Post-traumatic stress after breakup ?

[figureitout23]

Hi figureitout, I’m sorry to hear you suffer from actual PTSD and my comments might have insulted you.

 

I totally acknowledge that I’ve been a bit dramatic here, as was the case five years ago in my then-breakup. I might not actually suffer from physical trauma, but I do have some baggage under the form of growing up with a psychiatrically ill mother, which has also been quite (emotionally) traumatizing, since I had no consistent feedback on growing up and no reliable bond. Her mood was unpredictable, and she lacked complete empathy for my typical teenage problems. If I was struggling with something I was told to get over it already, and to never show emotion as it means you are weak.

 

There was constant criticism and demeaning comments (disguised as I tell you this because ‘I care for you’) which is why it is a little hard on me when people use the though love strategy on me.

 

I come here to find people who experienced the same issues, how they handled breaking up, what their advice might be to handle a specific situation. Because I have had no mirror at all during growing up and I honestly sometimes do not know whether or not I can trust my instincts, if I handled a situation correctly. I have major self-doubt.

 

I ofcourse talk about all of this also with my therapist, who has been great.

 

So while the tough love thing is in fact a little harsh when you feel at rock bottom already, I do appreciate your intentions underneath it, of just wanting to give actual advice on moving on.

 

Sorry if I offended you !

 

L.

 

I’m not sure why my words are being misconstrued, maybe I’m not recognizing how I’m coming off.

 

I was not specifically offended but recognize it’s offensive, I’m not Hispanic but if I hear someone use derogatory language I am capable of recognizing the offensiveness. Throwing around mental diagnosis is offensive to people, the most common example I can think of is people who are super organized sighing and saying ‘oh my gosh I have OCD, I have to have my desk straight’, obviously, I’m sure you know that’s not what actual OCD is, it’s a life altering disorder.

 

I know only the limited info you’ve given. I do not think it’s “tough love” to answer the question you asked.

 

You asked “Post Traumatic Stress after breakup?” you may very well have PTSD Lucha, I don’t know, but I know this ex didn’t cause it. Your posting history and history given on this post tells us that.

 

Lucha you posted about you extreme fear of this woman, then when she reaches out you consider being her friend.

 

Whatever trauma you have endured, it is manifesting itself in the way you carry yourself daily, the people you choose to interact with. She didn’t cause this because you would not have let her in to begin with if you were emotionally sound. I think it’s safe to say you have not healed from your childhood trauma, that’s not an excuse to keep being destructive to yourself though.

 

Until you heal, truly heal, you are going to keep doing this.

 

I’m sorry you feel it’s tough love to be told that.

[maew]

Sorry to hear that Seraphim!

 

It is very true that we need to chose different outcomes. I must say I honestly did not see it coming, the roughness of this breakup when I started dating this person. She seemed like the most wonderful person on earth.

 

I did however seem to ignore clear red flags in this relationship, thinking I should just try harder, her starting to drink again must be my fault like she said,.. when I did know she had an alcohol addiction in the past and still on medication.

While I ofcourse played a part in this relationship and it’s troubles I surely did not have to think it was all on me and should certainly have abandoned this ship sooner. There I made the (wrong) choice to stay and ‘endure’. Maybe I chose martyrdom there.

 

I hope I can make more conscious self-caring decisions in the future!

 

Just an FYI... choosing to get back with her if she were to get sober for a length of time is not a self-caring decision.

 

In my experience people can change a lot when they are clean and sober but it takes years. And the cloud of your past would always be hanging over your head and hers.

[abitbroken]

You asked “Post Traumatic Stress after breakup?” you may very well have PTSD Lucha, I don’t know, but I know this ex didn’t cause it. Your posting history and history given on this post tells us that.

 

It sounds, in essence, that you cannot live without chaos. When she was around, it was chaos, and you went through withdrawals. Intsead of saying "never again" - she called you and now you are back for more.

