Desperate for advice PLEASE READ

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Maxy,

 

Firstly, welcome to the forums. To be honest, i can understand why so many have latched onto 'trust issues' from your original post. The way you frame your concerns certainly present that way. However, I think you've probably heard enough of the consensus chorus on that particular front by now, so i wanted to try looking at your issue from another angle: relationship boundaries.

 

Essentially, your issue is that, for you, this particular location, and the associated image and activities it represents, is not somewhere someone in a relationship should want to go. An analogy might be the all too common post found throughout the annuals of these forums, "my boyfriend went to a crazy bachelor party with strippers"　or similar. Really, it comes down to a personal view of what is appropriate behaviour in a committed relationship. For you, this is somewhere someone who is commited to building a future with you shouldn't want to go. And honestly, that's a perfectly legitimate position.

 

The problem is, your current girlfriend apparently doesnt share that boundary. Her view seems to be that at this stage of commitment there is no issue with wanting to indulge in partying with the girls. So you are left to decide, is this a hard boundary, or not? If it is, then really your only recourse is to bow out. Not because you are wrong, and not because you don't trust her, but because your view of what is ok in the relationship is incompatible.

 

I would encourage you to reflect on this boundary before you decide how important it is to you, of course. Most glaringly, consider any double standard, for example would you decline an invitation to a friends bachelor party where strippers might be present on the basis that its not something commited men should attend? Furthermore, keep in mind that many peoples boundaries shift over time and with milestones; maybe whats okay now is not okay when you are engaged for example. Of course, cheating is a hard boundary obviously, but if you do indeed trust her implicitly thats not the issue. If this is an issue of principle, rather than trust, you should ensure it sits on solid ground to avoid jitters later if you end it over this.

 

Just a different perspective, i hope it helps and I wish you luck.

 

T

[DancingFool]

Ok so a lot of responses throughout the night.

 

The general feel of what I’m getting from everyone is firstly the fact that I don’t trust her. I know this may be really hard to understand/ for me to explain but be open minded if possible.

 

I do trust her that she isn’t going to go and cheat on me.

 

I think what would be a good way to describe this is that it wouldn’t matter who my GF was, how old she was, what type of person she was... I would still feel the same.

Does that mean it’s my own insecurities?

(I’m honestly not insecure about myself)

 

She goes out with her friends every know and again for drinks, to the cinema, (both male and female) I know them and we also do things together as a group. I’m happy for her and comfortable with that.

 

For ME in my head it’s the location and surroundings that she’s going to be in that seem to be the problem.

 

If you go onto YouTube and search, nightlife...

Ayinapa, zante, magaluf, etc etc

Your will see we’re I’m coming from. (I hope)

There will be all kinds of people reading this from different age brackets.

Some of you may be older and not experienced these types of places before (ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT TO YOU GUYS)

 

I see it in my mum a lot - for example - the other day I showed her a video of what I’m explaining and she was in disbelief (like she just didn’t realise what goes on) when I originally told her my GF was going away her reaction was “that will be nice for her” - then showed her were and she instantly changed and became uncomfortable

 

No matter how you spin this, it does come down to you do not trust her and you are very insecure about your relationship with her.

 

Your trust is limited to where you feel in control - you know her friends, she can go out locally, etc. That's YOUR comfort zone, but that's not trust OP. Her wanting to go on that trip puts her directly out of your comfort and control zone - far away in a place where you don't know what might happen. Please stop saying that you know she won't cheat on you because all this angst is driven by the fact that you are totally insecure about what might happen when you aren't around.

 

To make matters worse, you are feeding this anxiety by looking up the videos and so on (for the love of, keep your mother out of this) so you can whip up more drama in your own mind about what goes on as if that has any relevance to what your gf does or doesn't do.

 

You really have two choices here - knock it off with the videos and feeding your paranoid ideas or break up.

 

Let me ask you something else - if you really do trust your gf as you claim, then are you projecting? Are you afraid of what YOU do if you were there? Are you a cheater or would you cheat on your gf if you went on that kind of trip? What is really going on with you and driving this kind of thinking?

[Wiseman2]

You can't stop her from going. It's a dilemma in that if you try to do that, she'll dump you and if she goes you'll dump her. So if she gets drunk and hooks up with someone you'll never know. She may not "remember" or just not tell you.So...then what?

 

It seems you are not compatible. Why not go on break when she goes on her trip? This way you are both free to get as drunk as you wish and have as much sex with others as you wish. You don't have to sit home fuming and fretting .

[Skeptic76]

Essentially, your issue is that, for you, this particular location, and the associated image and activities it represents, is not somewhere someone in a relationship should want to go. An analogy might be the all too common post found throughout the annuals of these forums, "my boyfriend went to a crazy bachelor party with strippers"　or similar. Really, it comes down to a personal view of what is appropriate behaviour in a committed relationship. For you, this is somewhere someone who is commited to building a future with you shouldn't want to go. And honestly, that's a perfectly legitimate position.

 

The problem is, your current girlfriend apparently doesnt share that boundary. Her view seems to be that at this stage of commitment there is no issue with wanting to indulge in partying with the girls. So you are left to decide, is this a hard boundary, or not? If it is, then really your only recourse is to bow out. Not because you are wrong, and not because you don't trust her, but because your view of what is ok in the relationship is incompatible.

T

 

This is so insightful.

[Maxy]

Lots of advice and opinions above

(Way to much to respond to everyone individually) but thank you all.

 

So what I’m getting the general feel / majority of opinion from you all is as follows.

