Post-traumatic stress after breakup ?

[figureitout23]

That is very true. I want to stress I keep seeing my own therapist but also keep maintaining self-care and working, and had not had any negative comments on my work upto now.

But you are absolutely right on not being able to help people well when not feeling okay myself. If this nightmares continue I will take some weeks off to get back on my feet..

 

But Lucha you were told this 2 years ago with the other ex....

 

I said this 2 years ago as well, you can have all the knowledge in the world, know every mental illness know exactly how abusive someone is being, until you USE the tools you have and help yourself, you WILL remain here, stuck, victimized by what it seems every relationship you enter, doesnt that sound miserable?

 

As you were asked before, what would you tell your patients if they came to you speaking as you do?

[Lucha]

But Lucha you were told this 2 years ago with the other ex....

 

I said this 2 years ago as well, you can have all the knowledge in the world, know every mental illness know exactly how abusive someone is being, until you USE the tools you have and help yourself, you WILL remain here, stuck, victimized by what it seems every relationship you enter, doesnt that sound miserable?

 

As you were asked before, what would you tell your patients if they came to you speaking as you do?

 

I would probably stress the importance of self-care and trusting their intuition to not stay in any abusive relationship.

 

But this is the stuff why people come to psychiatrists or therapists.. because they simply have not learned to trust their instincts.. because maybe they were always told their instincts were wrong, or their feelings did not matter.. and this is the stuff I keep going to therapy for myself.. in comparison to a few years ago, I am much more able to create boundaries, only not as good in remaining firm about them.. working on it though!

[bluecastle]

Do you think you've got a good therapist?

 

I'm no expert, but I feel confident in saying this cuts way deeper than trusting instincts. This is about understanding why some of your most basic instincts are compelled toward, rather than repelled by, damage and dysfunction.

 

I'm curious: when things were "good"—i.e. when she took it personally that you were a doctor who "only" could see her 2-3 times a week—what was your instinct there? Was it to think she was "right" in her assessment of things? Or was it to think you could "do better," either by communicating better or making more time for her?

 

Most adults would be completely turned off by someone right there. It seems you were turned on, much the way you're turned on right now. Figure out why this sort of thing turns you on and you may find your less beholden to certain instincts and can cultivate different ones.

 

What would different instincts look like right now? A shrug, basically. Six months with a loose cannon that are over. You go out, go grocery shopping, knowing the odds that you'll ever see this person are slim and knowing that anything you get from her is just going to be a little tantrum that can be ignored.

 

But, as others are saying, I think you want the tantrum. I think you miss the beast. I think if you look at even the good times with clearer eyes that you'll find the moments of connection were forged in slightly less extreme versions of what you're feeling right now: anxiety, discomfort, fear, and a desire to keep the beast sated rather than just calling the beast a beast and moving on.

[Gary Snyder]

New thread. A few weeks ago I posted about the woman I dated for half a year, who had relapsed into alcohol abuse and became a completely different person. She went from sweet, compassionate girlfriend to almost pure evil, constantly engaging in sarcastic and ironic demeaning comments, pushing me away and pulling me back in, late night phone call rants about what an awful person I am for stating and maintaining my boundaries (told her I was by no means ging to continue this relationship if she did not seek help for her substance abuse, but I did wanted to support her as a friend and maybe help in facilitating her contacts with her previous psychologist/doctor). Also rants about how I probably already had a new girlfriend or should get one, about my lifestyle, about my personality. About my inability to ‘argue’ and how diplomatic I always remain. I was called a selfcentric person who was and will be never there for her, would never be able to maintain any longterm relationship and if I so much as mention any of this to her doctor or counselor, she would ‘literally murder me’.

 

 

Wow, that's a rough breakup. You are supposed to walk away as soon as she starts saying that stuff.

 

Many people go on the rebound after a breakup. It's traumatizing. It's temporary, it will go away with time. There are things you can do to make life easier like get involved with your life and dating. Counseling can help too.

[Hollyj]

Have you dealt with your issues and what you are attracted to?

