Any thoughts on this?

[PaulZS]

Also this could somewhat be a case of some nostalgia brought on by the quarantine, but I was thinking about it so I thought I would take a moment to ask about it.

[Skeptic76]

Just ask her to coffee and see what happens.

 

Definitely agree with everyone else that if she wants to meet up with you it will be crucial for you to approach the conversation with a desire to understand rather than to be understood. To keep it fun and friendly, not a deep dive into psychological theories and diagnosis. Don’t go making it about yourself *if* she wants to catch up with you. Focus on her and her journey and you’ll do much better.

[PaulZS]

That is really excellent advice, thank you.

 

I have also been catching up with a lot of old friends lately, which has been nice.

[Tinydance]

Actually I might be the odd one out here but if it was me personally, I probably wouldn't contact her. I know that you're getting help and working on your anxiety. That's very admirable and I really wish you all the best with your recovery process! I think at this stage it's been five years since you even spoke to your ex. So really she's in the past. Also you did break up twice. I'm assuming it was her that ended it due to your anxiety and being clingy, etc.?

 

Sometimes if a relationship is not working, that's for a good reason. Someone would not be your ex if things were going well and you were a good match. If she finds some of your anxiety behaviours off putting, I don't think that would change. Many people have mental health struggles and some have been with their partner for many, many years. Not all people are put off by anxiety. You do have anxiety and always did, so you need someone who is OK with this. Someone who supports you and accepts you as you are.

 

I personally wouldn't contact her again. I would try to have a fresh start and try to date new women. I think whatever problems your relationship with her had, will still have again. Fundamentally people don't actually change. It's good you're working on yourself but overall you are not a different person and neither is she.

[PaulZS]

Also if I may and nobody minds , when we would talk about the future and long term, one of the reservations she had was about what she called my OCD (I’m not sure why she thought I had OCD, maybe one of our mutual friends told people I had it, and they had mixed up OCD and social anxiety?)

 

So, like I said earlier, I thought I could at least clear the air on what my actual diagnosis is?

 

And she was really busy with some aspects of her own life and that is unfortunately when I started acting a bit clingy, which is what led to second breaking off. So again, really having clarity since then, I thought I could apologize for that and share how I’ve been doing lately?

 

Of course, I have gotten a lot of great advice here to not mention these things, if she is open to meeting.

 

Again, only just part of my thinking process that is probably at least influenced by nostalgia about life ( Like I said, I have contacted/reconnected with a lot of old friends recently) during the quarantine.

 

 

Thanks!

[Rose Mosse]

I'd go one step at a time. Just treat her like stranger as it's been a long while and don't make any assumptions. If, let's say, an hour into the coffee meet or the meet up in general, things are easygoing or comfortable enough to warrant it or if she asks, you mention things are going well for you and you've made improvements.

 

I wouldn't talk about theories and diagnoses and the differences between OCD and social anxiety. There's google and I'd suspect she's a smart woman. If she's curious she can look it up and if she's more curious she can ask you directly about it at a later time, maybe another meet up. I have to be honest - discussing mental health issues with someone is the last thing I'd want to do the first time I meet them after a long time. Huge turn off. I think this is where I'm also sensing your anxiety as you're sort of getting too wrapped up with the details if you meet each other.

 

A person might also misunderstand you (I think you're a caring person but you may be misinterpreted and people might get impatient with you) and your motives for meeting up - "Oh, he sounds preoccupied with himself and not really interested in me at all" type of thing. Saying to you 'don't worry about all this' may be really useless for someone who has social anxiety. The most I can say is follow your doctor's/psychologist's recommendations and keep practicing any therapy or helpful or mindful tips about not feeling too overwhelmed.

[PaulZS]

Thank you, that is excellent insight and advice.

[abitbroken]

I guess some of my thoughts were that I think she somehow thought I had OCD, so I thought maybe I could clear the air and say I have anxiety instead.

 

I guess I should specify that I’ve only been diagnosed with social anxiety, which I’m actually glad about because it gives me a lot of context and clarity on things.

 

 

Also this may be important details: during the 2003-2015 period we lived like eight blocks away from each other and during the period we started no contact in 2015 I moved to another state to help some family. Since we were on no contact I didn’t tell her that I moved. (I have other family now living in the previous home and I visit often.) But my situation is flexible, as I’m also thinking of studying, working in a Europe for a year or two.

 

It doesn't matter what she THOUGHT you had -- she couldn't handle your behavior. When people break up, and get back together once, they are reminded why they broke up with the person the first time. I would go live my life - if you want to study abroad, do it. There is someone else out there suited to who you are NOW. But why not continue with therapy?

[Wiseman2]

Ok, that is for friends, family, therapists and doctors, not exes you haven't contacted in years or new dates.

I thought I could at least clear the air on what my actual diagnosis is?