Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

[SherrySher]

It's okay, Hurt, I would suspect lots of people are stressed and having a bad year so far due to Covid. It's not great having a partner who ends up being a cheater.

 

There was nothing you could have done. That's the scary part about getting involved in a relationship, you could be the best partner ever, and they could still betray you.

But also try to remember, that not everyone is this way and not all women will betray you like this.

 

Lots of us on this forum have gone through what you're going through. We survived it and yes, it was incredibly difficult. But we're still here.

I hope you can try to get some sleep. Lack of sleep on top of this all, won't help.

[Hurt Man]

It's okay, Hurt, I would suspect lots of people are stressed and having a bad year so far due to Covid. It's not great having a partner who ends up being a cheater.

 

There was nothing you could have done. That's the scary part about getting involved in a relationship, you could be the best partner ever, and they could still betray you.

But also try to remember, that not everyone is this way and not all women will betray you like this.

 

Lots of us on this forum have gone through what you're going through. We survived it and yes, it was incredibly difficult. But we're still here.

I hope you can try to get some sleep. Lack of sleep on top of this all, won't help.

 

Thanks for your words,

I never ever thought that she would do anything like this & also treat me like this.

I know that not all women would do that, I just never expected her to do such a thing, I honestly thought that we were good. It also doesn’t help that she stays at the other end of the street, so I cannot avoid seeing her new guy at the house. & I cannot believe that just 3 months ago, I was still there with her & our boy.

 

I definitely do not feel like I want to get involved with anyone else in future,

I am 40 years old now, that hurts me that I am in this situation at my age. & also, when I look at the pictures & videos of my boy, that just makes me cry.

 

I miss her & him, yet I know that I should despise her for what she has done & the way she has been since, but I find it hard to do that for some reason.

 

As for this lockdown, it’s hard because I cannot do anything to try take my mind off of the situation, like go swimming, or even just go to the gym, visit my friends etc, It’s horrible.

 

I will get through this, it’s just hard, very very hard.

 

& yes, my sleep is shot, I cannot just sleep for a decent amount of time, yet prior to this happening, I had no problem getting to sleep & staying asleep.

[SherrySher]

It's normal to miss her. She wasn't always this person. And you're remembering the person you thought she was. Your mind is processing everything and yet is still not yet in the place where you feel this is all real.

 

You need to go through the mourning of it all yet. That's okay to do too. Losing a relationship will bring about a mourning period. Let yourself cry, feel the feelings, process it all, and heal. But don't stay there forever. There is no set time on how long it will take to mourn or heal from all of this. But try not to think in terms of your life being bad like this, forever. I know it feels that way, but it doesn't have to be.

 

I know it's too early to consider anyone else right now, but I do hope that your future will be brighter and better.

[bluecastle]

We're here to listen, Hurt, so don't feel bad for loading it on. It is, after all, the only thing this site is for. Embrace it!

 

Whatever you feel right now—like, all of it, and there are going to be many waves over many months—is okay. Not only okay. Healthy. It's your humanity making sense of human hurt. So try to remind yourself of that from time to time, as I know I've had to do: that all these feelings are okay.

 

My last longterm relationship ended with infidelity. Very different situation: no kids, and though we were always pretty "good," had you asked me if we were "great" at any point in the relationship I wouldn't have said yes. Still, it took me a long time to let the anger move through me—have to feel it all, so you can eventually let it go—as my nature and temperament are just not built to find much comfort in anger. I missed her a lot, especially in the early days. Probably there was something of a coping mechanism in not being angry, a way of avoiding the full weight of what had happened, or to let that weight drop onto my shoulders slowly, to avoid shattering. You might be doing something similar, and that, again, is okay.

 

As Sherry said, the truth of every relationship is that you can never control its path because the other half is, in ways, always a mystery. A level of faith is involved, and infidelity is so hard to process because it's an affront to that faith. Still, as she said, there isn't anything you could have done, so do remember that from time to time. Whatever was going on, whatever she wasn't sharing with you about her feelings, she chose this path. It's not a choice everyone makes.

