Ex is ready to date

[Rb1980]

She began withdrawing because of stress and general discord, that is not "out of the blue". It's important in any relationship to be present and aware. The police would not have shown up at your place if it wasn't warranted.

 

They didn't show up. She called them and they called me to tell me that I had been engaging in "unwanted communication with her"

I disputed it as in the week leading up to when they called I hadn't spoke to her until she contacted me

[jimthzz]

You seem to want validation from a disturbed person that you have done nothing to deserve her behavior.

 

One, you will never get that. Two, that is not the foundation of a romance, a life together with someone.

 

As much as you feel connected to her, you are not. I am sorry, you have to move on and protect yourself from her.

[Rb1980]

You seem to want validation from a disturbed person that you have done nothing to deserve her behavior.

 

One, you will never get that. Two, that is not the foundation of a romance, a life together with someone.

 

As much as you feel connected to her, you are not. I am sorry, you have to move on and protect yourself from her.

 

Thanks. Yeah I know I need to move on. Totally agree. Just finding it hard as with her mental health issues and physical conditions, I was always so supportive and she always so appreciative. We genuinely clicked. All the way up until these two life events took place. As soon as they happened it seemed to change and what was once taken on as support was interpreted as smothering and pressure.

I'd love to be able to post some of the messages I received to give a more balanced view so you could see a little more of what I mean about it all

[jimthzz]

You seem to want validation from a disturbed person that you have done nothing to deserve her behavior.

 

One, you will never get that. Two, that is not the foundation of a romance, a life together with someone.

 

As much as you feel connected to her, you are not. I am sorry, you have to move on and protect yourself from her.

 

Thanks. Yeah I know I need to move on. Totally agree. Just finding it hard as with her mental health issues and physical conditions, I was always so supportive and she always so appreciative. We genuinely clicked. All the way up until these two life events took place. As soon as they happened it seemed to change and what was once taken on as support was interpreted as smothering and pressure.

I'd love to be able to post some of the messages I received to give a more balanced view so you could see a little more of what I mean about it all

 

No, really, there is no need to expand on it.

 

Better to just move on. Journal your thoughts.

[DancingFool]

Thanks. Yeah I know I need to move on. Totally agree. Just finding it hard as with her mental health issues and physical conditions, I was always so supportive and she always so appreciative. We genuinely clicked. All the way up until these two life events took place. As soon as they happened it seemed to change and what was once taken on as support was interpreted as smothering and pressure.

I'd love to be able to post some of the messages I received to give a more balanced view so you could see a little more of what I mean about it all

 

Can you just accept the idea that people can simply change their mind?

 

The other part that you can't seem to grasp is that this is what lack of mental health looks like - one day you are the best thing that ever happened and the next day you are trash. Flip. Just like that.

 

Talking about all the plans you had....honestly....plans are just fantasies until you and your SO put in the dirty hard work to make it a reality. Talking about that stuff can be intoxicating, exciting, I get that. However, at some point you have to realize that it's just talk and only the future will tell whether it ever turns to reality or not. Don't get lost in fantasy land of could'a should'a would'a. It's not good for you and your own mental health. Always take that kind of talk with a grain of salt.

[Rb1980]

Can you just accept the idea that people can simply change their mind?

 

The other part that you can't seem to grasp is that this is what lack of mental health looks like - one day you are the best thing that ever happened and the next day you are trash. Flip. Just like that.

 

Talking about all the plans you had....honestly....plans are just fantasies until you and your SO put in the dirty hard work to make it a reality. Talking about that stuff can be intoxicating, exciting, I get that. However, at some point you have to realize that it's just talk and only the future will tell whether it ever turns to reality or not. Don't get lost in fantasy land of could'a should'a would'a. It's not good for you and your own mental health. Always take that kind of talk with a grain of salt.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate your input as it definitely helps.

I think that in text it is hard to truly explain it all quite how it was. At the start of the relationship she literally wouldn't stop asking if I wanted kids with her etc. I found that very intense and simply mentioned how I hadn't even given it a thought.

Over time I warmed to the idea and could see it being what I wanted too. I told her this and obviously we are where we are now!

 

With the mental health flipping from one thing to another. I totally get that. I witnessed first hand her anxiety attacks, her extreme ocd and her negative thoughts and I saw the happy, loving, caring person too.

