FirstDates Posted May 15, 2019 Share Posted May 15, 2019 OLD & LDR yes, there are probably way too many acronyms in this sentence. He contacted me via a dating site, we then traded emails through the site and then jumped to a messaging app. When he is ‘on’ he is asks good questions, is easy to talk to and is very complimentary. We had aimed to set up a phone conversation. It happened to fall on his work trip, instead of rescheduling he said it would probably work. The day before he asked if we could move it. I said sure, I totally get it, how about tomorrow night instead?. The next day, ge gave me an update on the day he had (it genuinely seemed VERY busy) but never said yes or no to the new phone call... That was last evening. I’m not saying I waited around for his call but I had intentionally planned to be home. Then at about 7:30 last night, I told him that I understand work was busy and that we didn’t have a set appointment. But asked him to seriously think about if he still wanted a phone call in the future and to let me know. Okay. Phew, this morning I was thinking I’d bail hard. Then this afternoon he sent a long text with a bunch of reasons for why everything has been so hectic. I believe the work load is legitimate, but told him I like decisiveness. I don’t like unknowns or unanswered questions. I didn’t tell him this but I think the whole thing just smacks of bad manners, and disrespect. I know you guys will have some good advice. Is there ever an excuse for poor soft skills or plain old bad manners? Cut him a break or take this as a sign of his nature? I’m not his girlfriend, am I expecting too much? Tell it to me straight! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted May 15, 2019 Share Posted May 15, 2019 I understand your annoyance, I'd feel the same but since this is pretty new, maybe cut him some slack this time. You dont really know him, you dont really know his work schedule and what types of things can come up that would prevent him from calling at a certain time. HOWEVER if you make another plan to talk on the phone, and he bails, then maybe you should too unless his reason is very compelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Why all the emailing to message app to phone calls? Why not just meet up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Bluecastle, we are a fair distance apart, a plane flight. I would want to know him really well before the next step. Thanks Melancholy, I like your sober thoughts on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Are you far away from each other, is that why you can't meet? I would probably worry not as much about that rescheduled phone call, but whether it's actually feasible to make it work long distance? Especially if he is actually very busy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Thanks tiny dancer, yes it’s far. This week is anomaly for him. He is basically working his normal work schedule remotely, and going through the process of intensive interviews in a different state. Lots of prep and studying, and then practical evaluation. Plus anything else that comes with being away from home. Work load is legitimate. I believe that. It’s just that he doesn’t seem to have the social skills to say “I’m crazy busy, I’m sorry. I bit off more than I can chew, can we book a time after this week is through” I’m okay with a rebook, not so much with being ignored or left hanging. With the stress it’s possible I’m the last thing on his mind. Although he did update me yesterday, but with answering the phone call question. I could be that he wasn’t sure he could commit to it—but again just tell me! Just not feeling certain about what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 So, what's the end goal here? Dating online in hopes of creating a long distance relationship? No judgement, but I can't help but wonder about the bigger feasibility stuff than a reshecidled phone call. Is this a form of dating that has brought you success? Anyhow, I cut people a lot of slack when it comes to the early days. People are busy, scattered, and when all I am is a few text bubbles on a screen I just don't imagine why I'd be much of a priority. My girlfriend and I took about 3 weeks to meet—and we live in the same city—simply because one of us kept being busy. Didn't think much of it at the time, because there wasn't much to think of. But, again, that's because my goal is simply to meet and see what's what. If we're subbing in "phone call" for "meet"—well, maybe the same rules apply? A little slack because you're just not really people in each other's lives yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Thanks Bluecastle. I’ve had the same thought, I’m not ‘anything to him’ yet, and maybe never will be. In my head it was as if your girlfriend before you met had said “I know works been busy, I’m okay with rescheduling if you are exhausted, are you still up for meeting tonight? Let me know” and if you responded the next day at three in the afternoon with a detailed list of the busyness you’re in... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplepaisley Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I would be wary of this situation. Frauds, scammers, catfishers always live far away and are very busy, and they travel a lot for business, and time zone issues will creep up. You seem to feel he is genuine, so I would say cut him some slack this first time. If this continues, consider it a bust. He may be married with a family, which will make breaking away for a call at 7 on a Friday rather difficult. I would also worry about how feasible a long-distance relationship can be. Whose going to move? I got involved with a long-distance guy. We met once. The rest was a huge game of cat and mouse. Me to bed early, him working late. I tried to organize "date night" a few times for a phone call. He's the one that brought up at least one phone call a day or with high frequency, along with texts until we can see each other. He regularly disappeared on the weekends . He also had good excuses. The thing is, you'd think he'd be able to spare some time if he was that into me (sound familiar?). After awhile, the whole