[Jibralta]

New thread. A few weeks ago I posted about the woman I dated for half a year, who had relapsed into alcohol abuse and became a completely different person. She went from sweet, compassionate girlfriend to almost pure evil, constantly engaging in sarcastic and ironic demeaning comments, pushing me away and pulling me back in, late night phone call rants about what an awful person I am for stating and maintaining my boundaries (told her I was by no means ging to continue this relationship if she did not seek help for her substance abuse, but I did wanted to support her as a friend and maybe help in facilitating her contacts with her previous psychologist/doctor). Also rants about how I probably already had a new girlfriend or should get one, about my lifestyle, about my personality. About my inability to ‘argue’ and how diplomatic I always remain. I was called a selfcentric person who was and will be never there for her, would never be able to maintain any longterm relationship and if I so much as mention any of this to her doctor or counselor, she would ‘literally murder me’.

 

After that no contact for ten days now. Initially I was doing okay, felt kind of numbed and seemed to not experience any emotions regarding the breakup. I did not cry or felt angry or dissapointed or anything for that matter. I did feel fear.

 

Right now I still feel numb, I have been having trouble concentrating and sleeping and have been experiencing vivid dreams that seem to get worse every night. Last night I had the most terrifying nightmare of my ex who transformed into a monster that was chasing me and trying to kill me. I woke up feeling extremely anxious and even a little paranoid and for the second time in my life ever had to take Alprazolam to calm down.

 

As I work in the medical field myself I know these could be symptoms of ptss. Or maybe just symptoms of a bad breakup?

There was never any actual physical trauma, only the threat of ‘if you talk to my doctor I will murder you’, said in a complete rage through a phonecall and of course the weeks of demeaning phonecalls (emotional abuse?) previous to this.

 

I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this after a breakup!

 

(I of course try to maintain no contact. But we live in the same city and I find myself anxious to even go out - what if we bump in to eachother?)

 

Worth mentioning we are still facebook-connected - but I dread blocking her out of fear for ‘waking the beast’... we are now completely silent with eachother and I fear removing her as a friend or blocking her will cause a new rage.. I can almost literally feel her enormous anger towards me at this moment.. I know her as a very, very resentful person (which was a red flag early on in this relationship, I know).

 

Any tips on how to navigate this?

 

Ps: I have been seing a therapist since 3 years every month, so will of course talk to her about this as well.. but I’m interested in other people’s experiences with this and also a little overwhelmed by this dreams I keep having...

 

Thanks!

 

I think you are doing the right thing by staying out of contact. And I totally get why you've left the facebook connection intact.

 

My impression is that the ptsd was probably triggered by this most recent breakup, but that it is also related to some underlying issues--possibly some events in your past.

 

You talk a lot about addiction in these threads, and minimize the fact that you were in a relationship with an abuser.

 

Have you had an abusive parent or relative? Were any of your previous girlfriends abusive?

[Lucha]

I think you are doing the right thing by staying out of contact. And I totally get why you've left the facebook connection intact.

 

My impression is that the ptsd was probably triggered by this most recent breakup, but that it is also related to some underlying issues--possibly some events in your past.

 

You talk a lot about addiction in these threads, and minimize the fact that you were in a relationship with an abuser.

 

Have you had an abusive parent or relative? Were any of your previous girlfriends abusive?

 

My mother has a personality and probable bipolar and eating disorder. She divorced my father around 8 months ago, after years of walking on eggshells around eachother.

 

They did not however abuse any substances and have not ever been physically abusive towards me or eachother. Emotional abuse, yes , a lot (manipulating, gaslighting, demeaning comments, drama and verbal agression, the could shoulder treatment,..) all normal stuff back then!

I realised this was not how a normal mother-child interaction is supposed to go around two years ago with my therapist.

 

By now I have gained sufficient independency to maintain a low-profile, superficial connection with my mother who I can now say has a mentall illness, but is still my mother who I love. I have reached ‘acceptance’ over this...

[Lucha]

Have you dealt with your issues and what you are attracted to?

 

Trying my best to deal with them[emoji123]. I have not yet been able to change who I get attracted to... which makes me think now maybe is the time for a lot of self reflection and remaining single...

[Lucha]

Do you think you've got a good therapist?