The person I fell in love with went through all this consistently and I was happy to be by her side to help when she wanted it and leave her alone when she needed time for herself. It was this support and approach that both her and her family loved as previous partners hadn't been so understanding (from what her parents told me)

I'm sorry I appear stuck in this rut but with how close we were I can't quite understand why it all happened. There seemed to be no reason other than when she said "I feel no spark" which only appears after the passing of the nan and the job loss.

[DancingFool]

Thanks, I really appreciate your input as it definitely helps.

I think that in text it is hard to truly explain it all quite how it was. At the start of the relationship she literally wouldn't stop asking if I wanted kids with her etc. I found that very intense and simply mentioned how I hadn't even given it a thought.

Over time I warmed to the idea and could see it being what I wanted too. I told her this and obviously we are where we are now!

 

With the mental health flipping from one thing to another. I totally get that. I witnessed first hand her anxiety attacks, her extreme ocd and her negative thoughts and I saw the happy, loving, caring person too.

The person I fell in love with went through all this consistently and I was happy to be by her side to help when she wanted it and leave her alone when she needed time for herself. It was this support and approach that both her and her family loved as previous partners hadn't been so understanding (from what her parents told me)

I'm sorry I appear stuck in this rut but with how close we were I can't quite understand why it all happened. There seemed to be no reason other than when she said "I feel no spark" which only appears after the passing of the nan and the job loss.

 

Sane people don't do what's in bold. That was a huge red flag that I really hope you heed going forward.

 

As for the rest, to be brutally blunt - this was never a balanced relationship but that lack of balance stroked your ego. It put you in this white knight role - saving the damsel in distress, being understanding like nobody else (total bs, btw) but you bought it wholesale because you wanted to. It made you feel important and special and that was intoxicating and getting over that.....is like kicking an addiction. It's going to be hard and what you are going through is pretty much withdrawal. This is also what you need to examine within yourself - people who are in a healthy place emotionally, don't see that kind of an unbalanced set up, intensity, etc. as good things, but rather see if for what it is - not healthy, not good, something to keep away from. You are like a moth to a flame - the hotter it burns the better, but as you are learning, you'll just get burned to a crisp. Sort out what attracts you to this.

[Rb1980]

Sane people don't do what's in bold. That was a huge red flag that I really hope you heed going forward.

 

As for the rest, to be brutally blunt - this was never a balanced relationship but that lack of balance stroked your ego. It put you in this white knight role - saving the damsel in distress, being understanding like nobody else (total bs, btw) but you bought it wholesale because you wanted to. It made you feel important and special and that was intoxicating and getting over that.....is like kicking an addiction. It's going to be hard and what you are going through is pretty much withdrawal. This is also what you need to examine within yourself - people who are in a healthy place emotionally, don't see that kind of an unbalanced set up, intensity, etc. as good things, but rather see if for what it is - not healthy, not good, something to keep away from. You are like a moth to a flame - the hotter it burns the better, but as you are learning, you'll just get burned to a crisp. Sort out what attracts you to this.

 

Oh I think it was fairly balanced. Most of the time we were just the same as any other couple. She didn't always have these "episodes" and for the most part we were getting on fine and had a very loving, mutual relationship. As I say it only seemed to appear difficult and where I started to develop the white Knight role when the two life events took place.

[No1]

I see a guy who is trying to find a reason rather than acceptance. Justify her behavior, her reason to break up with you, the reason why she wants to date others and you are looking so hard for something that says to you .. ahhh haaa.. this is why.

The problem is, when you do that, you are distracting yourself from healing and you can not see the truth that altho not the answer you want, it she best answer and Ill tell you what you must accept. She no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you and it didn't work out.

That's it. Very simple. There is no fault, no blame, no trying to put 2 and 2 together. It did not work out. Reading back thru your posts it seemed clear to me that it was rocky at best. Sure you had great times and bad but I didn't see anything anywhere you wrote that this was a great relationship. Kinda seemed one sided to me. You felt like you could help her out, be the savior that she needed but the one she never asked for.

In truth, she wasn't the one for you. She is not now and wont be tomorrow or next year. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on. And another truth.. even tho you say the break up happened 5 weeks ago and you wonder how she can date so soon. In her head maybe she was never really in it. Maybe she began separating from you weeks or months before the break up actually happened.