 

All this will take considerable time to feel and process, but there is an end to it. The flip side to how you feel right now—more torn up than you knew was possible, is that your spirit is stronger than you know, capable of weathering this with grace and fortitude. Doubly hard for you is that you can't just a lot this moment for feeling everything—that goes into one compartment, while getting things straightened out with your son, and that arrangement, goes into another. Eyes on that, first and foremost. That's going to work out too.

[arjumand]

I hope you have sent another request to speak with your son today. That should be happening every day so you can show that you were steady in your interest to be a father and she was steady in her choice to act like you don't exist.

[Hurt Man]

It's normal to miss her. She wasn't always this person. And you're remembering the person you thought she was. Your mind is processing everything and yet is still not yet in the place where you feel this is all real.

 

You need to go through the mourning of it all yet. That's okay to do too. Losing a relationship will bring about a mourning period. Let yourself cry, feel the feelings, process it all, and heal. But don't stay there forever. There is no set time on how long it will take to mourn or heal from all of this. But try not to think in terms of your life being bad like this, forever. I know it feels that way, but it doesn't have to be.

 

I know it's too early to consider anyone else right now, but I do hope that your future will be brighter and better.

 

Thank you Sherry, I understand what you are saying, I don’t want to feel like this forever, it just feels like it will, there is no light at the end of the tunnel just now.

It is also not helped by the massive hole in me that has been left by her, compounded by her totally & utterly ignoring me & to top it all off, me not seeing my baby boy, that really does cut me deep.

If I was a nasty person, then I would understand why things are the way they are, but I am not & I don’t understand why she is being like this, although the poster on here (Lost) explained it well when they said, imagine if it was me who betrayed a friend/brother/sister, would I want to face them? I get that, but she could at least have the decency to acknowledge me regarding our baby boy. I have been with him from the day he was born & then this?? That really really hurts me. I am missing the most important stages of his life right now, his development etc.

 

I feel like I am the bad one in all of this, I have lost everything that I held dear in my life, unexpectedly & yet she is just carrying on regardless, new guy, my son & not caring whatsoever about me or the 5 years we were together, I feel like a total loser, especially at my age, it’s hard to accept that. Yet I know that I have to.

 

We're here to listen, Hurt, so don't feel bad for loading it on. It is, after all, the only thing this site is for. Embrace it!

 

Whatever you feel right now—like, all of it, and there are going to be many waves over many months—is okay. Not only okay. Healthy. It's your humanity making sense of human hurt. So try to remind yourself of that from time to time, as I know I've had to do: that all these feelings are okay.

 

My last longterm relationship ended with infidelity. Very different situation: no kids, and though we were always pretty "good," had you asked me if we were "great" at any point in the relationship I wouldn't have said yes. Still, it took me a long time to let the anger move through me—have to feel it all, so you can eventually let it go—as my nature and temperament are just not built to find much comfort in anger. I missed her a lot, especially in the early days. Probably there was something of a coping mechanism in not being angry, a way of avoiding the full weight of what had happened, or to let that weight drop onto my shoulders slowly, to avoid shattering. You might be doing something similar, and that, again, is okay.

 

As Sherry said, the truth of every relationship is that you can never control its path because the other half is, in ways, always a mystery. A level of faith is involved, and infidelity is so hard to process because it's an affront to that faith. Still, as she said, there isn't anything you could have done, so do remember that from time to time. Whatever was going on, whatever she wasn't sharing with you about her feelings, she chose this path. It's not a choice everyone makes.

 

All this will take considerable time to feel and process, but there is an end to it. The flip side to how you feel right now—more torn up than you knew was possible, is that your spirit is stronger than you know, capable of weathering this with grace and fortitude. Doubly hard for you is that you can't just a lot this moment for feeling everything—that goes into one compartment, while getting things straightened out with your son, and that arrangement, goes into another. Eyes on that, first and foremost. That's going to work out too.

 

Thank you bluecastle, I don’t want to be how I am felling at the moment for months, yet that has been just a shade over 2 months since this happened & I still cannot shake it off, some days, like yesterday are really bad, I couldn’t even be happy yesterday, even though I try to be, my mind was going over & over everything & I just want it to stop, yet I can’t switch it off no matter what I do.

