Need some help here...

[majic1984]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. I'm currently 21 and she's 19 - I rent a house and she will come and stay with me for about 3 days a week. We're both going to the same college, It's finals time and a very stressful around here. It seems like one day she's fine and the next, her emotions completely change. After she left my house Thursday I hadn't heard from her until last night, when I kept calling her and finally went over to her house to talk to her after none of my calls were returned. Well I got to talk to her face to face for about 5 minutes because she was sitting in her car about to leave when I pulled up - she had to go pick up her friend's mom. Later, I call her again and talk to her by phone since she wasn't at her house last night - then I got to speak to her for longer and she revealed some problems. I really didn't know there was a problem - but apparently are a few of them....

 

First she says that I'm afraid of commitment. Well, I must admit that I am - this is mostly because I don't have much money and law school is only 1 year away. My problem comes in that I want to be able to provide the best for her in every possible way - I want stable income and a great job before I even ask her to get married. I once had planned to propose to her after law school but I was thinking that maybe this is too long and that maybe I am wrong about wanting to be so stable - so I was going to propose to her next year. She thinks that waiting 4 more years to propose is insane.. because if you love someone, all of that shouldn't matter. I don't know what I can do on this one... she keeps telling me that she'll wait for me no matter how long I take, but everytime we get into a fight she always plays the commitment card - apparently this bothers her a good bit.

 

She also says that she wants me to get an apartment with her right now. She says that I am too attached to my parents and that I should grow up and start living with her. Right now, I live in my parents' old house for $100 a month - I'm very comfortable here and don't really want to move. Problem is... what am I going to do when I go to law school... they don't allow students to work the first year of law school, so how will I be able to afford living in an apartment with her? Am I wrong to want to stay in my house and take the "easy way out" as she calls it?

 

She also says that I need to support her more. This is where we really differ in views... Support for me is motivation - I don't mind and actually encourage people to push me to succeed. She has recently been making bad grades in school - as a result of working 2 jobs at the same time to pay for her car note. I check up with her nearly every day and ask her how her grades are because it is important to me that she graduates college. She now has lost her scholarship and I am very disappointed - I feel as though I could have done something more to help her out. She said that I needed to stop asking about her grades and pushing her, and start supporting her - because she has no where to run to when she needs support. She says that she has been lying to me this whole year about her grades telling me that they were better than they are. She says that she's afraid to tell me things like that - and that she doesn't want to be afraid to have to tell me those things (because she knows I wouldn't approve of them). What should I do?

 

She says that she never gets her way in these types of situations- because I am a control freak. She said that I act like I listen and then do nothing to fix these situations.

 

As you can tell, we come from very different families... I was given many things that she was not - like a car, insurance, and a cheap place to live. She's not that fortunate and has to pay for everything. I realize it's very hard for her, especially working 2 jobs and going to school. I want to help her out but end up pushing her to do her best when she says that she is already doing her best - but nevertheless, I continue to push. I am a control freak and come from a very competitive background. I'm so afraid of taking chances that I believe would result in a complete life change - I am very comfortable where I'm at right now and want to stay there for security. I really need some help here....

 

 

Thanks for listening,

Michael

[providentielle]

Cant she move in with you? That way you could live together but you dont need to move and could continue paying cheap rent and also it would help her save money and maybe she could give up one of her jobs which would help her grades. When you say that you are comfortable and dnt want t change are you talking about your apartment or your life in general?

After a long relationship at such a young age it is hard to imagine your life without her in it, are you sure you want to save the relationship? You seem to want her to accept how you are and for her to be the one to make changes to accommodate you? Being afraid of commitment can be too easy a card for people to play sometimes, exactly what are you afraid of? A five year relationship at your age is already a commitment and I can understand why she may want more. To ensure your relationship survives your law degree and to show her than your relationship is not stuck in a rut but has a future.

I really think you need to look at what you want and how you really feel about her before you can talk to her to try and work things out. Good luck

[fmfisdead]

Alright, I think I can clearly see what is happening here, its kind of the men are from mars and women are from venus thing. when she says she wants support, she probably doesn't want, come on! you can do it! she wants you to sympathize with her. Just listen to her vent it outshe wants you to be there for her, not tell her what she needs to do. In her situation that would kind of stink, its like your her dad, she feels like she can't tell you whats really going on and must lie to meet your approval. This is NOT something good at all. You need to let go of the "control freak" and just support her. She has to want to suceed on her own instead of just being told to succeed, and you should know that.

 

As for the commitment thing, it seems logical for you to stay at your mothers house. You won't have a job, you seriously would have absolutely no way. Why don't you tell her, okay, you pay for all of the rent and I will come and live with you. This will probably get her to see, how can she expect something of you that is impossible? With the whole marriage issue, this isn't something she can really push for. If your with her and remaining monogamous this is just her growing impatient. Why does she need that ring on the finger to finally feel like your completely commited? This is something you should ask her. You guys are still young, she is only 19 and your 21, you don't want to be going off and getting married right now. Tell her you want to be able to support her and a possible family or atleast know your life is stabble before you do something like that. Imagine a married couple going to school together, barely making it by having part time jobs living in an apartment. Usually that is not our idea of marriage and tell her thats not what you want it to be.

 

Basically this whole situation is from two people not understanding what each other wants since you both want different things. It seems like a good relationship that you shouldn't waste on these differences. You need to talk and let her realize where your coming from and you need to realize where she is coming from, and then make a compromise from that. It seems like she wants what she wants, and you want what you want, and when your not getting it, your not happy and its not supposed to be like that. I guess this is all easier said than done, but I hope it helped in someway and wasn't more than just my stupid rambling. Let me know how you make out.

[providentielle]

Engagement doesn't have to mean getting married yet, a long engagement would be sensible. I agree with fmfisdead on the support thing though. Men are solution orientated and when a gf tells them a problem they try to fix it for her, whereas she just wants to be comforted. That is not my opinion, it has been shown in research. Its a minefield! But you need to talk to each other, you are not psycic so the only way you can know what each other wants is to talk about it!

[majic1984]

Cant she move in with you?

Technically she can, and I have suggested this before. The thing is that I live with my 2 older brothers and she seems to think that by living there, she will become a burden and that it will just reinforce my dependancy on my parents.

 

When you say that you are comfortable and dnt want t change are you talking about your apartment or your life in general?

I am generally talking about my apartment.. I am willing to make a change and to take a jump into the unknown if that equates to happyness for the both of us.

 

After a long relationship at such a young age it is hard to imagine your life without her in it, are you sure you want to save the relationship?

Most definitely.

 

Being afraid of commitment can be too easy a card for people to play sometimes, exactly what are you afraid of?

Thats a very good question. I'm afraid of the monetary strain it would put on me (especially if I have to move to an apartment with her), I'm afraid that I won't be able to provide for the both of us, I'm afraid that once we get engaged... the next step will be a wedding which she will try to push to get within the next year (instead of waiting it out like I had planned). I probably couldn't even talk to her about planning a wedding - she hates how I plan everything out to a "T".

[OceanEyes]

The fact that she is 19 years old is really showing. I'm not saying that every person who is 19 is immature, but in all honesty, I didn't understand what it meant to support myself or to manage my finances at all at 19.

 

First of all, you're not "taking the easy way out". Law school is not going to be easy as it is, and if SHE really loved YOU, she would completely understand your need to live economically, and that you couldn't yet offer her marriage and stability. I'm 25 years old and am still working on setting up a stable life for myself, both financially and career-wise.

 

You sound like a very level-headed and generally a nice guy who wants to "do the right thing". I'm going to tell you something that you may not see right now, but perhaps in the future will understand: A person who really loves you will not pressure you into giving them things that they know you can't provide comfortably. She knows that you are going to law school and don't have a steady source of income. She knows that if you move out and get an apartment with her, that your academia is going to suffer, and that you will most certainly have to find some way of making money (even though your school forbids you to work in that first year). So ask yourself who is really being selfish and immature here? Don't be manipulated or forced prematurely into something you KNOW you can't handle yet - you will regret it. At 21 years old, you are really in the right place of your life for getting your education and doing things in a sensible, healthy way.

