval. Tell ex what you're doing and why, and ask for her cooperation. Limit discussion about it with your daughters, because it's not their problem and there's no need for them to shoulder anything beyond your encouragement to grow into two beautiful women who are easily able to manage their own relationships and time spent with each parent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Your daughters are old enough to 'get' that their parents are separated. They're also capable of phoning or visiting you or their mother without the other parent present. So what's the mystery? If either daughter asks why you're not hanging out with Mom, you can just say that you've decided it's healthier for both of you to cultivate different interests and form some new friendships. This doesn't need to be a heavy upheaval. Tell ex what you're doing and why, and ask for her cooperation. Limit discussion about it with your daughters, because it's not their problem and there's no need for them to shoulder anything beyond your encouragement to grow into two beautiful women who are easily able to manage their own relationships and time spent with each parent. Excellent advice for you, Darcus. What's so difficult about what Catfeeder suggests? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 Simply because its hard I suppose. I know what you have all said and will try to do it ...maybe one day I'll be happy . Thanks all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Darcus. "Happiness" doesn't fall out of the sky into your lap. For sure. I prefer the word "contentment", and YOU have to work towards that. It doesn't just happen. And it sure cannot be provided by another person, ever. And a saying: "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Simply because its hard I suppose. I know what you have all said and will try to do it ...maybe one day I'll be happy . Thanks all Anything worthwhile is "hard". Have you ever had a goal that required you to work hard? A promotion at work, a sport, learning a language? I'm sure it was hard, but totally worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 Simply because its hard I suppose. I know what you have all said and will try to do it...maybe one day I'll be happy . Thanks all Healing doesn't happen 'to' us, it requires our participation. We can either opt for an attitude that works against ourselves and makes everything harder, or we can opt to work in our own favor. That's a decision over which we each own full control. Do I want to adopt resilience and work 'toward' my best future, or do I want to squelch my own potential with a defeatist mentality that keeps me stuck in my past? What attitudes and behaviors do I want to model for my kids? Will I teach my daughters that their self worth and happiness can only come from forming a dependency on someone else? Since emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around, behave 'as if' you've got this. Make resilience a private goal, and make yourself proud. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 Healing doesn't happen 'to' us, it requires our participation. We can either opt for an attitude that works against ourselves and makes everything harder, or we can opt to work in our own favor. That's a decision over which we each own full control. Do I want to adopt resilience and work 'toward' my best future, or do I want to squelch my own potential with a defeatist mentality that keeps me stuck in my past? What attitudes and behaviors do I want to model for my kids? Will I teach my daughters that their self worth and happiness can only come from forming a dependency on someone else? Since emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around, behave 'as if' you've got this. Make resilience a private goal, and make yourself proud. Head high. Cat. Had to flag that up. Great post. In a nutshell: Psychological resilience is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Resilience exists when the person uses "mental processes and behaviors in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Psychological resilience is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Resilience exists when the person uses "mental processes and behaviors in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors". Most importantly, resilience is a choice. It isn't some arbitrary trait that we either have, or we don't. It's a life skill that can be pursued and developed, or not. You can tell by the way someone speaks whether they are on a healing road or a defeatist road. The defeatist comes from a place of resentment, stagnation and a reluctance to own their own path. While the healing person may suffer and grieve just as deeply, they hold a focus on moving themselves forward to create better days and climb to higher ground. A defeatist belief that suffering entitles us to the kind of sympathy from others that might somehow heal us is a faulty embrace of stagnation. And it's not even accurate. I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself and my kids. Whether ex ever grows to respect you for that rather than continuing to manipulate you for her own comforts can become irrelevant. That would be a win/win for all involved. It would buy you respect from others based on SELF respect, and that's a pride that can only be experienced rather than imagined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Absolutely Cat. This from an excellent article by Suzanne Kane titled "Eleven ways to cultivate resilience "Cultivating resilience in the face of all life’s challenges is a proactive way of dealing with the unexpected, the upsets and disappointments, the pitfalls