 

If I was getting contact with my baby boy, that would ease things a bit, however, being totally ignored by her is a horrible feeling & this hurts me.

 

I am going to focus on my boy, that I have to,

that I know, but it won’t make the hurt & pain & confusion of the breakup & the betrayal go away. I am feeling so down & sad that this has happened.

 

As said, 3 months ago, I was flying high, with everything to look forward to & now, kicked to the kerb like I was nothing, I am broken.

 

I have to call my GP on Tuesday also, I genuinely do believe that I am borderline/if not already depressed & the anxiety that I have since this happened is unreal, I am scared to go outside the house because there is a good chance that our paths will cross & because she has been totally ignoring me, that makes it feel even worse.

 

I feel silly saying this, but that is how I feel & it’s horrible.

I never once even thought about or looked at another woman in the entire time that we were together & this is what she did to me in the end, it seriously kills me.

 

I had hoped that she would have at least replied to my email yesterday or even a FaceTime call to let me see & talk to my boy, yet she didn’t even do that.

 

I am sorry for going on, it’s just my family & friends, as good & supportive as they are, just don’t understand exactly how I am feeling & in how much pain, as they have never been through this horrible thing before.

[Hurt Man]

I hope you have sent another request to speak with your son today. That should be happening every day so you can show that you were steady in your interest to be a father and she was steady in her choice to act like you don't exist.

 

I have not today, I am being ignored clearly now. I will try again tomorrow, as it’s Easter Sunday, but I am now not holding on to any hope of her responding.

I told her yesterday in the email that it should be 50/50 contact & co-parenting regarding him & that I thought & expected that we would still be amicable about our boy.

But, she is too engrossed in her new guy, he has practically moved into the house with her & I am not anywhere on her list of priorities any more, that’s quite obvious.

[bluecastle]

First off, I would make it a point to email her every day. No emotion, no dramatics, no shame, pure logistics: let her know that figuring out co-parenting arrangements is essential, that you'd like to arrange a FaceTime, etc. This is the business part, so approach it like that—as if it were a credit card company you had to get through to. You call and call until they pick up. If they don't? Well, you have proof that you've been calling incessantly.

 

As for the emotional swirl? You have listeners here, and an appointment with a professional listener on the horizon. Bravo on all that. Seeing that you need help, and asking for it, is about the single strongest thing a human being can do. Says a lot about your character, and the awesome father your son has in you. Those are all very real things that aren't going anywhere.

[SherrySher]

Yes, exactly as Blue said...you're not doing it for her to respond, per se...you're doing it so that when the time comes to prove how much you want your child in your life, you can show that you have been trying to contact without fail.

 

I also agree that you truly are a good man and if the right woman had met you, you wouldn't be going through this. I read hundreds of stories (literally hundreds) each year from women who have been cheated on and each one of them dream of meeting a man like you. You are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for or that you allow your ex to make you feel like.

 

Don't let her bring you to a level where you question your own worth. She was the one who created a terrible situation and is the one being selfish and hurting people.

 

But you need to focus more on your own healing and to get court orders put in place in order to see your son. That's what you need to keep your mind on.

 

Keep moving forward, even if it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute and second at a time. This too shall pass...I promise.

It really will. It will not stay like this forever.

[Hurt Man]

Thank you Blue & Sherry. I have sent another email asking if it is possible to FaceTime me today to see my boy. Again, this was a cordial message. I hope that she does, but on the same coin, I don’t hold out much hope either because of the way she has been towards me.

 

But, I will wait & see & update later on.

[Wiseman2]

Why can't you make a video message of yourself to your son and send it? Without mentioning her bf, your rights, your relationship etc. Simply title it "For [son's name]". The frequent reference to her bf could be construed as harassing her and with that shooting yourself in the foot.

 

No innuendos, no grandstanding, no backhanded references, no emotion.. Just send a prerecorded video addressed to and for him. Dragging your child in the middle of this is a huge mistake.

[Hurt Man]

Why can't you make a video message of yourself to your son and send it? Without mentioning her bf, your rights, your relationship etc. Simply title it "For [son's name]". The frequent reference to her bf could be construed as harassing her and with that shooting yourself in the foot.