 

I'm no expert, but I feel confident in saying this cuts way deeper than trusting instincts. This is about understanding why some of your most basic instincts are compelled toward, rather than repelled by, damage and dysfunction.

 

I'm curious: when things were "good"—i.e. when she took it personally that you were a doctor who "only" could see her 2-3 times a week—what was your instinct there? Was it to think she was "right" in her assessment of things? Or was it to think you could "do better," either by communicating better or making more time for her?

 

Most adults would be completely turned off by someone right there. It seems you were turned on, much the way you're turned on right now. Figure out why this sort of thing turns you on and you may find your less beholden to certain instincts and can cultivate different ones.

 

What would different instincts look like right now? A shrug, basically. Six months with a loose cannon that are over. You go out, go grocery shopping, knowing the odds that you'll ever see this person are slim and knowing that anything you get from her is just going to be a little tantrum that can be ignored.

 

But, as others are saying, I think you want the tantrum. I think you miss the beast. I think if you look at even the good times with clearer eyes that you'll find the moments of connection were forged in slightly less extreme versions of what you're feeling right now: anxiety, discomfort, fear, and a desire to keep the beast sated rather than just calling the beast a beast and moving on.

 

I think I don’t want the tantrum, but it is all I have ever known as a child.. I think this is my definition of ‘normal’ love instead of giant red flags and alarmbells.. when something like this occurs (tantrum, drama, manipulative behaviour) I tend to indeed think it has something to do with me (as this ex girlfriend also put the blame on me, even for her drinking ).

 

I’ll take this as a lesson to try to trust my instincts and try to walk away immediately next time when I’m with someone displaying this behaviour..

 

So, I’ll try to just carry on with my life and stop the overanalyzing about the drama and not posting new threads [emoji51][emoji120]

[figureitout23]

I think I don’t want the tantrum, but it is all I have ever known as a child.. I think this is my definition of ‘normal’ love instead of giant red flags and alarmbells.. when something like this occurs (tantrum, drama, manipulative behaviour) I tend to indeed think it has something to do with me (as this ex girlfriend also put the blame on me, even for her drinking ).

I’ll take this as a lesson to try to trust my instincts and try to walk away immediately next time when I’m with someone displaying this behaviour..

 

So, I’ll try to just carry on with my life and stop the overanalyzing about the drama and not posting new threads [emoji51][emoji120]

 

I’ve said this on this board before my counselor told me flat out, she’d Be shocked if I didn’t end up in a toxic relationship. Chaos is what i knew and recognized from my childhood so it’s what I looked for in a partner.

 

Now don’t get me wrong my ex was abusive, not excusing him at all, but I never would have found peace with that relationship had I not been pushed to acknowledge my demons, how I played into our dynamic and fed off the drama, because I did.

 

No time like the present, take control, first things first for the love of all that is holy unfriend her. The dysfunctional Stockholm syndrome excuse you are giving does not mean you get to allow a person you define as your abuser in your life, cut all ties, now. Like I can’t even begin to think how you could even sort of begin to move forward if you have convinced yourself it’s ok to continue on with this person on your social media out of fear, you can’t heal as long as you perceive yourself as under her thumb, take your power back, step one unfriend her, step two, and this may take time, live your life! Quit fearing leaving the house due to the slim chance of bumping into her, if she does anything to you, guess what? She is as much of an adult bound by law as the next person, you feel in fear of your life you call the cops, tell yourself enough no more, take your life back.

 

You can do this!

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you Lucia. Any breakup hurts, but watching someone devolve into alcohol abuse while blaming you for that can certainly do something to your head. Might you consider attending one or more Alanon groups to gain some insight and regular support from others who’ve lived through this? Nobody has mastered the vision, the tools and the techniques to navigate away from nasty drinkers better than those who’ve done it. While I don’t knock writing with us, finding helpful people local to you might benefit you in lots of ways, including bolstering a feeling of safety in numbers.

 

I hope you’ll stay in touch and not be discouraged away from posting here. We’re not always polite, but I believe we all mean well.

