Batya33 Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 This is so key. I would also add that it’s okay in modern Western culture for women to ask for/suggest a date, too! I don't think suggesting a first meet to a stranger from a dating site is asking someone out on a date so "modern" has nothing to do with it. I suggested first meets several times -who wants to waste time typing and talking to a stranger -and I almost always let the man ask me out on a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skeptic76 Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 I don't think suggesting a first meet to a stranger from a dating site is asking someone out on a date so "modern" has nothing to do with it. I suggested first meets several times -who wants to waste time typing and talking to a stranger -and I almost always let the man ask me out on a date. Totally agree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 I did use to think that it is odd to be either not married and never had a long term relationship at 41. The initial red flag was when he said "My ex used to get jealous when I talk about pretty girls, then I found out that she was cheating on me so she was thinking I was doing the same too". I found that reason so odd 1. Why did you girlfriend cheat and not breakup with you, coz you were not married 2. Why are you talking about "pretty" girls to your wife all the time In fact I never asked these question as they might be intrusive. But in the end I was coined to be controlling and jealous and he ghosted me just like that with no explanation. I really feel gutted for wasting 3 months of my time emotionally invested. I'm sorry you had a negative experience with him, TanyaJo. It is unusual and strange to either not be married and never having had a long term relationship at 41. It is definitely not the norm. I agree, he shouldn't have been talking to pretty girls while married and then emphasized to his wife that those girls were pretty. He did you a favor by ghosting you and you return the favor; delete and block him permanently. Good riddance! Your 3 months with him was not all in vain. Better to realize now at 3 months than many wasted months and years beyond 3 months. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't drag out this toxic relationship with this dud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dion333 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 I went on a date with a man whom I've been texting for 3 months. We first met it was a very nice first date, we spend 5 hours just talking and walking. We continued texting the following week as well and we were planning to meet for the second date. Around yesterday, the chat conversation ended up around a funny hat that he had. He sent me a few pictures of him with a few random women (who were actually pretty good looking) wearing that hat. He also sent me a random fwd from a women who he used to work with. To me these two kind of stuck out odd for two reasons 1. I happen to feel if this is an attempt to make me jealous that either he knows good looking women and are in touch with them 2. This was a de ja vu to me as my ex boy friend 5 yrs ago did the same and he is now married to one of the women. So at that time it was him getting a validation from me that she was hot enough. So I did mention to him over text that I was not comfortable him sending me pics of random strangers who I don't know. He took it wrongly and thought I was controlling (in the sense I am controlling him from being friends with women in general on FB) and jealous (because they are better looking). None of this is true and I'm pretty confident about who I am and I'm not on his Facebook and I don't have the rights to control someones friends list. All I asked was not to text me those because they are not necessary for me and also it brings back bad memories to me. He said, this is going to be a problem if I would start reacting for things such as him talking to his colleagues etc. We all have work colleagues and so do I. I'm confused if I overreacted by asking him not to send such pics or is he being really sensitive about my reaction. I really liked him and I did mentioned that to him and he seem to like me too but I'm really gutted at what just happened. -Tanya, He is playing games. Sounds insecure. He has done this on purpose to make you feel jealous and that gives him more power-or he thinks it does. If he is already getting pissed off that you mentioned that y'd been hurt in past by this and isn't understanding your pain-the you are not compatible and there is going to be issues down the line i suspect. Remember, we can get on with someone like a house on fire, but there can be some core traits that we don't connect with or like. It's worth trying one more time and if he for eg says 'hey. i'm sorry, i overreacted a bit, i was just a bit confused why you reacted like that and i understand now why it hurt and frustrated you because of your past situation, want to chat about it?'...then h's a 'good' guy(NOT that h's a bad person)..but i doubt the latter will happen. It's not about sensitivity btw, being sensitive is a beautiful quality esp in a man, if he was sensitive, he would've understood-instead of coming out with what eh said. Remember, he may have been burnt in past too by controlling girls and h's misreading the situation too due to past baggage. However, i still don't agree with the pic thing. That's like a girl sending hot hunk pics to a new guy date with her in them. Like the guy wouldn't be start feeling a little annoyed or something! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TanyaJo Posted March 28, 2020 Author Share Posted March 28, 2020 He is playing games. Sounds insecure. He has done this on purpose to make you feel jealous and that gives him more power-or he thinks it does. If he is already getting pissed off that you mentioned that y'd been hurt in past by this and isn't understanding your pain-the you are not compatible and there is going to be issues down the line i suspect. Remember, we can get on with someone like a house on fire, but there can be some core traits that we don't connect with or like. It's worth trying one more time and if he for eg says 'hey. i'm sorry, i overreacted a bit, i was just a bit confused why you reacted like that and i understand now why it hurt and frustrated you because of your past situation, want to chat about it?'...then h's a 'good' guy(NOT that h's a bad person)..but i doubt the latter will happen. It's not about sensitivity btw, being sensitive is a beautiful quality esp in a man, if he was sensitive, he would've understood-instead of coming out with what eh said. Remember, he may have been burnt in past too by controlling girls and h's misreading the situation too due to past baggage. However, i still don't agree with the pic thing. That's like a girl sending hot hunk pics to a new guy date with her in them. Like the guy wouldn't be start feeling a little annoyed or something! No, he did not come back with any comforting message for if I'd be hurt. When I asked if we have to speak about this and decide if to end this here or move forward, this was his reply Depends if you want to I guess I made it clear that I don't expect you to have issues with me having female friends And you made it clear you don't want me to send photos of them You know I REALLY like you, so please don't be silly about other girls I don't know how to take this. My issue was never about him having female friends but about the photos he sent with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Run. 👟👟 Now you "have issues and are silly". He's a creep. Don't be in this jerk's fan club. Depends if you want to I guess I made it clear that I don't expect you to have issues with me having female friends And you made it clear you don't want me to send photos of them You know I REALLY like you, so please don't be silly about other girls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 So he's saying you need to play by his rules if you want the honor of his attention. And if you don't want to, that's YOUR fault, not his. What a loser. Block him like yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Why are you investing so much into someone you went on one date with? This guy is a total loser. You need to be more discerning when it comes to men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TanyaJo Posted March 28, 2020 Author Share Posted March 28, 2020 True, I will move on and put an end to this. Not an other month to be wasted on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dion333 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 No, he did not come back with any comforting message for if I'd be hurt. When I asked if we have to speak about this and decide if to end this here or move forward, this was his reply Depends if you want to I guess I made it clear that I don't expect you to have issues with me having female friends And you made it clear you don't want me to send photos of them You know I REALLY like you, so please don't be silly about other girls I don't know how to take this. My issue was never about him having female friends but about the photos he sent with them. I still think it's a power game. would you send pics of hot girls to another girl?? I know gay lads have alot of sexy gfs and they have very close platonic friendships with them-i've seen them send pics being picked up, kissed etc by girls..but a hetero guy!?? sorry, still think it's a red flag. It's NOT about the gender. we all know it's fine to have the other gender as a platonic mate--it's about the hotness and sending girl pics to a new date. weeeeeird! DUMP AND RUN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Before using a dating app, decide WHY you want to use it. If it's to meet men, then use the app to screen out the people you don't want to meet and set up quick coffee meets with those who you DO want to meet. Meeting is the goal, not building e-fantasies 'about' people you don't even know. Skip that, set up quick meets for on your way home from work, and if you're stood up by anyone, just take your coffee with you--nothing lost. Don't play e-games with anyone. If he's not up for meeting, skip him and move on to the next potential meet. Agree to check one another out for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table, and it allows for the fact that most people will NOT be a good match for a date. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. It's a needle in the haystack thing, and it's a level playing field for everyone. The goal is to eventually stumble across someone who 'gets you,' with whom you share simpatico and ease. Allow bad matches to pass early, there will be plenty of those. Skip anyone who makes you feel lousy or confused, and you don't need a 'good enough' reason to do that--it's about finding the RIGHT match, not catering to some imaginary judge and jury. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. Gone are the days when we need to justify to friends or family why we don't want to keep dating some guy who's perfect on paper but doesn't synergize with us in the way we want to share time with a potential partner. Head high, and skip the shmoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TanyaJo Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Thank you all for the advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.