 

No innuendos, no grandstanding, no backhanded references, no emotion.. Just send a prerecorded video addressed to and for him. Dragging your child in the middle of this is a huge mistake.

 

Hi Wiseman, I have not mentioned her new bf to her at all, I think I didn’t make that clear in my post on here yesterday, My fault there.

 

That was me saying that she is obviously too busy with her new bf (not to her, or part of the original email), I should have worded that better. Apologies.

 

I emailed her again this morning regarding our boy, Again, I kept it strictly about our boy only again & contact/seeing him on FaceTime, with no mention of her new guy whatsoever. I have never mentioned anything about him to her at all.

 

Well, about 2 hours ago, I got a FaceTime call from her, & I finally, finally got to see my boy, it was hard to keep on top of my emotions when I saw him, but I managed to do so.

He was all smiles & it melted me inside.

 

I spoke to him for 10 minutes or so, then asked her could we at least make this every 2 days, as seeing him & him knowing who I am & maintaining that is very important to me, & surprisingly, she actually spoke to me & she agreed & before the end of the call, she said that she would call me again in a couple of days.

 

I also asked her how he has been getting on, as the first 3 years of a baby’s development are critical & important.

She told me that he has been good & is obviously coming on & developing as he should be, but yes, that is a bit of weight off of my shoulders, it’s not ideal in that I cannot actually get him at the moment,due to this virus lockdown, but was good to see him again & it was good to see that he was happy to see me & does still remember me.

It was also good to be able to speak to her, even if it was just about our boy.

 

I will see what happens in the next couple of days & fingers crossed, she keeps her word.

 

I am still going to go see my GP & look up a Lawyer though, as she may just change again in the next couple of days. But so far, it’s a small step forward & hopefully upwards.

[Wiseman2]

Are you/they under quarantine? If so she is not depriving you of contact/virtual visitation. So what can the attorney do for you in your area? She seems reasonable, once you calm down about her new bf and focus on your son.

 

She doesn't need lectures on the importance of parenting. Try not to harass her it will work against you. Not much more an attorney can do except help you file court papers outlining specific contact modalities, times and intervals. However she already agreed, so?

asked her could we at least make this every 2 days, & she agreed & before the end of the call, she said that she would call me again in a couple of days. I am still going to go see my GP & look up a Lawyer though

[boltnrun]

She can withdraw the calls at any time. Anyone who has gone through a contentious separation or divorce can attest to this.

 

A visitation agreement, filed IN COURT, is the best way to go. Also a support agreement in case she does get hostile and tries to claim you aren't financially providing. Even those who swore it would never happen have had that happen, so it's best to have agreements filed in court.

 

It's in everyone's best interest; the child's, yours and hers.

[SherrySher]

I agree..PLEASE visit an attorney. DO NOT TRUST HER. Without court orders, she can walk anytime and leave you with no rights to your son whatsoever.

 

You need to get it in legal writing and court ordered that you have your parentals rights and it's no longer in her hands whether she allows you to see or talk to him. Make sure you take that power away from her and have the courts decide.

I know of parents who trusted their ex and ended up not seeing their child for years and years. So please heed the warning.

 

I really am so glad that you got to see him though!! It must have been so emotional and yet a huge step forward to finally being able to see and talk to him.

 

You sound like a smart man, I know you know this is no longer about her and this is about your son. In time, your heartache will heal, even if it takes longer than you'd like...IT WILL HEAL. One day you will wake up and it won't bother you anymore that she left. Yes, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true.

But the one thing that will never change, is that you are your son's dad and he is yours. He will always, always need you and love you.

Hold onto that.

 

I hope you are okay today. Thinking of you, as I know how tough this all can be.

[bluecastle]

Just chiming in to say I'm really happy you got to see your son. Hopefully it becomes a regular thing, without more whiplash, and starts paving the way for you two to establish an amicable and productive co-parenting relationship. Probably feels a bit like imagining yourself scaling Everest on a unicycle at the moment, but it's doable. It's a thing people do. I'm the product of that kind of family—a real family, in my mind, not a broken version—and am today, at the same age you are, the partner of someone with a pretty inspiring co-parenting arrangement.