[boltnrun]

It seems like you find anxiety and uncertainty compelling and exciting. When she's not around to create chaos you find a way to create it yourself ("what will I do if I run into her on the street???!!! She might do something scary and awful!!!!!")

 

Now she's contacted you and you're excited that you might get to experience that chaos again.

 

If chaos, anxiety and drama are what get you off, then own it! You don't have to explain your choices to anyone.

[ninjabib]

I have PTSD afrer a bad accident so it definitely does not have to come through military service. I can't say what you are experiencing is PTSD one way or another, however, although the breakup sounds messed up and was obviously traumatic to you in someway. I agree with others saying if you have PTSD it will have erupted from earlier trauma.

 

Just to kind of re-iterate what a few people have said in here i think that your childhood would have messed you up in terms of why you select this kind of troubled person to be with time and time again. What i am confused with however is why you do not simply block and delete them out of your life?

 

I imagine deep, deep down in your subconscious this is all comforting to you in a way. I began therapy 15 month ago for my trauma regarding my near death experience and now my therapy has moved on from that and we are working back through my childhood memories from the age of 3/4 years old and all of a sudden my mind is throwing up vivid memories of childhood physical abuse and neglect that it had buried and subconsciously blocked.

 

While my life doesnt mirror yours in terms of the emotional drama you choose to put yourself through with these troubled women there is still that drama that runs parralel in mine although it's more to do with other choices, not partner choices. I think my therapist referred to it as almost a "Internalized chaos". We become used to this up and down, all over the place kind of feeling. For me it's an energy, i have zero time for emotional drama but i have a physical energy that drives me too push myself too far, into too many things all the time until i'm completely burned out and collapse. For you the chaos seems to manifest itself in your feelings, always being on edge, creating scenarios in your head and then doing your best almost to make them a reality, wondering what will happen next, a desire to remain in this awful feeling through trying to help someone who can only help themselves and no matter how badly she treats you, you WANT to go back for me whether it be under the pretence of a friend etc. It is this addiction to this chaos you need to break.

 

Similarly to you i had a mentally ill parent and my therapist said exposure to this when young, especially in the formative years of the brain upto about 8 years old, can result in very skewed thinking/feeling that stays with us all of our lives but can be resolved with the right help/therapy. Trauma, even emotional, although intangible, manifests itself on the body and the mind. So what you have suffered as a child will keep your individual 'trauma cup' or trauma tolerance topped up close to full and when you have these nasty breakups, along with other stresses in life, it fills the cup/tolerance more and more each time until eventually it's overflowing/snaps and this is what is happening now with all your symptoms.

 

So no i don't think your breakup gave you PTSD, if you have it then it was always there just waiting to be triggered. She is not the cause, she is a symptom showing you to get the help you need. You even admit you know this is bad for you but you cannot help yourself, the fact you cannot block and walk away suggests you need to deal with your issues in a professional way. If you feel your therapist is not right for you then change them. You are not obligated to reamin with the same one. YOu need to break your unhealhty addiction to your kind of chaos to really move forward.

[Jibralta]

YOu need to break your unhealhty addiction to your kind of chaos to really move forward.

 

I think that's very true. I also want to point out that this can make it very difficult:

 

We become used to this up and down, all over the place kind of feeling.

 

Even though you know it's ultimately destructive, and even though you don't like feeling so chaotic, it's the only thing you really know. It's the behavior that's been modeled for you your whole life. If you don't have this chaos, then what do you have? There is a comforting familiarity in the chaos that you know.

 

It's easy to say, "Stop inviting drama into your life." And it's easy to know and understand that you should stop. But then what? Who's going to show you what "normal" is like? Does "normal" even really exist?

