Should I accept my partners need to have ex lovers on Social media pages?

[ninjabib]

Get a prenup.

[bluecastle]

Well, you seem to have a handle on all this.

 

Best I can see, the social media stuff is just a symptom of something of a reckoning at the core of this dynamic. The exotic beauty, the broken past, the accidental damsel: it's clearly a narrative you two both share, fuel, find heat and meaning and comfort inside—particularly in the notion that you are the patient "full package" that has shown her the light, or at least some steps toward its noble glow. As long as that's the story that you're choosing to live and build a life around, there will be "back steps" in the form of...well, of whatever. Right now it's social media. Later it will be something else.

 

In other words, what you are presently concerned about is actually what you're also very into in this dynamic, with the frustrations coming, at least from where I sit, that she's not quite coming around or maturing at a rate that rewards your efforts. Lacking the reward you've gotten from her from time to time, you are feeling edgy, reduced a bit to just being a human man rather than the special forces hero who can guide her out of the saucy trenches of past lives. If you're wanting to proceed, and cement all this with marriage, I think you just need to accept that this is how it will feel from time to time.

[abitbroken]

I speak from some experience. I was the younger woman. The age gap wasn't as great as the two of you, but in your very early 20s, ten years can be immense. At any rate, once I was at a point where my insecurities were in check and I really came into my own, the relationship crumbled. My ex became more controlling, dismissive, accused me of "oh, you want that promotion so you can leave me." If she is battled her insecurities like what is implied and thinks that she is becoming more confident BECAUSE of her relationship with you and not her personal achievements, there is going to be something rotten in Denmark as her kids get older and she is more able to have flexibility at work to take on a bigger/higher paying role or really come into her own. And in 10 years, while she is still "hot", you are going to start really looking like an old dude. I think it was a mistake to move in with someone who has kids unless a wedding is around the corner.

 

You seemed to be really puffed up about your looks - so they are important to you. What if she doesn't look as stunning in a few years == she messes up her "model pretty" face in a accident, or such?

[Rose Mosse]

I still can't sense any intellectual equality or bonding.

 

I am not judging you for your choices. I was in a 40 yr age gap relationship in my 20s. It was a couple of years long and I ran off to live my life. I wasn't there when he passed away and I didn't know.

 

It was positive, extremely respectful, restorative, witty and it was a safe harbour. I learned a lot. Mind you, I have always had a strong father figure presence in my life also. My father was very much an engaging and interactive parent, supportive and the biggest cheerleader in anything I set out to do - always present and always ready to lend an ear. This relationship didn't come from a need for an older male figure.

 

If you can safely say that the both of you share a lot more topics in common and have a lot more to talk about than her sadness and damage and her exes, you both may have something to work with in a relationship for awhile.

 

Saying that you quietly are waiting for her to satisfy your need for less exes before you'll marry her is truthful on your part (good for you to acknowledge that) but also manipulative for her. There are always two sides to every coin.

 

It means that before you will accept her wholly as an equal, she needs to change.

 

That doesn't sit right with me. All the growing she needs to do can also come from being single and developing herself in ways you will never be able to guide or provide.

 

If she does grow out of her damage or outgrows you, she may leave you too just like I left my partner all those years ago. I couldn't absorb any more knowledge from him and I needed to go, spread my wings. Looking back I am only grateful for the time and all the confidence he placed in me the way you place in your partner. He restored my faith in many ways and it made me very strong.

 

I wish only the best for the both of you.

[abitbroken]

I have seen wonderful age gap relationships - two people in a very obscure research field or narrow interest realize that they are made for eachother-- matches of the intellect, not of the hot bods.

 

Also, when guys say "women my age dismiss me" -- sometimes its because a guy is 50 and act like an irrepsonsible college student, is controlling, likes to hear himself talk, etc, or they know his ex. or they don't know he's interested and single -- they assume he's married. women in their 40s through 60 were not born yesterday

[j.man]

Kelly here thanks for all the comments I appreciate the comments.

 

Just to clear some items up that seem to be misunderstood or questions some of you have.

 

I am financially set she is lower income but works very hard and puts in 40 to 80 hours a week. When I met her she had no idea of my financial background and she never asked never pried. These questions have zero to do with my key question and if you dont know the situation they could as sone have suggested have alot to do with who she is as a person.

 

Comments like I am with her cause she is beautiful has zero to do witj the question I have. I am good looking and have always dated and been married at one time to beautiful women.

 

I had no clue about her sexual appetite when I met her and we were building friendship so not my business. As we became closer friends I could see some issues and never tried to change her but did on occasion show my disappointment with some stuff she did and gave her my best advise as she became close to me on subjects she asked questions about.

 

I'm not going to get into her broken younger life and why she was at the point she was in life when I met her but i am smart enough to figure out why she does and did what she does. As I said before I don't judge people for there past.

 

She never slept with others while we dated she had other partners in the first few years as we were only friends building a relationship and it never got to the point of serious relationship until last year. It could have gotten serious earlier but I kept a little distance cause I knew she was not ready for a serious relationship as she had to work out to find who she was.