 

Along with others, I think getting all that hammered out, legally, is key. It will be a process. That's what talking to a lawyer is for: not prepping for battle, but for peace. Doesn't need to be a vindictive war—and, ideally, it won't be. Time will determine that, and you do need to be prepared for anything. One need only to look at the present state of the world today to see what hoping for the best without preparing for the worst can look like.

 

So keep doing what you're doing now, making these talks regular, setting up visits if possible with your quarantine rules, and setting up that schedule together, not just on her terms. Once you've spoken to a lawyer, and learned more about the workings of that, you can talk to her about that: all business. Some couples can do all the filing without two lawyers involved, some can't. Some use a mediator. Options, options: figure out which works for you, and which will ensure that (a) she can't just ghost in the future and (b) if she does (just as if you go off the chain down the line) there is a system in place that exists only to keep your son secure, not blown around by the winds and whims of adult emotions.

 

And, of course, don't be shy in coming here, or anywhere else that offers a salve, when you need to blow of steam, get some clarity about the swirl of feelings, and all that.

[lostandhurt]

Hurtman,

 

Good to hear you got to talk to your boy for a bit.

 

It is very important that you stop viewing her as someone that loves and cares about your feelings and instead see her as she is now. She betrayed you and kept your son from you. Be cordial, be smart and get all your ducks in a row without her knowing.

 

That means do not ever let on that you are working with a lawyer. You don't owe her anything and if you ever feel like you want to clue her in just remember how she cheated on you behind your back for over 5 months while you were left in the dark.

 

It is time to be somewhat ruthless to protect your rights. Be fair but your rights and your son come first and she can figure her own stuff out all by herself. It takes time to stop the feelings you have for her and your natural instincts are still there to protect her and treat her in a caring loving way. You need to fight those urges. Those feelings do not turn off like a light switch for men like you so be mindful always when interacting with her.

 

Assume she has contacted a lawyer or at least received legal advice so be very careful what you say or write, this is very important as it could come back to haunt you later on. No promises, no threats, no harsh words (even if she baits you into them) and no desperate plea for anything. Be strong and confident even if you feel like rubbish.

 

While this plays out you need to take very good care of yourself. Stay active as possible, eat right, sleep when you can and find things to keep your mind active.

 

This comes down to one day at a time and not getting frustrated over things you do not have control over. Read my signature below over and over again, it helps.

 

Hang in there and play the long game in this. This is bigger than just getting to see your son right now, it is about you being able to be his father for the rest of your life.

 

Lost

[SherrySher]

Checking in on you, Hurt. Are you okay?

[Hurt Man]

Are you/they under quarantine? If so she is not depriving you of contact/virtual visitation. So what can the attorney do for you in your area? She seems reasonable, once you calm down about her new bf and focus on your son.

 

She doesn't need lectures on the importance of parenting. Try not to harass her it will work against you. Not much more an attorney can do except help you file court papers outlining specific contact modalities, times and intervals. However she already agreed, so?

 

At the moment, the whole country is under lockdown, the government advice is “not to mix with anyone from another household, only family” (people you stay with)

So, yes, everyone is under quarantine/isolating at the moment.

She had been totally ignoring me until Sunday, as in nothing at all since we broke up, so she has been withholding contact.

 

As for the couple of day’s since...I waited for her to call me today, as she said she would &....she didn’t.

 

Now, I will email her tomorrow to ask her to call me then, so that I can see & speak to my boy again. I waited today because she said that she would call me, so benefit of the doubt on my behalf.

 

I agree..PLEASE visit an attorney. DO NOT TRUST HER. Without court orders, she can walk anytime and leave you with no rights to your son whatsoever.

 

You need to get it in legal writing and court ordered that you have your parentals rights and it's no longer in her hands whether she allows you to see or talk to him. Make sure you take that power away from her and have the courts decide.

I know of parents who trusted their ex and ended up not seeing their child for years and years. So please heed the warning.