 

I remember when I was in my early 30s, I was at my aunt's house and she was putting up her fake Christmas tree. It was a pre-lit tree and she was plugging in each section to make sure they all worked. One of the sections didn't light up, and I felt myself freeze with fear. My mind started racing: what does she need? what should I do? should I get the instructions? can we maybe change bulbs? is the tree garbage now? ARE WE GONNA DIE????AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

 

Ok, so I wasn't really worried that we were gonna die. But I was anticipating that my aunt would flip the fck out the same way that my mom used to flip the fck out when things went awry. And that was always a painful event. So I was grasping for ways to neutralize the rage explosion before it happened.

 

Well, it never happened. I was standing there hovering, ready to deflect and defend, and my aunt just sort of looked at me with eyebrows raised, like, thanks but no thanks--I got this you panicked weirdo. And she took up a pair of scissors and cut the lights off the branch.

 

I stood there for a few more moments, heart pounding, and it slowly started to seep in that all tree decorating endeavors did not actually include rage explosions. Some problems could actually be handled quietly, without tormenting the other people in the room.

 

Basically, I realized that I was reacting to past experience that was not the norm. But it took a totally normal person to show me that--and without that person actually saying "Here, look. This is normal."

 

It comes together like puzzle pieces sometimes.

[ninjabib]

Brilliant post Jibralta.

 

I am only just beginning to sort out my childhood issues now at the age of 39 because all my life i thought they were normal things but it wasn't until i got older and other people were like "No, thats wrong, that shouldnt have happened to you" but i'd already buried it by then but now its like the NDE has re-opened everything and i see it as a great opportunity to finally get life sorted.

 

"Even though you know it's ultimately destructive, and even though you don't like feeling so chaotic, it's the only thing you really know. It's the behavior that's been modeled for you your whole life. If you don't have this chaos, then what do you have? There is a comforting familiarity in the chaos that you know.

 

It's easy to say, "Stop inviting drama into your life." And it's easy to know and understand that you should stop. But then what? Who's going to show you what "normal" is like? Does "normal" even really exist?"

 

Yes indeed. We are essentially asking ourselves to not be ourselves. Everything we know is now questioned and bascially deeemed unhealthy. It's a big jump to take but it needs doing if we are too be happy in the future. My therap[ist asks me to stop and sit in silence for 30 seconds or so and if i do it gives me anxiety because i'm just used to never stopping. It's like challenging me, that energy and drive is part of me so we try and fight it naturally i think out of instinct.

 

 

Essentially it comes down to us reacting normally to un-normal experiences, we learn this to be normal but it needs to be NOT normal and on our part we need to recognise it at that moment and say "stop, enough!"

 

 

OP if you are still reading forget this woman and seek proper help.

[Jibralta]

I'm glad that came through clearly. Sometimes I post this stuff and I'm like, Am I even making sense??

 

Something else I want to add is that there was always a worry in the back of my mind that if I wasn't broken in some way then other people wouldn't be able to bond romantically with me. I'm dead serious about that. Writing it out now, I can see how that impression was made upon me by my dysfunctional upbringing. My closest relationships were with dysfunctional people. It was dysfunction and love, dysfunction and love. And in my mind, without even realizing that I had drawn a conclusion, those two things became one. So, if I became "normal," I risked making myself unlovable.

[figureitout23]

I think that's very true. I also want to point out that this can make it very difficult:

 

 

 

Even though you know it's ultimately destructive, and even though you don't like feeling so chaotic, it's the only thing you really know. It's the behavior that's been modeled for you your whole life. If you don't have this chaos, then what do you have? There is a comforting familiarity in the chaos that you know.

 

It's easy to say, "Stop inviting drama into your life." And it's easy to know and understand that you should stop. But then what? Who's going to show you what "normal" is like? Does "normal" even really exist?

 

I remember when I was in my early 30s, I was at my aunt's house and she was putting up her fake Christmas tree. It was a pre-lit tree and she was plugging in each section to make sure they all worked. One of the sections didn't light up, and I felt myself freeze with fear. My mind started racing: what does she need? what should I do? should I get the instructions? can we maybe change bulbs? is the tree garbage now? ARE WE GONNA DIE????AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

 

Ok, so I wasn't really worried that we were gonna die. But I was anticipating that my aunt would flip the fck out the same way that my mom used to flip the fck out when things went awry. And that was always a painful event. So I was grasping for ways to neutralize the rage explosion before it happened.