So please, just accept that its over. She is not yours, probably never was and never will be. This truth hurts but you will never kiss her or hug her again. You have to hear that so that you understand that it is over. She is on dating sites and is looking to date. Nothing is saying you cant date too.

[Rb1980]

I see a guy who is trying to find a reason rather than acceptance. Justify her behavior, her reason to break up with you, the reason why she wants to date others and you are looking so hard for something that says to you .. ahhh haaa.. this is why.

The problem is, when you do that, you are distracting yourself from healing and you can not see the truth that altho not the answer you want, it she best answer and Ill tell you what you must accept. She no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you and it didn't work out.

That's it. Very simple. There is no fault, no blame, no trying to put 2 and 2 together. It did not work out. Reading back thru your posts it seemed clear to me that it was rocky at best. Sure you had great times and bad but I didn't see anything anywhere you wrote that this was a great relationship. Kinda seemed one sided to me. You felt like you could help her out, be the savior that she needed but the one she never asked for.

In truth, she wasn't the one for you. She is not now and wont be tomorrow or next year. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on. And another truth.. even tho you say the break up happened 5 weeks ago and you wonder how she can date so soon. In her head maybe she was never really in it. Maybe she began separating from you weeks or months before the break up actually happened.

So please, just accept that its over. She is not yours, probably never was and never will be. This truth hurts but you will never kiss her or hug her again. You have to hear that so that you understand that it is over. She is on dating sites and is looking to date. Nothing is saying you cant date too.

 

I think you are totally right. I have been looking for a reason, which I know is wrong, it simply stemmed from, in my eyes, this relationship was going really well. The 2 major life events did change things but even a couple of weeks before we split we shelled out £400 on a little break, booked ourselves tickets to a show and started bookmarking a whole load of trips for the rest of the year so when it came along that it was definitely over it hit me like a train.

Yeah, maybe I was a little smothering and maybe that was an insecurity on my part, and of course her issues with mental health made her temperamental so at times we clashed but on the whole everything ran smooth, everything was positive and everything seemed OK.

The moment her nan passed and she lost her job, it did become more tense, and maybe we never fully recovered as a couple with how that changed us but she put a lot of effort in through December and January to make it better and it worked. Everything seemed just like before. Then in Feb it all changed again and we are where we are today

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up.

[Rb1980]

I don't want to beat myself up, just can't seem to stop.

I think if I saw her on one of these sites, say 2 or 3 months after the split I would understand, as its only been 1 month and she has signalled her intent as looking for a relationship it just makes me feel quite worthless and that our relationship wasn't special to her at all

[boltnrun]

I don't want to beat myself up, just can't seem to stop.

I think if I saw her on one of these sites, say 2 or 3 months after the split I would understand, as its only been 1 month and she has signalled her intent as looking for a relationship it just makes me feel quite worthless and that our relationship wasn't special to her at all

 

Nope, it means she isn't the right woman for you.

[bluecastle]

For whatever it's worth:

 

In my 40 year history as an adult on planet earth I've dealt with breakups every which way you can imagine. I've gone through periods of celibacy and self-reflection, talking things out with therapists and reading Buddhist texts. I've drank more than usual. I've gotten naked with someone I hardly know 24 hours post-breakup. I've gotten very fit and into eating kale. And, yes, I've created a profile on a dating app and gotten into a new relationship pretty quickly—sometimes when I've been legitimately ready, sometimes when I'm trying to convince myself I'm ready.

 

In all of the above? Well, none of those responses were a verdict on the "specialness" of the relationship that ended, or the person who had broken up with me or who I'd broken up with. Nope. They were all just me, being me, processing the end of something genuinely special in whatever form I thought made sense at that time. Guess what I'm trying to say is: this is just who she is, right now. The urge to make it all about you—yeah, it's understandable. But also? It's false, a misguided coping mechanism, a way of hanging on when peace will come from letting go.

 

Whether she is on a dating app today, or in 6 months, doesn't change the story one degree: the story, as bolt said, that she is not the woman for you. That's a sad story, yes, but it's a sadness you have it in you to handle, to feel your way through. When you do? The story becomes less sad—a chapter, not the book—because it means you can start opening up to the unknown, and to connections that are much, much better than this one ever was.