 

As for my comment about how beautiful she is and being asked out 20 times in a day. She is just one of those beautiful people with striking good looks. Magazine cover looks. She is a little flirty but has stopped that as she gains more confidence in herself. I can tell you first had that it is un desired attention and in manipulated attention. I drop her off at work amd she cant walk the 300 meters to her office door without being stopped 3 times amd asked out gets tougher door has a note or two on a date or has people waiting for her positioning themselves once they see her so they can meet her or accidmtially be in contact. These are people she sees for the first time or who have seen her but never spoke to her. So i have seen with my own eyes that she is chased and dies lot creat the chase.

 

She has placed on her social media that she is engaged she does when someone asks her out tell them no she is in a committed relationship. She does when old exs contact tell them she is comitted to me amd if they get too pushy she deleted them and tells them she is engaged. For those who just get bold and message her for a hookup who she would have hook up with for a one night in the past she tells them she is in a committed relationship and does not do that stuff anymore as it was her self esteem issues that drove that type of behavior.

 

All good signs and as time passes she seems to be growing stronger with her control of other men in her life. At soft moments beyweennus she will cry amd break down amd tell me why she does things and what fromnhernoast drove those behaviours amd she knows and she is sorry she is still struggling. She tells me to give her time she is fixing her broke parts amd mending issues from the past. She tells me I'm the only one who has given her the strength and desire the be a better person. I never really saw the bad person when we hung out she was a great person that why I fell for her I waited 4years for her to flow my way seriously amd but beautiful women on hold for her so its not the looks thing. That's a part I'm a guy lol but that's not the whole package I'm looking for.

 

Last but not least the age difference I am not atypical 59 year old. I dont look it and I'm ex special forces so I dont act it. Age has little to do with attraction it's just about attraction.

 

I was actively trying to date for years and no women in my age demographic would pay me the time of day. At the same time ingot to the grocery store doing my own shopping as I'm alone and get hit on every where I go. My 2 step daughters past relationship if with me 15 and 18 years cant believe it they get tired of bring out with me getting hit on at every store. What bothers them is the flirting is so obvious amd always 25 to 35 year olds. I show them what an attractive older lady is to me amd ingot to flirt and they shut me down and I tell them sorry the young ones like me no idea why. So please dont judge age in a relationship.

 

All of this has almost zero to do with my question which is am I wrong to be to believe that when you get into a comitted relationship social media should be cleansed of exs and past sex life and those who want to flirt. I believe as I did when we became serious i stepped forward in my life and comitted to her and cut ties to past dates and single women.

 

The group here when passing comment on that question specifically believes that its obvious the social media should be cleaned of past males who want more then friends.

 

Thanks for that. I think I will wait a little longer not press her too hard and let her continue to slowly vet her social media her way and see if that cleans up to a point I'm satisfied. I have already in my mind decided that I wont marry her until that is cleaned up. Prenup obviously lol. I will very soon tell her that the closed off snap chat amd instagram she has but never uses has to be deleted complete amd she needs to add me to her current snap. Those are no brainers no compromise. Time will tell

 

TY for input

Buddy, you don't tell any grown adult what they "need" or "have" to do, much less anyone you at least claim to respect as a partner.

 

Look, this isn't a relationship I wouldn't have bothered to even enter, much less stay in with any sincerity or future prospects. Fact is you did despite it all. At the end of the day, it is what it is. Getting to the point of demanding she delete inactive accounts and include you in her social media is pretty "wow." What's worse, you proposed to her, so you've already committed to getting married. Despite proposing to her with this being an existing dynamic, you're gonna now dangle marriage in front of her like a carrot to get her, in your eyes, acting right? I can only wonder what your intentions behind proposing to her were.

 

You're not here asking anyone if you're wrong. Your language very clearly affirms your own feelings on it. "Waiting for her to clean up." Lol dude you're a 59 year old man, self-proclaimed former SOF ("ex special forces"), and you're sitting the background "vetting" your fiancee's social media behavior? Going to the internet for validation not to note suss out whether you two are fundamentally incompatible on this issue, but whether you've got authority to lord her behavior over her?

 

If you're wondering why a good number of these people are fixed on the age differential, it's because telling someone what they need to do and monitoring their social media use is a big part of parenting. If you gave us any impression you respect this woman as you would one your age rather than someone who is young enough to be your kid, you might receive a very different tone.

[Wiseman2]

Do the 4 kids live with you when she has them? Do the father's pay child support? How often are they there?

[Clio]

She has 5050 with 3 of kids and 1 is full time with her. Dont judge 4 different fathers each chilled is 4 years apart.

 

She is 36 not 23 i.e. she is way past her formative years.

 

She also has 4 children by 4 different fathers. This indicates a lot of missed chances to learn from mistakes.

 

Imo, hoping that she will grow out of the behaviours that bother you is unrealistic. Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour, especially when it comes to fully grown adults past 35.

 

And, no, you would not be putting up with her social media behaviour and her disregard of your feelings were it not that she is "very attractive". Regardless the age gap, valuing looks over your own relationship boundaries is highly unlikely to end well imo.