 

I really am so glad that you got to see him though!! It must have been so emotional and yet a huge step forward to finally being able to see and talk to him.

 

You sound like a smart man, I know you know this is no longer about her and this is about your son. In time, your heartache will heal, even if it takes longer than you'd like...IT WILL HEAL. One day you will wake up and it won't bother you anymore that she left. Yes, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true.

But the one thing that will never change, is that you are your son's dad and he is yours. He will always, always need you and love you.

Hold onto that.

 

I hope you are okay today. Thinking of you, as I know how tough this all can be.

 

Thank you Sherry, yes it was definitely emotional when I seen him, I was trying my best to stay on top of my emotions, as if I hadn’t, I would have cried, & it was hard to stop that emotion.

I also booked an appointment with my GP today, but it is not until the end of this week. I looked into lawyers today also, I will speak to a couple of them tomorrow & see what they say & move it forward.

 

Just chiming in to say I'm really happy you got to see your son. Hopefully it becomes a regular thing, without more whiplash, and starts paving the way for you two to establish an amicable and productive co-parenting relationship. Probably feels a bit like imagining yourself scaling Everest on a unicycle at the moment, but it's doable. It's a thing people do. I'm the product of that kind of family—a real family, in my mind, not a broken version—and am today, at the same age you are, the partner of someone with a pretty inspiring co-parenting arrangement.

 

Along with others, I think getting all that hammered out, legally, is key. It will be a process. That's what talking to a lawyer is for: not prepping for battle, but for peace. Doesn't need to be a vindictive war—and, ideally, it won't be. Time will determine that, and you do need to be prepared for anything. One need only to look at the present state of the world today to see what hoping for the best without preparing for the worst can look like.

 

So keep doing what you're doing now, making these talks regular, setting up visits if possible with your quarantine rules, and setting up that schedule together, not just on her terms. Once you've spoken to a lawyer, and learned more about the workings of that, you can talk to her about that: all business. Some couples can do all the filing without two lawyers involved, some can't. Some use a mediator. Options, options: figure out which works for you, and which will ensure that (a) she can't just ghost in the future and (b) if she does (just as if you go off the chain down the line) there is a system in place that exists only to keep your son secure, not blown around by the winds and whims of adult emotions.

 

And, of course, don't be shy in coming here, or anywhere else that offers a salve, when you need to blow of steam, get some clarity about the swirl of feelings, and all that.

 

I do want it to be regular calls, I told her that on Sunday, she said she would call me in a couple of days & today.....she didn’t.

So I will email her tomorrow & hopefully I will get to see/speak to him again tomorrow.

 

I don’t want a war of any kind with her, I genuinely did think that we would have been amicable for our little boy, yet as you know, it has been anything but since we broke up, which hurts me a lot as it was not an acrimonious break up.

 

Hurtman,

 

Good to hear you got to talk to your boy for a bit.

 

It is very important that you stop viewing her as someone that loves and cares about your feelings and instead see her as she is now. She betrayed you and kept your son from you. Be cordial, be smart and get all your ducks in a row without her knowing.

 

That means do not ever let on that you are working with a lawyer. You don't owe her anything and if you ever feel like you want to clue her in just remember how she cheated on you behind your back for over 5 months while you were left in the dark.

 

It is time to be somewhat ruthless to protect your rights. Be fair but your rights and your son come first and she can figure her own stuff out all by herself. It takes time to stop the feelings you have for her and your natural instincts are still there to protect her and treat her in a caring loving way. You need to fight those urges. Those feelings do not turn off like a light switch for men like you so be mindful always when interacting with her.

 

Assume she has contacted a lawyer or at least received legal advice so be very careful what you say or write, this is very important as it could come back to haunt you later on. No promises, no threats, no harsh words (even if she baits you into them) and no desperate plea for anything. Be strong and confident even if you feel like rubbish.

 

While this plays out you need to take very good care of yourself. Stay active as possible, eat right, sleep when you can and find things to keep your mind active.

 

This comes down to one day at a time and not getting frustrated over things you do not have control over. Read my signature below over and over again, it helps.