 

- I’m insecure in myself

- I don’t trust her

- I can’t control this

 

Just a few pointers on the overwhelming points you have all made.

It’s very difficult to explain how I feel on here and reading you mr response can sometimes be hard. As it feels like most people see it differently than I do.

I’m really trying. I don’t want to be this way.

 

I think me looking at the videos is a psychological way to prove to myself that “I’m right” (daft I know cos I’ve already been there)

 

I would never “stop” her from going.

You can’t/shouldn’t do that to someone else.

 

If there was a bachelor party with strippers, and I’d told her about it prior and she said she was really uncomfortable I can honestly say 100% I’d give it a miss.

 

“What would I like to see happen here”

 

I just came for a few other opinions and a bit of help advice as I don’t want to cause the drama with her

 

And as for my mother, it was a bit of a brief conversation (I never go into our private life with her)

[Maxy]

Let me ask you something else - if you really do trust your gf as you claim, then are you projecting? Are you afraid of what YOU do if you were there? Are you a cheater or would you cheat on your gf if you went on that kind of trip? What is really going on with you and driving this kind of thinking?

 

Honestly- no, not in a million years would I cheat on her, I’m not a cheater.

What’s going on i think is that pretty much everyone I’ve known boy/girl whoever has cheated or been cheated on, my anxiety doesn’t help, I think the main issue is the not knowing and constant wondering

Just trying to be honest

[MissCanuck]

“What would I like to see happen here”

 

I just came for a few other opinions and a bit of help advice as I don’t want to cause the drama with her

 

I think you misunderstood my question. I didn't mean here on this thread.

 

I meant, what would you like your girlfriend to do? Cancel her trip? Or?

[dion333]

To be fair ,it's understandable that you're a bit jealous, but you have been to these awful places yourself and prob slept with girls/guys or whatever..., so, it's not fair to now impose these jelouse restrictions on her. If she does meet a guy out there and it is very possible, as lots of good looking guys who visit these places, then at least you will know that it wasn't meant to be. You can't control her, she had her own free will and it just makes you look like you have issues.

[Maxy]

I think you misunderstood my question. I didn't mean here on this thread.

 

I meant, what would you like your girlfriend to do? Cancel her trip? Or?

 

I would like to not be the way I am.

I would like to be happy for her to go

[Maxy]

To be fair ,it's understandable that you're a bit jealous, but you have been to these awful places yourself and prob slept with girls/guys or whatever..., so, it's not fair to now impose these jelouse restrictions on her. If she does meet a guy out there and it is very possible, as lots of good looking guys who visit these places, then at least you will know that it wasn't meant to be. You can't control her, she had her own free will and it just makes you look like you have issues.

 

I do have issues :( clearly.

I’m quite ok with admitting it, I understand I can’t control her, I wouldn’t and haven’t done that.

Even if I “tried” which I wouldn’t it would only have negative consequences.

 

I strongly stick by that it’s the not knowing.

 

Say for example (and this is going to sound psycho) but JUST as an EXAMPLE

If I could see what was going on... I’d feel so much calmer about it.

It’s the not knowing and never knowing

[boltnrun]

So you do not trust her, or you wouldn't trust anyone you were dating who was traveling to that particular locale?

[Maxy]

So you do not trust her, or you wouldn't trust anyone you were dating who was traveling to that particular locale?

 

Do I think she is actively going to go looking to cheat?

No definitely not

 

Do I think she’s going to get so drunk that she’s vunerable, won’t have much control, not walk away from potential situations and be in a position that if I was stood there watching would upset me

Yes

 

Would I think this of any girl / boy going

90% of them

 

Again I probs sound crazy but it’s how I feel

[bluecastle]

Say for example (and this is going to sound psycho) but JUST as an EXAMPLE

If I could see what was going on... I’d feel so much calmer about it.

 

I'm not getting the impression that this is just an example. It seems, all in all, that the sense of security you feel inside this relationship is less connected to trusting and respecting her than it is to being able to have eyes on her.

 

Let's say, for instance, that she goes out drinking with the gals on a Friday night. Are you exactly as calm as you'd be if you were there? Or are you a little bit edgy, wondering if she's getting flirty with some dude, making a new Facebook "friend," all that?

 

If it's a little edgy? Well, in that case, this trip is just exposing a very real fault line in your dynamic—something that's easy enough to ignore, when you only have to sit on pins and needles for a few hours, but that can't be ignored when facing the prospect of a few days.

[Lightiron]

Don’t be with someone you can’t trust... but I think YOU'RE the one with trust issues

[Something87]

so after reading the original post and all of the replies I have to agree. You don’t trust her. Trust isn’t being ok with her only drinking around you and people you know. Trust is knowing that no matter what the situation is, no matter if you’re with her or not, that she would never do anything to damage you’re relationship.

 

You did the right thing by not forcing her to cancel but it’s also not you’re decision. It’s hers. No matter what age women like to have girl nights and girl trips. My friends and I take girl trips once a yr, we’re all married and nothing has ever happened. We just get drunk and have fun together and let the stress of our every day lives go away for a bit. It’s healthy.

 

If something like this, FIFTEEN MONTHS FROM NOW, is stressing you out this much you really might want to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship. This doesn’t sound healthy to me.

[MissCanuck]

Honestly, OP, a lot can happen between now and June 2021.

 

You two might not even be together by then anymore, for all you know. Fretting to this level now strongly suggests you don't have a handle on your insecurity or anxiety, and perhaps there are already problems in the relationship you tried to overlook until now. You say she gets drunk and friendly and flirty on home turf too, right? Has that previously caused issues between you and her?