My ex gf has slept with someone while we were broken up

[Rose Mosse]

Hey Kyle, sorry if anything came across the wrong way. Hang in there. There are good people here who are just offering their thoughts. Sometimes we all get caught up in the ideas and concepts and just share stuff. I know you're in pain and both of you are hurt. You can vent here any time. I'm not sure now's a good time to keep talking with your ex but only the both of you can decide that. She should let you go if she's not sure about you. Eventually you'll realize that you deserve either to heal completely (without her in your life) or whether it's worth keeping this friendship. Hope you feel better soon.

[KyleBright]

Hey Kyle, sorry if anything came across the wrong way. Hang in there. There are good people here who are just offering their thoughts. Sometimes we all get caught up in the ideas and concepts and just share stuff. I know you're in pain and both of you are hurt. You can vent here any time. I'm not sure now's a good time to keep talking with your ex but only the both of you can decide that. She should let you go if she's not sure about you. Eventually you'll realize that you deserve either to heal completely (without her in your life) or whether it's worth keeping this friendship. Hope you feel better soon.

 

Yeah I know. I don’t think now is a good time and I don’t know when I will heal. I’m just very angry at this point. How could she do this to me? When she told me, if you hook up with somebody while you’re single or even if she does we can never be together. She told me this would never happen and that she loves me too much and can’t be with anyone for a long time. She also said how this guy meant nothing to her. That she only did it because he showed her positive attention. She was tired of feeling unwanted and unloved. I was ready to show her that 4 weeks ago though. When she didn’t know what to do. If she was so conflicted why would she go and do that? Why would she play mind games when she knows in the end that she wants me? Like I love her to death and I don’t think I will ever find anyone like her. I am just lost because of this. Why would she throw what we have away just to be with somebody physically? When she told me she’s not like that anymore. Her friends convinced her and she wasn’t hanging around the right people. Like I get it we all make mistakes I’m just having a hard time getting over this. This guy she even talked to is a home wrecker. Almost broke up one of her friends bf and her. I get I pushed her to this point. But at the same time it’s hard to see this as how she sees it. She played with my emotions just to go try something out that she knew wouldn’t work. I keep going back and forth and I hate it. My emotions are going crazy. Sorry to anyone that I was mad at or offended I really appreciate all the help. I’m going to see a therapist Wednesday to see where I should go from here. It’s hard for me to accept all these things and move forward when I’m the one to blame. Yeah I didn’t make her do anything and I thought she wouldn’t do that. Nobody thought she would do that. Everybody thought we would end up together. My parents and hers even though they don’t like me. Even our friends thought out of everybody we were meant to be together but I broke up with her for some stupid reason. To better myself when I could’ve done that while I was with her. Why do something to fill that void when you’re still in love with me even though you deny it? Why do something like that when you are crying still and still want me? Why would you hangout with people you that aren’t the best influencers when you told me the same thing? There’s a lot of things I need to get over. I just don’t think I’m going to find something like this with anyone. I think I can find someone and be very happy but something will always be missing. I’m just hurt and I know she is too. I’ve been trying to stay positive and trust my gut. My head tells me you’re stupid if you don’t let her back in and my heart tells me that I’m broken into pieces because I loved this girl and if you let her back in she’ll just break it again. I wish it was that easy, just forget about it move on, or move on with my life. I really wish it was that easy where I could do that. It’s just a lot more complicated than that. She is literally my soulmate which is what sucks. I can’t even describe what it’s like to be with her. I know 2 years down the road I won’t care that this happened. I will probably want to be with her. I just don’t know where to go from here. Like I said before I would’ve done the same thing in her situation and even when I broke up with her I thought about doing what she did. I thought about it and if I was given the chance I probably would have. That’s why I’m trying to be understanding. I knew where she was coming from it’s just really hard.

[KyleBright]

She also recently told me that this guy gave her confidence and showed her how she should be treated. Even though the guy was not the right one for her? She told me that he showed her how she should be treated. So why is she coming back? Why doesn’t she go find someone else? If this guy treated her so well, why come back to me? That makes no sense. If I’m such a bad guy and treated you so poorly then why are you coming back?

[rainorshine]

Blue I’ll go into more detail about how she felt. She wanted me for 3 months. The day I broke up with her. I broke her heart bad. She felt very upset because she was losing me and I was to naive to do things to better myself. I truly wish I did things different. You know she asked me before she went on spring break do you want me to go? I would say things like no go have fun be single. She would be like no I only want you. I was just not thinking. I never really went that long without talking to her. I pushed her to that point. She would cry at parties for 3 months and honesty was emotionally distressed because of how we were doing. I would say things I didn’t mean. I really regret what I did. I’ve honesty learned to really not just take things for as they are and love life and people that love you for who you are. We just fought all the time because she wanted me to commit but I had doubts. I messed up. As soon as she became distant I immediately came to my senses but it was honesty too late. She’s really a great girl. I have nothing bad to say about her.

 

This is very interesting to me, as how you're relaying her feelings was exactly what I was going through around five, six months ago. My ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue. It was totally unexpected and I was blindsided. There was about a 3-4 day period where I fought so hard for him not to, but in the end, it was clear that his mind was made up. So we went our separate ways, and I was absolutely devastated.

 

However, we remained in contact. Sometimes I would initiate it, but a lot of times he would, as well. For 3 months, I made it evident that I was heartbroken and wanted to be back together. He pretty much ignored these feelings and never addressed them. Never once did he make it known that reconciling was on the table as even a remote possibility. He would tell me he felt guilty about hurting me, but other than that, he seemed to be moving on and happy. I tried to do the same. But like your ex, I, too, often cried at parties and bars, because of how painful it was being in those places without him. Eventually, I had a one-night-stand with another guy. I assumed that my ex had been doing the same the entire time. If anyone was the hook-up type out of the two of us, it was definitely him.

 

A few weeks later, my ex calls me, begging for me to take him back. This, again, was a complete shock to me. He comes to visit me, in hopes of reconciliation, and he tells me that he hasn't slept with one person during our time apart. When he probes me, I am honest and tell him that yes, I had, once. He becomes FURIOUS, exclaims that he might throw-up, almost cries, and I am momentarily convinced it is a dealbreaker for him. It was absolutely the most dramatic response to anything I have ever experienced in my life. Apparently, after talking to some friends, this is a "normal" response for a lot of guys. It seems to have been (more or less) your response as well, and it still is not sitting with you well. I have nothing more to say than that to feel such a way is truly unreasonable, as the dumpee OBVIOUSLY has every right to do whatever they want after the relationship ends. How can you blame them? Especially if they believe there is no chance at reconciliation. You can't just expect for someone to know you still love them if you're not communicating that in your actions and are giving them mixed signals.

 

All I can say, other than that it would be rather ridiculous IMO if you weren't able to move past knowing she has slept with another guy, is that my ex and I did eventually get back together. But it was messy, and after two months, ended very poorly. After having been broken up for months at that point, I was insecure in the relationship and was never truly able to forget the hurt my ex had caused me. Although he would tell me everything you are saying know, "I messed up," "you're the love of my life," "breaking up with you was the dumbest mistake I've ever made," it was difficult for me to believe him as I once had. Despite me still loving him, the trust had been broken, and the damage had been done.

 

Just something to think about if you two do get back together in the future. It will be a very hard road ahead building that trust back, both for you and for her.

[KyleBright]

This is very interesting to me, as how you're relaying her feelings was exactly what I was going through around five, six months ago. My ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue. It was totally unexpected and I was blindsided. There was about a 3-4 day period where I fought so hard for him not to, but in the end, it was clear that his mind was made up. So we went our separate ways, and I was absolutely devastated.

 

However, we remained in contact. Sometimes I would initiate it, but a lot of times he would, as well. For 3 months, I made it evident that I was heartbroken and wanted to be back together. He pretty much ignored these feelings and never addressed them. Never once did he make it known that reconciling was on the table as even a remote possibility. He would tell me he felt guilty about hurting me, but other than that, he seemed to be moving on and happy. I tried to do the same. But like your ex, I, too, often cried at parties and bars, because of how painful it was being in those places without him. Eventually, I had a one-night-stand with another guy. I assumed that my ex had been doing the same the entire time. If anyone was the hook-up type out of the two of us, it was definitely him.