 

Hang in there and play the long game in this. This is bigger than just getting to see your son right now, it is about you being able to be his father for the rest of your life.

 

Lost

 

Thank you for the words & advice Lost I appreciate that.

As do I all the other words & advice & support.

 

I do need to get it through my head that she definitely does not love & care about me or my feelings anymore, that is painful to accept, as 5 years of a relationship is hard to just forget & switch off from, but she appears to have done it very easily & I have not.

 

As for not getting frustrated about things that I have no control over, my mum told me the same thing, she said “you cannot control anything that is out-with your control” & again, as much as it hurts to admit that, you are both correct.

As for my feelings for her, they most definitely do not just switch off like a light switch, that’s what I cannot understand, she appears to have done exactly that, yet I have not & I try to, especially after the way that she has treated me since we broke up, yet I do still love her a lot. It’s crazy & hurts.

 

Checking in on you, Hurt. Are you okay?

 

I am ok considering I guess Sherry, thank you for your concern.

Hopefully she will call me tomorrow when I email her, again, it will be strictly about our baby boy, nothing to cause trouble as that is the last thing that I want.

 

Again, to everyone, thank you all so much for all your advice, understanding, support & words, I have a lot to get my head around going forward, but I do have to accept it, I have tried my best to sort thing’s & she doesn’t want to fix things between us now.

 

So, I have got to be focused on my baby boy, that I will do, even if it’s tearing me up inside when I see/speak to her, brave face on.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yes, regular calls, videochats are important to your son and then regular visits when the lock down is lifted. Ask for regular scheduled calls and videochats. Ad hoc is confusing. Suggest setting them up at mutually convenient regular times/days. Do not do last minute or spontaneous. Be brief and focused in your communication to her.

 

For example: "I would like to set up regular calls and videochats with [son] at a mutually convenient time". Do not mention that she didn't call etc. Try to make your communication a written log of your dedication in contacting/visiting your son, so you have proof when you contact an attorney of your focused efforts. If your communication is too frequent or focused on her her bf etc it will work against you. Never make it about her, her promises, her bf etc. Ever.

I do want it to be regular calls, I told her that on Sunday, she said she would call me in a couple of days & today.....she didn’t.

I will email her tomorrow & hopefully I will get to see/speak to him again tomorrow.

[Hurt Man]

Sorry to hear this. Yes, regular calls, videochats are important to your son and then regular visits when the lock down is lifted. Ask for regular scheduled calls and videochats. Ad hoc is confusing. Suggest setting them up at mutually convenient regular times/days. Do not do last minute or spontaneous. Be brief and focused in your communication to her.

 

For example: "I would like to set up regular calls and videochats with [son] at a mutually convenient time". Do not mention that she didn't call etc. Try to make your communication a written log of your dedication in contacting/visiting your son, so you have proof when you contact an attorney of your focused efforts. If your communication is too frequent or focused on her her bf etc it will work against you. Never make it about her, her promises, her bf etc. Ever.

 

Thank you Wiseman, that is exactly what I will say in the email tomorrow, tell her that I would like to make it at regular days & times that are convenient for her also.

 

I also have not & will not mention her new guy, as that could cause trouble & I am aware of that & don’t want to do so.

 

I am still deeply deeply hurting from this all, this morning I woke up @ 5:45am & could not get back to sleep at all,

I think it’s possibly caused by the stress and anxiety of the last couple of months, as it’s been crazy the last 4-5 weeks, waking up at irregular times in the early hours of the morning, delayed shock perhaps, I don’t know but I will tell the doctor when I speak/see them at the end of this week.

 

I just wish that there was a way to immediately take away the pain & all the thoughts running around in my head. She seems to have moved on, no worries at all, doesn’t care about me & yet I am like this??

It’s driving me crazy, but in a horrible way.

 

Thank you all for listening to me & the advice. I will update when I have news tomorrow (if she gets back to me)

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. This virus thing is knocking the wind out of most of us. Add to that the recent heartache, move, adjustments, etc and naturally it will be very stressful. Go easy on yourself.

I will tell the doctor when I speak/see them at the end of this week.