 

(((HUGS))))

Cat

[abitbroken]

Saying you have PTSD over a breakup is an insult to veterans and people who are victims of real crimes and serious accidents. You can call it subjecting yourself to her abusive nature, for sure - but voluntarily trying to help someone battling alcoholism and dealing with their abuse over the phone surely is upsetting, and you are grieving the end of the relationship, but its not PTSD. You are having dreams that are playing out your fears. I think that you should avoid her old haunts and "places you went together" for a short bit until you can handle catching a glimpse of her. I would get a restraining order if she is deliberately seeking you out.

[maew]

You can choose to remain attached to someone you shouldn't because of "what if". It gives you "permission" to continue to interact. Because, in all honesty, you don't want to detach. You still "hope".

 

So you use "what if" as your excuse.

 

I doubt you truly think any of these things will actually happen, but it sure allows you to keep interacting with her.

 

I was waiting to see if someone else would say what I was thinking...

 

Even if you aren’t physically interacting with her you are using every excuse in the book to stay attached... and projecting a whole bunch of unknowns into this situation.

 

It’s simple enough to block and ignore her... and if she gets angry, so what? Let her get angry, and do your part and walk away from the situation.

 

If it escalates then call the cops.

[Lucha]

Seems like the situation has sorted itself out.

 

A few days ago she reached out, asking if I would consider meeting up, not to argue but to just spend some time.

I told her with everything that’s happened I hesitate to take that offer. She ensures me she stopped drinking, is now taking Antabuse (disulfiram) again and is back in therapy. She thought maybe we could be friends, as she didn’t regret the time we spent together (she put a heart at the end of this sentence).

 

Told her I was happy to hear she took this important step, I also did not regret this relationship and maybe down the road when more time has passed (it’s been only 2 weeks) we can maybe meet eachother again or remain friends, but right now I am still processing all that happened and I am not ready to meet. I asked to give it some time.

 

She then blocked me on all social media.

 

It stings.. But also takes away the doubt of “do I need to block her”.

 

So maybe it is true, I wanted to maintain that connection to maybe reconcile further down the line.. when she has been sober for a substantial amount of time and when communication between us can happen with mutual respect.

 

No doubt I’ll get harsh reactions again over even considering rekindling things with this person, but I cannot lie: I loved this person and struggle to completely let go of her.

[figureitout23]

Oh yeah Lucha you’re gonna get a ‘harsh’ comment from me.

 

You always do this, the dramatics and extremes, look at your posting history

 

Like another poster said do you know how insensitive you’re being towards people truly suffering from PTSD and trauma?

 

Doesn’t seem like you have either seems much more likely you’re a codependent with a flair for dramatics.

 

You sat here and said you were afraid to leave the house out of the debilitating fear she caused you...when really, you were just hurt over the breakup...

 

Not ok

 

Stop with the dramatics Lucha, talk to your therapist about these extremes and how you perceive normal situations as these epic meltdowns.

 

My biggest question, the biggest plot hole for me, how have you been in school for this long, you’re already a Dr and you stated you were in school for psychology as far back as 2017, so it’s been some years, and you’re in therapy... how can a person with that much knowledge and ability to be self reflective state these things... makes zero sense to me, I hope you explain...

[abitbroken]

Seems like the situation has sorted itself out.

 

A few days ago she reached out, asking if I would consider meeting up, not to argue but to just spend some time.

I told her with everything that’s happened I hesitate to take that offer. She ensures me she stopped drinking, is now taking Antabuse (disulfiram) again and is back in therapy. She thought maybe we could be friends, as she didn’t regret the time we spent together (she put a heart at the end of this sentence).

 

Told her I was happy to hear she took this important step, I also did not regret this relationship and maybe down the road when more time has passed (it’s been only 2 weeks) we can maybe meet eachother again or remain friends, but right now I am still processing all that happened and I am not ready to meet. I asked to give it some time.

 

She then blocked me on all social media.

 

It stings.. But also takes away the doubt of “do I need to block her”.

 

So maybe it is true, I wanted to maintain that connection to maybe reconcile further down the line.. when she has been sober for a substantial amount of time and when communication between us can happen with mutual respect.

 

No doubt I’ll get harsh reactions again over even considering rekindling things with this person, but I cannot lie: I loved this person and struggle to completely let go of her.