thing reeked of something isn't right. I was done, and I will not pursue such a relationship again. I'd rather have someone local anyway. I have roots here. The moral of the story is, you can put the feelers out there and take what he says at face value once...don't keep doing it. We can take him at face value and understand he was on a business trip. I can promise you, he will always have business trips or some family crisis. His job will take him places where he has no cell service, etc. You can bat this around a little, don't give up too much personal information, and see what happens. I think you're wasting your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 The mistake you made is sitting and waiting by the phone. If someone says they will call you, don't sit around waiting. Cell phones are magic - you can be in the car, finishing up at the store, etc, when they call. So if they don't call, no biggie. Also, he said HE would call and the you already messaged him telling him which he could have thought was passive aggressive "I told him that I understand work was busy and that we didn’t have a set appointment. But asked him to seriously think about if he still wanted a phone call in the future and to let me know. " To me, after 7:30 for adults is not too late at night to call - no need to make a preemptive strike at him, If he is a plane ride away and you don't have any tie (one of you doesn't live in the other's home town, you don't have a friend there as another excuse to visit or its not a place you normally would go), i would not expect too much or pursue too much here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I'm following, I think. But kind of just the standard annoyance of grownups connecting who, alas, are not yet anything to each other save for grownups looking for connection. One thing that I actually liked early about my girlfriend—and she me—is that we didn't get too into our lives over text. It's different, of course, since we're in the same city. It was basically a lot of: "Hey, I freed up tonight—are you by chance around?" "Dang, no. How's Sunday?" "Might be going away, but I'll let you know..." With many days of silence in between. Not a lot of explanations or velvet gloves. For what it's worth, I get the feeling that he feels genuinely "bad," since you guys already have a bit of a rapport going and he's looking forward to a call, and so he gave you the wikipedia entry on his business as a form of soothing. In his shoes I'd be more direct, along the lines of: "I'm really looking forward to talking, but this week is insane. Can we do Saturday for sure, and I'll let you know if if the insanity tapers off a bit before then?" Which, of course, might not be everyone's cup of tea, either. It's a dance, alas. Some toes get stepped on early as you see if you have a shot at real rhythm together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Thanks purplepaisley, good advice also. I’m awake to those possibilities, I appreciate your personal experience as well. I have more of a once bitten twice shy personality. We had texted all the previous day with his flights and airport waiting times. I do think the travel and work is accurate, he was also the one that wanted the phone call— I didn’t push for it or hint at it. Thanks for the heads up and perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Thanks abitbroken, some tough words but realistic. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Haha, bluecastle, that there is why you’ve got a girlfriend then. That kind of reply would have been perfect! You should probably start teaching lesson! Haha, Poetic stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I invite you to ask yourself why a man who lives hundreds of miles away would intentionally contact you, knowing you live hundreds of miles away, and as such would either never be able to meet or rarely be able to meet? Seriously why? When he could just as easily contact local women whom he can actually meet and date in person? I'll tell you why -- he's not looking to actually date, or for a relationship, he is seeking "pen pals" to have on line "interactions" with, either because he's bored in his current relationship, married or has some sort of social or commitment anxiety. He prefers and even enjoys the long distance; it guarantees him nothing will ever happen! Otherwise, he'd be seeking out local women. My advice? Move on and if/when men reach out to you on line who live hundreds or thousands of miles away, take a pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Katrina, Totally, valid question. We have very similar hobbies, interests and share the same faith and values. (*ducks waiting for JMan to pop up and say something about my religion*) all rare in today’s culture. I told him in my initial email the only reason he was getting a shot was because of his profile and the details his mentioned. Since then many of the things he has shared have impressed me. “I cannot believe you know about and are interested in X, nobody I talk to ever knows anything about that,” So, it has its moments of feeling very right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Were all those shared similarities in your profile? And that is why you think he contacted you? Again, knowing you're hundreds (thousands?) of miles away? I'm sorry not buying it, I am seriously not. No man ultimately seeking a real live in person relationship would ever do that. It just makes no sense that he would, since there is no doubt there are other local women he could seek out with similar interests, assuming meeting, dating, and building a real live relationship is what he actually wants. I mean my goodness, the guy can't even commit to a simple phone call. I don't see this ending well for you but good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 *Were all those shared similarities in your profile?