[lostandhurt]

Hurt,

 

There is no need to force yourself to stop caring about her. It will happen in time but you do need to be mindful of how those feelings may affect very important choices you have to make. You are human not a robot so give yourself a break.

 

I know you sit and wonder how she could do this so easily just like I did once upon a time. I have learned that cheaters don't live in the same world we do. They live in a world where only their wants are paramount and the extreme selfishness they embody or embodies them controls everything. She chose the worst possible way to handle all of this and now it appears she is so aloof and uncaring towards you and does it so easily. I actually saw a smirk on my wife's face when I finally got her to admit to her cheating. It is like they are a totally different person from who you THOUGHT you knew, and in a way they are. I can tell you that it is not so easy for them and they do second guess their choices, sit and worry what others will think of them, worry how their own children will view them and on and on. To combat this they often simply ignore the problem they created and focus on the high of their new lover. Many times their new lover is the one that helped convince them it will all work out so they become codependent in a way.

 

Does this mean she will snap out of it? No it doesn't. it simply means she will do anything to keep from facing the truths of what she has done. That means avoiding it at all costs, rewriting history, becoming angry when confronted with truths they cannot ignore and lashing out when their fantasy life is threatened.

 

She figured she would replace you with this new guy (a guy that by the way has no problem sleeping with a woman in a committed relationship) and live happily ever after. Right now reality is being kept at bay by the fantasy but soon enough reality will come calling and her life will not be a fantasy any longer. Trust me on this as I have seen it personally and on here over and over again. The guy my ex cheated on me with was a total loser but she could not see it. One day the shine wore off enough for her to see her soul mate (her words) was a pile of crap. Then the fights started and she took her anger out on me since she couldn't admit she chose a loser so it had to be my fault. Be prepared so you can see these things coming and know how you will NOT REACT to them.

 

So right now you actually have the advantage. Yes I know you are thinking I am crazy for saying that but think about it. Your main focus is your son and getting to be with him as much as humanly possible. Her focus is on her new man and the fantasy. Also even though you are hurting your mind is actually clearer than hers because you are living in reality and she is not. The time to act is now so do not wait for things to get better, make them better through action. This will also give you some feeling of control over your own destiny once again.

 

Playing the long game is what worked best for me and it will work for you as well. This is a chess game and the first moves can be crucial to the overall outcome. I think you will do the right thing but it cannot happen from making gut choices or reacting to her, it has to come from a well thought out plan with choices already decided. What is your ultimate goal? What are you willing to give up to get what you want? What are you willing to act like you really want so you can give that up later to get what you really want? These things need to be thought out and written down so you can revisit these ideas and plans. Plus it gives you something to do.

 

So first things first. Where is your boy going to sleep when he stays with you? Notice I said "stays with you" and not visits? Your home is his home no matter where that may be but he needs his own room if possible. The court may ask you this so start planning and setting it up. You want his time with you to be a family setting, not a sleep over. Leverage the time you have now to make plans and do what you can so you are ready. It doesn't have to be perfect but it has to be something.

 

Keep posting and remember plenty of others have been where you are now and are even better than before once they got on a good path.

 

Lost

[SherrySher]

Still checking in. Hope you're doing okay, Hurt.

 

If no one has told you lately, you're not alone and although it's very hard right now, you are doing well even if it's feels like you're not.

[Hurt Man]

I thought I would update on things.

 

My ex has not replied to my email I sent 2 days ago regarding contact/FaceTime with my son. Just completely ignored again. This has set me back again, I am very very upset & hurt that she is doing this, it’s like I don’t exist to her anymore.

I have spoken with a good lawyer & he is going to write to her regarding our baby boy & contact & take things from there.

I also had the doctors & have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety.

I have been recommended for therapy & if that doesn’t help, medication instead.

 

I don’t know if there is anyway out of how I am feeling now, the glimmer of light at the tunnel I had is now well & truly gone. I feel so low, my family have tried to pick me up, but I cannot snap out of it.

 

This is the most hurtful, horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I am not a bad person & certainly would not have treated her the way she has treated me.

 

Sorry that it’s not a happy update, I did have some hope that it would be, but, that has been completely crushed now.