 

So this woman is a monster and you have nigthmares, and you are UPSET that she has blocked you on social media? I would have been RELIEVED but would have blocked her first.

This isn't love, its an unhealthy addiction to drama. I am positive that any other advice will fall on deaf ears. You are an attention seeker - people in your life are so toxic and evil but the minute they turn back to you, you soak it all up and act like nothing ever happened. You heard the line "You can call me anything you want as long as you keep talking to me..." you like the attention you receive, here, methinks. So be real with yourself. the only trauma you suffer is self inflicted

[Jibralta]

They did not however abuse any substances and have not ever been physically abusive towards me or eachother. Emotional abuse, yes , a lot (manipulating, gaslighting, demeaning comments, drama and verbal agression, the could shoulder treatment,..) all normal stuff back then!

 

People tend to minimize emotional abuse for some reason. I don't know why. Emotional abuse is a big deal. It affects your entire outlook on life.

 

Getting punched and kicked and smacked around is easy. You can see it coming. You can block it. Fighting back is simple and direct.

 

Mental abuse is not simple. It's tricky. It's often indirect. You can't always see it coming. You can't always block it. It makes you feel like you're crazy. It makes you question your own decisions and your own validity as a human being. Feeling like you're crazy is not easy. It makes life very difficult.

 

Any traumatic situation can create PTSD. You don't have to be a combat veteran. This last relationship probably triggered PTSD from your childhood. That's what PTSD basically is: recurrence.

 

I realised this was not how a normal mother-child interaction is supposed to go around two years ago with my therapist.

 

By now I have gained sufficient independency to maintain a low-profile, superficial connection with my mother who I can now say has a mentall illness, but is still my mother who I love. I have reached ‘acceptance’ over this...

 

I TOTALLY understand. I think you are handling it perfectly with your mother. Do you see how it would help you to do the same thing in this situation?

[figureitout23]

People tend to minimize emotional abuse for some reason. I don't know why. Emotional abuse is a big deal. It affects your entire outlook on life.

 

Getting punched and kicked and smacked around is easy. You can see it coming. You can block it. Fighting back is simple and direct.

 

Mental abuse is not simple. It's tricky. It's often indirect. You can't always see it coming. You can't always block it. It makes you feel like you're crazy. It makes you question your own decisions and your own validity as a human being. Feeling like you're crazy is not easy. It makes life very difficult.

 

Any traumatic situation can create PTSD. You don't have to be a combat veteran. This last relationship probably triggered PTSD from your childhood. That's what PTSD basically is: recurrence.

 

 

Thats unfair Jilbralta, you view the situation differently and thats fine, but to state people are dismissing emotional trauma because other see her situation as over exaggeration and drama is well again unfair.

 

You believed her, you stated you completely understood why she kept the connection to her ex on social media due to fear and trauma...Jill she just admitted she was lying and she was keeping her on social media due to not wanting to let go.

 

Its fine if you dont see that as unwarranted dramatics....stating you cant unfriend an ex on social media due to fear of retaliation...others did...

 

You know the saying theres my side, your side, and the truth and typically the truth is somewhere in the middle with both sides being mostly reality just their interpretation....when someone admittedly is not functioning as a whole, shes gone through trauma in her childhood, I fully acknowledge that, her interpretation quite possibly is not reality, her retelling and explanation may not be cut and dry, for example her fear of her ex, that is precisely her issue! Her life experiences and emotional trauma could potentially be causing her to maybe be drawn to these dramatic relationships where she gets to feed the role she chooses ( I think victim based on the limited info) an create scenarios in her head to fit whatever agenda feeds her.

 

Heck even the OPer was starting to own it, which, to me at least, is a step in the right direction, but youre pushing her back down into a powerless role: NO, YOU'RE A VICTIM, ITS OK! HERE BE FED ATTENTION!

 

A variation of this traumatic relationship keeps happening, BPD, alcoholic, alcoholic BPD, broken seeks broken, until she faces herself and her role, she will continue this pattern.

 

My advice is not coming from a place of judgement, she is her own worst enemy right now, and she will continue to be until she gets serious about healing.