* Some of the initial things certainly, but anything I have delved deeper on he would have no way of knowing which kind of answer I would be “looking for” so to speak. It’s not a “You like Coldplay, oh my gosh I like Coldplay too” kind of thing. (Meanwhile, Coldplay listed under favorite band section). *And that is why you think he contacted you? * I think his background is a huge part of why, he was raised in the States 3-17 and now lives elsewhere. I would guess he feels more American than his actual home country. He hasn’t said so but I don’t think his current home feels like “home”. I appreciate your critical thinking, it’s an important skill for sure. Neither of us can know for certain. I’m certainly not looking to be a PR girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 You're right no one knows for certain, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but simple common sense should tell you a man looking to date and build a real live in person relationship would not intentionally reach out to a woman thousands of miles away in a different country, unless he was soon planning to move back to the states. Homesick or not. Is that his plan? To soon move back to America? If so, my apologies, that might change my opinion somewhat. Anyway, again I wish you the best of luck, hope it works out the way you hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 It is his plan to move back but we still won’t be close geographically. It’s certainly food for thought. I know that their have been people a plane flight away that I have reached out to on a whim, because they were intriguing, not expecting anything to come of it (here’s looking at you Norwigian guy!) and that’s kind of what I thought with this situation. A, “What if they did respond” scenario.” Maybe I’m a sucker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Why are you choosing the most difficult form of dating there is? He could've certainly created a profile resembling yours according to your interests and ethics. When I did OLD, I limited it to guys living no more than 45 minutes away and I eventually met my future husband after several years and many, many dates. If I'd dated the way you're doing it, I'd probably be 90 by the time I found "the one" and spent tens of thousands of dollars. Here's a great article I found:___Lisa Copeland, “The Dating Coach Who Makes Dating Fun and Easier after 50!” Find out more at Findaqualityman.com Action plan for protecting yourself from a scammer. Thousands of intelligent women get caught up in these scams every year. To keep your journey of dating safe, here’s what you can do…. _ Date men closer to home. _ Keep emails short and sweet. Maximum of five to 10 at the most. _ Spend no more than a couple of hours on one or two phone calls max. Meet a man within two to three weeks.If a man tells you he’ll be out of the country for a month or two, tell him to give you a call when he gets back. Upload his profile picture to Google Images. You’ll be able to see if the image matches who he says he is or if he’s stolen it from someone else.It’s hard enough to attract a quality man without having to worry about scammers online.Today more than ever, you want to post the type of profile at an online dating site that gets you the right attention online from the right men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I know that their have been people a plane flight away that I have reached out to on a whim, because they were intriguing, not expecting anything to come of it (here’s looking at you Norwigian guy!) and that’s kind of what I thought with this situation. ^And that's actually fine! In my opinion. If you are having fun and enjoy chatting, terrific, just lower your expecations about ever meeting or anything else, or better yet don't have any, at least until he's back in the states and it's feasible to actually meet and date, somewhat regularly. I would not, BTDT, guy broke my heart, not his fault since I chose to continue "interacting" with him so I blame no one but myself for that. There are hundreds of similar such stories as well. Please be smart and try to not get caught up in the fantasy, which is what this is at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 *Were all those shared similarities in your profile?* Some of the initial things certainly, but anything I have delved deeper on he would have no way of knowing which kind of answer I would be “looking for” so to speak. It’s not a “You like Coldplay, oh my gosh I like Coldplay too” kind of thing. (Meanwhile, Coldplay listed under favorite band section). *And that is why you think he contacted you? * I think his background is a huge part of why, he was raised in the States 3-17 and now lives elsewhere. I would guess he feels more American than his actual home country. He hasn’t said so but I don’t think his current home feels like “home”. I appreciate your critical thinking, it’s an important skill for sure. Neither of us can know for certain. I’m certainly not looking to be a PR girl. Oh gosh, no -- he doesn't live in the United States anymore and is looking for women in the States? I thought by plane ride he lived in NYC and you lived in Chicago. That would be a hard and fast no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 BTDT, guy broke my heart, not his fault since I chose to continue "interacting" with him so I blame no one but myself for that. This is one of my main concerns. I don't want to be left feeling like I shot myself in the foot. I agree, it is easy to get attached! It isn't as if I don't know any better. I can't say that any of the 'warnings' people have given are new. Reverse googling his photos was one of the first things I did. He's on linked-in, he seems to check out... I don't think there is anything malice at play if anything it would be closer to what you described earlier. Someone who purposefully reaches out father so that they can have the trappings of a relationship digitally, without everything that would come with it locally. The safety behind the screen sort of thing. I can see that being true of this guy more than any of the other stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FirstDates Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Abitbroken: " I thought by plane ride he lived in NYC and you lived in Chicago. That would be a hard and fast no." Haha, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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