 

Well, it never happened. I was standing there hovering, ready to deflect and defend, and my aunt just sort of looked at me with eyebrows raised, like, thanks but no thanks--I got this you panicked weirdo. And she took up a pair of scissors and cut the lights off the branch.

 

I stood there for a few more moments, heart pounding, and it slowly started to seep in that all tree decorating endeavors did not actually include rage explosions. Some problems could actually be handled quietly, without tormenting the other people in the room.

 

Basically, I realized that I was reacting to past experience that was not the norm. But it took a totally normal person to show me that--and without that person actually saying "Here, look. This is normal."

 

It comes together like puzzle pieces sometimes.

 

Very very true.

 

I’ve said this dozens of times, my counselor told me she would be shocked if I wasn’t in an abusive relationship as an adult, abuse and chaos was all I knew so of course I ended up where I was, it wasn’t until i was blessed with the tools to change my story that I was even able to begin, this site has helped with that as well tremendously.

 

Here’s the thing though, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge, this poster is a ‘medical Dr,’ she is in school for some years now for psychology, she’s stated before I believe she’s even had clients, in therapy for years, you can’t tell me someone who has this amount of knowledge surrounding her is ignorant to mental health. You can’t sell that, utterly impossible, so either she is lying about her life or she simply does not really want to change.

 

I pointed this fact out to her years ago, how can someone be in therapy, be immersed in psychology every day be surrounded by other psychology students but your asking us, strangers on the internet, what codependency is, she explained it comforted her to come here for support, understandable, but she never improved, she stayed static, again with all these tools, to not make any kind of headway?

 

At some point you gotta call a spade a spade, she’s being fed, part of her chaos addiction is when she can’t get the drama from life she comes here and gets it here, until she can get it in life again, then she’s gone. If an alcoholic drank because of childhood trauma would you be like well it’s ok to keep drinking, they had trauma, of course not you would still want them to get better, want for her to get better jil, right now you seem to want to keep feeding her excuses to stay stuck. Again there is simply no way she is ignorant about her situations as she’s claiming to be, this is a woman who diagnosed her mother as narcissistic, psychologists know it’s unethical to do so, ignoring that blaring fact... you have to have a basic knowledge, she’s diagnosed multiple exes with BPD, again basic knowledge... psychology student for years but she gets advice here and makes statements like ‘oh ok, you’re right, I’ll start doing that.’ We’re great but we’re not that great, nothing we say is going to be as in-depth as an actual therapist so again to believe she hasn’t heard all this before? Doubtful...

[Jibralta]

Here’s the thing though, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge, this poster is a ‘medical Dr,’ she is in school for some years now for psychology, she’s stated before I believe she’s even had clients, in therapy for years, you can’t tell me someone who has this amount of knowledge surrounding her is ignorant to mental health. You can’t sell that, utterly impossible, so either she is lying about her life or she simply does not really want to change.

 

I pointed this fact out to her years ago, how can someone be in therapy, be immersed in psychology every day be surrounded by other psychology students but your asking us, strangers on the internet, what codependency is, she explained it comforted her to come here for support, understandable, but she never improved, she stayed static, again with all these tools, to not make any kind of headway?

 

At some point you gotta call a spade a spade, she’s being fed, part of her chaos addiction is when she can’t get the drama from life she comes here and gets it here, until she can get it in life again, then she’s gone. If an alcoholic drank because of childhood trauma would you be like well it’s ok to keep drinking, they had trauma, of course not you would still want them to get better, want for her to get better jil, right now you seem to want to keep feeding her excuses to stay stuck. Again there is simply no way she is ignorant about her situations as she’s claiming to be, this is a woman who diagnosed her mother as narcissistic, psychologists know it’s unethical to do so, ignoring that blaring fact... you have to have a basic knowledge, she’s diagnosed multiple exes with BPD, again basic knowledge... psychology student for years but she gets advice here and makes statements like ‘oh ok, you’re right, I’ll start doing that.’ We’re great but we’re not that great, nothing we say is going to be as in-depth as an actual therapist so again to believe she hasn’t heard all this before? Doubtful...