[Jibralta]

That wasn't aimed at you, figureitout. It's something that I've learned about recently. If it rings a bell for you, then maybe you should contemplate your current stance.

 

[Morello]

I don't like when people say that PTSD can only be linked to people with major traumatic experiences, like being in a war zone or sexually abused, etc. As Jibralta said, trauma comes from recurrence. While the OP might be exaggerating a bit, it's still not cool to downplay her/his situation. It's just not. We never know the full story and definitely don't know how bad and negative the OP might be feeling right now.

 

One thing that can be considered "not wanting to let go" for some, might actually be something way more extreme and difficult to deal with for others. I experienced, once, an extreme panic attack for something that now seems very little in hindsight. But back then it really threatened my mental health in a way I considered suicide for the only time in my life. My therapist related my recent experience with that break up as trauma - mostly because of my childhood background and other previous experiences. The recent experience might not have been that important in the big scheme of things, but combined with the previous ones, it was my tipping point. I'm glad a had a supportive network of people back then. People who whould try to avoid the "get over it" thing.

 

Also, I think posters here should be a bit more aware of the vulnerable state of whoever comes here for advice. I don't mind some tough love sometimes and I think it's necessary, but some posters here seem to use this forum just to basically be tough to other people. I understand, they might think that with tough love, maybe they'll see the light. Some certainly do. Some will just become more negative and will refrain to ask for help/advice later on. Just something to think about.

[sullensloth]

My heart goes out to you. I have been in similar situations myself. As for that person, I think that you should definitely start gearing towards cutting all contact off. If you feel you are in danger then take the steps needed to protect yourself absolutely.

 

A common misconception is that PTSD is war related. While that is true, PTSD can be caused from any sort of traumatic non-normative life event. And well, sounds like this lady is just that.

 

As for the whole not wanting to block her, I understand that completely. I assume you don’t want to block her because you don’t want to trigger another uproar of her bad behavior. Understandable. But by keeping her around because of that, you are giving her power. Give yourself time to cut her off though, it always takes time. You need to free yourself though. If you see her in public, well it depends on the outcome you want. If you want to ‘keep the peace’ I suggest a simple ‘hello’ a nod, and walk the other way. acknowledge her to feed her ego just enough, but don’t engage enough to keep her around. I’ve dealt with people like this. It’s sad, we shouldn’t have to do this, but sometimes we do. Cut them off as comfortably as you can.

 

Good luck

[figureitout23]

Ok so I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I’ve never seen a war zone outside of a movie theatre, so I’m not sure if the comments are directed at me but I am not saying PTSD is exclusive to combat veterans, I will say it’s exclusive to trauma, and not perceived trauma, perceived trauma may be a manifestation of past trauma, but that’s completely different.

 

I can only speak for myself, I am not coming from a cold or indifferent angle, if she were a girlfriend who had an ex with BPD and she took a long time to recover from and the next girl she met also had BPD and was an alcoholic, I love my family and my friends, I’m not going to sit back and say ‘ there, there, it’s ok, just keep doing what you’re doing’ I’m going to tell her she needs to stop, I would say the same thing I said here you are being your own worst enemy, you are a highly intelligent learned person with resources surrounding you and at your fingertips and you seem to be completely blind to them, you’re broken, stop coping through codependent relationships, remain in counseling, work on you, focus on you, heal your inner child speak to her, ask for her forgiveness, be there for yourself, heal yourself.for the love of God stop dating!!!! You are attracted to drama because it’s familiar, until you trust you’ve h learned that, quit putting yourself at risk

 

To me, it’s not cold to tell someone they are spiraling in a vicious toxic cycle and they need to stop. It’s said to people everyday, it helps people everyday, I am forever thankful I was pushed to keep going, of course we all need to be told it’s ok, you’re going to be ok, just knowing you aren’t alone there is always a time and place for that...

 

This poster is considering being ‘friends’ again with her verbally abusive alcoholic ex...

 

I will retype it : this poster is considering opening the door to her verbally abusive alcoholic ex

 

Call me crazy but I think the time to scream STOP is now.