 

 

All I can say, other than that it would be rather ridiculous IMO if you weren't able to move past knowing she has slept with another guy, is that my ex and I did eventually get

Just something to think about if you two do get back together in the future. It will be a very hard road ahead building that trust back, both for you and for her.

 

Wow I’ve been looking for a story similar to mine and I have yet to find one. I do not blame her for acting out how she did. Things I guess are going decent we are working on things. We are reading a book together and I’m working on truly forgetting and forgiving her. I have currently been trying to force her to apologize because that’s what I felt like I needed to move on but when you force something it usually never works. So she doesn’t apologize and I’m not going to ask again Im letting her do it on her own. I did cause hurt and I am very apologetic. She said she’s scared to lose me and wants to try things but wants to go very slow. We both agreed if we were to get back tougher we couldn’t bring up the past and we would have to figure out how to move forward. I honestly think I can forgive her and move on. We were broken up and I pushed her to that point. I’m going to counseling and talking to people to try and get better. She truly is an amazing girl and I’m scared to let go. She’s scared to let go of me as well. She told me last week that she thinks we will get married one day. I’m a little nervous at this point I guess. I’m scared she isn’t going to want me in the end like you said. I can’t worry about what’s not in my control. We honestly have made huge improvements since we have been going through this. I trust her completely and she does as well (I think). Our communication has gotten a lot better. I mean the only reason I feel pain is because I truly care for this girl. I really love this girl and she understands why I feel this way because she couldn’t see me with anybody else either.

 

She did think that there was a chance in my opinion. She just didn’t trust me, shut her heart and feelings down. I opened my heart up but it was too late. She tried convincing herself that we would never get back together but after seeing the changes in my life she said she would always have that “what if.” If she were to just be done. I pushed her and it just pushed her further away because I wanted her back so bad. She was very conflicted and it just sucks because I know she loved me and didn’t know what she wanted. So instead of finding her feelings and coming back to me she tried to fill them. She said she felt nothing for him and didn’t see a future but that doesn’t really help. She also said that I should be happy that she’s trying to work things out with me. I know it’s my fault in a way but we both messed up. I know it’s a long road ahead if we want to get back together but I’m willing to work for it. I just hope that she feels the same way. She also told me if we were ever to get back together that we wouldn’t break up it would be for good. She never wants to be put through a break up with me again because of how emotionally taxing everything is. I changed a lot. I still need to change and I’m working towards that to be a better version of myself. Thank you for telling your story.

[KyleBright]

Ok so I went back to the past text messages a month ago. So the week we were trying to work things out she was at spring break. Monday she said she wanted me and wanted to work on things. Tuesday she said I’m scared but I love you. Wednesday she said she doesn’t know if she could ever trust me again and then Thursday she told me she needed space and time to heal. Friday she came home and I was texting her saying things like do you want me? And she kept responding we have to talk in person. I pushed her and said do you want me or not and she said no. She met the guy she was with at spring break. I found out when she broke up with me because I guessed his name and she got very suspicious. The whole week she was conflicted because of this guy. She really loved me but her friends were convincing her to not go back to me. So I found out about the guy and she denied it at the time of the break up and it turned out to be the same guy. What’s bugging me is that Monday and Tuesday she wanted me and missed me. Wednesday-Saturday wanted nothing to do with me to try it out with this guy I guess. Now she said she doesn’t feel anything for him doesn’t want him never wanted him. She just shut her feelings down. Like she had to of choose this guy over me... That hurts... she was scared and thought I was just doing it because she was on spring break but I was actually being genuine. She just wanted to be single and then she ended up being with this guy after spring break instead of trying things with me. That’s why it hurts because she wouldn’t of been this conflicted if there was another guy in the picture. Honesty now looking back it just really hurts and I remember the pain I was going through.

[rainorshine]

Wow I’ve been looking for a story similar to mine and I have yet to find one. I do not blame her for acting out how she did. Things I guess are going decent we are working on things. We are reading a book together and I’m working on truly forgetting and forgiving her. I have currently been trying to force her to apologize because that’s what I felt like I needed to move on but when you force something it usually never works. So she doesn’t apologize and I’m not going to ask again Im letting her do it on her own. I did cause hurt and I am very apologetic. She said she’s scared to lose me and wants to try things but wants to go very slow. We both agreed if we were to get back tougher we couldn’t bring up the past and we would have to figure out how to move forward. I honestly think I can forgive her and move on. We were broken up and I pushed her to that point. I’m going to counseling and talking to people to try and get better. She truly is an amazing girl and I’m scared to let go. She’s scared to let go of me as well. She told me last week that she thinks we will get married one day. I’m a little nervous at this point I guess. I’m scared she isn’t going to want me in the end like you said. I can’t worry about what’s not in my control. We honestly have made huge improvements since we have been going through this. I trust her completely and she does as well (I think). Our communication has gotten a lot better. I mean the only reason I feel pain is because I truly care for this girl. I really love this girl and she understands why I feel this way because she couldn’t see me with anybody else either.

 

She did think that there was a chance in my opinion. She just didn’t trust me, shut her heart and feelings down. I opened my heart up but it was too late. She tried convincing herself that we would never get back together but after seeing the changes in my life she said she would always have that “what if.” If she were to just be done. I pushed her and it just pushed her further away because I wanted her back so bad. She was very conflicted and it just sucks because I know she loved me and didn’t know what she wanted. So instead of finding her feelings and coming back to me she tried to fill them. She said she felt nothing for him and didn’t see a future but that doesn’t really help. She also said that I should be happy that she’s trying to work things out with me. I know it’s my fault in a way but we both messed up. I know it’s a long road ahead if we want to get back together but I’m willing to work for it. I just hope that she feels the same way. She also told me if we were ever to get back together that we wouldn’t break up it would be for good. She never wants to be put through a break up with me again because of how emotionally taxing everything is. I changed a lot. I still need to change and I’m working towards that to be a better version of myself. Thank you for telling your story.

 

It really is fascinating how similar our stories are. You said in an earlier post that both you and her are in your early twenties, and I am 21 and my ex is 24. So, I can definitely relate from an age standpoint. It seems like the two of you are moving towards a better place. That is good, because both of you MUST be committed to working on both yourselves individually and your relationship together. From earning back trust to improving communication.

 

Like your ex, I also insisted that we take things slow. My advice is to truly listen and understand what she means by this -- does she mean physically, emotionally, both? This was an enormous issue for my ex and I after reconciling, as we had very different definitions of what "taking it slow" meant. I, too, did not want to enter back into a relationship with him if I had I any doubts it would not be forever. I had agreed to work on things, but never agreed to be his official girlfriend again. He did not fully grasp this concept, and it ultimately hindered our relationship for the worse. It truly seems that you guys are on right path though, so I think there is definitely hope! Don't let the ending of my story discourage you.

 

The primary reason I did ultimately walk away from my ex was because in the end, I just felt he was not matching my effort. He seemed very secure in our relationship once he had me "back," and after a few weeks, he no longer seemed to feel the need to prove that he deserved to be in my life. I would constantly voice my concerns and he would never truly hear me. No improvements were being made on his end and I was carrying all the emotional burden, trying my absolutely hardest put in the work for the both of us. It was exhausting, and I finally realized it was causing me a lot of resentment.

 

So, that's a little advice on what not to do going forward in your relationship, but the fact that you are on this forum really proves to me that you are committed to doing everything in your power to make it work. Maybe if my ex had fought for me the way you are doing for her, we would still be together. I support you fully and wish the two of you the best. :)

[ninjabib]

OP I'm a little confused. What is it that you have stopped trying to force her to apologize for? Sleeping with that guy?

 

I'm also confused on your latest posts. Are you saying she slept with him while she WAS with you? If true I wouldnt take her back on the other hand if she slept with him while she WASNT with you she has nothing to apologize for. By force or voluntarily.

[KyleBright]

OP I'm a little confused. What is it that you have stopped trying to force her to apologize for? Sleeping with that guy?

 

I'm also confused on your latest posts. Are you saying she slept with him while she WAS with you? If true I wouldnt take her back on the other hand if she slept with him while she WASNT with you she has nothing to apologize for. By force or voluntarily.

 

I stopped trying to make her apologize in person. Because that was what was holding me back and I kept holding onto the past. I wanted a sincere apology because when you love somebody and hurt them you are sorry. She did regret it and admitted it wasn’t the right thing to do. She didn’t sleep with him while she was with me however. Right before spring break we were together and we actually went on a date, we slept together before spring break. We were technically broken up and I told her to basically go have fun be single. I regret most of the things I said because she even told me that she didn’t want to go and she wanted to stay home with me but was scared I would ignore her. I was just scared as well and I didn’t think I would lose her and I also didn’t want to control her. So when she came home I pushed he away. I wanted to be with her so bad. I came off insecure and very emotional which wasn’t attractive and she ran away. I wish she saw that I really wanted her instead of doing what she did but I’m just trying to accept it now and move forward.

[ninjabib]

I understand what you are saying but you need to let go of this apologizing thing. If you are trying to sort things out it is not important. Sitting and waiting and hoping she apologies is not healthy. She ahs done nothing wrong. If it hurt you that is not her fault. You told her she was single. Anyway i hope you can work things out.

[KyleBright]

It really is fascinating how similar our stories are. You said in an earlier post that both you and her are in your early twenties, and I am 21 and my ex is 24. So, I can definitely relate from an age standpoint. It seems like the two of you are moving towards a better place. That is good, because both of you MUST be committed to working on both yourselves individually and your relationship together. From earning back trust to improving communication. I think she means everything taken slow. Physically emotionally. I had a problem the past 6 months showing her affection because I resented her from the past. So I’m sure she wants to make sure that I can give her that. Treat her like a queen and bring her up. Build her up instead of tear things down.

 

 

 

The primary reason I did ultimately walk away from my ex was because in the end, I just felt he was not matching my effort. He seemed very secure in our relationship once he had me "back," and after a few weeks, he no longer seemed to feel the need to prove that he deserved to be in my life. I would constantly voice my concerns and he would never truly hear me. No improvements were being made on his end and I was carrying all the emotional burden, trying my absolutely hardest put in the work for the both of us. It was exhausting, and I finally realized it was causing me a lot of resentment.

 

So, that's a little advice on what not to do going forward in your relationship, but the fact that you are on this forum really proves to me that you are committed to doing everything in your power to make it work. Maybe if my ex had fought for me the way you are doing for her, we would still be together. I support you fully and wish the two of you the best. :)

 

Yeah we have to gain each other’s trust back. I’m also doing things that I don’t like to do because how much I care for her. Like I never read books. But I’m trying to better our relationship and make it better then what it was. Taking things slow I think she means both physically and emotionally. I didn’t show her affection for 6 months because I resented her from the past things that had happened and destroyed me. My friends also really didn’t help me with that. I’m friends with new people with a better understanding of the relationship and it’s helped a lot. I think she wants to take things slow to see if I changed and if I can give her what she needs. I want to see if she can give me what I need as well. She did compromise with me the other day and that was huge for me. I was excited because she finally understood where I was coming from. I Don’t think I will not show her a lot of things if we were to try things out. I want to treat her like a queen and I really think we are soulmates. I want to show her that I can be that guy that can make her laugh, smile, and love. Our relationship I think becomes easy when we are committed to each other so I hope that we become committed instead of this phase because I have put a lot of work in. I wrote a 14 page letter. I bought her multiple things she loved. I’ve put in a lot of effort. I do love this girl. I’m hoping we can both get past this. Also just want her to be happy. I want this to work but I have to get over this bump in the road.