 

She has recently been making bad grades in school - as a result of working 2 jobs at the same time to pay for her car note. I check up with her nearly every day and ask her how her grades are because it is important to me that she graduates college. She now has lost her scholarship and I am very disappointed - I feel as though I could have done something more to help her out. She said that I needed to stop asking about her grades and pushing her, and start supporting her - because she has no where to run to when she needs support.

 

1. If she can't afford to have a vehicle, then she shouldn't have one. I have managed to get myself around without one easily. If public transportation isn't all that reliable/ effective where you live and she needs a car, why not get an old piece of crap, just something to get around in? My boyfriend has the oldest, stinkiest Pontiac Sunbird I've ever seen, but it's gotten him through computer science/ network administration for the past two years on a relatively modest budget. Grades and being able to EAT are more important than having a nice car. Adults who have to take care of themselves and pay several bills every month understand this.

 

2. It is not your responsibility to motivate her. I can understand any woman, or person for that matter, appreciating and needing a support system, but she shouldn't actually depend on you to push her into studying more. That's not fair, nor is even possible. If she really wanted to do well in school, she would. We are motivated by the things we really want.

 

If you really care for this girl and see a future with her, then I think it's time for 'a talk'. Sit her down and find some way of understanding what she needs, but also make it clear that you have goals to attain that are important to you. If she really loves you and is not just after a ring, she will understand that you have other responsibilities and try to adjust on her own.

[majic1984]

2. It is not your responsibility to motivate her. I can understand any woman, or person for that matter, appreciating and needing a support system, but she shouldn't actually depend on you to push her into studying more. That's not fair, nor is even possible. If she really wanted to do well in school, she would. We are motivated by the things we really want.

 

This is a very large problem in our relationship. I always look for solutions to problems - even though they aren't my own and constantly offer my oppinions on her choices even though she didn't ask for it. I feel that it will be very difficult to let go of this - as it is almost instinctive for me. I do this daily without even thinking about it. I really want to make an effort to stop and I don't want to keep pushing her further and further away - how can I prove to her that I want to stop pushing. We have had talks about this in the past and it always seems that no matter how hard I try, it comes out of me and I end up pushing her to do things I want.. things that I see are good for her future and that I want her to see and change. Sometimes I just feel like I have to do more than support her - because I see her life going by the wayside as a result of some of the choices that she makes. Should I go see a councellor about this problem?

[OceanEyes]

Should I go see a councellor about this problem?

 

Well for starters, I think that she's definitely lucky to have you. It's not every day that a man offers to go to counceling - for any reason. In fact, most of the time, it's almost impossible to convince someone to get help. However, I don't think that you need professional help. You're still very young and growing in the process. If you need counceling, then your girlfriend probably does too.

 

I think you both need to give each other a break. Understand that you are two different people with differing opinions, and try to compromise those opinions. After all, relationships are a two-way street, and if you're always the one to be trying to "change", while you know that she's pulling some crap you're not too fond of either, you're going to end up one very resentful guy in the future.

 

"Proving" anything to a woman is through your actions. Most women will tell you that words mean absolutely nothing, if they are consistently broken and not followed-up with action. We trust what we can see and feel, not what we hear most of the time, probably on an unconscious level.

 

I don't know what type of girlfriend you have, and am unsure of her personality. What I think might help, is some type of romantic gesture that is followed-up with a heartfelt discussion where you can explain your motives. Perhaps she is feeling bullied or undermined by you. Overshadowed or controlled. If she knew that you really loved her, and that the only reason you give your opinions about her life is because you really care about her and your future together, she might ease up a bit.

 

It's always best to explain your motives to her. If you say something like, "why haven't you studied enough this week?", back it up by saying something else like, "I worry about you, but I know that I shouldn't because you've got a really good head on your shoulders". Anything that comes out as being critical should be backed up with you explaining why you're saying what you're saying. You care about what happens to her, you care about her future and want to see her do well because you love her.

 

Say something like, "you feel like I'm trying to be your father, not your boyfriend, huh?". She could just be looking for some reassurance that you have 100% faith in her capabilities and that you're there for her for comfort and support.

[majic1984]

Thanks everyone here for all your help - especially you Oceaneyes. It's obvious that this forum has chosen some very knowledgable mods! Great information here.