 

Are you saying that you don't believe her or that she hasn't lived up to your standards in some way?

[figureitout23]

Are you saying that you don't believe her or that she hasn't lived up to your standards in some way?

 

I’m saying you’re projecting.

 

According to her, she has the tools, only she can decide to use them.

[Jibralta]

I’m saying you’re projecting.

 

Who cares? And how is that even relevant to this thread or Lucha's problem? Are suggesting that I'm somehow impeding Lucha's mental and/or emotional advancement with my projections?

 

Aren't we all projecting? Isn't that what we do as people and how we relate to each other and the world around us?

 

What you're actually trying to do is pick a fight in the middle of somebody else's thread.

 

Ridiculous.

[figureitout23]

Who cares? And how is that even relevant to this thread or Lucha's problem? Are suggesting that I'm somehow impeding Lucha's mental and/or emotional advancement with my projections?

 

Aren't we all projecting? Isn't that what we do as people and how we relate to each other and the world around us?

 

What you're actually trying to do is pick a fight in the middle of somebody else's thread.

 

Ridiculous.

 

No.

 

This was starting a fight:

 

Are you saying that you don't believe her or that she hasn't lived up to your standards in some way?

 

I responded to the accusal, I believe you are getting worked up because you are seeing yourself in the poster, which happens, some poster we connect with more recognize their stories, you’re right it’s understandable and we all do it, what we don’t all do is go on the attack when you disagree. I said nothing to warrant what you said.

 

Yes, let’s please drop it, neither of us will change opinions. I have no desire to argue either.

[boltnrun]

Guys, I am asking politely, please don't debate. It doesn't help the OP.

 

She seems to truly believe she can't get out of the situations she puts herself into. At some point it's a choice, right?

[Lucha]

Wow, this is getting a little out of control.

 

I want to clarify something: I studied medicine for 7 years, and graduated as a medical doctor five years ago, then started residency (psychiatry). Because of my own issues I know what I can and cannot offer to clients, and usually stick to the medical field - diagnostics and medication. I see people regularly to follow up on medication and how the disease state progesses. If I want them to get proper “therapy”, I refer them to a therapist - which in the country where I live are two distinct educations: psychiatrist versus psychologist. A psychiatrist can take a therapy education, but it is additional on top of 7 years of medicine and 5 of psychiatry.

 

I did not diagnose my exes, those who had BPD were diagnosed prior to meeting them , and disclosed this information to me during the relationship or after breaking up. I did also not diagnose my mother. I agree it would be unethical.

 

I can ofcourse see it is quite ridiculous to be a licensed medical doctor and come to a forum for ‘support’. I do not want to act like a dramaqueen, but I am interested in other people’s experiences and what they learned from it.

 

Ofcourse I have knowledge. I do not however have a lot of life experience/ wisdom. So I keep interested in other people’s views.

 

Doctors can have their own vulnerabilities, you know. We are not superpeople, we are human.

 

So , I am not lying about my education/background, I am going through counseling myself the past 3 years (after difficult breakup 5 years ago) and therapy is going fine. I have gained independency and do not believe my life is about to end after a breakup anymore. But it still does impose a lot of complicated feelings in me.

 

I think this topic may be closed now.

[Jibralta]

No.

 

This was starting a fight:

 

Are you saying that you don't believe her or that she hasn't lived up to your standards in some way?

 

 

That was actually me trying to understand what you were talking about. I truly did not understand what you were talking about and was attempting to relate. I asked a question. I didn't accuse. Sorry you misinterpreted.

 

Case closed now.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed...