LikeWater Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just a little hard to breathe sometimes. It is hard for me to believe in myself, or to believe others could possibly feel that way. I don't really understand why anyone would when almost every thought about myself is dipped in some amount of animosity. But that's been an internal battle for as long as I can remember; it's nothing new to me. I'm not going to let it ruin a good thing. Not this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Go with the flow. Good things will come if you just let go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Man, I'm so sick of flakey f***ing people. I've had 3 people agree and schedule to do stuff this week and they all blew me off. Worst part was one of them was my gf. It's crap like this that makes me anti-social and not even wanna try. I'm gonna do my own thing and wait for others to actually make an effort and show me they value my time and company. Time for my good friend isolation and me to get re-acquainted In all honesty, it wouldn't take much for me to be fully content with life. A companion, a steady supply of psychedelics, and my basic entertainment stuff. I couldn't care less about most material posessions, I could be fine with a small, cheap apartment or rent-house, and I couldn't care less about marriage, kids, or most other things eveyone else seems to think is the purpose of life. It's like I entered the wrong game or something and I just want to get to the next one. What is it like to feel like you've found your place? That's what I want, and nothing of this world gives me that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Man... looking at my journal as a whole is like peering into the mind of someone with BPD, huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Mosse Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Do you have BPD? Why use psychedelics? I'm sorry your gf flaked. Did she have a reason? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 I've never been diagnosed, no. And I've had full pychiatric evaluations so I don't really think I do, but I do appear to have sharp and sudden mood swings from super high to unbearably low. Why use psychedelics? Because I feel they are beneficial to me, and there's no side-effects or risk of addiction. They're naturally occurring flora/fungi that have been utilized as tools for the mind for who knows how long. They have a plethora of medicinal possibilities as well which have come to light in the western world recently(finally). They're miraculous, complex compounds and it's a crime that they've been handled in such a way by authorative figures. Every human should have the right to do with their own bodies whatever they please. But the short answer is because I enjoy them and I use them responsibly, and they've provided me with some of the most profound, insane experiences of my life that I could never convey with words and do an ounce of justice to just how powerful they were. Your question to me is no different than asking someone why skydive or why permanently ink your body. These things mean a lot to those who partake in them. And fun fact, you're 1000% more likely to die doing these two activities. My gf flaked on me because her mom suddenly needed her help painting just out of the blue (her mom knew we had plans too) and my gf is incapable of telling her no. I swear her mom treats her like a servant sometimes. My grandmother is disabled and does more for herself. But C needs to learn to stop letting her mom take advantage of her kindness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 Luckily C hit me up and asked if I wanted to get some drinks tomorrow night and then share a hotel room. She says sex is more fun in hotels, which made me giddy. I'd have to agree with her on that. She's gonna bring some new outfits and such, too. It's gonna be a great night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 It seems like she wants to make up for flaking on me the other day, which makes me very happy and like I can trust that this won't become a habit. I'm also really enjoying her willingness to take the lead at times when she feels like treating me to a good time. It's different than others I've been with where I felt like the onus was always on me. We take turns and I'm loving it. I think she is too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted December 13, 2019 Author Share Posted December 13, 2019 I think it's time to leave this website behind. I feel I have nothing to contribute and though I like helping people it seems to just be in vain more often than not. I haven't wrote anything in this journal for a while because I simply don't need it, and honestly this section of the forum has been the only part I've given a damn about for a long while. It was this section and the people who frequent it that helped me the most when I needed it, but now I'm at a point where there's nothing to gain. It's unnecessary. I really miss the community this place used to have, a lot of great and wise and empathetic individuals who have moved on from here as well, and I guess it's time I do the same. If any of the people who used to really have my back in my dark days read this, thank you so much for the care you showed me back then. But now I can't even get replies in PMs from some of those same people, which is fine because I understand that people change and I know it feels to not have the desire to bother. And others have just left this place behind same as it's time for me to. This place just doesn't feel the same and perhaps it's just my 'era' here has ended. But a lot of it is for the first time in nearly a decade my life is actually going so well. I've learned to trust again and I finally have multiple people who genuinely value and care for me and show it all the time. There's no guesswork and no drama and damn does it feel good. So with that, I'm saying farewell. To the people I bonded with here, I'll always cherish the time you took to try and help me, and to those I butted heads with, I'm sorry and genuinely wish you well. Goodbye, guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted July 22, 2020 Author Share Posted July 22, 2020 I highly doubt anyone will care. Too many times have iI thought I was done needing this space, always believing I'd finally found the answer. Nah, truth is there is no answer for me. Yes, i'm single again, and I never wanna try this love bs again. Just not worth it. I'm too messed up. I'll always be this way. I wish i'd just die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 What happened, LW? You seemed really happy with this woman. I've been single for over a year. I haven't tried to get back out there either. How are you dealing with covid? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted July 22, 2020 Author Share Posted July 22, 2020 I was really happy with her. I loved her with everything I have but it wasn't enough. She found someone else who makes her happier I guess. Really feels great to know I'm so replaceable. I'm just gonna stay single as well, I don't blame you at all. I'm not cut out for this. I don't ever wanna feel this way again. I feel truly worthless. Not dealing with covid well or really anything right now. I'm a mess right now and I don't know what to do. Just gotta keep making it to the next day I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 You are not worthless or replaceable. One person's assessment of your worth does not mean that it's true. If she tossed you out for someone else like that, then says far more about her than it does about you. Day by day. That's all you can do. If that becomes too much, take it hour by hour, or minute by minute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 I care. You are stuck with me as your bud for life now, even if we never meet. I'm really sorry to hear about the break up. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted July 22, 2020 Author Share Posted July 22, 2020 Thanks so much, Fudgie and IAG. Your kindness means everything to me right now. My head is so messed up that I don't even know what to say. Just know I appreciate you both very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 I hope you know you aren't alone and that you will come back and reach out whenever you need to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 I hope you know you aren't alone and that you will come back and reach out whenever you need to I hope you're right. I've never felt more alone in my life. Thank you for having faith in me, though. I need time to even understand what the heck happened. I've never felt so betrayed by someone. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 I am so sorry you're hurting. I don't know what happened but it sounds really f__ed up (on her part). Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 I'll be more specific in the future, Fudgie. I don't wanna type it right now. Thank you for being so kind to me. I'll try my best to do what you said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Totally understand. Be kind to yourself and don't bottle your feelings up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Hope you are doing ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 Hi, IAG. I wish I could tell you I'm doing fine but I'm really not. I'm beyond depressed. I guess I can share the jist of what happened. Basically, she fell for another guy and unapologetically did so. Everything was wonderful until this 'old friend', who I didn't even know existed, showed back up in her life. C has other male friends, people I liked, and she never gave me a single reason not to trust her until this guy. She just flat out started prioritizing him over me. If he was available she was with him. Of course, this started a lot of fights between us, with her just continuing to act like it was no big deal while she put more and more distance between us and they got closer. Fast forward a bit and next thing I know I'm barely ever seeing her and most of our talking is through text. I flat out asked her if she was commited to our relationship and if she truly loved me with all her heart. She told me she wasn't sure anymore so I broke up with her. That's the basic summary of it. I have no evidence of physical cheating but this was an emotional affair and she gaslit me into believing I was just being jealous and unreasonable. She made me feel like the bad guy the whole time. I don't know why I attract these kinds of people into my life. The problem must be me. So I'll just be alone now. How dumb is it that I actually miss her? Then again, the person I miss doesn't really exist, I guess. It just hurts. I thought we were a really great couple. Guess she didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 It sounds like there was some history between them, or she at least wanted more from him at some point. Very cruel. I'm sorry she's a POS and did that to you. She's cowardly too, making you out to be the bad guy. That's so manipulative. No one would be fine with what she did. If you did the same, if the tables were flipped, she would have a FIT. Cheaters often try to flip the script and guilt the betrayed partner. It's a selfish way to try and assuage their own guilt. She can't be possibly be a cheater when you're jealous and possessive! /s I forget, how long were you seeing her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 There was definitely history between them. I'll probably never know the full truth of it all, but I know enough. She left me behind but still wanted to be in the relationship? Why didn't she just dump me? I don't know. I can't stop ruminating over it because my brain loves to torment me. We were together just shy of a year by about a month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 Nothing will shatter your confidence quite like realizing you are in 2nd place in your own relationship. It's really done a number on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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