[KyleBright]

I understand what you are saying but you need to let go of this apologizing thing. If you are trying to sort things out it is not important. Sitting and waiting and hoping she apologies is not healthy. She ahs done nothing wrong. If it hurt you that is not her fault. You told her she was single. Anyway i hope you can work things out.

 

I’m not sitting and waiting for her to apologize. I need her to apologize to move on from it and let go from the past. If she doesn’t want to apologize I can’t be with her. As I know she wouldn’t care for me. Logically it doesn’t make sense but it broke my heart so I feel like I need it. She understands where I’m coming from and said she will apologize but on her terms not mine. I can’t force her to do anything.

[ninjabib]

Ok i know that you were hurt by what she did but she didn't do anything wrong. If she apologizes it most likely wont be genuine and that will cause resentment down the line. I don't understand this "If she doesn’t want to apologize I can’t be with her. As I know she wouldn’t care for me" it doesn't make sense but you must do what you think is right.

[rainorshine]

If she doesn’t want to apologize I can’t be with her. As I know she wouldn’t care for me. Logically it doesn’t make sense but it broke my heart so I feel like I need it. She understands where I’m coming from and said she will apologize but on her terms not mine. I can’t force her to do anything.

 

Okay I absolutely agree with @ninjabib on this, if you mean her apologizing for sleeping with someone else. You're correct, her doing so/you expecting her to logically doesn't make sense. End the sentence there -- no buts. I never so much as hinted at an apology toward my ex. Had he decided he "no longer wanted to be with me" purely because I had slept with another guy or wouldn't apologize for it, you know what I would have said? Adiós! and not given it a second thought. His initial reaction and attitude towards the whole thing REALLY put me off, and it really made me consider telling him to leave and that there was zero chance of me taking him back.

 

Look, I don't know her motives for having sex with another guy, but it wasn't to hurt you. There was no ill-intent, so while I totally feel you on other aspects of this situation, you really need to stop wallowing in so much pity and acting the victim. You broke her heart first. She doesn't owe you an apology for the ways she chose to lessen that pain. Be glad she actually has the respect for herself not to.

[KyleBright]

Okay I absolutely agree with @ninjabib on this, if you mean her apologizing for sleeping with someone else. You're correct, her doing so/you expecting her to logically doesn't make sense. End the sentence there -- no buts. I never so much as hinted at an apology toward my ex. Had he decided he "no longer wanted to be with me" purely because I had slept with another guy or wouldn't apologize for it, you know what I would have said? Adiós! and not given it a second thought. His initial reaction and attitude towards the whole thing REALLY put me off, and it really made me consider telling him to leave and that there was zero chance of me taking him back.

 

Look, I don't know her motives for having sex with another guy, but it wasn't to hurt you. There was no ill-intent, so while I totally feel you on other aspects of this situation, you really need to stop wallowing in so much pity and acting the victim. You broke her heart first. She doesn't owe you an apology for the ways she chose to lessen that pain. Be glad she actually has the respect for herself not to.

 

I understand what you guys are saying and I forgive her regardless if she is sorry or not. Because she hurt me and I expect one. When you love somebody and hurt them you are sorry and regretful. I’ve talked to multiple people and they have said the same thing. If she doesn’t apologize I can’t be with her. That’s just as simple as that. I’m sticking to that. If she’s not sorry for hurting me I can not be with her. I have talked to multiple professionals on this topic and they agree with me completely. She is sorry but hasn’t sympathetically apologized in person. That’s all I want. If she doesn’t. Then I will simply move on with my life. I can live without somebody. She’s the love of my life but I have to have respect for myself. If somebody isn’t sorry for breaking my heart I can’t be with them. She would want the same thing. A lot of people want the same thing. An apology is nothing. If it isn’t genuine then I can’t be with her. And I will accept it and she will to.

[ninjabib]

Internally you have alrady forigven her so really if you want to have a good chance at this i'd just let go and see if you 2 can make it work.

[bluecastle]

Kyle, I'd really suggest reading everything rainorshine is writing here over and over and over and over again.

