Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 What to do when you want to raise another child differently than your first one ? Maybe it is a pipe dream . My husband does not want to agree with my vision. He wants the same vision for a new son as he does with our current one . Exactly how we raised our son is exactly how he wants to raise a new one . I do not. I want to travel and I want to raise this child travelling and learning through personal experience and homeschooling . And learning about the world by experiencing the world . I was raised moving here there and everywhere and learning about the world by being IN IT. I think it is important . You can’t understand mountains if you have never seen one . My husband was raised in two houses in the same space ,in the same town, in the same school his whole life . He feels that is important . And he thinks having the same friends and going to the same school and developing your same friends is more important than anything else . ( maybe it is important to him because he never developed solid friendships due to his excessive social anxiety and awkwardness. And to this day I am the only person that he could actually call a real friend ) 😔 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 How would you balance your vision with your in home daycare? I think there is a lot of room for compromise here. I just read yet another article on how travel is excellent for children. We travel as much as we can which still isn't enough but I get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 How would you balance your vision with your in home daycare? I think there is a lot of room for compromise here. I just read yet another article on how travel is excellent for children. We travel as much as we can which still isn't enough but I get it. It would be after retirement. He won’t agree on homeschooling he feels socialization is important which I agree. I used to not look fondly on homeschooling, but after my son’s experiences I just feel there is more to be done with education. I think I have reached a point in life where I am tired of being answerable to some institution or person every time I turn around. I want to live my free of most interference. My husband is pretty conservative ( small c ) in how some home life is structured. You live in a house, you go to school blah blah blah. Which is how we raised our son. I want to be on the road in an RV living life, not looking at it in a book . My husband right now is the only one travelling no wonder he’s happy . 🙄 last year he went to five places with the Air Force and I’ve sat in this bumdump town . Not exactly too exciting . Not the vision I have for the rest of my life . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I don't think those two visions mesh if what you mean by travel is being on the road most of the time and schooling while on the road. Also you won't know if your child is suited to that kind of environment/experience so some of this seems hypothetical/contingent -if your perspective is best interests of the child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 I don't think those two visions mesh if what you mean by travel is being on the road most of the time and schooling while on the road. Also you won't know if your child is suited to that kind of environment/experience so some of this seems hypothetical/contingent -if your perspective is best interests of the child. Well, he told me to choose one or the other. He won’t do both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 This child is pretty easy going. My biological son definitely NOT. He is not flexible in the least, ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 This child is pretty easy going. My biological son definitely NOT. He is not flexible in the least, ever. Yes and despite all your child rearing/teaching experience I'm sure you know that parenting is totally different and you won't know how he responds to this type of lifestyle until you try it and since the lifestyle you are suggesting is more atypical then there is probably more of a risk of this child not having it be in his best interests to be on the road that much and homeschooled whether or not he is easygoing -he might go with the flow and it might not be in his best interests as far as development. And your husband's might not either of course but that is more traditional and likely less risky. Heck even mothers who raise children from birth don't know -my friend homeschools her 3 kids -until this year- because she realized one child needs to be in a school setting, for now. I would not adopt if your parenting ideas are so radically different because that also won't be in the best interests of the child. And if you were a couple deciding whether to have another baby I'd have the same suggestion given how far apart these approaches are. Or you can do it his way and then let your child choose once he is done with high school -he can travel then, do a gap year, do some combo of the two, whatever -and then he will know what he wants And you can do a version of homeschooling when it is not the school day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 Yes and despite all your child rearing/teaching experience I'm sure you know that parenting is totally different and you won't know how he responds to this type of lifestyle until you try it and since the lifestyle you are suggesting is more atypical then there is probably more of a risk of this child not having it be in his best interests to be on the road that much and homeschooled whether or not he is easygoing -he might go with the flow and it might not be in his best interests as far as development. And your husband's might not either of course but that is more traditional and likely less risky. Heck even mothers who raise children from birth don't know -my friend homeschools her 3 kids -until this year- because she realized one child needs to be in a school setting, for now. I would not adopt if your parenting ideas are so radically different because that also won't be in the best interests of the child. And if you were a couple deciding whether to have another baby I'd have the same suggestion given how far apart these approaches are. Or you can do it his way and then let your child choose once he is done with high school -he can travel then, do a gap year, do some combo of the two, whatever -and then he will know what he wants And you can do a version of homeschooling when it is not the school day. I think it might be more of a conflict or retirement vrs mom to young child once again. Something has to be reconciled about it . I had given up that dream and didn’t care anymore . Right now I have two carrots dangled in front of my face . Which do I want ? One will be much much easier than the other . But which will be more rewarding . I think that is the dilemma . Truly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 Right now my niece and stepsister know nothing about my plans of adopting a little M. My mom wants that kept strictly quiet because it will fracture my step dad’s family . However my stepsister is feeding a version of adoption to her daughter which is completely and utterly unrealistic even if it’s not me adopting . This poor child believes that she’s going to be able to visit her child every day and stay with them and be called mom and be in this person‘s home and then go home at night and still have her child be her child but just not do the work . 🙄🙄 my mom told my stepsister you’re completely and utterly delusional that’s never going to happen . And once more you’re going to be destroying your daughter letting her believe that . But my stepsister is insistent that that’s going to happen . 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I wouldn't think of it as "which do I want" but "what is in the best interests of the child" -maybe you can be an involved aunt who takes him on trips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 I wouldn't think of it as "which do I want" but "what is in the best interests of the child" -maybe you can be an involved aunt who takes him on trips. That would not be possible if he is adopted to another family. Being involved in the foster care system when a child is adopted the most you get out of that relationship ever again is a card at Christmas time the first few years. They want to have their child to themselves . That is it. So that wouldn’t be really a feasible relationship at that point . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 That would not be possible if he is adopted to another family. Being involved in the foster care system when a child is adopted the most you get out of that relationship ever again is a card at Christmas time the first few years. They want to have their child to themselves . That is it. So that wouldn’t be really a feasible relationship at that point . I understand. I don't think you two are the best family situation for this child given your divergent views on parenting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 I understand. I don't think you two are the best family situation for this child given your divergent views on parenting. I don’t think we have really divergent views on parenting as we raised a child already together . What I am saying is : do I want to be a mom again or do I want to be retired which is it ? What am I going to commit to . That is the real issue . The homeschooling would have fit with travel plans. If we do become his parents we would have the same committed view that we had with our biological child just a little different as we are 21 years older and know more . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I can't remember where is the child living and whose care is he under now? He's a baby, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 He is 18 months and lives with my mom and step dad. I am worried for her though because she has fallen twice since he has been there and she will be 73. Right now she is really banged up. I can't remember where is the child living and whose care is he under now? He's a baby, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Would you and your husband agree to go to a marriage counselor so that you can both, in a controlled environment, air your differences, and have a counselor who can guide you to come to a compromise? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 The child is going to be raised differently if the child is not autistic because they will require less or more attention in different areas than your autistic child. I think the vision of being homeschooled while traveling the world is not realistic without the child not being there -- you need to tailor it to the needs and personality of the child. I would not get your husband to agree to travel the world with a child at this point. you don't even know if you will have the child yet, right? I think that you should play it by ear, with the hope that you could take a trip or two a year with the child while they become bonded with their new family. If my parents had done that -- being all over the world and not in a traditional school , one of my siblings would have thrived and i would have cracked. Think about enhancing the learning vs trying to be Mary Poppins - and you still would have your son at home, right? he would not be able to handle you being absent seeing the world for a month at a time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 That would not be possible if he is adopted to another family. Being involved in the foster care system when a child is adopted the most you get out of that relationship ever again is a card at Christmas time the first few years. They want to have their child to themselves . That is it. So that wouldn’t be really a feasible relationship at that point . But as it should be. The child needs to bond to their new family if the child is adopted at 12 years old, they would have natural relationships with extended family that might be positive to continue after adoption, but really with a small child - you have to let the adoptive parents steer the ship and they want to create stability. What is more important - to petition to adopt the child when they are legally free for adoption (and unless the mother does it as a private adoption to you -- if the child ends up in foster care - you could find yourself a competing party with the foster parents or another relative) or to be free to do as you please since you already raised one child. If you adopt the child, it doesn't mean you cannot travel, etc, it just means you need to work around the school schedule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Divergent views on parenting -I was referring to your views on how to raise this child which you described as very different -to me divergent was a good way to describe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I know it's a delicate situation. I think it's very important you decide one way or another whether you are 100% on board or not for adoption as soon as possible. I think he could have a very good life with you and your husband. I also think he could have a very good life being adopted into a family ( no bias;) thinking of the situation my fiancé and I are in where we'd be thrilled if a child was matched with us!). The longer this inbetween goes on though, the older he becomes, the more complicated the dynamics in the family grow - if he were to be placed in foster care and/or up for adoption as an older child, the more difficult that becomes for him and his chances of being placed in a permenant family quickly. And that would be heartbreaking. In some weird way I guess, I'm trying to say, I don't think you should feel obligated or as though his life will be terrible if he's not raised with 'blood' . Do it only if you really want this . You aren't terrible if you want retirement and you are done raising children. I get this impression like some in your family see it as the worst fate in the world for a child to be adopted out of the bio family. But it isn't always! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 I know it's a delicate situation. I think it's very important you decide one way or another whether you are 100% on board or not for adoption as soon as possible. I think he could have a very good life with you and your husband. I also think he could have a very good life being adopted into a family ( no bias;) thinking of the situation my fiancé and I are in where we'd be thrilled if a child was matched with us!). The longer this inbetween goes on though, the older he becomes, the more complicated the dynamics in the family grow - if he were to be placed in foster care and/or up for adoption as an older child, the more difficult that becomes for him and his chances of being placed in a permenant family quickly. And that would be heartbreaking. In some weird way I guess, I'm trying to say, I don't think you should feel obligated or as though his life will be terrible if he's not raised with 'blood' . Do it only if you really want this . You aren't terrible if you want retirement and you are done raising children. I get this impression like some in your family see it as the worst fate in the world for a child to be adopted out of the bio family. But it isn't always! I really hope you guys get a child!!☺️ I think most likely I will decide to adopt. My son needs me too much as well for me to go tramping off. And when I do something as you know it is 100%. I think it would be awesome for my biological child too. However, we can’t adopt until he is available for adoption. They have to terminate my niece’s rights first. She has done nothing they have wanted her to do to keep her rights. She always has some excuse and her mom feeds her fairytales. This is why I don’t relate to my step sister, because she is full of BS. After my mom and step dad have custody I can make an application for adoption. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 I think what would count in are favour is we know and see the baby and he likes us a lot. He adores my husband and son and my son just totally lights up with him. I wish you guys could see him with little M it is like he comes alive. We are a solid and stable couple relationship and otherwise. We both have stable employment. My husband will have considerable retirement income. We are loving and nurturing parents who have a lot to offer. We can also connect little M with his birth mother in a heartbeat . So he could see her or find anything out about her at any time . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 Would you and your husband agree to go to a marriage counselor so that you can both, in a controlled environment, air your differences, and have a counselor who can guide you to come to a compromise? I don’t think it will get to that. It will be up to me to decide retirement is done ( and, really, it was the day my biological son was born) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Sera, I think it is really important to consider the needs of the child. Since he was with his mom, and that didn't work out (and who knows what trauma or neglect he may have experienced there) - and now he is with your mom and step dad for a while, he very well may need to stay put in one place by the time he you guys get custody. So please consider that. But - I get that you are ready to do some traveling. So, do it during the summers, if you can. Don't forget how amazing your older son has turned out - and while I know they have different personalities and needs, I just wonder if it is a good idea to try to change your parenting style when you know the other way worked. And, lastly- my inlaws sold everything and bought an RV to live in, and travel the country. That lasted 3 months. They got so homesick and came home and even sold the RV! And, my inlaws had even lived in an RV before, so they thought it would be successful. What they forgot about - they missed being around their family and friends. They missed their church. They missed their grandchildren. And in the end, they felt way too cooped up in the RV. So they came home. And I'm so glad - because then my sons could continue to see their grandparents. And we all missed them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 We're you envisioning taking your older son along with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.