and successes in life, including how to cope with trauma, chronic pain, adversity and tragedy." One important point in the article: "Avoid personalizing. There’s no point in engaging in blame or endlessly thinking about your situation. Besides being counter-productive, it makes you feel worse. Make use of some of the healthy coping measures you’ve successfully used before and stop ruminating about what happened to you." Certainly there are people who due to temperament, upbringing and other factors are more resilient than others to begin with. But it is a goal to be worked towards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 thank you all makes alot of sense. We spoke today actually and she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. So if she is seeing someone else (90% sure) firstly we split over a year ago and still have good contact, can we be best friends? 2nd how do I know if its a rebound? 3rd surely he won't want her spending time with me? Take fathers day she invited me to hers for Sunday dinner with our girls, lovely day had some drinks and some laughs - this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems alot to leave behind Best way forward pls my dear friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 It sounds like she thinks your a good father and friend. But she left because of the asexual, nonromantic brother-sister, roommates, thing. It sounds like congenial co-parenting but she wants sex and her drinks, not what you had.she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. she invited me to hers for Sunday dinner with our girls, lovely day had some drinks and some laughs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 OP. The best way forward? You have been advised the best way forward in a myriad of posts and you yourself say we all make a lot of sense. So? You are reading too much into Having a nice meal and drinks on father's day. So just having meal and a few drinks gave you the impression you "have a chance". "..this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems a lot to leave behind" Who said you are leaving two (adult) children behind? What you are leaving behind (we hope!) is this brother-sister relationship. Why are you second-guessing this man? what he wants or doesn't want is between them. "surely he won't want her spending time with me?" Any conversations with her should focus solely and exclusively on your daughters and any co-parenting arrangements, nothing else. Certainly not drift from what should be practicalities into unrealistic sentimentality of this variety: "she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. " Clutching at straws is an exercise in futility OP. Instead start swimming strongly into the positive waters ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 OP. The best way forward? You have been advised the best way forward in a myriad of posts and you yourself say we all make a lot of sense. So? You are reading too much into Having a nice meal and drinks on father's day. So just having meal and a few drinks gave you the impression you "have a chance". "..this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems a lot to leave behind" Who said you are leaving two (adult) children behind? What you are leaving behind (we hope!) is this brother-sister relationship. Why are you second-guessing this man? what he wants or doesn't want is between them. "surely he won't want her spending time with me?" Any conversations with her should focus solely and exclusively on your daughters and any co-parenting arrangements, nothing else. Certainly not drift from what should be practicalities into unrealistic sentimentality of this variety: "she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. " Clutching at straws is an exercise in futility OP. Instead start swimming strongly into the positive waters ahead. It's time to take several deep breaths and look to your future. Your children are grown, you have this new chapter to write. It is not going to write itself. Be thankful for all that has brought you to this point. Go Become that great catch for someone new. Pour all your love into yourself and all your little quirks that make you, you. Once you love yourself, you'll be ready to love someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 You don't want to be "best friends". Would you be totally fine having dinner with her and a new husband or boyfriend? You would feel no hurt at all? If you would be hurt, you don't want to be "friends". Also, in the next breath you mention having a chance with her. Again, you don't want to be "friends". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted June 29, 2020 Author Share Posted June 29, 2020 I guess I'm just going around in circles really I know, I don't want to waste anymore of your time. I just cant bring myself to break contact!! Thanks for all your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lost39- Posted July 16, 2020 Author Share Posted July 16, 2020 back again, have taken a step back and not so available anymore! Thing is when I do see her she is really cold, almost like a different person. Why is this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 back again, have taken a step back and not so available anymore! Thing is when I do see her she is really cold, almost like a different person. Why is this?Because your relationship is over. But that's been covered. Instead of focusing on her behavior you would be better served figuring out why you are so resistant to moving on. This can't feel good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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