[Lucha]

Ok so I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I’ve never seen a war zone outside of a movie theatre, so I’m not sure if the comments are directed at me but I am not saying PTSD is exclusive to combat veterans, I will say it’s exclusive to trauma, and not perceived trauma, perceived trauma may be a manifestation of past trauma, but that’s completely different.

 

I can only speak for myself, I am not coming from a cold or indifferent angle, if she were a girlfriend who had an ex with BPD and she took a long time to recover from and the next girl she met also had BPD and was an alcoholic, I love my family and my friends, I’m not going to sit back and say ‘ there, there, it’s ok, just keep doing what you’re doing’ I’m going to tell her she needs to stop, I would say the same thing I said here you are being your own worst enemy, you are a highly intelligent learned person with resources surrounding you and at your fingertips and you seem to be completely blind to them, you’re broken, stop coping through codependent relationships, remain in counseling, work on you, focus on you, heal your inner child speak to her, ask for her forgiveness, be there for yourself, heal yourself.for the love of God stop dating!!!! You are attracted to drama because it’s familiar, until you trust you’ve h learned that, quit putting yourself at risk

 

To me, it’s not cold to tell someone they are spiraling in a vicious toxic cycle and they need to stop. It’s said to people everyday, it helps people everyday, I am forever thankful I was pushed to keep going, of course we all need to be told it’s ok, you’re going to be ok, just knowing you aren’t alone there is always a time and place for that...

 

This poster is considering being ‘friends’ again with her verbally abusive alcoholic ex...

 

I will retype it : this poster is considering opening the door to her verbally abusive alcoholic ex

 

Call me crazy but I think the time to scream STOP is now.

 

Hi figureitout, I’m sorry to hear you suffer from actual PTSD and my comments might have insulted you.

 

I totally acknowledge that I’ve been a bit dramatic here, as was the case five years ago in my then-breakup. I might not actually suffer from physical trauma, but I do have some baggage under the form of growing up with a psychiatrically ill mother, which has also been quite (emotionally) traumatizing, since I had no consistent feedback on growing up and no reliable bond. Her mood was unpredictable, and she lacked complete empathy for my typical teenage problems. If I was struggling with something I was told to get over it already, and to never show emotion as it means you are weak.

 

There was constant criticism and demeaning comments (disguised as I tell you this because ‘I care for you’) which is why it is a little hard on me when people use the though love strategy on me.

 

I come here to find people who experienced the same issues, how they handled breaking up, what their advice might be to handle a specific situation. Because I have had no mirror at all during growing up and I honestly sometimes do not know whether or not I can trust my instincts, if I handled a situation correctly. I have major self-doubt.

 

I ofcourse talk about all of this also with my therapist, who has been great.

 

So while the tough love thing is in fact a little harsh when you feel at rock bottom already, I do appreciate your intentions underneath it, of just wanting to give actual advice on moving on.

 

Sorry if I offended you !

 

L.

[Seraphim]

I am not offended either OP. I have PTSD as well.

 

I don’t think actually anyone said it only related to war experience .

 

I think past trauma leaves us very vulnerable to future trauma that’s where we have to look at if we are following bad upbringing or whatever . We have to decide that we WANT good relationships and demand that. It is a conscious choice.

[Lucha]

I am not offended either OP. I have PTSD as well.

 

I don’t think actually anyone said it only related to war experience .

 

I think past trauma leaves very vulnerable to future trauma that’s where we have to look at if we are following bad upbringing or whatever . We have to decide that we WANT good relationships and demand that. It is a conscious choice.

 

Sorry to hear that Seraphim!

 

It is very true that we need to chose different outcomes. I must say I honestly did not see it coming, the roughness of this breakup when I started dating this person. She seemed like the most wonderful person on earth.

 

I did however seem to ignore clear red flags in this relationship, thinking I should just try harder, her starting to drink again must be my fault like she said,.. when I did know she had an alcohol addiction in the past and still on medication.

While I ofcourse played a part in this relationship and it’s troubles I surely did not have to think it was all on me and should certainly have abandoned this ship sooner. There I made the (wrong) choice to stay and ‘endure’. Maybe I chose martyrdom there.

 

I hope I can make more conscious self-caring decisions in the future!