 

Your ex truly has nothing—nothing—to apologize for when it comes to having sex with someone who was not you when she was not with you. Don't put that weight on her. Making anyone feel bad about sex is about the smallest thing a person can do; making a woman feel bad is the behavior of the smallest men who walk this planet.

 

You have a chance, right now, to "man up" for real, you dig? That's not wailing on the mountaintop and convincing yourself that no one has felt pain like the pain you feel right now. No, it's the opposite of that. It's seeing your own pride and your own ego and demanding they stand the F down, because that's all this part of it is, pride and ego.

 

Don't let it eclipse the good stuff—the love, the connection, the chance to build trust and enter a new chapter together. You gotta get big picture here. A year from now, wherever this goes? You're not going to care one way or another that she slept with some guy at spring break. It's going to be a mosquito bite because, really, that's all it actually is right now. A mosquito bite that you're treating like a tiger attack.

 

So the question is: Do you want to be not caring about it next to her or on your own?

 

Rainorshine said something else that a lot of men don't understand, or fail to do. Which is: listen to her. Read those three words over and over again, too. Listen to her, first and foremost, not your pain. Find connection in what she tells you, not in litigating a hook up until neither of you can hear what the other is really saying. Make the goal of this moment hearing her, not "getting her back." If you can lean into that, you're golden, wherever this goes, because that's where the sweetest stuff is: connection, not possession.

[katrina1980]

Chiming in late here.

 

Kyle, I think I get where you're coming from. Logically, you know you have no right to be angry at her, she has done nothing wrong, nothing to apologize for, you were no longer together when it happened.

 

But rarely is anything logical when it comes to love.

 

This is emotional, and you have a right to your feelings, there is no right or wrong, feelings just "are."

 

It's how you react to your feelings that matters.

 

I do want to add something though.

 

I think much of what you're feeling, may actually be more about your "ego."

 

The thought of another man touching, having sex with "your" girl makes you crazy!

 

You're not unlike a lot of men driven by their egos, it's a territorial thing.

 

And it can be difficult sometimes to differentiate between the two, feelings and ego, it takes a very enlightened evolved person to be able to do so.

 

So try to not be so hard on yourself. You're very young. You're still learning about yourself, life, love, relationships.

 

Heck I'm still learning and have many years on you! It's all a journey.

 

Anyway, JMO based off your posts, and something to at least consider as you work through all this.

[Blank State]

I’ve really been struggling the past 3-4 months. My ex who I love deeply and I think I will never find another connection like we had. Slept with someone I would say 2 weeks ago. They had been seeing each other for two weeks. Before all of that I broke up with her in 4 months ago in December. I was really unhappy and was not challenging myself. I knew I still loved her because I grieved after the break up and I never do that. I really didn’t do anything to better myself and for 3 months we talked/hung out and I treated her very poorly because I was still upset with myself and I was trying to get over things from the past. I made her feel unwanted and did things I regret. I even thought about being with another girl to see if I really did love her. I ended up only hanging out with one girl and all I could think about was her. I should’ve knew then. Anyway, she went on spring break with friends and I apologized when she was there saying I am sorry for everything and I want to work on things. She came back and told me it’s over. She said she was too scared I would break her heart and do things to hurt her all over again. She also said she didn’t trust me so I bettered myself but I thought there was another guy. This week we talked and tried to figure things out. She says she loves me and misses me. She says she regrets it and it did not make her happy. I’m trying to get this out of my head, her being with another guy. It’s killing me. We agreed to have no contact for a month and come back to it. Be faithful to each other while having no contact. I just want to know if I can get over her being with another guy. I can’t get it out of my head. I love her so much and we both get each other on a different level. We both think we are soulmates and our meant for each other just the timing sucks.

You broke up with her and now you're upset she slept with someone? With how much you're messed up over it, I think you probably broke up with her as more of a statement and to play a game to see how she would react. This stems from you so it's up to you to either get over it, or don't. But don't keep that on the backburner to use against her when you start feeling insecure.