[Rb1980]

For whatever it's worth:

In my 40 year history as an adult on planet earth I've dealt with breakups every which way you can imagine. I've gone through periods of celibacy and self-reflection, talking things out with therapists and reading Buddhist texts. I've drank more than usual. I've gotten naked with someone I hardly know 24 hours post-breakup. I've gotten very fit and into eating kale. And, yes, I've created a profile on a dating app and gotten into a new relationship pretty quickly—sometimes when I've been legitimately ready, sometimes when I'm trying to convince myself I'm ready.

 

In all of the above? Well, none of those responses were a verdict on the "specialness" of the relationship that ended, or the person who had broken up with me or who I'd broken up with. Nope. They were all just me, being me, processing the end of something genuinely special in whatever form I thought made sense at that time. Guess what I'm trying to say is: this is just who she is, right now. The urge to make it all about you—yeah, it's understandable. But also? It's false, a misguided coping mechanism, a way of hanging on when peace will come from letting go.

 

Whether she is on a dating app today, or in 6 months, doesn't change the story one degree: the story, as bolt said, that she is not the woman for you. That's a sad story, yes, but it's a sadness you have it in you to handle, to feel your way through. When you do? The story becomes less sad—a chapter, not the book—because it means you can start opening up to the unknown, and to connections that are much, much better than this one ever was.

 

Thank you for your reply.

I just feel the conversations both her and I had during our time together showed we were on the same page. She regularly said how she regretted her past actions as they actually hurt her more.

Now seeing her on that site makes me feel she's going down that path again and that I am simply now forgotten by her.

The way it sort of came from a slow build up of her doubting us to actually ending it, I think is what caused more hurt for me. If when she first said she was unhappy she just ended it, I may have been more accepting but as we carried on through Dec, Jan and Feb it had probably prolonged/delayed emotions.

The seeing her on the site also hit me as it dawned on me that she took the time to create a profile, tell people she was looking for a relationship and actually want to do it so soon after we split.

[bluecastle]

Was the first woman you've ever had any romantic involvement with in your life? If the answer is no, do you remember the others? Their names, faces, the good and the bad the in between?

 

Can only speak for myself, but I have never forgotten anyone I've been involved with. The mark is there, forever, and I'm grateful for it. Assume the same is true for them, in their own way, whatever that way is. Stopped being my business when we stopped being a thing.

 

Guess I'm just saying—and I don't mean this to sound harsh—that dwelling on maudlin ideas like being "forgotten" is a bit over the top. Understandable and human—and hugs on all that—but maybe challenge yourself to zoom out a bit further. To see her being on a dating app, and your reaction to it, as more indicative that this loss may be something of gain.

 

Look at yourself, look at the relationship. Make note of what worked, and what didn't, what lacked throughout, what bad or weird habits may have been part of the glue as much as the dewy stuff of connection. Examine those, and let them go. Think of what you want in the future that you didn't get here, and then think about how to prepare yourself for that.

[Rb1980]

Was the first woman you've ever had any romantic involvement with in your life? If the answer is no, do you remember the others? Their names, faces, the good and the bad the in between?

 

Can only speak for myself, but I have never forgotten anyone I've been involved with. The mark is there, forever, and I'm grateful for it. Assume the same is true for them, in their own way, whatever that way is. Stopped being my business when we stopped being a thing.

 

Guess I'm just saying—and I don't mean this to sound harsh—that dwelling on maudlin ideas like being "forgotten" is a bit over the top. Understandable and human—and hugs on all that—but maybe challenge yourself to zoom out a bit further. To see her being on a dating app, and your reaction to it, as more indicative that this loss may be something of gain.

 

Look at yourself, look at the relationship. Make note of what worked, and what didn't, what lacked throughout, what bad or weird habits may have been part of the glue as much as the dewy stuff of connection. Examine those, and let them go. Think of what you want in the future that you didn't get here, and then think about how to prepare yourself for that.

 

Thanks for this.

No it wasn't my first. Apologies, the word forgotten may have been a little dramatic. I guess I mean that just recently I was the only man in her life, we were having a great time, planning a future etc then to have it all taken away and see her ready to move on makes it all feel worthless and me feel rubbish about myself.

I know I'm over analysing and I know I need to get over this hump but from how me and her use to chat about her past, our future etc, to see her, after just 5 weeks start engaging with other guys hurts. One perspective I have been given is thst with lockdown, she can't actually meet anyone so is trying to lay the foundations for when things return to normal. Along with this as she lives alone, this current time can be quite lonely so she is just wanting to chat with people and see what comes from it