mattj Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 The sombre silent evening sun, dies behind the hill, the wind is gone and before long , all around is still. a fool i was to take my time, to walk instead of run, the night drew in to fast to see, and all that was has gone. the darkness now is all around, escape i cannot see, i hide myself upon the ground, and weep at what shall be. illusion can its evilest be, when others for 't mistaken, i took this road i payed the fee, now this path must be taken. what's done is done, what's now has begun, what will be is always there. the dark curtain hanging 'pon my life has chosen now to thicken, what could have been, what came to pass will ever my mind sicken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IntrepidFox Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 if that is an original poem...despite the subject it is a great piece of work (especially for a 15 year old) very emotive and seeemingly captures most of what heartloss is like... i feel you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattj Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 thankyou, normally i would write something more positive but hey i write what i feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
volution Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Great scansion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueangel Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 That's really good. The rythm felt perfect... but the last few lines felt rought to me. I wish you had stayed with the same rhyme scheme. But dont get me wrong- it's still really good. I wish I had such good instincts when it comes to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattj Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 yeah i always have a tendency to mess up the end of my poems but i will experiment until i do better! o and thanks all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueangel Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 you're thinking too much on wrapping it up instead of letting it come naturally... if that makes sense. I dont know what Im talking about. Where am I? WHO am I? THAT is the question Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattj Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 heh if i let it come naturally it would never stop! i have something of a tendency to carry on a bit sometimes! oh and yeah if we all knew the answer to THAT then things would be ALOT easier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueangel Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 write it out naturally first and then after you ramble o n, go back and revise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
in_the_mirror Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 i really love your poems, you have an awesome talent. and jus cuz your endings are a little different it jus makes it more personal like your own style, that people can pick out you know. i say keep it up and maybe you will perfect it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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