[Blank State]

Blue I’ll go into more detail about how she felt. She wanted me for 3 months. The day I broke up with her. I broke her heart bad. She felt very upset because she was losing me and I was to naive to do things to better myself. I truly wish I did things different. You know she asked me before she went on spring break do you want me to go? I would say things like no go have fun be single. She would be like no I only want you. I was just not thinking. I never really went that long without talking to her. I pushed her to that point. She would cry at parties for 3 months and honesty was emotionally distressed because of how we were doing. I would say things I didn’t mean. I really regret what I did. I’ve honesty learned to really not just take things for as they are and love life and people that love you for who you are. We just fought all the time because she wanted me to commit but I had doubts. I messed up. As soon as she became distant I immediately came to my senses but it was honesty too late. She’s really a great girl. I have nothing bad to say about her.

This is what happens when you're not being genuine. I get the feeling that you used breaking up with her as some kind of passive/aggressive mind game. And you have to get honest with yourself here. You probably enjoyed knowing she was crying over you after your break up.

 

You are not giving off the "I was just fearful of commitment" vibe. You sound really, really committed to her. And I'm not sure that is new. Sometimes, especially when younger we play games. Little tests to see how much someone really cares about you. Or how far they are willing to go to show you how in love with you they are. But those games have consequences. And you are facing those right now.

 

So if you do get back together, you will absolutely need to be over her sleeping with someone else. Because if you can't, then you shouldn't get back together with her. Because you can only suppress those things so long.

[KyleBright]

I had severe depression and multiple things going on in my life. I’ve talked to multiple professional therapist.

[rainorshine]

So if you do get back together, you will absolutely need to be over her sleeping with someone else. Because if you can't, then you shouldn't get back together with her. Because you can only suppress those things so long.

 

Yeah. There will never be a successful relationship between the two of you going forward if can't get over her sleeping with someone else. It sounds like a pretty huge deal to you. Which is fine, we all have our standpoints. But if that is how you truly, genuinely feel, it's not a feeling that's going to dissipate or be appeased with a mere "apology" on her part. From what I can tell, it runs much deeper than that for you, and that will only intensify the level of distrust between y'all if you try moving toward a romantic relationship again right now.

 

In my opinion, you both have been hurt by each other to the point that it would be wise to go your separate ways for a while, NO strings attached. You two need to heal and continue working on yourselves individually, without contact and without any stipulations. If you two are really soulmates, as you believe, the time apart with only strengthen your relationship when you come back together.

[KyleBright]

Just a little update for you guys. We progressed slowly and we were hanging out once a week and talking everyday. She was getting ready to hangout with me more and apologize but I couldn’t wait any longer. My health has took a toll. So this week has been interesting. I need things for me to move on past this and I know you guys don’t think I deserve anything. There’s things that I need and I don’t expect you guys to understand. As for her I know she needs to do things to make her happy. So I decided to end things with her. She then told my friends that I was shutting her down. The only reason I couldn’t stay was because I was stressing all the time. As I want to take things slow she wanted to take them slower. I needed reassurance, spending time with her, being out a priority in her life. But I can’t expect her to do those things. I need a lot to get over this because the same situation happened 2 years ago and it took a toll on me. It took me 2 years to get over it. So I need a lot to get over this even though we weren’t together it still felt like we were. We were still talking and she would do things to give me mixed signals. Anyway she told my friends that I was shutting her down and basically put the blame on me. I didn’t take that well. So to clear the air I took her out on a date. It went pretty well. She actually apologized and seemed very regretful. We had a great time and it brought back good and bad memories. She even told me she thinks that she’s going to regret all of this stuff. She said she thinks we are going to get back together but I told her that I can’t think like that anymore. She seemed to want me. I know she wants me but she just doesn’t want to do the things that I need. Which is fine and understandable. . I know I’m being greedy and selfish but I have to put my happiness first. A lot of things in my life aren’t going my way and I need to figure it out. I can’t put that pressure on her. She was very upset when we said goodbye and I know she wants me. But I can’t take things slow because my health is more important. Thank you guys for all the advice. It’s been a rough 2 months. I’m trying to stay positive.

[katrina1980]

Deleted, good luck KyleB.