[Lambert]

She is 36 not 23 i.e. she is way past her formative years.

 

She also has 4 children by 4 different fathers. This indicates a lot of missed chances to learn from mistakes.

 

Imo, hoping that she will grow out of the behaviours that bother you is unrealistic. Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour, especially when it comes to fully grown adults past 35.

 

And, no, you would not be putting up with her social media behaviour and her disregard of your feelings were it not that she is "very attractive". Regardless the age gap, valuing looks over your own relationship boundaries is highly unlikely to end well imo.

Good points here.

 

Sounds like you value looks over how you're treated.

 

That's thing with all bad relationships... There is one or more really great things you like. If your partner would just change the few things you don't like. Ahhh Nirvana!

 

But there just comes a point where you have to accept this is who they are or walk away.

 

Are you fair/right to expect her to cut off other guys from social media? Absolutely! And here are the reasons why:

 

It matters to you. It makes you feel a certain way.

You and how you feel should be more important to your partner than everybody else....

 

You are conflicted because you know what you want, but you know she is not willing to give it to you. And your self respect is screaming to be recognized. You know this is not the relationship you want. But it's hard to put your foot down because of the things you do like/love.

 

This is basically every conflict in life. It's grounded in self doubt and fear. You know what's right and what you have to do, but the result is not what you want.

 

I'm only mentioning looks, because it is obviously a big part of your value system. You enjoy being & being with someone attractive. That is not a character flaw IMO. I'm a hottie, if I do say so myself [emoji5]

 

But hey! there is someone better out there for you.

 

So many people with relationship issues that post here are generally just terrified they won't find better or worse they will be alone. That's understandable. They are hurting from the people they had a lot of dreams attached to.

 

However, nothing, I write nothing! Good comes out of fear. (Danger is real. Fear is self inflicted). My point is, in the context of relationships, fear only holds us back from our true selves.

 

The best thing any of us can do is to determine our own deal breakers and then hold to them. Love, lust, fear all lead us to want to break our own deal breakers. But that is coming from a place of lack. In order to be empowered to get what we actually want, we must come from a place of abundance.

 

The commitment to seeing things as, I am worthy and I will receive what I want is paramount. of course its a two sided coin, but that willingness to walk on the deal breakers is a must.

 

So far, it sounds like she runs the show. This could be irreparable. So then it becomes a choice of 1. suffer and continue to give in, until you hate yourself or 2.put your foot down and be willing to let her end it. Not just for this but for all the disregard of your feelings over the years.

[Kelly G]

J man You missed the point and most of what you say is just baiting and trolling. Not going to respond to your comments they are not grounded innany logic.

 

Question was rather simple it was a social media amd exs question.

[Kelly G]

Wiseman The kids live with us half the time and when my GF is at work I look after them. 3 of the 4 get some support but most of the deal is a wash caus its 50 50.

[Kelly G]

TY Clio amd Lambert

[tocaceh3]

i think you should give another chance.

[ninjabib]

The fact that you posted here about this situation OP tells us that you already know its wrong for you and that is what you should go with.

[abitbroken]

J man You missed the point and most of what you say is just baiting and trolling. Not going to respond to your comments they are not grounded innany logic.

 

Question was rather simple it was a social media amd exs question.

 

I think bottom line is you need to accept people for who they are. Assume they will not change. Do you want to marry them?

 

The other consideration - my younger sister is the same age as her. She had Facebook when she was in high school. Not as a freshman, but senior year and maybe part of junior ad myspace was around even before that. You didn't have social media at that age it wasn't around. It wasn't around when i was her age, either. I mean, there was AOL and geocities and usenet,but it was not the same. Anyhow, for people that sort of grew up on it, it is the way to be to add everyone you graduated from high school with, your best friends siblings, people you went hiking with once, etc. If she were flirting with guys at work that's one thing - but just for the fact someone is on her friends list on her dead myspace account or something is not. Its a relic from the past.

 

I would hope she was friends with the fathers of the kids on Facebook - that's the new way for parents to keep updated about their kids when they are with the other parent. You want her to have a cordial relationship for the sake of the kids and the same in return. Foster parents do this so birth grandparents can keep connected and parents who share custody, or particularly parents who have lopsided custody (one only gets the kid a few weeks in the summer and every other weekend) do this. It is a way to commuicate wthout someone having all your other info if need be.

 

also, btw, i am not friends with my neighbors or my guy on facebook. my guy isn't on it, but all the neighbors are. I see them in person, i don't need to be on social media with them. i was connected on social media with my ex. we were married and both worked from home at times. i was mainly on because my family was far away, but what i have learned is you need some space from your significant other and have your own identity. No being connected on social media gives you more to talk about in person. And having 4 kids, she probably feels isolated from friends. She is either with her kids, or with you and might not have the time or you might frown upon her catching up with a girlfriend over coffee.

 

so bottom line - do not control her. And either accept her for who she is, or don't, but don't expect her to be something else.

 

Also, i get i you are retired but lots of people retired from the military start a second career, they volunteer, have an active hobby or even do part time consulting so you also have something to talk about and you have other things you are involved with besides her.